You Couldn't Make It Up

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's leading thinker.

I'm sick of these shaven-headed, loose-trousered, teenage scrotes I see hanging around on our street corners on a daily basis, smoking "blunts" and drinking "voddy" and red bull like it's going out of fashion. It's about time we brought back National Service for these bog-eyed, slack-jawed, free-loading, fuck-brained wastrels who are collecting ASBOs and shitting out kids like it's going out of fashion. Let's get some discipline into these ugly, dick-handed, sparrow-arsed bastards by smacking them about for a year or two under the tutelage of "our brave boys" in the army. That'll wipe the smug, shit-munching grin off those spotty, gash-mouthed, twat-nosed fucktards.

I see that some droopy-titted, lightswitch-nippled, cock-eyed, hippie left-wing council or other in Yorkshire has told a couple of foster parents they can't look after anymore nippers because they're members of UKIP. You couldn't make it up. And if you did, everyone would think you're a right bender. This is what you get when you vote the loony left into power, like I didn't know that already. People in Stoke beware: this could happen here if you keep voting in that lot of commie bastards currently pissing onto our heads from their red ivory towers while laughing like cocks.

*Dick's latest sex manual, 'Sorting Out Your Woman, Good And Proper', is available now for Amazon Kindle, published by Dick Mellor Corp.