Stokies On TV

Stokies are gearing up for a TV double header soon with news that locals will be appearing on two of this Britain's best loved shows: 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' and 'Skint'!

"This is great news for the city," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "All publicity is good publicity and no bad can possibly come from this."

Leeanne Clegg stars on The Jeremy Kyle Show in a segment entitled: "I Want A DNA Test To Prove My Boyfriend's Dad Is Also My Baby's Dad!"

"I wunna spoil it fer youse all, but I will say dat dem batty get sorted, big tiiime," explains Leeanne.

Money Saving Expertise

With business and finance expert Ted Gash

Ted's Oatcakes in Birches Head are having a buy-one-get-one-free deal on pikelets this coming Tuesday. I'd stock up, buy about twenty or thirty.

It's the weekend and you want your cocaine to go that bit further. Why not cut some aspirin in with it? You can get a tub of 24 tablets for around 30 pence at Wilko's in Hanley and the buzz isn't affected too much.

Loan shark Wonga has been in the news a lot lately. Why not take advantage by taking out a loan with them via their website, blow it all on a holiday with the lads/lasses to Kavos then declare yourself bankrupt? Ted's Lawyers in Birches Head are helping to declare people bankrupt for just £10 a go throughout August.

Stories Coming Soon To EYE ON STOKE

Wedding Cake Explosion Kills Bride

Cry Baby Shrimp Outrage

Bungled Website Shortage

Magnificent Perm Jeopardy

Unbelievable Flapjack Incident

Sunday Sermon

With Reverend Nigel

Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United because he's worried he won't be first choice. Well, he should come and join Team Jesus, where everyone is first choice, every week.

Am I GLEEful that actor Cory Monteith has passed? No, but he's in a better place now, with the best chorus of them all to sing with. Though, thinking about it, he was in 'Glee', which promoted bumming, and he was a user of arm heroins, so he's probably not made it into the better place at all.

I see that a 16 year old British girl has got into trouble for running off with an older Turkish waiter. The only man I ever ran off with was our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, and I got into the opposite of trouble, i.e. eternal happiness.

Amen.

In Focus: Norton

Norton is located in the north of the city.

The name Norton comes from the Chinese 'nob tun', meaning 'cock slap'.

Norton tries to convince people it's fancy by calling itself "Norton-Le-Moors" sometimes, but we all know the truth.

People from Norton are known as "Dem Nortoners".

Badgers are sacred to Dem Nortoners and must not be consumed or milked in their presence.

Norton has the highest number of fight clubs of any of Stoke's towns.

The ancient art of "seagulling" is celebrated every 14 July in Norton with a parade and free-for-all.

If you meet a woman from Norton, she is probably a slag.

Famous multinational businesses with outlets in Norton include McDonald's, Coca Cola, Harrod's and Cal's Crazy Paving.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area

Princess Diana, Stoke City Fan

Controversial cleric and Stoke City fan Nump Godfreys has claimed that "Queen of Hearts" Priness Diana would be a Stoke City fan if she was still alive today, God rest her soul.

"As Princess of Wales, Diana would have loved Stoke's use of Welsh managers," said Cleric Godfreys. "Pulis and Hughes would have appealed to Diana's support of all things Welsh and she would have definitely supported the Pottermusses as a result."

If that's the case, wouldn't "Candle in the Wind" Diana have supported a Welsh club like Swansea or Cardiff instead?

"No way," says Nump. "She wasn't an idiot."

You've Been Paid!

According to a new report by Stoke Institute of Fighting and Finance (StIFF), sending videos into the TV show 'You've Been Framed!' has become the primary source of employment and income for over half of Stoke's adults.

Complete this sentence:
WE WILL *OCK YOU

"This all started the glorious year that Jonathan Wilkes hosted the show," says finance expert Kev Heath. "Interest in sending in videos sky-rocketed and this trend has continued throughout Harry Hill's tenure of the show that Wilkes made famous."

Ironic Death Round-Up

Simon Dale died in a fire at a water show in Norton. After accidentally setting fire to himself with the one chip pan at the conference hall, the millions of gallons of water were of no use and he died a slow, agonising death in front of astonished onlookers, many of whom clapped thinking it was part of the show.

Felicity Slots died after her horse, Klumpy, climbed on her back to see how she'd like it. Not very much apparently, as the weight of the horse crushed her spine and spinal column, cutting off the oxygen supply to her brain and leaving her brain dead. It was decided by family members that she should be put down rather than live out her life as a vegetable.

Tim Ironic-Death died, ironically, in an unironic way, choking himself to death as he wanked off while watching The Jeremy Kyle Show.

"William Hague Is A Twat"

Stoke city councillor Randolph Steiner III has got himself in hot water after he was seen mouthing the words "William Hague is a twat" during a live televised council discussion about hovercraft access to the city.

"You could clearly see on TV him saying the words then looking pleased with himself," commented viewer Doris Ahmed. "The cheeky bastard."

"This is clearly a Hagueist statement and the councillor should be sacked with immediately effect," says local Conservative activist Sally Fields. "We wouldn't tolerate him saying something like this against coloureds or cripples or women so we shouldn't tolerate it against a minority like William Hague. This is a chance for our society to make a real statement of intent that we want to eradicate this kind of prejudice."

Councillor Steiner has yet to comment on this issue and has decided to play golf instead of doing so.

Supervillain’s Base Fails Health & Safety Inspection

Supervillain Dr Bosch has complained after health and safety officials said that his mountain base in Fegg Hayes failed to meet basic safety standards.

"I couldn't disagree more with this decision," said the former nuclear scientist. "Safety for henchmen was a primary concern for me when I designed this base. This decision has been made purely because I'm a supervillain. If I was a superhero, there's no way the base would have failed the assessment."

While Dr Bosch's base, nicknamed the "theatre of doom", has work carried out on it to meet the recommended standards, the mad scientist's henchmen will work from home or from one of the many empty warehouses and factories in the city randomly owned by the villain.

Council Wants To See Tennis Courts Used More Often

Stoke City Council is hopeful that the recent success of Britain's Andy Murray in winning the Wimbledon tennis open will lead to an increase of usage of the tennis courts located in the city.

"Right now, the city's courts are mainly used as locations for gangs to hang out and drug dealers to work from," said Jeb Brush, city councillor for sport. "We're hoping that this will inspire the kids to use the courts more often, even if it's just as a place to play football or form street dance crews."

Animal Crossing Stoke Better Than Real Life Stoke, Says Local Man

Jim Boglin from Fegg Hayes has shocked the city by declaring that virtual life in Nintendo 3DS game Animal Crossing: New Leaf is better than that in the real Stoke.

"I called my Animal Crossing town 'Stoke', it's beautiful," says Mr Boglin, 53. "I wanted to replicate a small portion of the city in the game. However, a wonderful thing happened: all of my animal residents got along with one another wonderfully and with me. I haven't had any punch ups or drunken rampages in the weeks since the games release. It's nothing like Stoke, it's superior in my opinion."

"No-one can seriously tell me that living as ruler in a leafy idyll with cutesy anthropomorphic animals is better than living in Stoke," says argumentative Phil Beaker. "I would add that I'm here just to provide a quote that counters the opinion of the main subject of the piece to make it seem like this publication offers a balanced view of the news. Which it does, obvs."

"Whitney the fox is my favourite resident," adds Jim. "She's fashionable, smart, sassy and ice cool. Real classy."