Stoke City 1-0 QPR
No-one 'round here likes cockneys, so beating one of that lot makes any victory all the sweeter. Like all cockneys, QPR showed themselves to be feckless, workshy losers and will have to return home down to that London with their tails between their legs, and have to go back to paying at least £2.50 for a can of Coke. Fools. Former QPR player Peter Crouch showed respect to his old team by not scoring against them. Classy.
Southend 0-0 Port Vale
After reading an article on MumsNet saying that good things happen when you least expect them, Scamps manager Micky Adams played a defensive 10-0-0 formation to put this theory to the test by not attacking the opposition. Southend manager Paul Sturrock had read the same article leading to a stalemate with both teams hesitant to enter the opposition half.
Fegg Hayes Ltd 6-0 Kidsgrove Corp
Fegg Hayes boss Keith Gobbler, 78, picked himself at left half for this match to show his young team, nicknamed the "Gobbler Babes", how it should be done, and scored seven goals, all of them back-heels, one from the half way line which was ruled out after the match for being "too outrageous". Kidsgrove manager Lord Washington resigned after the game to spend more time with his mistress, at the expense of spending more time with this family.
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