Stokemon

A group of local nerds are seeking funding to make a new video game they think will take off in a big way.

"The game will be an rpg called Stokemon," designer Barry Bosted explains. "You will play the main character called Dave Ketchup, who comes from a broken home but finds refuge as a footy hooligan. You must then travel round the country defeating (and capturing to join your gang) wild hooligans and trying to defeat the 15 rival gangs on their home turf. After completing that, you get to take on the Champions League Four, to find out once and for all who is the real champion of champions."

The game will initially be released in two versions: Stokemon Red and Stokemon White. In the red version, the antagonists will be Team Crewe, while in the white version, it will be Team Vale.

"We've not been inspired by Pokemon in any way, the suggestion is ludicrous," game creator Nigel Pledge says. "This is an entirely different type of game."

Anna Kendrick, Dream Girl

Hollywood has confirmed that rising star, and American sweetheart, Anna Kendrick is to be distributed to people in Stoke's dreams to help promote her current film Into The Woods, also starring Meryl Streep.

"Anna is one of the hottest properties in Hollywood right now," agent Arty Nickels said. "Everyone is a winner with this deal."

The dreams will vary from user-to-user, but will leave people with the lasting feeling that Anna Kendrick is adorable and that you need to see Into The Woods.

"In my dream, Anna came to my house and did all me housework," roofer Tom Bongo said. "Top bird."

"I dreamt that she messaged me on Facebook, came round my gaff, sucked me off then fucked off," unemployed layabout Nigel Monk said. "Perfect."

2014 Review: December

At the 2014 Staffordshire Awards, Stoke was named the county's best city again, while Cobridge was named the county's roughest area. Dick Whittington, starring Jonathan Wilkes, currently on in Hanley, was named show of the year. The bravery award went to Anthea Turner for going through her separation from husband Grant Bovey and man of the year was Peter Crouch.

2014 Review: November

Pearl divers in Lake Burslem discovered the shipwreck of the legendary warship HMS Bollock.

HMS Bollock sank at its launch in 1879, after being hit by the ceremonial champagne bottle, and inspired the phrase "to drop a bollock", meaning "to make a mistake". It was one of the first ships made at the Burslem dockyards.

Due to the depth of the water in Phil Taylor Bay, known in nautical circles as "the graveyard of the great lake", the ship hasn't been seen since, but the advanced technology used by local pearl divers has enabled them to dive deeper then the Royal Navy is able to go.

2014 Review: October

Kip Boogers, the first man in Stoke to receive a double hand transplant, took up boxing.

Kip, who lost his hands in a Wii Sports accident, was given the varnished wooden hands as a temporary measure until science can come up with something better. He will fight under the name "The Bogeyman" and will enter arenas to the song 'I Love It' by Icona Pop.

"Frankly, I think it's unfair that someone with rock hard wooden hands should be allowed to fight, but technically it's not against the rules so we have to allow it," Stoke Boxing Board of Control's Ken Cash said.

2014 Review: September

Animal rights activists across the city celebrated when judges at Stoke's highest court, Fenton Magistrates, declared that whale hunting in Lake Burslem was effectively illegal.

"Local by-laws declared that animals can only be hunted quietly in Lake Burlsem using a fishing rod or bare hands," legal expert Kenny Hater said. As this law pre-dated Stoke's constitution, which allows the free hunting of any creature bigger than humans not including horses or dragons, the judges decided on the legal basis of "first come, first served" that this law should stand.

"Yer whaling vessels now serve no purpose on Lake Burslem and are officially fair game for pirates," fish expert Bill Spatz added. "Now be gone. Aye."

Dolphin baiting is still legal however and was recommended by the judges as fun for all the family.

2014 Review: August

Due to the accidental release of a DNA altering pathogen, Stoke's citizens reverted into feuding Neanderthal tribes intent on survival at whatever means necessary. By the time a cure was found, over 200,000 Stokies had perished in the ungodly battles. Only one man was arrested by Staffordshire Police for murders committed during this time while being a neanderthal, a man called Mustapha Islam. Elsewhere, Jonathan Wilkes released a new video on YouTube.

2014 Review: July

Residents of the Chinatown area of Hanley rioted and looted after local UKIP councillor Cob Barries refered to China as "an evil empire" and "crap at sport, especially when you consider their population size". By the time Cllr Barries later apologised to China's ambassador to Stoke, most of Etruria had already been destroyed.

War intensified between North and South Longton after one of the South's war hovercrafts was blown up while on patrol along the restricted zone between the two states.

2014 Review: June

Stoke's latest mission to the Moon ended in tragedy when Starship Colin exploded over the M6, near to the Keele services, killing thousands and leaving much of the area with radiation poisoning. Fortunately, winds from the north pushed the radiation cloud further south, where it eventually settled over Stone, making it largely inhabitable for non insects.

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.