Sunday 17 December 2017

Staffordshire Moorlands Special

We have had a lot of requests from readers in the Staffordshire Moorlands asking for news for the region as the news sources there are "gobshittingly fuckwitted" and "an offence to anyone with more than one brain cell". So, due to popular demand...

SMUC Call Strike

The Staffordshire Moorlands Union of Corn Worshippers (SMUC) have called a general strike for 22 December following a vote by members.

"The reasons for this strike are many and numerous and plenty and nothing to do with getting an extra day Christmas shopping for our members," SMUC general secretary Andy Caravan said in a statement.

Farmers Charity Night

The annual Leek Farmers' Charity Night was a rousing success, raising £81 for bald children. The Wanking For Charity event, held at The Big Barn, saw a massive turnout of local farmers and their sister wives.

The main raffle prize, a scarecrow with the face of a Frenchman, was won by Durlit Cockspike.

Sunday 10 December 2017

Reader Shout-outs

Can I get a shout-out to my daughter Prosecco Grindey, 6, who has been learning to read exclusively on EYE ON STOKE - Gill Ellis, Chell 

Good learning Prosecco!

I am a burglar from Middleport (don't print that part), can I get a hello and can you tell Staffordshire Police to stop arresting me for crimes I have definitely not done - Timmy Necker, Middleport

Sure thing Timmy!

Long time reader, first time e-mailer. I didn't vote three times for Brexit at three different polling stations to see us cave in to the EU's demands like this fuck the commies - Barry Nobbs

We think this should have gone to our Brexit inbox Barry, please re-send.

I get urges to stab people with my magic knife, a big up might stop me thanks - Super Stabby Mike, Norton

A big up coming your way Super Stabby Mike!

Sunday 3 December 2017

South Staffordshire Is Full Of Scrubs, Says Professor

"I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is someone who don't get no love from me," said Professor Dave Monkeys last night during his keynote address at the 2017 Stoke Science Conference at the Burslem Hilton. "That is why I avoid South Staffordshire."

During his speech, Professor Monkeys showed evidence he had collected showing that over 80% of people originating from the southern half of the county can be defined ac "scrubs".

"I used a big, complex formula that is all in my head to find a way of quantifying 'scrubness', with a line beyond which one can be classified definitively as a 'scrub'. Over 80% of Sou'staffordishirians go beyond this line, compared to only 20% of us northerners," Professor Monkeys explained.

Monkeys will be forwarding his evidence, in the form of a PowerPoint presentation, to the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm.