Fenton Fenton Born In Fenton

Louise Scratchings got the nod she had hoped for this morning when Stoke's Council of Elders approved her calling her baby Fenton Fenton.

"Fenton's dad, Terry Fenton, would be so proud," she said. "If he had any interest in our child, whose paternity he disputes, or if we were still on speaking terms. I'll send a letter via our legal representatives."

The name had previously been rejected by the city council's naming department, but Scratchings appealed to Stoke's supreme rulers, the Council of Elders, themselves.

"This is an incredibly patriotic thing for Louise to do," a spokesman for the Council's spokesman said. "We feel the good outweighs the bad with this one, and the nipper's unlikely to go on to achieve anything anyway, so we gave it the literal nod."

Toxic Fog Could Hit Stoke

A deadly fog currently devastating Yorkshire could be headed to Stoke, experts have warned.

"I went to Rotherham the other day, it was a total fucking shit hole," truck driver Kenny Batter said. "I have to assume that this was entirely due to the fog, and Rotherham was nothing like that beforehand."

Rotherham, yesterday

"A mixture of the deadly toxins of the fog and the deadly toxins that already exist in the everyday air in Yorkshire is a deadly combination," science expert Tab Purples said. "Though I'm no science expert."

RAF Trentham has been ordered to point its nuclear weapons at the sky in case the fog arrives.

Stephen Milligan Day Under Threat

Next year's Stephen Milligan Day is in danger of being cancelled after Stoke Flex Ltd, the company who normally provide electrical cords for the celebration, went into liquidation.

"This would be a crippling blow to Stoke's social calendar," socialite Phoenella Smith-Smith wrote in her column in the Daily Gargoyle.

The day started as an ironic celebration by non-Conservatives of the death of Milligan, before Tories started joining in to try and reclaim the day, before pretty much everyone in the city started celebrating it as a city holiday.

"This is exactly how Christianity began," historian Paul Grundies said. "In 2000 years time, Milligan may be worshipped as a GOD."

Milligan died on 07 February in 1994, having a cheeky wank while strangling himself with electrical cord, dressed in stockings and suspenders, having a bin bag on his head and a drug-soaked orange segment in his mouth.

"Jesus died in slightly different circumstances," Grundies adds. "Though similarities exist."

Stoke Roses Triumph

The Stoke Roses have been named best new band at the Stoke Music Awards, held last night at the Burslem Hilton.

The band, a tribute to The Stone Roses, were overjoyed.

"We're mad for it, our kid," the Ian Brown lookalike said.

"'Avin it large!" The Mani lookalike added.

"I'd like to thank my mum and dad, and God," the John Squire lookalike said.

The Reni lookalike had nothing to say.

The band also double as a Michael Jackson tribute act.

Other big winners on the night included Jonathan Wilkes, who took home the inaugural lifetime achievement award, Jonathan Wilkes, who won performer of the year, and Jonathan Wilkes, who won man of the year.

Supervillain Threatens Revenge

Supervillain Doctor Destructo has threatened to rain death and destruction on Stoke after the city council rejected his plans to build a massive death ray in the city.

"Stoke is not ready for the pain I will inflict on it, muahahahaha," the evil genius said.

"This decision was not made on moral grounds," Councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "What the massive death ray will be used for is neither here-nor-there. What we object to is the culling of the residents and puppy dogs of Bentilee to make space for the weapon's construction. Bentileers are people too. Even if it doesn't always seem that way. They are not Bentilepers."

Doctor Destructo has the right to appeal the decision at a tribunal hearing.

Comic Relief 2015

Local good 'un Terry Seagull has manned up and vowed to donate lots of money to Comic Relief this month!

Terry will give £2.50 every time a woman sends him a picture of herself wearing nothing but a red nose, up until the end of March.

"I'll still accept pictures after that but I won't be making donations," he said.

"I would prefer it to be a current 2015 red nose as well," Terry adds. "Don't want an older red nose unless absolutely necessary. And no men either. That won't work, I'll know the difference."

Stokie Urges Stronger Welsh Links

Barry Tandy from Longton has urged Stoke City Council to forge stronger ties with the Welsh island Barry Island.

"If Stoke could twin itself with Barry Island, that would literally be superb," Tandy said. "A free trade agreement would be a good start, but I'm hoping for more."

Tandy denies that he only wants closer ties with the Welsh island, famous for being populated entirely with people called Barry, purely because of his name.

"The idea that I would make all this effort purely to further the Barry cause is slanderous, or maybe libellous, I don't know the difference," Barry said. "My lawyer, Barry Shenton, will be keeping an eye on social media and local blogs for such lies."

Stokie Goes Viral

Stokie Tom Nooks has become an overnight internet viral sensation after a video of him attracted millions of views on YouTube.

The video of him in his cell at HMP Werrington has him shouting "I need a shit!!" at a prison guard, before pulling his trousers and pants down and having a dump on the floor in his cell.

The "I need a shit!!" catchphrase caught on instantly, leading to t-shirts and dance songs using the phrase, and is being shouted by school kids in playgrounds and classrooms up-and-down the country.

Nooks, who is doing a ten stretch for possessing child pornography, is said to be happy with the video's reception and is hoping to record his debut album when his criminal sentence expires, which he plans to call 'Only God Can Judge Me'.

Royal Bank Of Stoke Tax Evasion

One of Stoke's biggest banks, the Royal Bank of Stoke, has admitted using HSBC’s Swiss accounts as a way of avoiding tax.

"A few years ago, we announced pre-tax profits of £100 billion, with post-tax profits being exactly the same number. Nobody said anything at the time or thought anything off about that so we carried on doing it," the bank said in a statement published in the classified section of the Sentinel.

The bank, which has the royal seal of approval from the monarchy of Uzbekistan, has promised to start paying some tax once it gets its accounts in order.

"Most of our accountants now live in Switzerland, so communicating with them is a problem," Hanley branch manager Tek Grimley explained. "When they're back over here visiting though, we'll set them to work right away on setting up the tax stuff."

Stoke Celebrates Oscar Success

The city was celebrating this morning after local champion Oscar Pikey placed fifth in yesterday's county pie-eating championship.

"Being the champion, or CHOMPion, of Stoke is a heavy burden on the monkey on anyone's back," Oscar said. "I was glad to give the thousands of travelling fans something to cheer about."

Oscar finished behind pie-eaters from Leek, Stafford, Burton and Longsdon, but ahead of rivals representing Newcastle and Stone.

"As long as I finished above those two dumps of towns, I'd have been happy," Oscar explained. "Even if it meant finishing third from last."