Jumpers For Goalposts

Stoke City 0-0 Sunderland

This was obviously the best game in the Premier League this weekend, as proven by the fact that it was the last (or headline) game on 'Match of the Day' last night. Gary Lineker was literally too gobsmacked to offer any opinions on the encounter. Stoke player Marc Wilson broke his leg during the game, but the Stoke players have promised to draw penises on the cast every single day until it's removed, to help keep his spirits up.

Northampton 2-0 Port Vale

The Scamps fell to a shock defeat to Midlands rivals Northampton ("The Cobblers"), who Scamps fans tried to involve in the ongoing Jimmy Savile scandal by holding up signs saying: "Cobblers, What Did You Do To Help?" Manager Micky Adams was so upset after the game he fell into a funk and refused to dance at the after-match disco, even when 'Love Shack' was played by Vale's resident DJ, Big Dave.

Fegg Hayes Sharks 1-1 Kidsgrove Klux Klan (LATEST)

As neither team was happy with a draw, both managers agreed to play "next goal wins". 24 hours later, the game is still ongoing. Alejandro Pegg gave the Klansmen the lead after 6 seconds, only for Jane Grundies to equalise for the Sharks 8 seconds later. As the floodlights failed at half time, fans were encouraged to smoke cigars and cigarettes in the stands to shine light onto the pitch. Attendance: 76,532.