Big Mama's House

Everyone loves Stoke City legend Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe, and with good reason. Well, now we can all show our love for him in more ways than waving from the touchline and singing obscene songs on a Saturday afternoon as the star has opened his own patisserie called 'Melice' in the Potteries Shopping Centre, just along from the Yankee Candle shop.

On offer are authentic French baked goods and traditional soft drinks such as Tizer. Stoke City manager Mark Hughes and current players attended the grand opening, making it the most star-studded event of the summer.

Biggins Takes Over Tumblr

Stoke City football legend Wayne Biggins has had his fair share of fan clubs and fanzines in his time, but now, he is set to conquer a whole new territory: Tumblr!

http://waynebiggins.tumblr.com

A new Tumblr page dedicated to "the original white Pele" has been set up called The Legend of Wayne Biggins, which you can access via the link above. It has proved a sensation with fans old and new and is fast becoming the go-to site for Wayne fans.

Stoke Wins Commonwealth Games Contract

Athletes from the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent may not be able to compete in the Commonwealth Games because of its declaration of independence from the UK and Commonwealth in 1974, but an entrepreneur from the city has won the contract to be the official gun supplier to the games!

"I've recently come into the possession of several pistols," Simon Gump explained. "The people I was going to sell them to have had to go away for a few years so I was at a loose end. As soon as I saw the Commonwealth Games were coming, I saw my chance."

Simon's guns will be used as starter pistols at the games, currently taking place in Glasgow in Northern England, as well as being back-up guns in the shooting events.

"I also told them I could have gotten hold of steroids for the athletes too but they weren't interested," Simon added. "I think someone else must have got that contract."

Chavs Accused Of Infiltrating Schools

Stoke City Council is under pressure to intervene after reports that extremist chav groups had infiltrated free schools in the city.

"We take accusations like this very seriously and will be asking around to get the word on the street," city councillor Jinky Watkins told reporters via satellite from his holiday home in Barbados.

It is alleged that chav groups have been going into local schools, giving assemblies where they make vague and untrue assumptions about foreigners, make students in art classes paint Burberry patterns and encourage bullying and violence against "fancy dans" and hipsters.

"They're trying to convert children to the chav lifestyle," education expert Gary Battlefield explains. "Normally this is done through internet propaganda on sites like Facebook, and we should be worried they are now targeting our kids directly. Chavs: leave our kids alone!"

Stoke To Be Fully Concrete By 2020

Stoke City Council has laid down ambitious plans for the city to be completely concreted by the year 2020.

"Concrete is the future," city councillor for the environment Max Sleazely said. "Trees and grass might have been OK when Robin Hood was roaming around Stoke but the world has moved on and so shall we. No bad can possibly come from this."

How Stoke will look in 2020.
Pigeon not to scale.

Project architect Ralph Milne explains further. "I see those movies and games of a dystopian future and I think, 'That's how I want Stoke to look'. That's my vision."

"It won't all be concrete of course," Councillor Sleazely adds. "There will be tarmac too."

Barry For The Win

Fenton Magistrates Court's registry office has released a list to show the most common names for nippers born in the city for the tax year 2013-2014. Barry is the top boys name for a fourth consecutive year while Kayleigh is the most popular name for girls for the first time in three years, knocking Kim off top perch.

Top names for boys:

Barry

Steve

Dave

Mackenzie

Terry

Top names for girls:

Kayleigh

Kim

Khloe

Beyonce

Sharon

River Trent Voted World’s Best

A poll amongst Stokies has found that local river, the River Trent, is considered the world's best.

"I'm not surprised by this outcome," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "The River Trent is a fine river, a magnificent river, and a worthy winner. It's not known as 'the people's river' for nothing."

"The River Trent holds a mythical status that no other water based thing can match," explains Billy Binger, Professor of Trent Studies at Staffordshire University. "To this day, debates rage all over the world about where the fabled source of the River Trent is. Some say it's Knypersley Reservoir, some say elsewhere. I guess we'll never know. It's this kind of hype that keeps the Trent in people's hearts and minds."

The results of the poll were:

Trent 90%

Churnet 5%

Nile 3%

Danube 2%

Last with no votes was the Thames.

Stoke Culinary Classics With Chef Barry Cockles

No. 2: Coq au Tizer

Fizzy pop is one of the essential food groups in Stoke, and Tizer is king of the fizzy drinks when it comes to meat.

Coq au Tizer is usually made with chicken (cock), but really any meat will do. I recommend going to J. and P. Fahey butchers in Sneyd Green, they stock a good range of meats (including game) and also sell 2 litre bottles of Tizer. All your shopping needs, basically.

Cook whatever meat(s) you've chosen to use, then put it in your pot. Add seasoning (salt and vinegar) and anything else you want, such as leaves or bits of oatcake. Pour in the Tizer and cook for 45-60 minutes, until the meat is tender, preferably melted together into one big mass.

Normally, mushrooms would be added at this point, but I don't like them so I wouldn't recommend doing that.

Remove the meat and anything else in the pot and place them on a warm serving dish. Add butter and flour to the Tizer sauce left in the pot, and whisk while bringing to the boil. When the sauce has thickened, pour over your meat and voila! Coq au Tizer!

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout after reports that a Cockney was spotted in the city centre last night.

"I definitely heard one at The Reginald Mitchell," Mandy Fistsock said. "It was saying stuff like 'guv'nor', 'wassup' and 'lovely jubbly'. It was a horrible abuse of the English language. I just left and never looked back."

"There has been more crime lately than normal," PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police said. "We attributed it to the half term school holidays, but a cockney on the loose would make much more sense. When we finally catch it, we can probably also link it to any unsolved crimes since its been in the area too."

"If you see a cockney, do not approach it," PC Shanks warns. "Call the police and get well away from it."

Hand Jobs For The Handicapped

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