Sunday, 17 December 2017

Staffordshire Moorlands Special

We have had a lot of requests from readers in the Staffordshire Moorlands asking for news for the region as the news sources there are "gobshittingly fuckwitted" and "an offence to anyone with more than one brain cell". So, due to popular demand...

SMUC Call Strike

The Staffordshire Moorlands Union of Corn Worshippers (SMUC) have called a general strike for 22 December following a vote by members.

"The reasons for this strike are many and numerous and plenty and nothing to do with getting an extra day Christmas shopping for our members," SMUC general secretary Andy Caravan said in a statement.

Farmers Charity Night

The annual Leek Farmers' Charity Night was a rousing success, raising £81 for bald children. The Wanking For Charity event, held at The Big Barn, saw a massive turnout of local farmers and their sister wives.

The main raffle prize, a scarecrow with the face of a Frenchman, was won by Durlit Cockspike.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Reader Shout-outs

Can I get a shout-out to my daughter Prosecco Grindey, 6, who has been learning to read exclusively on EYE ON STOKE - Gill Ellis, Chell 

Good learning Prosecco!

I am a burglar from Middleport (don't print that part), can I get a hello and can you tell Staffordshire Police to stop arresting me for crimes I have definitely not done - Timmy Necker, Middleport

Sure thing Timmy!

Long time reader, first time e-mailer. I didn't vote three times for Brexit at three different polling stations to see us cave in to the EU's demands like this fuck the commies - Barry Nobbs

We think this should have gone to our Brexit inbox Barry, please re-send.

I get urges to stab people with my magic knife, a big up might stop me thanks - Super Stabby Mike, Norton

A big up coming your way Super Stabby Mike!

Sunday, 3 December 2017

South Staffordshire Is Full Of Scrubs, Says Professor

"I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is someone who don't get no love from me," said Professor Dave Monkeys last night during his keynote address at the 2017 Stoke Science Conference at the Burslem Hilton. "That is why I avoid South Staffordshire."

During his speech, Professor Monkeys showed evidence he had collected showing that over 80% of people originating from the southern half of the county can be defined ac "scrubs".

"I used a big, complex formula that is all in my head to find a way of quantifying 'scrubness', with a line beyond which one can be classified definitively as a 'scrub'. Over 80% of Sou'staffordishirians go beyond this line, compared to only 20% of us northerners," Professor Monkeys explained.

Monkeys will be forwarding his evidence, in the form of a PowerPoint presentation, to the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm.

Thursday, 30 November 2017

Fit American Actress To Marry Sloppy Ginger Brit

Fans of good-looking American actresses are in uproar after it was announced American hottie Meghan Markle is engaged to retired British ginger Harry Windsor.

"This is an outrage," lads mag fan Kenny Tankard said. "Fit birds like this shouldn't be noshing off gingers, it's nonsense, not natural. I blame Ed Sheeran."

"Totty like this should be getting with cokehead actors who need money, pushing them into risque film roles and magazine photo shoots they wouldn't otherwise do," Stokie Gummer Matthews said in a YouTube comment section, gaining 43 more thumbs up than thumbs down.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

Stoke Demands Post-Brexit Hard Border

Reports have emerged that Stoke's ruling Council of Elders are going to demand a hard border between the city and the rest of Britain once the country exits the EU in 2019.

"I am not at liberty to disclose the thoughts of our glorious leaders," city council press secretary Barry Lemons said at his weekly press conference. "But it's clear that the will of the Stoke people is to take back control of our borders and stop cockneys and scousers from getting in."

How the proposed wall around Stoke will look

The hard border would involve building a giant wall around Stoke. "What's better is that we will make the UK pay for it, lol," Lemons added.

"The UK needs Stoke more than Stoke needs the UK," Timmy Yip SMP, member of the Stoke parliament for Chell, said. "That much is FACT. Leaving the UK again is our ultimate goal. We give £351 million a week to the UK, money we can spend on festivals and mobility scooters. A hard border is the first step in that direction, that's why we should push for it."

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Sunday Service - Politics Special

With Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Cobridge

There's been a lot of allegations about MPs abusing their power to get handsy with people. The only hand I ever use to touch people with is the hand of God and they are always grateful.

With the lack of trust in our MPs, it's now time we were governed by God and his disciples. I am prepared to form a government with other religious leaders (only ones from the correct religion though) and finally bring Britain into a new golden age where MPs are chosen by the shepherd (i.e. God) and not the sheep (i.e. the British people).

Gordon Brown says America misled Britain over the Iraq war. God has never misled me, nor anyone. Even the time he told me to take the church's delivery of red wine to my house, he was testing me and I knew the truth.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Average Stoke Life Expectancy Rises Again

More good news for Stokies today as Stoke City Council announced that Stokies are living longer than ever!

"The average life expectancy for people in Stoke is now over 50 for the first time ever," councillor Jinky Watkins said. "If ever there was a time to binge on food, booze, fags and drugs, it is now."

The average Stokie can now expect to live to 50 years and 2 months of age, a one year increase on this time a year ago.

"This is largely down to the fact that the quality of drugs in the city has increased," local GP Dr Flip Mackenzie commented. "Better quality smack equals fewer deaths."

Monday, 30 October 2017

Nerd Punched For Not Shutting Up About How Good Super Mario Odyssey Is

Local gamer Derek Scragg found himself with reduced health earlier today when a work colleague punched him in the face!

Derek had spent the weekend playing the latest Nintendo Switch game 'Super Mario Odyssey' and decided to spend most of his day telling workmates how good it is.

"Aye, he wouldn't shut up about it," said the puncher, Terrence Pegg. "Just banging on about it all fucking day, did my head in. So yeah, I slopped his nut."

"I missed my chance at countering," Derek said. "I saw the warning symbol above his head but didn't press circle in time, as they say. It's a great game though, you really need to play it."

Monday, 16 October 2017

Stoke Turns Yellow As Storm Ophelia Gets Mad For It

Stoke got a yellowy glow for the first time in years today as Storm Ophelia blew sands from north Africa, making the sun appear red in the sky.

"This is the yellowest Stoke has been since the urine factory in Newstead exploded, sending a mist of stale piss across the city," environmental expert Humbert Leech said. "Good times."

Slowing drivers on the M6 caused massive pile-ups leading to thousands of deaths. Fortunately, most of this happened next to a morgue and cemetery for ease of collection.

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Student Of History

By Steve Hyde, libtard and proud.

I'm about to start my 15th different degree course at Staffordshire University this month, thirteen more than the next best student in the uni's history. This year, I will be studying history. I know how lucky we are in this country to have such an advanced education system as I have travelled extensively to many of the poorer parts of the world and have seen first hand how stupid many people in those countries are. I'm ashamed to say that I exploited their stupidity on many occasions for my own benefit, getting them to do humiliating things for very little money and filming it for easy views in monetised videos on my YouTube channel. I could remove those videos but prefer to leave them up as a reminder of my past failings, and I give 10% of the ad revenue to charity.

To my fellow students, I say: keep learning, comrades! Together, we can take down the Man!