Uncle Terry Will Sort It Out

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Hi Uncle T, I've always been scared of showing my meat lolly to women cus I have what is known medically as a "micro penis". I really want some fanny but don't want to pay for it, what should I do? - Ted, Cobridge

I would say find yourself a nice girl who won't mind that kind of thing, but we both know that would be bullshit. You should look to Max Clifford as an inspiration; he, like you, had a tiny love snack, but through hard work and making himself wealthy and powerful, he was able to trick women into sorting him out.

Yo T-Dawg, my useleass boyfriend smokes weed all day and this makes him shit in bed, how can I get some hotter action? - Tracy, Milton

Tracy, men who smoke weed are useless. Assuming your man ain't going to be giving up the drugs any time soon, you need to get him on something sexier, something that will get his engine purring. My advice: get him on the cocaine. There's a reason that's the drug of choice for horny celebrities - because IT WORKS.

Terry, my mother-in-law is a right pain in the cock end, I want her out of the picture before she convinces my missus to leave me. How can I make it happen? - Nigel, Hanley

You have three paths: turn your bird against her mum, turn your nightmare-in-law against your bird, or get rid of your problem the old fashioned way. As EYE ON STOKE's lawyers have told me I can't advocate murder, that leaves the first two options. I would suggest finding a scheme that turns them against each other, like stealing from your wife's momma and framing your wife.

Stoke Elects A Badger As Mayor

Following the death of city mayor Lemmy Longclaw last month, Stoke moved quickly to elect a new one - and voted in a badger!

Of course, this is Stoke, and as such, it isn't as ridiculous as it may seem as Stoke has had a badger for mayor since 1974, and the role is largely ceremonial with no real power attached.

The tradition comes from Stoke's war of independence when the city declared itself a republic and tried to break free from the UK. At the end of the war, when British tanks broke through Stoke's defences and pushed into Hanley, marking Stoke's defeat and the war's end, a lone badger stood in defiance of the British army, staring down the enemy and refusing to budge.

That badger, Lil Jimmy, was found guilty of treason and sent to Gibraltar to live in exile, but his stand became legendary and led to the city creating the role of mayor purely to vote a badger into office to honour his memory.

Stoke newest mayor is called Truffles and will start his new role tomorrow.

In Focus: Goldenhill

Goldenhill is located in northern Stoke, between Tunstall and Kidsgrove.

Goldenhill took its name from the big hill in the centre of town, which people used to stand on top of and have a piss. It was seen as a sign of good luck if you could rotate yourself around 360 degrees whilst doing one long unbroken circle of piss around you.

People from Goldenhill are known as "hill folk".

Goldenhill's official motto is "Canis est Agricola", which means "the dog is a farmer".

The average person in Goldenhill eats four crispy pancakes per week.

Pimping is legal in Goldenhill as long as you are pimping people you are related to.

Spaceships are outlawed in Goldenhill and aliens are to be killed on sight.

It is traditional in Goldenhill to smear gravy on your face before eating your Sunday lunch.

The phrase "Chinny reckon" was invented by Goldenhill native Barry Gobblesworth.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

People Who Say "Fake News" A Lot Are Thick, Says Study

A new study by nerds at Staffordshire University has found that people who use the term "fake news" are less intelligent than people who don't.

"Listen, this is not a dig at Donald Trump," Professor Jack Scrumps said. "I'm a big fan of the man, big fan. I once did a piss into the letterbox of one of his hotels. Good times."

The study analysed the social media posts of people rating overall intelligence from their output and linking it to uses of certain keywords and phrases.

"According to the study, Trump is a fuckwit," Professor Scrumps added. "The study doesn't lie."

Phrases that smarter people use include "gumption", "cut of your jib" and "no bad can possibly come from this".

Stoke Named Best Place In The World, Again

A survey of over 10,000 people in Stoke has found that the world's best place is Stoke.

"This result was not unexpected," said Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board. "This is not the first time we have taken this title, and it won't be the last. We are magnificent bastards."

London came in joint last place with 0 votes.

Here is a how the votes went:

Stoke - 90%

Paris - 3%

Kavos - 2%

Ibiza - 1%

Prague - 1%

Blackpool - 1%

Amsterdam - 1%

Benidorm - 1%

London - 0%

Fallout Makers Deny Copying Stoke

Bethesda Softworks, makers of the 'Fallout' video game series, have denied accusations that the games are a blatant rip off of life in Stoke.

"I recently played through Fallout 4," gamer Chubb Yates said. "On the PS4, not the Xbox One, I'm not a peasant. I noticed that the overworld of the game was incredibly similar to that of Longton. A bit too similar. More than is normal."

Longton, yesterday

"So I went back and played Fallout 3 and what did I find?" Chubb continued. "Norton, that's what."

Chubb contacted Bethesda employees on Twitter and got only one reply: "What is a Stoke?"

"Their silence speaks volumes," Chubb concluded. "I hope the city council quite literally sues the shit out of dem yankee bastards."

Crouchy's Autobiography To Be Preserved Forever

The Stoke Book Registry has announced that its 2017 selection is Peter Crouch's autobiography, 'Walking Tall: My Story'.

Every year, one important work of literature is selected to be preserved forever in the Library of Stoke.

"This is a massive honour for Crouchy," commented Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed, 105. "But well deserved. The book is a masterpiece, a journey into greatness, a tour de force of humanity AND humility, an experience so vivid one will feel like they are walking in Crouchy's shoes and seeing the world through his eyes."

The book follows the 2016 selection, 'A La Recherche du Temps Perdu' by Marcel Proust, and 2015's 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka.

Port Vale News

Port Vale have announced ambitious to attract more female fans to games at a press conference at Mothercare in Hanley today.

"We are living in the 20th Century now and women are an important part of Stoke and the world," club director Wayne Bungle announced. "They have their own money and free time nowadays so why not come to Vale Park and cheer the Scamps on?"

The club carried out a survey amongst its male season ticket holders to see what women like and would attract them to games.

"The results were clear: women like knitting, wine and dancing," Bungle continued. "As such, we will be opening a knitting section in the Sentinel Stand, employing male dancers in all four stands and opening our own vineyard in Burslem to produce Port Vale branded wine."

Following a standing ovation, and a little dance, Bungle finished the conference. "With this, Vale has shown itself to be the most forward-thinking club in the country. Onwards and upwards!"

Punters Fear Post-Brexit Prostitute Price Hike

Punters and Johns from around the city have urged Stoke City Council to ensure a price freeze on sex workers once Britain leaves the EU following last year's Brexit vote.

Dave Holdcroft, president of the Stoke Society of Shaggers [SSS], worries rising inflation and the departure of EU and non-EU citizens from Stoke will lead to a massive price rise for sexual services.

"The price of fanny has already gone up by 10% since June," Dave says. "Foreign fanny is normally cheaper, but when there's none of it about, what the fuck are we gonna do?"

"The fact of the matter is that Stoke slags just don't wanna be pros no more in the way they did in the past," Dave continues. "Local women have gotten lazy. The council needs to regulate and promote the industry, maybe even nationalise it, or Stokalise it, as you might say. This is important."

2016 Review: December

Ancient cave paintings were discovered by students in Packmoor on a school trip, which local historians claim to be over 18,000 years old!

"This is the historical find of the century," Staffordshire University lecturer Quentin Git proclaimed. "These give an insight into ancient humanity that no other similar find in the whole world has ever done. We've yet to decipher everything, like what words like 'dave' or 'shaz' or 'tupac' mean, or why they had a fascination with drawing ejaculating penises, but this changes everything we thought we knew about the world and humanity."