Stoke's Man Of The Year

Stoke City Council has listed its nominees for the coveted "Man of the Year" award. They are:

*Adrian Lewis

*Jonathan Wilkes

*Peter Crouch

*The Packmoor Ripper

E-mail your vote to the city council now at: Enquiries@stoke.gov.uk. You should enter "Man of the Year" in your e-mail subject line.

The event will be hosted by Jonathan Wilkes himself as he has promised a video appearance by Robbie Williams and not to give the award to himself if it is undeserved.

There will be no woman of the year award.

Crouchy To Get Bravery Award

Stoke City Council has announced that it will award Peter Crouch Stoke's highest award for bravery, the Victoria Ground Cross.

The award is announced after it was revealed that Crouchy lost two teeth (and may later lose a third) during the Carling Premiership match against Newcastle Tigers on Wednesday night.

"Our thoughts go out to Crouchy at this difficult time after his tragic loss," said councillor Jinky Watkins. "Our hopes and prayers are with him and his lovely missus."

You Couldn't Make It Up

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's leading thinker.

I'm sick of these shaven-headed, loose-trousered, teenage scrotes I see hanging around on our street corners on a daily basis, smoking "blunts" and drinking "voddy" and red bull like it's going out of fashion. It's about time we brought back National Service for these bog-eyed, slack-jawed, free-loading, fuck-brained wastrels who are collecting ASBOs and shitting out kids like it's going out of fashion. Let's get some discipline into these ugly, dick-handed, sparrow-arsed bastards by smacking them about for a year or two under the tutelage of "our brave boys" in the army. That'll wipe the smug, shit-munching grin off those spotty, gash-mouthed, twat-nosed fucktards.

I see that some droopy-titted, lightswitch-nippled, cock-eyed, hippie left-wing council or other in Yorkshire has told a couple of foster parents they can't look after anymore nippers because they're members of UKIP. You couldn't make it up. And if you did, everyone would think you're a right bender. This is what you get when you vote the loony left into power, like I didn't know that already. People in Stoke beware: this could happen here if you keep voting in that lot of commie bastards currently pissing onto our heads from their red ivory towers while laughing like cocks.

*Dick's latest sex manual, 'Sorting Out Your Woman, Good And Proper', is available now for Amazon Kindle, published by Dick Mellor Corp.

Entertainment Picks Of The Week

TV

Die Hard (Channel 4+1, Friday, 11pm)

The touching tale of a young black man's first day of work as a chauffeur. Also starring Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman. Rating: 4/5

Music

Pink Floyd: "Dark Side Of The Moon" (out now)

Available for just £8.99 in HMV in Hanley, this classic album is notable for being an unofficial soundtrack to film 'The Wiz'. Rating: 4/5

Radio

Wayne Biggins's 'White Album' Dissection (Signal Gold, Thursday, 8am)

In place of the usual breakfast show, Wayne Biggins instead dissects the classic Beatles album commonly known as "The White Album". Rating: 4/5

Stoke Man Gives Up Alcohol

It has been reported that a Stoke man has given up alcohol.

The unconfirmed story has sent shock waves throughout the city and has lead to panic buying of the Stoke's remaining alcohol supplies, now that there is in theory more to go around.

More news to follow.

Your Problems, Sorted Out.

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Terry, I'm currently seeing three different women at the same time and I don't know what to do - Dante Block, Trentham

This doesn't sound like a problem at all, in fact, it sounds like the opposite of a problem. Stop showing off.

My husband wants to take me to a swingers club and watch me have sex with loads of different men, but I don't want to do it - Sharon Conk, Hanley

Don't be afraid, this is a perfectly natural evolution within the union of marriage, it happens to us all at some point. If you love your husband, you will do it.

I'm scared that I might kill again, the voices keep telling me to do it, but I want to stop - The Penkhull Poisoner

It's always important to listen to what the little man inside tells you to do, and that's not me saying that, that is the reason Robin van Persie gave for joining Man Utd, and I think it holds true in life in general.

Crouchy Doppelganger Arrested

A man has been arrested in Stoke for impersonating Peter Crouch.

The man, Digger Barnes, from Bentilee, was eventually discovered enjoying a free stay at a massage parlour when a Crouch fan also present pointed out that the doppelganger was only 5 feet 8 inches tall while the real Crouch is an impressive 6 feet 7 inches.

It is believed that Barnes had enjoyed free drinks, hotel stays, restaurant visits and women while pretending to be Crouch, and recently performed the opening ceremony at a butcher's shop in Hanford.

Crouch is said to be impressed with the man's "gumption".

Page 3

Today's Page 3 girl is Sharon Treacle, 22, from Fegg Hayes.

Sharon is hopeful that the recent Middle East peace settlement can hold. "I hope and pray that Israel and the other lot can come together and find a peaceful solution to the current crisis," she says. "War there would destabilise the whole region."

To Me, To Stoke

Comedy pioneers The Chuckle Brothers have announced that they will be coming to Stoke's Regent Theatre on 13 April 2013. Details can be found here:

http://www.atgtickets.com/shows/the-chuckle-brothers/regent-theatre/

Here's hoping the Chuckles don't get caught up in the Jimmy Savile sex scandal and are able to perform their show.

Let's Bomb The Lot Of Them

By Dick Mellor, seeker of THE TRUTH.

I see that that lot of wrong-religioned nutters in the Middle East are at it again. Well, I for one think we should bomb the whole lot of them and be done with it. I'll happily press the button. They're both as bad as each other as far as I'm concerned. It's barren land anyway, I don't know why they're so bothered about it. If I learned one thing from the Bible, and I didn't, I learned everything, it's that you should build your house upon a rock, find a good foundation on a solid spot. Don't build your house upon sandy land, it's a waste of time.

I see also that more desperate fame-whores have been shipped off to a jungle in a former (and present?) prison colony for the amusement of onlookers. Normally, this would be a good thing, but not when it invades my TV screen in the form of 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' on ITV1. This lot of perverts should be left out there to rot as far as I'm concerned, or better still, let's drop a bomb on them. I'll happily press the button.

*Dick's latest pamphlet, 'Commies: How To Spot Them And How To Run Them Out Of Town Like Common Pigmies', published by Dick Mellor Publishing Corp., is available soon.

Business Experts Give Free Advice

Business leaders from across the world have come together to advise companies on best practise for organising office parties, events or extravaganzas.

The best course of action, according to the absolute best experts in the world, is for offices to set up a "party planning committee", made up of a committee head and two or three lesser members.

A party planning committee in action

"This is solid gold advice," said one world-class expert. "Only an idiot would not take this on board. A proper fupping idiot."

"Most events in the workplace are currently organised by mongs," added a well-known business genius. "Having a proper committee helps to fight such egomaniacal lunatics and their boring ideas."

Man Volunteers For Charity

Terry Seagull from Baddeley Green has decided to help out BBC charity Children in Need this year by donating £5 every time a woman has sex with him.

"I plan on asking a lot of women," says Terry, dressed in a purple silk peep-hole onesie when I met him. "If they refuse then they are literally killing nippers in Africa. Literally."

Terry Seagull

Terry hopes to raise hundreds of pounds for the charity, which is close to his heart.

"I was a child myself once, so I know how difficult it can be," he says. "But now I'm all man so those bitches better beware. I'm a skilled lover. But I'm not doing this for myself, I'm doing it for the kids."

350th Anniversary Of The Great Fire Of Longton

Today marks the 350th anniversary of the Great Fire of Longton, Britain's first and arguably still best great fire. As is tradition, Longton's mayor, Ted Bacon, will dress as a flame and run through the city streets.

The fire swept through Longton over five days in 1662. It is believed to have been started by faulty wiring in a pie shop on Baths Road. The fire then spread rapidly across Longton, destroying most of the citadel in the process, around 90% of all buildings in total, including 100% of all of Longton's Turkish baths and opium dens.

Fortunately, the fire did not spread to Longton Castle (home of King Kevin II) or the neighbouring ruling district of Goms Mill, then home to Longton's parliament building, "The Dagger".

False rumours spread around Longton's inhabitants (ironically, like wild fire) that snooty foreigners from nearby Trentham had been seen lighting fires with their cigars and top hats. This lead to many Longtonians forming angry mobs and attacking Trentham and its inhabitants in revenge.

In total, seven deaths were recorded. The figure is thought to be so low because so many people from the city were fighting in Trentham at the time, saving their lives from the fire. The Great Fire is also believed to have eradicated a recent plague of Chlamydia that had broken out in the city.

Serial Killer News

Word on the street is that the Packmoor Ripper is in talks with ITV 2 about appearing in his own fly-on-the-wall documentary series, provisionally scheduled to appear after any programmes featuring Keith Lemon.

The Stoke Strangler has set his sights on former England fast bowler Gladstone Small. "I see him as the ultimate challenge for any strangler," says the murderer. "If he ever comes to Stoke, I will get him."

The Stallington Slasher had a poor night last Tuesday. Three murder attempts were all unsuccessful, leading only to hospital visits for the intended victims. "He'll be disappointed with that performance," says local pundit Kevin Lather. "He needs to stop trying to be a fancy dan and to get stuck in."

The Ridgeway Rapist has said she wants to qualify for Europe. "I'd love to get into Europe," she says. "It would be a dream come true to test myself against the tougher standards of the international game."

Your Problems Answered

Uncle Terry, here to help

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I’m obsessed with Robert Kilroy-Silk, and watch videos of his shows every morning in his old timeslot so that I can pretend that he’s still on the telly - Sharon, Tunstall

Nothing wrong with a bit of fluff in the morning, just as long as your husband is getting some candy as and when he needs it.

My husband makes me dress in men's clothing for sex, is this normal? - Jane, Trentham

Yes, this is perfectly acceptable in most cultures, including yours.

I’m not going to say how it got there, but there is a dead body in my wanking shed. I want rid of it, what should I do? - Pete Doherty, Burslem

I would recommend not moving house any time soon, that's for sure. I would also recommend popping along to the Citizens Advice Bureau in Hanley, on Cheapside, this is exactly the kind of problem they deal with on a regular basis and excel at solving.

Stoke On The Telly

It's a good time for Stoke on TV right now.

BBC 4 is currently showing a documentary series filmed in Stoke called 'The Year the Town Hall Shrank', you can see the BBC's page here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01nvwr8/The_Year_the_Town_Hall_Shrank_All_In_This_Together/

The third and final episode is on BBC 4 tonight at 9pm and available afterwards via the link above.

If you're a sport fan, you can follow Stoke's finest at the Grand Slam of Darts across the Sky Sports channels, or go the website here for more info:

http://www1.skysports.com/darts/

Local legends Ted Hankey and Adrian Lewis are out but 27 times world champion Phil Taylor is still going strong in the tournament.

That is all.

BBC Europe

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Angriest Man

I see that the BBC (which should stand for "Big load of fupping Bollocks Corporation", but doesn't) is in the shit again after falsely accusing a Tory peer of being a kiddyfupper. What a surprise, our Guardian-reading friends at the Beeb forgot to check their facts before shitting it out of their arses and into our eyes and ears as "the news". The only surprise here is that those leftie liberal, bleeding heart, commie, perverts are still going and haven't been handed over to Rupert Murdoch or Richard Desmond to run properly as a commercial enterprise. Eastenders can fupp right off.

I see also that half of Europe is on strike protesting against austerity measures. What a surprise, our Continental friends have found an excuse not to bother doing any work. For a change. That whole lot of those feckless, lazy, foreign bastards should be sacked and replaced by people willing to the work, even if they have to bring in a shit ton of people in from Poland to do it. Unions are nothing more than a bunch of perverts trying to stop Governments from doing their jobs and should be broken up. Thatcher had the right idea, that sexy bitch.

*Dick's latest novel, 'Ganarek and the Sword of Destiny', is available tomorrow from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

You're Getting Sacked In The Morning

Stoke City 1-0 QPR

No-one 'round here likes cockneys, so beating one of that lot makes any victory all the sweeter. Like all cockneys, QPR showed themselves to be feckless, workshy losers and will have to return home down to that London with their tails between their legs, and have to go back to paying at least £2.50 for a can of Coke. Fools. Former QPR player Peter Crouch showed respect to his old team by not scoring against them. Classy.

Southend 0-0 Port Vale

After reading an article on MumsNet saying that good things happen when you least expect them, Scamps manager Micky Adams played a defensive 10-0-0 formation to put this theory to the test by not attacking the opposition. Southend manager Paul Sturrock had read the same article leading to a stalemate with both teams hesitant to enter the opposition half.

Fegg Hayes Ltd 6-0 Kidsgrove Corp

Fegg Hayes boss Keith Gobbler, 78, picked himself at left half for this match to show his young team, nicknamed the "Gobbler Babes", how it should be done, and scored seven goals, all of them back-heels, one from the half way line which was ruled out after the match for being "too outrageous". Kidsgrove manager Lord Washington resigned after the game to spend more time with his mistress, at the expense of spending more time with this family.

Give Phillip Schofield A Knighthood

Dick Mellor,
prisoner of the truth

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Number One Columnist.

I see that the soppy, lily-bollocked liberal media has got its silk knickers in a twist (and probably jizzed in them a little as well) in its condemnation of Phillip Schofield after he did what all right-minded people in his position would have done and handed over a list of probable paedos he found on a random internet page to Prime Minister Dave Cameron live on TV show 'This Morning'!

It's absofuckinlutley ruddyculous (a cross between ruddy and ridiculous) that he is being criticised for this act of bravery, standing up to the paedo menace that is terrorising the land on a daily basis. It's typical of the pro-paedo liberal media in this once Great but now Broken Britain that Schofield is being portrayed as the villain here rather than the kiddy-fiddling nonces who are able to go about their daily molestations without anybody being able to stop them, thanks to those big bag of floppy soft dicks in Brussels who spend their days worrying about pointless shenanigans like bendy bananas, human rights and what expenses they can fleece from the system and none of their time worrying about real issues like the noncification of Europe. 

Back in my day, it was perfectly acceptable to beat up someone you suspected of being a nonce, so what if the wrong person got lynched occasionally it was all done for the greater good and the victims accepted it was just part and parcel of being a weirdo back then: you would get beaten up occasionally if people thought you looked like the type who might have a go on a nipper. We've gone soft in this country and it's time we all got hard again.

I see also that Obama (or "Obummer" as I call him) has been elected American President again by our obese cousins across the Atlantic Ocean, or British Ocean, as it should be called. "What a breath of fresh air," you're probably thinking. WRONG! Obummer is literally in the pocket of happy clappy, leftie, tree-hugging, crack-smoking celebrities and the gay mafia and got where he is today by sucking corporate teat, where as rival Mitt Romney, who should have won the race to the White House (not racist), already a part of the corporate machine that enables our society to run smoothly, is someone who normally gets his teats sucked by stammering, bog-eyed wannabes like Obummer. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather have a teat-suckee as president rather than a teat-sucker.

*Dick's latest essay, 'Hating The Player AND The Game', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

Dick Mellor

EYE ON STOKE would like to introduce you to its controversial new columnist: Dick Mellor!

Dick is one of Stoke most outspoken self-published authors, and is a vehement campaigner against liberalism, the arts and the paranormal.

"I will tell it like it is," Dick says about his weekly column. "I won't be taking any prisoners, what you see is what you get with me. I will be putting the world to rights whether you like it or not."

Dick's first column will appear tomorrow, look out for it!

Packmoor Ripper To Release Autobiography

One of Stoke's most famous serial killers, the Packmoor Ripper, has announced that he has signed a book deal and will soon release an autobiography, just in time for Christmas.

Speaking on Signal Gold’s British Bulldog Brunch Show to host Terry "Mad Dog" Murdoch, the Ripper confirmed that he had signed the deal after getting advice from God. "I called out to Him and He said unto me, 'Everyone has an opinion about you, it's time you told your side of the story, exclusively to Random House Publishing.' And I agree, so here it is."

The book, titled 'A Ripping Good Yarn: My Story', will be available during November in hardback for £14.99 before being published in paperback (RRP £7.99) at the start of December.

The book will detail the Ripper's rise to fame, relationships, views on political correctness and the EU and how his religious faith helps him deal with the pressure of being a public figure.

Unfortunately for fans, the Ripper will be unable to make any public appearances to accompany the book’s release. "While my identitiy is still secret and the rozzers are after me, my agent has warned me it's unwise to make any public appearances or I’ll probably get arrested and stuck in the pokey," he explains. "That said, I may kill a couple of prozzies or something to help build up the publicity."