Cameron Reassures Stokies Over Pasty Supplies

Prime Minister David Cameron sought to reassure Stokies that pasties will not run out after a serious accident involving a woman trying to make her own pasty in her kitchen cast doubt on the government's decision to encourage the stockpiling of pasties.

Sharon Guff, from Brindley Ford, was in a "critical but chirpy" condition in hospital with 40% burns to her tongue after overcooking a pasty because her daughter needed one for her tea.

A local man enjoys a pasty

The accident happened on Thursday night, a day after Francis Maude the Cabinet Office minister, said the proposed pasty makers' strike meant that "making your own pasties is a sensible precaution to take". Some Labour figures blamed Maude personally for the accident and called for his resignation.

Cameron described the kitchen accident as "a desperate incident and a terrible thing" and he said that his heart went out to Guff and her family. Speaking after chairing a meeting of the emergency food committee, he insisted the government and pasty companies were doing all they could to address the shortages that have been caused by panic buying in some areas.

"The pasty companies are working flat out to resupply supermarkets," Cameron said. "It is frustrating, I know, when supermarkets have queues. Everything that can be done is being done, but it will take some time."

In Focus: Cobridge

Cobridge is located just above Stoke city centre (Hanley).

The name Cobridge comes from 'cob ridge', a ridge in the town where corn-on-the-cob was first grown!

The "Cobridge lights" is a formation of red lights that can be seen in Cobridge at night. No-one knows what causes them to appear.

The potato fritter was invented in Cobridge in 1841.

50% of women from Cobridge have a tattoo on at least one of their ankles.

During WW2, Hitler ordered that Cobridge should not be bombed.

Cobridge has the highest concentration of massage parlours-to-people of anywhere in the British Isles!

The Cobridge Opera Company (COC) is one of the best known in the area, and is about to launch its new show, 'Phil Taylor: The Opera'!

The world's first 5-wheel car was built in Cobridge in 1947.

People from Cobridge must live life to the fullest! That's probably why they have the shortest life expectancy of people from anywhere in Staffordshire.

British Prime Minister David Cameron has yet to visit Cobridge. Coward.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Woman Critical After Being Hit By Falling Badger

A badger hurled from a high window in Longton has seriously hurt a woman, 73, when it hit her on the head.

The pet badger was thrown out of the fourth floor window of a block of flats in south Longton as a married couple had a BLAZING row.

Actual badger not pictured

During their quarrel the husband [Degg Minstrel, 53] picked up the family badger and threw it at his wife [Jessie, 19], who ducked. The badger then flew out of an open window, landing on Ginny Head’s head as she crossed the street below.

The victim, a former fortune teller, is described as being in a critical condition in hospital after suffering a fractured skull.

The badger didn’t survive the fall.

Radio Station Issues Apology After Broadcasting Porn

Stoke radio station Signal Gold was forced to issue an apology today after listeners complained of hearing "filthy porn" live on air instead of hits from the 1970s!

Signal Gold's pre-recorded '70s Sensations' show was interrupted for around five minutes on Wednesday night during 'Gary Glitter Hour'. Listeners took to Twitter to say they had heard "moans", "groans", "German accents" and "slapping sounds" from a porno film being played.

A typical porno set

Dick Mellor tweeted: "WTF just happened on Signal Gold?! Sounded like sex noises... This is turning into an awkward dinner with my parents. Making me horny though."

Signal Gold issued a statement today, saying: “Unfortunately, one of our engineers may or may not have turned the TV onto a porno channel, which may or may not have interrupted the programmed broadcast. We are sorry to any fans of the 70s and/or Gary Glitter. This probably won't happen again."

Stoke Paranormal Society

For all the latest paranormal news, head on over to the Stoke Paranormal Society's site:

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com

Well, what are you waiting for?

That is all.

Gran Fined For Littering After Dropping Dead In Street

A Stoke grandmother has been fined for littering – after dropping dead from a MASSIVE heart attack!

Jean Genet, 63, was dying on the pavement on Cornelius Road in Fenton when a council environment officer marched up to her and gave her a £75 fixed penalty fine.

A bog standard Stoke granny

Jean's daughter Kylie said: “It’s ridiculous. He could have called an ambulance but instead he just stood there writing out a ticket. It's political correctness gone mad. Or health and safety gone mad. I'm not sure which one."

Stoke City Council yesterday refused to withdraw the fine. Council spokesman Mick Ronson said: "An environmental offence was committed and we can't go around letting people off just because they're dead. The point of a democracy is that everyone is equal, whether alive or dead. Case closed."

Costa Rican Arrested For Having Fake Jonathan Wilkes ID

Police in Costa Rica said over the weekend that they have arrested a man for forgery when he tried to open a bank account using an identification document with a photo of local star Jonathan Wilkes on it!

Jonathan Wilkes, yesterday

Jose Luis Carrera, 51, was arrested in the city of   San Jose and charged with using false documents and forgery, police said. He also was carrying identification documents belonging to other Stokies Robbie Williams and Nicholas Read.

"The document with the photo of Mr Wilkes and other false identification were used to start a pyramid scheme and to try to open a bank account," said Costa Rican police spokesman Barrio Shankerra. "But we've got the bastard now."

Police do not know how he came to know so much about celebrities from Stoke.

The Stoke Gossip Column

The Gossip Column is brought to you by Munton's Pikelets: "They get the job done."

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Which Stoke MP makes her staff dress as babies and refer to her only as "Momma Joan"?

Which BNP councillor was recently spotted buying an "Asian Babes" magazine on Hope Street in Hanley?

Kendo Nagasaki

Could wrestler Kendo Nagasaki be making a comeback? He [Peter Thornley] was recently seen buying a "onesie" in Primark in Hanley.

Word has it that a certain fast food chain in Hanley lets its staff jizz into its burgers in lieu of pay rises.

Which Stoke-born actor likes to pay hobos to fight for money? He films the action then posts the footage on the internet under a false name.

Controversy As Crouch Named Stoke's Best Dancer

Arguments raged on the streets of Stoke today when Stoke City Council named Peter Crouch as the city's best dancer!

"Crouchy" pulls some shapes

"This award is fully deserved," said councillor Pete Jericho. "His robot dance is as famous as anything MJ [Michael Jackson] ever did, and people say he was the best."

"This is ridiculous," said traffic warden Dick Mellor. "He's done nothing for years. He's still living off that robot dance he did 6 years ago!"

"He's a chancer," says Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board. "I've got loads more moves than he has. He's got this because he's famous and has got a fit wife."

"He's always refreshing his repertoire," said a Stoke City insider. "People know 'the robot' but I've seen him doing 'the worm', 'the bunny hop' and he's currently working on his 'stirring the pot'."

"He's got good feet for a big man," says local Tory peer Lord Hankey. "But his dance is mostly modern. I specialise in classical ballet and jazz-tap. I reckon I could take him."

In Focus: Trentham

Trentham is located in the south-west of Stoke.

The name Trentham comes from the French saying 'tres temme', which means 'very effeminate' or 'very camp'.

Trentham is home to Trentham Park, Trentham Gardens (which are basically two halves of the same thing) and best of all, Trentham Monkey Forest!

Trentham was one of the “Rotten Boroughs” eliminated as parliamentary constituencies by the Reform Act of 1832.

Horror movie 'The Evil Dead' was filmed on location in Trentham.

Trentham has two different golf courses. They're just taking the piss, no town needs that many.

People from Trentham think they’re so much better than everyone else, but they're not. They're dirty dogs like the rest of us.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.