Blue Plaque In Honour Of Trentham Torturer

Councillors in Trentham have confirmed that they are planning on putting a blue plaque on the storage space used by the Trentham Torturer [Terry Butkins] to torture and kill his victims.

How the blue plaque would look

"Terry is perhaps the only famous person ever to come from Trentham," says councillor Ken Topdeck. "We should honour him and this is what he would have wanted."

"This is not what he would have wanted," says Sharon Butkins, Terry's former wife. "He would have wanted a statue."

City Council Ponders Building Names

Stoke City Council has said it will consider renaming its headquarters and other buildings in the wake of recent scandals.

The city council headquarters is currently called Sir Jimmy Savile House, while there is also a nuclear weapon storage unit (The Savile Bunker) and a staff canteen at Swift House (Salon du Savile) named in his honour.

City councillor Jinky Watkins explains the move. "This is like the Gary Glitter thing all over again. We had to rename almost half of our buildings when we found out he was a nonce. We thought we were onto a winner with Savile but it wasn't to be."

The council has yet to comment on whether it has any plans to rename its pest control base, The Freddie Starr Emporium, or not.

Jonathan Wilkes is said to be keen to have the buildings named after himself in the short term until a new celebrity name is found. "Wilkes is a safe pair of hands," commented councillor Watkins. "Just ask Robbie Williams, he has relied on those hands many a time."

Stoke Strangler Kills Trentham Torturer

The lifeless corpse of the serial killer known as the "Trentham Torturer" has been discovered by Bunters [badger hunters] this morning, along with a note from the "Stoke Strangler" claiming responsibility for the murder.

"I done this murder," wrote the strangler. "Cus I am the best. The Trentham Torturer was a big nonce."

Terry Butkins, the Trentham Torturer

The identity of the Trentham Torturer has been revealed by police to be 53-year-old Terry Butkins, a hot dog vendor popular with tourists at Trentham Monkey Park, where he worked.

Mr Butkins was a major player on the local go karting scene and was an enthusistiac collector of hammers. His collection will be auctioned for charity.

Trentham Torturer: I’m Better Than Stoke Strangler

One of Stoke's most prolific and respected serial killers, the Trentham Torturer, has today fired a broadside at the newest kid on the block, the Stoke Strangler.

"He's just a noob," says the Trentham Torturer. "He's little more than a chancer. Anyone could go up to a bunch of annoying youngsters and kill them with their bare hands, I know there are times when we've all wanted to do things like that. But it's too easy, there's no artistry, no magic."

Current golden boy the Stoke Strangler has already notched up an impressive 9 known kills, including 6 in one go last week when he took out an entire street dance crew in one attack. However, he’s still some way behind "Trenty", who currently has 21 known victims.

"My kills are works of art," explained Trenty, when special guest on the 'Signal Gold Serial Killer Breakfast Show' on Sunday morning. "They're carefully planned down to the smallest detail and executed to perfection. The Stoke Strangler is little more than an uneducated savage."

When Sunday Comes

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City

Plucky relegation-threatened Liverpool scraped a lucky draw against the Pottermusses in front of a crowd of bemused Scousers, who were warned before the game that their shell suits were a fire hazard and they had to watch the game in their pants and vests for safety reasons.

Exeter 0-2 Port Vale

Pope Tom was the hero once again for the Scamps by scoring two goals, which he immediately dedicated to the victims of Sir Jimmy Savile by pulling off his shirt to reveal a vest with the slogan "Savile was a nonce" on it. Manager Micky Adams has challenged his players to get more goals this season by declaring that he will eat a pie for every goal that the Scamps score.

Fegg Hayes North End Q-J Kidsgrove Rovers

The Nenders won this game which trialled UEFA's experimental new scoring system, where goals are counted in letters rather than numbers, and where extra letters were awarded for fancy tricks or sexy dances. Manager Keith Gobbler was pleased with the result. "It was literally a game of two halves," he told reporters from the world's gathered press. "And the only stat that literally matters is the final score. Hashtag-delighted."

Scamps Target Free Transfers

Port Vale manager Micky Adams has told fans that he is still interested in adding to the Scamps squad with the addition of free transfers.

"I'm hearing a lot of good things about an experienced French defender called Valeny," Adams told bus driver Keith Pegg. "He's big and mobile and will suit this division if the scouting reports are to be believed."

Valeny

"I'm also liking Minanda, a Portuguese attacking midfielder," Adams added to bus passenger Beryl Scrote. "He's just the kind of playmaker I could build the team around. I've seen some of his stats and they are impressive. I could also use a side back, and I've had a Scottish lad called Ruskin recommended to me by lots of people. I will definitely be looking into that one."

The Scamps are currently placed somewhere near the top of the Endsleigh League fourth division.

Stokie Selected By England

Stokies are celebrating after England football manager Roy "Don't Call Me Woy" Hodgson called up Stoke City mascot Pottermiss for the upcoming England matches against San Marino and Poland.

It is the first time Pottermiss has been called up to represent her country, though it's likely she will be only a squad mascot for the matches.

Pottermiss and Pottermus

However, Pottermus has once again been overlooked by Hodgson, much to the bewilderment of Stoke fans, despite having a good record as a mascot for England in the past, starting off celebrations at a rate of one every two matches.

"Pottermus is good, old fashioned mascot," says Daily Gargoyle football writer Harry Summer. "He's good at waving and does the odd jig, but you need more than to be an international standard mascot. The international game is more about keeping possession of the fans' interest for longer periods, and Pottermus isn’t suited to that style of mascoting."

Stoke Strangler Strikes Again!

Stoke's cheekiest serial killer, the "Stoke strangler", struck again last night, killing  a street dance crew as they performed for their own amusement in a back alley in Longton to the beats of 'urban' music.

"We don't know whether he planned this this or whether it was a crime of opportunity," says PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police. "Either way, this leaves us with a shit ton of paperwork. We're not happy."

Could these be the Stoke Strangler's next victims? Please?

Not everyone is displeased with the Stoke strangler's killing spree. Local woman Sharon Hammers has set up a Facebook page called "The Stoke Strangler is a Legend".

"He's fighting against 'the man' and stuff," explains Sharon. "And I hope he keeps on going cleaning up our filthy streets. We've got 27,000 'likes' already on Facebook and the number is growing."

Matches Of The Day

Stoke City 2-0 Swansea

Pottermusses manager Tony Pulis was so happy with the team's display that he bought all the players a pint and some pork scratchings after the game. Peter Crouch scored both goals and vowed to score again later with his wife to make it into a hat-trick, something no-one would begrudge him.

Bradford 0-1 Port Vale

The Scamps stormed to the top of the league after inflicting a famous victory over Bradford that will be talked about for generations. Pope Tom was the hero and, immediatley after the game, increased the "buy it now" price on the DNA samples of himself that he sells on eBay.

Fegg Hayes Athletic 0-0 Kidsgrove Galaxy

Both teams agreed to abandon this game at half-time after it became obvious neither team would score. "We just couldn't be arsed any more," explains Athletic manager Keith Gobbler. "And I had a wedding to get to anyway." The draw keeps both teams joint middle of the table.

Diagnostoke Murder

Stoke City Council has unveiled its latest plan to save money: judges and doctors will be expected to solve any crimes they come across without bothering the police!

"It's clear from TV that anyone can solve crimes," explains city councillor Bent Warlord. "And judges and doctors are in positions where they will meet the victims of crimes or hear rumours about shit that has gone down. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect them to at least have a go before they get the rozzers involved."

Judge Terry Hatepunch is outraged at the news. "As judges, we all like to solve a crime or two in our spare time, to hand out our own brand of special justice to those who slipped through the system. But to expect us to do it full time is a mockery of a sham of an outrage. I find this plan 'guilty' of being rubbish."

The city council is adamant it will not change its policy. "Giving out loads of parking tickets takes up a lot of time," says councillor Warlord. "Therefore, our rozzers don't always have the time to solve murders and shit. These plans work in America and are here to stay in Stoke."