Friday 24 February 2012

Relief As Man Gets Brutally Murdered

There was relief all over Stoke today as something newsworthy finally happened in the city; a man has been found dead in Hanley with 89 stab wounds and 23 bullet wounds to his lifeless body. Pending identification, the dead man has been named by police as "Jason Orange".

His body was found by a local rag-and-bone man called Mike Rutherford who was stealing copper pipes from the side of the dead man's house when he caught sight of the body through an open window. After filming the scene on his smart phone and posting the footage online, he phoned local newspapers and the emergency services.


Despite issuing a photofit of a man wanted for questioning (see above), Staffordshire Police are not treating the death as suspicious, but spokesman Barry Shanks has so far refused to comment further on the issue. "I've got nothing to say on absolutely nothing," he said.

Local Tory peer Lord Hankey is pleased that the recent news-slump is over. "We're back in the game, boys," he told reporters at the crime scene.

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