2016 Review: November

After Stoke's ruling Council of Elders announced it would be imposing sanctions against North Korea, supreme Korean leader Kim Jong-un threatened retaliation in the form of nuclear attacks.

Because of this, Stoke resumed its own nuclear weapons programme, carrying out tests in the desert areas to the south of the city. Unfortunately, a missile went astray and hit the nearby town of Stone, destroying the Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service headquarters, and irradiating the rest of the town. A concrete sarcophagus was quickly erected over Stone, trapping in the radiation and any survivors. This meant that no lives were lost in Stoke.

2016 Review: October

Barry's Comet, a near-parabolic comet that only passes Earth every 1,500 years or so, veered off its normal trajectory and crashed into Endon, destroying the town and most of its puny residents.

Rather than trying to help, Stoke City Council set up a hard border at Stockton Brook to stop survivors from flooding into Stoke. "When Endon chose to be a part of the Staffordshire Moorlands rather than Stoke-on-Trent, it chose to do without our help," city councillor Klam Rainbows explained. "And let's be honest, that comet is foreign and could have monsters or anything on it."

2016 Review: September

Disaster struck on the River Trent when a ship carrying a load of AIDS-infested monkeys crashed into Stoke College, releasing the primates and sending them onto a murderous rampage around the Cauldon campus.

After disposing of most of the students, the monkeys stopped for a wank break, at which time a SWAT team from Hanley police station swooped in to kill them with assault rifles, also taking out any remaining students, "just in case".

2016 Review: August

To combat the city centre "cabbagey" smell, Stoke City Council placed a giant 'Sweet Strawberry' Yankee candle in Hanley. The plan started successfully enough until strong winds got up one Saturday night, spreading the fire to nearby buildings, including several pubs and bars, where the alcohol and drugs accelerated the fire. Within hours, the flames engulfed Hanley, killing thousands. The intoxicating fumes of strawberry, beer and cocaine drew many other locals into the fire, eventually burning most of the city centre and its residents to a crisp. The fire was eventually extinguished by gypsies.

2016 Review: July

As Hurricane Barry swept through Stoke, flattening most houses and people in the western half of the city, the surviving residents of the city were touched by the story of Bobby Kittens, who was pulled out from rubble alive ten days after the disaster.

Convicted paedophile and child sex trafficker Bobby, 63, had survived by eating the flesh of children also trapped in the cellar of his house when the building collapsed on top of them. 'The miracle of Peep Street', as the incident became known, inspired documentaries and novels and earned Bobby the freedom of the city, giving him immunity from prosecution for any future crimes he may commit.

2016 Review: June

An aerial display by B-2 bombers ended in disaster when radio messages from an 8 year old boy on a CB radio led to the planes dropping their payloads over Milton and Norton, levelling the towns to the ground.

The boy, Timmy Tupper, who lives at 23b Flip Street in Middleport with his mum Janet, dad Barry, step-dad Terry and step-mum Leeanne, was playing on his CB radio and accidentally tuned into RAF Trentham's local frequency. After ordering the planes to loop the loop he screamed "Bombs away!" leading to the deaths of over 20,00 people.

Despite asking for clemency at his trial, Judge Ted Barcroft ordered the death penalty for Timmy, leading to protests from locals who wanted a stronger sentence. A charity single 'Let Little Timmy Burn' raced to the top of the charts.

2016 Review: May

A giant oil tanker travelling north on the River Trent collided with a booze cruiser, spilling 250 million gallons of oil into the river, causing massive ecological damage to the city, killing literally thousands of birds and fish, and ruining the river's beaches. Faced with a choice between trying to contain the spill or burning off the oil, Stoke City Council chose the latter, starting a fire that still burns to this day, polluting Stoke's air, but whose light has also led to a reduction in street lighting costs for much of the city.

2016 Review: April

25-year-old call centre worker Nigel "Panda" Wilkins was arrested by police in Shelton after he was discovered to have been kidnapping elderly locals and keeping them in his cellar, making them act out scenes from classic sitcoms for his amusement. His scheme was foiled when burglars broke into his house and discovered the pensioners. The crims were hailed as heroes and Staffordshire Police allowed them to keep anything in the house they could fit into their hands and one swag bag as a reward. Wilkins escaped from custody when police officers forgot to lock his cell at night after playtime and is still on the run.

2016 Review: March

All hell broke loose in Hanley when a tiger with an assault rifle taped to its back called Terry was accidentally released by carnies passing through the city. Twenty confirmed kills later and the tiger was eventually cornered while eating sausage rolls at Greggs (the one by the Stanley Matthews statue, not the one near the Ryman stationery store). Terry had the assault rifle taken from it and was adopted by an elderly couple in Milton.

An impromptu party broke out in the middle of the M6 motorway after a lorry carrying disco balls tipped onto its side, spilling its cargo. Revellers partied until dawn, fuelled by anger against the current Tory government, and drugs passed around by a passing kind spirit.

2016 Review: February

Valentine's Day in Stoke normally means one thing: riots! By angry young men! But this year, the riots never happened, as Stoke was hit by a series of tidal waves that quite literally washed the scum from the streets, and left the city under 30 feet of water. In the aftermath, Stoke reverted to a sea-based pirate culture where only the strongest and most vicious survived.

Elsewhere, a human shit in an adult playground in Fegg Hayes was discovered with the face of Jesus in it. A religious community was formed around the shit, leading to a shanty town being built at the site to house the Christians and their icon. A holy war broke out between the Christians and local heathens, costing the lives of thousands, which only ended when someone accidentally stepped on the shit.

2016 Review: January

2016 got off to an explosive start when a series of bombs were exploded by terrorist group ISIS during Stoke's new year celebrations. Tens of thousands died during the blasts. Fortunately, Jonathan Wilkes was not one of them; his panto co-stars formed a workable human shield protecting him from the blast.

The subsequent ground assault from ISIS troops swept through the city, until a joint team of paintballers and the Crackley Republican Army kept them at bay, buying troops at RAF Trentham time to load mini nukes into a giant metal robot called Tin Can Terry, which proceeded to blow itself up at the battle site taking out the ISIS group and most of Longton.

New Port Vale Shirt Is A White Fruit Of The Loom T-Shirt

Port Vale unveiled their new kit for the forthcoming season today to a wave of outrage when it was discovered that it is just a white Fruit of the Loom t-shirt that normally retails for around £3.

The £50 shirt, that comes with a club badge you have to sew on yourself, was shown at a press conference at Vale Park to fans and journalists, and described as a "back to basics" approach.

"This shirt shows the purity of the Vale," club managing director Tony Bates-Hulse announced. "We are the only clean and honest team in this majestic city, not at all like that dirty lot up the road with their unnatural stripes and naked headbutt fights in showers."

Vale also announced that stand alone versions of the recently unleashed new club badge will retail for £99 just in case anyone had any fruity ideas about just sewing one onto another t-shirt and ripping off the club.

"This is a flipping outrage," fan Kiki Fuchs said. "I didn't vote for Brexit to get ripped off like this by my own type. This is the kind of thing you expect from that lot of scroungers from Eastern Europe, not from fellow white Brits."

Bates-Hulse added that it was too late to change now as the club had already taken delivery of two million of the shirts and it was too difficult to return them all.

Big Science News

A new scientific study has shown that people who use the crying with laughter emoji are the least funny.

"I'm pretty shocked to be fair," scientist Clam Jeffries, based at Staffordshire University said. "My girlfriend uses them at the end of every text and Facebook post and she's a right bubbly character."

The study analysed millions of social media posts by users throughout Stoke over the past three years using an algorithm that determines how funny something actually is.

"What we found was that the crying with laughter emoji seemed to be a trick to try and make people think that something is funny when it really isn't," Clam added. "It's used almost exclusively by women. I'm saying no more."

Stokestarter

A Stoke City fan has set up a kickstarter fund to raise money to create transfer rumours linking Shaun Wright-Phillips with a move to the Pottermusses.

"This is the first transfer window for 6 years where SWP hasn't been linked to Stoke," Terry Wendy writes on the page. "Help me rectify this by giving me enough money to be able to quit my job as a solicitor so that I can focus my time entirely on creating rumours of him joining Stoke this summer."

The fund has so far raised £95,000 of the £125,000 target goal, with 7 more days to go. Stretch goals at £150,000 include a rap song about the diminutive winger and a mock up poster of him tying up Marko Arnautovic's topknot to all backers.

Wright-Phillips currently plays for New York Red Bulls in the USA of A, where he averages a goal every 19 games.

Vale Announce New Club Badge

Local Endsleigh League team Port Vale FC have unveiled a new club badge ahead of the forthcoming football season.

Featuring symbols representing the club and its hometown of Burslem, the crest was designed by noted local artist Colin Muntford, best known for his statues of giant pigeons that adorn the streets and rooftops of Tunstall.

"This is the commission of a lifetime," Muntford told cheering Vale fans from the centre circle of Vale Park ahead of a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid. "I've got Vale in my blood, heart and gametes! Up the Scamps!"

The new badge will feature on the new Vale strip to be announced soon, as well as all official merchandise and letterheads.

Crouchy Hopeful Of England Recall

With the appointment of Sam "Big Sam Allardyce" Allardyce as the new England manager, insiders say that Stoke City legend Peter Crouch is hopeful of a recall to the national side.

"Big Sam likes to play aerial football," local football writer Dave Stevens explained. "As Crouchy is the proverbial head-on-a-stick, he would be perfectly suited to the style of play."

"Crouchy was outstanding last season," a member of Crouch's dance crew told EYE ON STOKE. "The stats of 2 goals in 18 games don't tell the whole story. He brought glamour to the Stoke dressing room, busted some new dance moves and inspired a generation, things few other players can boast."

Crouch last played for England in 2010, the year Leslie Nielsen died.

Last Chance To Steal From BHS

Stokies have been warned that with the city's branch of BHS to close soon, there won't be many more chances to shoplift from the store.

"I first stole from BHS in the 1930s," Stoke centenarian Frank Jobs remembers. "I had no interest in stealing from anywhere else, it's like a tradition round here."

Such is the widespread nature of stealing from the store, stealing something or getting it for free in the city has become known as "paying the BHS price".

"Maybe everyone just stealing stuff from BHS instead of paying for it is why they're going out of business," retail expert Rebecca Gingle said. "Just putting the idea out there."

Brexit Fuels 'Stexit' Hopes

Britain's recent vote in favour of leaving the European Union, better known as Brexit, has fuelled hopes in the city that the long held dream of Stoke becoming a completely independent republic could become a reality.

Stoke City Council has so far batted away questions on the subject, while spokesmen for the Council of Elders, Stoke's supreme ruling body, has refused to take questions of any kind since last Christmas.

Stoke previously fought a war of independence in 1974, when it declared itself the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent, no longer a part of England or the UK. Stoke lost.

"The only reason I voted for Brexit so that Stexit might follow," Stokie Doris Ahmed said. "I care no more for them pig-fuckers in London than I do for those snail-munching rear view mirror cowardly fucktards in France, I want rid of all of them."

"I voted for Brexit cuz I hate foreigners," EYE ON STOKE reader Cub Gunns e-mailed.

Jonathan Wilkes's views on Stexit are also unknown at this time.