Asbo For Hovercraft Thief

A hovercraft thief has received an Asbo banning him from touching any hovercraft he doesn’t own for three years. Ryland Ricketts, 13, faces a lengthy jail sentence if he is caught handling or driving a hovercraft unless he has documents proving that he is the owner.

It is the first time that such a restriction has been placed on a hovercraft thief caught by Staffordshire Police’s hovercraft task force. Officers today asked the public to contact them if they spot Ricketts breaching the terms of his ban.

Ricketts, from Bentilee, had the Asbo imposed by Fenton magistrates after being caught attempting to steal a hovercraft at Lake Burslem. He was also placed under a three-month curfew and given a supervision order for 18 months.

A hovercraft on Lake Burslem

An accomplice, Steve Mailman, 12, also from Bentilee, was jailed for six weeks in a maximum security facility after being convicted of theft. Both were caught red-handed by the police’s hovercraft task force during a police barbecue at Lake Burslem.

Mailman was spotted loitering around a decoy hovercraft for several hours and was joined by Ricketts, who cut the lock securing the hovercraft to a cardboard cutout of Port Vale manager of Micky Adams. Ricketts was detained immediately while Mailman attempted to escape on a yacht but sailed straight into the path of a police pedalo.

Barry Shanks, police spokesman, said: “This is a significant decision of the court which has resulted in harsh sentences for these ne'er-do-wells. Hovercraft theft is a crime that can have a considerable impact on victims and we will continue to target those involved.”

The hovercraft task force, set up in 2010 with funding from Stoke City Council, has made more than 2 arrests since its inception.

Stoke Better Than London Admit Cockneys

Cockneys have conceded Stoke is a superior city to London, an astonishing new tourism survey reveals today. Officials responsible for selling cockney attractions to the world say visitors would be better off heading to Stoke.

Cockneys have regularly boasted that nowhere beats their restaurants, pavement cafés and tourist attractions, such as the Tower of London. But now Stoke is accepted as the more impressive city in every aspect, from its cuisine and taxis to its landmarks such as the statue of Sir Stanley Matthews and the Potteries Centre.

London, yesterday

The survey, which graded 116 criteria ranging from road signposts to the quality of museums, found that very few people in Stoke could respond to any other European language beyond English.

Public transport in London is considered particularly poor, with tickets difficult to buy and the roads old and dirty. Furthermore, the chances of getting stabbed on any given day in London are around 50% in some areas.

City of London spokesman Jamie Dalrimple said: "The survey reflects reality. London is a shithole and there are definite improvements to make."

Scientists Replicate The Sounds Of Stoke

A team from the University of Central Lancashire in Preston have used physics and mathematics to replicate the natural sounds of Stoke.

They have also modelled the effects of atmospheres, pressures and temperatures on the human voice in Stoke, and found that a cockney in Stoke would sound like a Smurf.

Some typical Londoners. Note the bad dress
sense and inbred-looking faces.

Professor Bob Knieval, of the university's Institute for Sound and Noise Research, said: "We are confident of our calculations. We have been rigorous in our use of physics taking into account atmospheres, pressure and fluid dynamics. In Stoke, the pitch of your voice would become much deeper. That is because the city's dense atmosphere means that the vocal cords vibrate more slowly. However, the speed of sound in the Stoke is much faster than it is in London, and this tricks the our brain so that when we hear a cockney voice from London, they sound like Smurfs."

Despite many years of sound research, the scientists have no evidence of any cockneys ever visiting Stoke and their test results are only hypothetical.

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"Turn Left" by Monty deschanel

And have a happy Easter! That is all.

Council May Publish Elders' Tax Information

Stoke City Council are committed to transparency will disclose whether council elders earn more than the threshold for the top level of income tax, says council spokesman Phil Collins.

The city council has faced widespread criticism for giving themselves pay rises while the 50p tax rate was cut and while regular Stokies have been hit hard with the so-called “pasty tax” on the sale of the hot baked goods, a staple food in Stoke.

Collins says: “We are not in a daily popularity contest but Stoke is in a daily business contest with the rest of the world. I think the council is helping Stoke to win that contest.”

Collins insists that council elders and he are “in touch” with ordinary people and claims that accusations they live in a “different world” are simply “the usual charge from the usual lefty-commie bastards”.

Collins says: “The council elders have been at the forefront of transparency, we are far more transparent about the way councils operate. Just the other day we published figures showing how much is spent annually on hog roasts. Do you think any cockney coumcils would do that? Didn't think so."

Mr Collins refuses to clarify the current status of his own tax affairs, but says he's "so rich I'm shitting cash".

5 Pensioners Taken To Hospital After Illegal Street Race Crash Disaster Mayhem

Ambulance crews were called to the scene of a crash in Festival Park in the early hours of the morning after a mobility scooter collided with a wall.

Five pensioners were taken to the University Hospital of North Staffordshire following the crash during an illegal street race at 2.15am.

Four ambulances, a paramedic officer in a rapid response vehicle and a trauma doctor were sent to the scene.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "Ambulance crews responded to a mobility scooter in collision with a wall at Festival Park during the early hours of this morning.  A female driver of the mobility scooter was treated for chest and leg injuries. A further female suffered a pelvic injury. Both patients were taken to hospital. Three other patients, a male and two females, were treated for minor injuries and were also taken to hospital for further assessment and treatment. These illegal street races need to stop. Pensioners are out of control in Stoke-on-Trent. I propose martial law."

Staffordshire University Expresses Fears About Gove's Plans To Reform A-Levels

Staffordshire University has expressed concern over education secretary Michael Gove's plans to ask members of the public to set A-level exams in two years' time, claiming that the system is "not broken".

Gove has written to the qualifications watchdog Ofqual, on scented paper, calling for exam boards and ministers to "take a step back" from dictating the content of the exams.

Instead, members of the public will be allowed to set questions and deciding what topics students will need to know. Schools will be advised to put their pupils in for only those A-levels that have been approved by the the public.

Michael Gove, today

"I am increasingly concerned that current A-levels, though they have much to commend them, fall short of commanding the level of confidence we would want to see," Gove's letter to Ofqual states. "In line with allowing members of the public to create their own schools, we will now allow them to set A-level questions."

But Staffordshire University said setting A-level questions was a "much more complex task than letting a few knuckleheads come up with questions off the top of their idiot heads".

"I fear that some of Gove's concerns are based on some dream he had that idiots know better than experts," said university spokesman Ken Lick. "I doubt that white van men are better placed than exam boards to undertake the highly complex task of setting examinations for many thousands of 18-year-olds."

Murdoch Quits As Signal Gold Chairman

Barry Murdoch has stepped down as chairman of Signal Gold Radio seven weeks after giving up a similar role at The Daily Oatcake newspaper saying he "could become a whipping gimp" for criticism of the radio station, in the wake of condemnation of his handling of The Daily Oatcake phone-hacking scandal.

The 59-year-old felt he needed to give up a position to avoid the risk of being forced to quit should he be severely criticised by a forthcoming report from Stoke City Council elders into the scandal.

Writing to the listeners of Signal Gold, Barry was seen as the heir presumptive to his father Terry Murdoch until last summer's revelations about the hacking of people's phones, said: "As attention continues to be paid to past events at The Daily Oatcake, I am determined that the interests of Signal Gold should not be undermined by matters outside the scope of this company."

Although Murdoch will hang on to his position a "fun consultant" of Signal Gold, the move caps a retreat by Barry from Hanley to Cannock where he hopes to rebuild his career as Oatcake Corporation's number three, behind his father and Kenin Burgess.

Local councillor Biff Kruger used the latest resignation to harden up his position on media owernship. Kruger said: "Terry Murdoch owns too many newsagents and cornershops in Stoke. Never again must we allow any individual or organisation to acquire such a concentration of power when it comes to media ownership."

Woman Told To Work As Hooker Or Lose Benefits

A Stoke woman who turned down a job providing "services'' at a massage parlour in Cobridge faces possible cuts to her unemployment benefit under laws introduced by the current government.

Kelly Holdcroft, an unemployed information technology professional, had said that she was willing to work in a bar at night and had worked in a cafe.

Could this be a massage parlour?

She received a letter from the Jobcentre telling her that an employer was interested in her "profile'' and that she should ring them. Only on doing so did the woman realise that she was calling a massage parlour.

Under the government's benefit reforms, anyone who has been out of work for more than a year can be forced to take any available job offered to them or lose their unemployment benefit.

When Ms Holdcroft looked into suing the Jobcentre, she found out that it had not broken the law. Jobcentres that refuse to penalise people who turn down a job by cutting their benefits face legal action from the potential employer.

Police Warn People To Check Their Drugs

Sue Ball, 50, was none too pleased to discover the crack cocaine she bought was actually plain old sugar! The Burlsem woman was not about to be ripped off, and called the police to report her dealer!

Ball called Staffordshire Police to report her dealer for theft, telling them she paid £30 for crack cocaine and was given sugar instead.

Some sugar

Ball asked the officers to arrest her dealer for theft and also asked them to secure a refund for her. She also reported the dealer to the Office of Fair Trading.

Officers went to the address where Ball claimed she had purchased the crack but the residents denied selling drugs and refused to allow officers into their home. The police officers decided to call it a night as their shift was nearing an end.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "People need to check what they've bought is the real deal. Only buy from a dealer you trust."