2012 Review: November

November saw the building of a giant wall around the city, known as "The Good Wall of Stoke".

The wall was ordered by the city's Council of Elders as a way to limit the influence of troublemaking outsiders, such as the French, hip hop artists and philosophers.

The wall along Stoke's north-east border

Stoke City Council's secret police did their bit for the city by rounding up undesirables, such as intellectuals and people who wear glasses.

Despite efforts by the resistance movement, lead by charismatic crazy-paver Jon Gash, Stokies fell into line with the new order and now lead happy lives.

2012 Review: October

Stoke was devastated by a MASSIVE earthquake in October, that ripped the city into two parts and killed over half of the city's population.

Packmoor, after the earthquake

Singer Jonathan Wilkes, who survived the earthquake by pushing less important people such as children and old people out of his way, commemorated the dead with a charity single, "Tremors of Love", that was a best seller among the city's devastated surviving population.

As a consequence of the earthquake, many Stokies, especially those from towns in the grim north, reverted to looting and violence as a way of coping with their grief.

2012 Review: September

With the change of season came a change of language in Stoke as French was chosen as the city's official new language when English was bought out by French energy company Dalkia.

The move to the new language and culture was a smooth one as most Stokies were already fluent in the latin tongue and enjoy croissants and cigarettes.

Elsewhere, the Russian state circus came to the city, coinciding with an increase in pick-pocketing, child-abduction and bear-maulings. These happenings are thought to be unrelated.

September also saw further kidnappings by pirates operating on Lake Burslem, when an elderly couple from nearby Leek were taken. The government of the Staffordshire Moorlands market town refused to negotiate with the pirates leading to the ruthless execution of the couple, broadcast live on the internet.

2012 Review: August

August is Stoke's holiday month, with children no longer having to skive off school everyday, and as a result, not much normally happens.

But in August 2012, Stoke saw a bombing attack on its underground system by Scottish separatist terrorists, an attack that killed over 10,000 people.

The attack came about as a response by terrorists to Stoke's Council of Elders's pledge to campaign against Scottish independence, after Scottish paramilitary groups had declined to help Stoke during its own war of independence.

Scottish terror leader Hamish McBurger was later killed during an American drone attack.

2012 Review: July

July saw the banning of cats in Stoke, after the city council said the furry creatures had reneged on their deal to control the city's rodent population in favour of getting fat and tom-foolery.

Fuck off.

Instead of cats, city council bigwigs have encouraged Stokies to get owls or snakes as pets, as they eat rats for fun and are less lazy than cats.

Elsewhere, a band of Orcs tried to enter the city via the south wall, but armed locals held them off with hammers.

2012 Review: June

Stoke was hit by a massive tsunami that swept up the River Trent in early June, leading to the deaths of over half of the city's population.

Global warming has been blamed for the incident, though not everyone agrees. "Global warming is the biggest load of shit ever," said EYE ON STOKE columnist, and parking attendant, Dick Mellor. "There's no evidence for it whatsoever. This was an act of God, punishing the deviant community of Stoke for their perverted ways. You know who I'm talking about."

The River Trent bursts it banks

Later in the month, Fred "Convict" Hallpass was released from prison after serving 76 years on death row at HMP Werrington for crimes he didn't commit. Staffordshire Police had beat a confession from him for multiple murders when he was just 7 years old.

"We still believe that 'Convict Fred' is guilty," said police spokesman Barry Shanks. "Getting confessions in this way is a tried-and-trusted method used by police forces all over the world, and for good reason: It works."

Upon release, Fred was re-arrested on suspicion of committing 73 unsolved murders that have taken place since he was originally imprisoned.

2012 Review: May

May started on a downer for Stokies when Etruria nuclear power station exploded, leading to the deaths of over half of Stoke's population. A powerful tribute graffiti mural has been painted at the site of Stoke's newest nuclear power station in Trent Vale to those who tragically lost their lives.

Meanwhile, local computer hacker Tez Littledyke won his high profile extradition case at Fenton Magistrates Court. The Scottish Assembly had wanted him extradited to the country after he hacked into their website and accessed information such as the secret ingredients for Irn Bru and Scotland's WMD capabilities.

2012 Review: April

Stoke joined the space race in April with the launch of SSS Oatcake, which exploded 10 seconds after lift off.

Fortunately for Stokies, the wreckage of the £23 billion space ship fell over nearby Kidsgrove, killing 453 people there, but leaving Stoke undamaged.

Meanwhile, Stoke's population tanned themselves and walked around the city topless in a tropical weather spell meant for Bermuda but which accidentally ended up over the city.

In Peter Crouch news, the gangly frontman released his debut rap album to rave reviews.

2012 Review: March

Disaster struck Stoke in March when Mount Terry erupted spewing lava across much of the northern and central towns of Stoke, eventually taking the lives of over half of the city's population. The fallen are remembered in a sculpture of the volcano in the car park at Sainsbury's in Stoke.

Survivors cheered themselves when badger baiting season opened with the murder of Stoke's oldest and biggest badger, "Large Ken". The badger's death, at the hands of men with broken WKD bottles, opened up a city-wide debate on the future of the sport, currently seeing bigger crowds than ever. Nigel "Nidge" Snotshot, manager of the city's biggest team, the Fegg Hayes Rascals, was called to a session of the Council of Elders to defend the sport.

2012 Review: February

Following rumours about Royalist involvement in the assassination of city elder Derek Wiggy in January, Stoke erupted into civil war in February.

Royalist forces from the south of Stoke, who wanted Stoke to remain part of the UK, took control of the city after a surprise assault on the north. However, Republican pockets of resistance continued to fight. Only Fegg Hayes remained officially not under control of the UK government and Royalist forces, and swore allegiance to Stoke's Council of Elders.

Fegg Hayes's stance inspired other towns in Stoke to stand up to Royalist invaders. Swamp guerrilla fighters in Sneyd Green took back the town, as did mountain warriors in Packmoor. After winning a series of battles, Republican forces marched into Hanley and placed their flag around the shoulders of the statue of Sir Stanley Matthews, just outside of Poundland.

With the northern forces being short of funds, Royalists stopped benefit payments and set up a blockade to stop urgent supplies getting to the north of the city. These blockades were easily breached by people from the Staffordshire Moorlands however who brought much needed cigarettes and alcohol for the resistance fighters.

Bolstered by the entire ranks of the British Army, Navy and RAF, the Royalists slowly asserted control back over the city, and after more than two weeks of war, during which over half of Stoke's population was killed, Royalist forces under the command of Michael Gove eventually captured Fegg Hayes and Stoke fell back under UK control.

2012 Review: January

2012 got off to an exciting and dramatic start in Stoke when the City Council elder for Fegg Hayes, Derek Wiggy, was assassinated by an angry loner who has yet to be identified.

Derek Wiggy's funeral procession in Fegg Hayes

Despite local man Gary Log being convicted of the crime based on eyewitness testimony from his ex-wife Tracy, the conviction was overturned when it transpired Mrs Log was in Tenerife at the time and couldn't have witnessed the crime, even with a complex series of mirrors that she claimed to have set up for just the possibility of something like that happening involving her ex-husband.

Elsewhere, Stoke's oldest man, Ken Barry, 61, married for the 7th time and claimed that the secret to his long life was a daily diet of oatcakes and cigarettes.

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

An EYE ON STOKE reader has reported that he spotted a Cockney on a bus in the city on Friday.

"I was surprised," said the man, who we shall call Jon Gash. "You don't normally see them this far north at this time of year."

Cockneys are easily spotted by their loud manner, bad dress sense and ugly faces.

"This one fit the profile completely," added Mr Gash. "Hearing that god-awful accent made me want to punch my own ears in."

Stokies have been warned to stay well away from any cockneys they may meet as they are thought to be especially aggressive in cold weather.

Would You Adam And Adam It?

By Dick Mellor, seeker of truth and justice.

I see that gay marriage is going to be allowed now. Dave Cameron may as well just get down on his knees, go gay and suck off the whole of the loony left right now because that lot won't be happy until we're all gay.

All this gay marriage guff makes me want to boke my brains out though my eye balls. If God had wanted us men to bugger each other, he would have given us blokes a fanny as well as an arse-hole, which is for shitting only in my opinion, and also in the opinion of our Lord. Unless you're a woman, in which case your arse is fair game.

I am literally banging my head against a brick wall over this, and not banging a man over a brick wall.

*Dick's latest book of photography, 'Stoke Nudes: 1976-1986', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

You're Just A Fat Spanish Waiter

West Brom 0-1 Stoke City

Stoke's win takes them above Arsenal in the league table, though Arsene Wenger is unaware of this as he has not seen it. Celebrity West Brom fan Frank Skinner drowned his sorrows after the game by going on a violent rampage around the West Midlands, though this may not actually be true.

Sheffield United 2-1 Port Vale

The Scamps crash out of the Milk Cup to manager Micky Adams's former team, who he got relegated on purpose so he could come back to Stoke, the home of football. After the match, Adams took the players round his mum's castle in the city for tea and scones.

Fegg Hayes Bastards 12-11 Kidsgrove Barnacles

The Bastards move from bottom to top of the league thanks to a first half quadruple hat-trick from star left half Kenny Loggins. Although the Barnacles scored eleven in the opening ten minutes of the second half, they were never in the game.

Stoke's Man Of The Year

Stoke City Council has listed its nominees for the coveted "Man of the Year" award. They are:

*Adrian Lewis

*Jonathan Wilkes

*Peter Crouch

*The Packmoor Ripper

E-mail your vote to the city council now at: Enquiries@stoke.gov.uk. You should enter "Man of the Year" in your e-mail subject line.

The event will be hosted by Jonathan Wilkes himself as he has promised a video appearance by Robbie Williams and not to give the award to himself if it is undeserved.

There will be no woman of the year award.

Crouchy To Get Bravery Award

Stoke City Council has announced that it will award Peter Crouch Stoke's highest award for bravery, the Victoria Ground Cross.

The award is announced after it was revealed that Crouchy lost two teeth (and may later lose a third) during the Carling Premiership match against Newcastle Tigers on Wednesday night.

"Our thoughts go out to Crouchy at this difficult time after his tragic loss," said councillor Jinky Watkins. "Our hopes and prayers are with him and his lovely missus."

You Couldn't Make It Up

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's leading thinker.

I'm sick of these shaven-headed, loose-trousered, teenage scrotes I see hanging around on our street corners on a daily basis, smoking "blunts" and drinking "voddy" and red bull like it's going out of fashion. It's about time we brought back National Service for these bog-eyed, slack-jawed, free-loading, fuck-brained wastrels who are collecting ASBOs and shitting out kids like it's going out of fashion. Let's get some discipline into these ugly, dick-handed, sparrow-arsed bastards by smacking them about for a year or two under the tutelage of "our brave boys" in the army. That'll wipe the smug, shit-munching grin off those spotty, gash-mouthed, twat-nosed fucktards.

I see that some droopy-titted, lightswitch-nippled, cock-eyed, hippie left-wing council or other in Yorkshire has told a couple of foster parents they can't look after anymore nippers because they're members of UKIP. You couldn't make it up. And if you did, everyone would think you're a right bender. This is what you get when you vote the loony left into power, like I didn't know that already. People in Stoke beware: this could happen here if you keep voting in that lot of commie bastards currently pissing onto our heads from their red ivory towers while laughing like cocks.

*Dick's latest sex manual, 'Sorting Out Your Woman, Good And Proper', is available now for Amazon Kindle, published by Dick Mellor Corp.

Entertainment Picks Of The Week

TV

Die Hard (Channel 4+1, Friday, 11pm)

The touching tale of a young black man's first day of work as a chauffeur. Also starring Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman. Rating: 4/5

Music

Pink Floyd: "Dark Side Of The Moon" (out now)

Available for just £8.99 in HMV in Hanley, this classic album is notable for being an unofficial soundtrack to film 'The Wiz'. Rating: 4/5

Radio

Wayne Biggins's 'White Album' Dissection (Signal Gold, Thursday, 8am)

In place of the usual breakfast show, Wayne Biggins instead dissects the classic Beatles album commonly known as "The White Album". Rating: 4/5

Stoke Man Gives Up Alcohol

It has been reported that a Stoke man has given up alcohol.

The unconfirmed story has sent shock waves throughout the city and has lead to panic buying of the Stoke's remaining alcohol supplies, now that there is in theory more to go around.

More news to follow.

Your Problems, Sorted Out.

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Terry, I'm currently seeing three different women at the same time and I don't know what to do - Dante Block, Trentham

This doesn't sound like a problem at all, in fact, it sounds like the opposite of a problem. Stop showing off.

My husband wants to take me to a swingers club and watch me have sex with loads of different men, but I don't want to do it - Sharon Conk, Hanley

Don't be afraid, this is a perfectly natural evolution within the union of marriage, it happens to us all at some point. If you love your husband, you will do it.

I'm scared that I might kill again, the voices keep telling me to do it, but I want to stop - The Penkhull Poisoner

It's always important to listen to what the little man inside tells you to do, and that's not me saying that, that is the reason Robin van Persie gave for joining Man Utd, and I think it holds true in life in general.

Crouchy Doppelganger Arrested

A man has been arrested in Stoke for impersonating Peter Crouch.

The man, Digger Barnes, from Bentilee, was eventually discovered enjoying a free stay at a massage parlour when a Crouch fan also present pointed out that the doppelganger was only 5 feet 8 inches tall while the real Crouch is an impressive 6 feet 7 inches.

It is believed that Barnes had enjoyed free drinks, hotel stays, restaurant visits and women while pretending to be Crouch, and recently performed the opening ceremony at a butcher's shop in Hanford.

Crouch is said to be impressed with the man's "gumption".

Page 3

Today's Page 3 girl is Sharon Treacle, 22, from Fegg Hayes.

Sharon is hopeful that the recent Middle East peace settlement can hold. "I hope and pray that Israel and the other lot can come together and find a peaceful solution to the current crisis," she says. "War there would destabilise the whole region."

To Me, To Stoke

Comedy pioneers The Chuckle Brothers have announced that they will be coming to Stoke's Regent Theatre on 13 April 2013. Details can be found here:

http://www.atgtickets.com/shows/the-chuckle-brothers/regent-theatre/

Here's hoping the Chuckles don't get caught up in the Jimmy Savile sex scandal and are able to perform their show.

Let's Bomb The Lot Of Them

By Dick Mellor, seeker of THE TRUTH.

I see that that lot of wrong-religioned nutters in the Middle East are at it again. Well, I for one think we should bomb the whole lot of them and be done with it. I'll happily press the button. They're both as bad as each other as far as I'm concerned. It's barren land anyway, I don't know why they're so bothered about it. If I learned one thing from the Bible, and I didn't, I learned everything, it's that you should build your house upon a rock, find a good foundation on a solid spot. Don't build your house upon sandy land, it's a waste of time.

I see also that more desperate fame-whores have been shipped off to a jungle in a former (and present?) prison colony for the amusement of onlookers. Normally, this would be a good thing, but not when it invades my TV screen in the form of 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' on ITV1. This lot of perverts should be left out there to rot as far as I'm concerned, or better still, let's drop a bomb on them. I'll happily press the button.

*Dick's latest pamphlet, 'Commies: How To Spot Them And How To Run Them Out Of Town Like Common Pigmies', published by Dick Mellor Publishing Corp., is available soon.

Business Experts Give Free Advice

Business leaders from across the world have come together to advise companies on best practise for organising office parties, events or extravaganzas.

The best course of action, according to the absolute best experts in the world, is for offices to set up a "party planning committee", made up of a committee head and two or three lesser members.

A party planning committee in action

"This is solid gold advice," said one world-class expert. "Only an idiot would not take this on board. A proper fupping idiot."

"Most events in the workplace are currently organised by mongs," added a well-known business genius. "Having a proper committee helps to fight such egomaniacal lunatics and their boring ideas."

Man Volunteers For Charity

Terry Seagull from Baddeley Green has decided to help out BBC charity Children in Need this year by donating £5 every time a woman has sex with him.

"I plan on asking a lot of women," says Terry, dressed in a purple silk peep-hole onesie when I met him. "If they refuse then they are literally killing nippers in Africa. Literally."

Terry Seagull

Terry hopes to raise hundreds of pounds for the charity, which is close to his heart.

"I was a child myself once, so I know how difficult it can be," he says. "But now I'm all man so those bitches better beware. I'm a skilled lover. But I'm not doing this for myself, I'm doing it for the kids."

350th Anniversary Of The Great Fire Of Longton

Today marks the 350th anniversary of the Great Fire of Longton, Britain's first and arguably still best great fire. As is tradition, Longton's mayor, Ted Bacon, will dress as a flame and run through the city streets.

The fire swept through Longton over five days in 1662. It is believed to have been started by faulty wiring in a pie shop on Baths Road. The fire then spread rapidly across Longton, destroying most of the citadel in the process, around 90% of all buildings in total, including 100% of all of Longton's Turkish baths and opium dens.

Fortunately, the fire did not spread to Longton Castle (home of King Kevin II) or the neighbouring ruling district of Goms Mill, then home to Longton's parliament building, "The Dagger".

False rumours spread around Longton's inhabitants (ironically, like wild fire) that snooty foreigners from nearby Trentham had been seen lighting fires with their cigars and top hats. This lead to many Longtonians forming angry mobs and attacking Trentham and its inhabitants in revenge.

In total, seven deaths were recorded. The figure is thought to be so low because so many people from the city were fighting in Trentham at the time, saving their lives from the fire. The Great Fire is also believed to have eradicated a recent plague of Chlamydia that had broken out in the city.

Serial Killer News

Word on the street is that the Packmoor Ripper is in talks with ITV 2 about appearing in his own fly-on-the-wall documentary series, provisionally scheduled to appear after any programmes featuring Keith Lemon.

The Stoke Strangler has set his sights on former England fast bowler Gladstone Small. "I see him as the ultimate challenge for any strangler," says the murderer. "If he ever comes to Stoke, I will get him."

The Stallington Slasher had a poor night last Tuesday. Three murder attempts were all unsuccessful, leading only to hospital visits for the intended victims. "He'll be disappointed with that performance," says local pundit Kevin Lather. "He needs to stop trying to be a fancy dan and to get stuck in."

The Ridgeway Rapist has said she wants to qualify for Europe. "I'd love to get into Europe," she says. "It would be a dream come true to test myself against the tougher standards of the international game."

Your Problems Answered

Uncle Terry, here to help

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I’m obsessed with Robert Kilroy-Silk, and watch videos of his shows every morning in his old timeslot so that I can pretend that he’s still on the telly - Sharon, Tunstall

Nothing wrong with a bit of fluff in the morning, just as long as your husband is getting some candy as and when he needs it.

My husband makes me dress in men's clothing for sex, is this normal? - Jane, Trentham

Yes, this is perfectly acceptable in most cultures, including yours.

I’m not going to say how it got there, but there is a dead body in my wanking shed. I want rid of it, what should I do? - Pete Doherty, Burslem

I would recommend not moving house any time soon, that's for sure. I would also recommend popping along to the Citizens Advice Bureau in Hanley, on Cheapside, this is exactly the kind of problem they deal with on a regular basis and excel at solving.

Stoke On The Telly

It's a good time for Stoke on TV right now.

BBC 4 is currently showing a documentary series filmed in Stoke called 'The Year the Town Hall Shrank', you can see the BBC's page here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01nvwr8/The_Year_the_Town_Hall_Shrank_All_In_This_Together/

The third and final episode is on BBC 4 tonight at 9pm and available afterwards via the link above.

If you're a sport fan, you can follow Stoke's finest at the Grand Slam of Darts across the Sky Sports channels, or go the website here for more info:

http://www1.skysports.com/darts/

Local legends Ted Hankey and Adrian Lewis are out but 27 times world champion Phil Taylor is still going strong in the tournament.

That is all.

BBC Europe

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Angriest Man

I see that the BBC (which should stand for "Big load of fupping Bollocks Corporation", but doesn't) is in the shit again after falsely accusing a Tory peer of being a kiddyfupper. What a surprise, our Guardian-reading friends at the Beeb forgot to check their facts before shitting it out of their arses and into our eyes and ears as "the news". The only surprise here is that those leftie liberal, bleeding heart, commie, perverts are still going and haven't been handed over to Rupert Murdoch or Richard Desmond to run properly as a commercial enterprise. Eastenders can fupp right off.

I see also that half of Europe is on strike protesting against austerity measures. What a surprise, our Continental friends have found an excuse not to bother doing any work. For a change. That whole lot of those feckless, lazy, foreign bastards should be sacked and replaced by people willing to the work, even if they have to bring in a shit ton of people in from Poland to do it. Unions are nothing more than a bunch of perverts trying to stop Governments from doing their jobs and should be broken up. Thatcher had the right idea, that sexy bitch.

*Dick's latest novel, 'Ganarek and the Sword of Destiny', is available tomorrow from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

You're Getting Sacked In The Morning

Stoke City 1-0 QPR

No-one 'round here likes cockneys, so beating one of that lot makes any victory all the sweeter. Like all cockneys, QPR showed themselves to be feckless, workshy losers and will have to return home down to that London with their tails between their legs, and have to go back to paying at least £2.50 for a can of Coke. Fools. Former QPR player Peter Crouch showed respect to his old team by not scoring against them. Classy.

Southend 0-0 Port Vale

After reading an article on MumsNet saying that good things happen when you least expect them, Scamps manager Micky Adams played a defensive 10-0-0 formation to put this theory to the test by not attacking the opposition. Southend manager Paul Sturrock had read the same article leading to a stalemate with both teams hesitant to enter the opposition half.

Fegg Hayes Ltd 6-0 Kidsgrove Corp

Fegg Hayes boss Keith Gobbler, 78, picked himself at left half for this match to show his young team, nicknamed the "Gobbler Babes", how it should be done, and scored seven goals, all of them back-heels, one from the half way line which was ruled out after the match for being "too outrageous". Kidsgrove manager Lord Washington resigned after the game to spend more time with his mistress, at the expense of spending more time with this family.

Give Phillip Schofield A Knighthood

Dick Mellor,
prisoner of the truth

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Number One Columnist.

I see that the soppy, lily-bollocked liberal media has got its silk knickers in a twist (and probably jizzed in them a little as well) in its condemnation of Phillip Schofield after he did what all right-minded people in his position would have done and handed over a list of probable paedos he found on a random internet page to Prime Minister Dave Cameron live on TV show 'This Morning'!

It's absofuckinlutley ruddyculous (a cross between ruddy and ridiculous) that he is being criticised for this act of bravery, standing up to the paedo menace that is terrorising the land on a daily basis. It's typical of the pro-paedo liberal media in this once Great but now Broken Britain that Schofield is being portrayed as the villain here rather than the kiddy-fiddling nonces who are able to go about their daily molestations without anybody being able to stop them, thanks to those big bag of floppy soft dicks in Brussels who spend their days worrying about pointless shenanigans like bendy bananas, human rights and what expenses they can fleece from the system and none of their time worrying about real issues like the noncification of Europe. 

Back in my day, it was perfectly acceptable to beat up someone you suspected of being a nonce, so what if the wrong person got lynched occasionally it was all done for the greater good and the victims accepted it was just part and parcel of being a weirdo back then: you would get beaten up occasionally if people thought you looked like the type who might have a go on a nipper. We've gone soft in this country and it's time we all got hard again.

I see also that Obama (or "Obummer" as I call him) has been elected American President again by our obese cousins across the Atlantic Ocean, or British Ocean, as it should be called. "What a breath of fresh air," you're probably thinking. WRONG! Obummer is literally in the pocket of happy clappy, leftie, tree-hugging, crack-smoking celebrities and the gay mafia and got where he is today by sucking corporate teat, where as rival Mitt Romney, who should have won the race to the White House (not racist), already a part of the corporate machine that enables our society to run smoothly, is someone who normally gets his teats sucked by stammering, bog-eyed wannabes like Obummer. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather have a teat-suckee as president rather than a teat-sucker.

*Dick's latest essay, 'Hating The Player AND The Game', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

Dick Mellor

EYE ON STOKE would like to introduce you to its controversial new columnist: Dick Mellor!

Dick is one of Stoke most outspoken self-published authors, and is a vehement campaigner against liberalism, the arts and the paranormal.

"I will tell it like it is," Dick says about his weekly column. "I won't be taking any prisoners, what you see is what you get with me. I will be putting the world to rights whether you like it or not."

Dick's first column will appear tomorrow, look out for it!

Packmoor Ripper To Release Autobiography

One of Stoke's most famous serial killers, the Packmoor Ripper, has announced that he has signed a book deal and will soon release an autobiography, just in time for Christmas.

Speaking on Signal Gold’s British Bulldog Brunch Show to host Terry "Mad Dog" Murdoch, the Ripper confirmed that he had signed the deal after getting advice from God. "I called out to Him and He said unto me, 'Everyone has an opinion about you, it's time you told your side of the story, exclusively to Random House Publishing.' And I agree, so here it is."

The book, titled 'A Ripping Good Yarn: My Story', will be available during November in hardback for £14.99 before being published in paperback (RRP £7.99) at the start of December.

The book will detail the Ripper's rise to fame, relationships, views on political correctness and the EU and how his religious faith helps him deal with the pressure of being a public figure.

Unfortunately for fans, the Ripper will be unable to make any public appearances to accompany the book’s release. "While my identitiy is still secret and the rozzers are after me, my agent has warned me it's unwise to make any public appearances or I’ll probably get arrested and stuck in the pokey," he explains. "That said, I may kill a couple of prozzies or something to help build up the publicity."

Jumpers For Goalposts

Stoke City 0-0 Sunderland

This was obviously the best game in the Premier League this weekend, as proven by the fact that it was the last (or headline) game on 'Match of the Day' last night. Gary Lineker was literally too gobsmacked to offer any opinions on the encounter. Stoke player Marc Wilson broke his leg during the game, but the Stoke players have promised to draw penises on the cast every single day until it's removed, to help keep his spirits up.

Northampton 2-0 Port Vale

The Scamps fell to a shock defeat to Midlands rivals Northampton ("The Cobblers"), who Scamps fans tried to involve in the ongoing Jimmy Savile scandal by holding up signs saying: "Cobblers, What Did You Do To Help?" Manager Micky Adams was so upset after the game he fell into a funk and refused to dance at the after-match disco, even when 'Love Shack' was played by Vale's resident DJ, Big Dave.

Fegg Hayes Sharks 1-1 Kidsgrove Klux Klan (LATEST)

As neither team was happy with a draw, both managers agreed to play "next goal wins". 24 hours later, the game is still ongoing. Alejandro Pegg gave the Klansmen the lead after 6 seconds, only for Jane Grundies to equalise for the Sharks 8 seconds later. As the floodlights failed at half time, fans were encouraged to smoke cigars and cigarettes in the stands to shine light onto the pitch. Attendance: 76,532.

Football Focused

Stoke v Sunderland

Peter Crouch had been warming up for this game by perfecting his comedy Geordie accent, which he hoped to use to tease the Sunderland players during tomorrow’s game. However, Michael Owen pointed out that people from Newcastle (not Sunderland) are Geordies and that his plan was mental. Undeterred, Crouchy will instead use his "cockney geezer" voice to frighten the glum nor’easterners out of his way leaving him room to like score goals and stuff.

Northampton v Port Vale

The Scamps go to Northampton for a Midlands derby that will probably be the biggest game in England this weekend, barring a scorching Chelsea v Man Utd match on Sunday in the Carling Premiership. Scamps star striker Pope Tom has literally been wrapped in cotton wool all week to avoid injury, while club physio Terry Dumpty reckons he can now "fully deep heat a leg in 10 seconds" following extra training sessions this month. Boss Micky Adams is hoping to get some shoes repaired while he's in Northampton. "Leave 'em up at shop before game, they'll be right as rain by time game's over. Magic, just magic," said Adams at this morning’s press conference.

Fegg Hayes Sharks v Kidsgrove Klux Klan

Sharks manager Keith Gobbler may recall star left half Kid Blood to the team as he attempts to flood the midfield in a 1-8-1 formation. The Klansmen have been hit by an outbreak of rickets at their training ground and may have to field a weakened team, though star left half Kid Steamer has just been released from prison after serving a 40 year sentence for a triple homicide and will again be available for selection.

One-Armed Black Lesbian: Clarkson Is A Twat

A one-armed black lesbian from Stoke has told Jeremy Clarkson and The Daily Mail to stop blaming her for all of their perceived ills in society.

Speaking at a press conference at a stall outside of HMV in the Potteries Centre, once the site of a performance by 1990s Gladiator "Falcon", Mary Platterday pleaded with the right wing mouthpieces to leave her alone.

"I'm sick of hearing about how I'm to blame for everything that goes wrong in 'Broken Britain'," said the mortician. "My limb deficiency and sexual preferences have nothing to do with crime, poverty, economic downturn or benefit cheats."

"Clarkson can fuck right off," she added. "That nob-eyed, bald, racist, inbred-looking cock-waiter can go eat a bag full of dicks as far as I'm concerned. And The Daily Mail is a streaky turd of a publication read by racists, wife-beaters, angry pervs and nonces."

Stoke Company Unveils The Future

A local company has shown the world why Stoke is regarded locally a world-leading hub of innovation by unveiling the next generation of mobility scooters (pictured below).

The new design radically changes the chassis of the mobility scooter to something now resembling a smart car.

And what future developments does creator Mike Badger see for mobility scooters? "I see mobility scooters in the future seating more than one person, maybe even as many as five," he says. "And having bigger engines, maybe some storage space at the back, some gears and maybe even a stereo."

Nigerians Complain Of Stoke "Prince" Scam

People from across Nigeria have complained that they are receiving scam e-mails from someone claiming to be a prince from Stoke who needs their help to get money out of the city.

In exchange for help, the e-mailer promises cash rewards to the Nigerians. All they have to do is provide their bank details, which Nigerians claim will be used to rob them of money.

A Nigerian

"This is clearly a scam," says Nigerian ambassador to Stoke, Tijuana Okocha. "We have warned Nigerians not to give their bank details."

But the prince in question, Prince Steve of Fegg Hayes, is unrepentant. "This is a genuine offer," he says. "I need to get my money out of Stoke before the uprising comes. I can't believe no-one over there will help me."

Ball, Ball, Ball, Footy, Footy, Footy.

Manchester United 4-2 Stoke City
If ManYoo hadn't scored four goals, or even three or two, or no more than four, then Stoke would have won this game. But they didn't and they didn't. Peter Crouch drew admiring glances from all the women present and was the real winner of the game.

Port Vale 4-1 Wycombe
Southern perverts Wycombe were smacked like bitches by a rampant Scamps team who've now romped seven points clear in second place in the Endsleigh League fourth division. Pope Tom scored two more goals despite chants from Wycombe fans that he's "just a thin Robbie Coltrane".

Fegg Hayes Cosmos P-P Kidsgrove Thetans
This game was postponed when Kidsgove's team bus got lost and ended up in Newbury, Berkshire. The two managers tried to play the game over the phone but couldn't agree on whether Cosmos striker Ivan "The Terrible" Balaban would have scored a second half penalty or not. "He would blaze it over the bar, he's a bottler," argued Thetans manager Phil Collins. "No way, it would go in off the post then the goalie's bald pate," retorted Cosmos manger Keith Gobbler. The score was 1-1 at the time. A Touch Nightclub League panel will adjudge the final result using dice at a later date. The dice never lie.

"Butcher of Bentilee" Aims For The Top

In an exclusive interview with Stoke City fanzine The Oatcake, the serial killer known as "The Butcher of Bentilee" has said he is aiming to be Stoke's number one mass murderer.

"The Stoke Strangler may be getting the headlines right now but I feel like I am technically better," the Butcher said. "It's gonna take lots of hard work on my part but I think I've got the chops to make it big."

Actual serial killer not pictured

Whereas the Stoke Strangler likes to remain mysterious, the Butcher connects with his fans and potential victims via his Twitter feed @BentileeButcher. "In today's world, it's important to have a forum where you can connect with your fans," says the Butcher. "I have lots of banter on there and if someone sends me abuse I'll jokingly tweet that I'm gonna get them next!" he laughs.

As a lifelong Stoke City fan, the Butcher is also hoping to set a new national record. "I'd like to kill a fan of every Premier League team in the same season," he explains. "I've already done four teams this season and we've got ManYoo today, which is the big one as far as I'm concerned. That said, I'll never tire of killing Scamps [Port Vale] fans, they're my bread and butter."

New Bus Station Complex Could "Bring Stoke Into The 20th Century"

City councillor Jinky Watkins has been showing members of the public around Stoke's new bus station and retail park, 'Stoke Sentral', in Hanley and had said it will drag Stoke into the modern age.

"This development will show those shit-munchers in Derby once-and-for-all who's best," said councillor Watkins. "We're way better than those yokels and this will prove it."

The new development has been the subject of some controversy over the spelling of 'Sentral'. "It's spelt 'central'," says local PE teacher Pete Gonk. "Everyone will think that Stokies can't spell for shit when they see this."

Stokies "Dazed And Confused"

It has been reported that lots of people in Stoke have been seen wandering the streets aimlessly this weekend due to the lack of local football action.

"I really don't know what to do," wrote Stoke City fan Lil Gummer on Friday on MumsNet. "I've never realised just how boring weekends are without football. I'm just gonna go out and get wankered, what else is there?"

"Wake me up when the football's back."

With no games this weekend for Stoke City and Fegg Hayes Hurricanes because of international call ups, and Port Vale not playing until Monday night, there has been little to keep Stokies entertained.

"I've been binge drinking and fighting," says Fegg Hayes Hurricanes season ticket holder Kop Wensdale. "Life is meaningless without the Hurricanes."

City Council To Move Headquarters To Bahamas

Stoke City Council has unveiled plans to relocate many of its operations to the Bahamas to try and meet cost-cutting measures introduced by the Government.

"If it's good enough for the rich bastards who fund the Tories to live out there, it's good enough for us," says councillor Phil Gant. "And this way we won't have to pay any tax and we can top up our tans at the same time. Win-win."

Stoke City Council's planned new offices

The move has been welcomed by some city council workers. "I hear that the standard of office equipment out there is excellent, which is why I'm looking forward to the move," says receptionist Kylie Rimmer.

"I won't be going," says council youth consultant Phyllis Killer, 79. "The Bahamas has nothing that Stoke doesn't have and I for one will be staying here until the bitter end."

EYE ON STOKE Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

EYE ON STOKE (and the rest of the EU) has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 2012.

Chief Executive Monty Deschanel is overjoyed with the award. "EYE ON STOKE's work in trying to reunite the warring gangs of North and South Longton has been a clear influence on the judging panel, though I would have liked to have won the Nobel Prize for Journalism as well. Or at least have gotten a nomination."

EYE ON STOKE joins such illustrious names as Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Adolf Hitler in winning the prize. A star-studded awards ceremony hosted by Jimmy Carr and Amy Childs will take place in Oslo in December.

"I'd like to thank everyone who voted for us to win this award," added Mr Deschanel. "And I'd like to add that I hope those Toblerone-munching neutral Swiss bastards are kicking themselves right about now because they could have been a part of this award too. Suckers."