Scamps To Go Broke?

It has been revealed that local pro league soccer team Port Vale, nicknamed "The Scamps", have asked Stoke's Council of Elders for more than £300,000 to help keep the club alive. The appeal was discussed by the elders last night during a barbecue held in their honour by local crime gangs.

It seems likely that the Scamps players will not be paid on time this month. This adds to rumours that there is also an outstanding tax bill and money owed to other companies such as shirt manufacturers, loan companies and local gentlemen's club Lapland UK for "services rendered at private parties".

Not everyone is unhappy with the news. Stoke City fan Paul Pegg is overjoyed: "I've wanted rid of the Scamps for years, they're a load of shit-eating fuckwads. Good riddance to bad rubbish."

There has been no word yet from any of Vale's celebrity fans, who include Robbie Williams, Jonathan Wilkes, Phil Taylor, Dave Munton and Dave Murray.

Topless Protesters Arrested At City Council Hog Roast

Three topless protesters were detained yesterday while trying to break into a hog roast held for Stoke City Council to call attention to the needs of the city's massage parlour workers. The men took off their tops and tried to climb a fence before being detained. "Crisis! Made in Stoke", read one message painted across a protester's torso, while others held banners that said "Criminalised, because of you" and "Gangsters party in Stoke".

Ken Badger, one of
the men arrested

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks said the three men were taken to the police station and told that they weren't allowed to leave until they confessed to whatever crimes they were charged with. He said they would be released later in the week. They weren't allowed clothing in their cell. "The boys down at the station had a good laugh at them. It's good for morale."

Escaped Stoke Paedophile Becomes Star In Indonesia

An escaped paedophile from Stoke who served 1 day of a 135 year sentence has become a celebrity in Indonesia after reaching the finals of a singing reality television show! Phil Globe – the so-called "Packmoor Paedo" – has become a hit on the show Asing Star – or Foreign Star – after drawing high praise for his rendition of the classic Indonesian romantic ballad, 'I Love Your Nose'.

Interviewed by the Jakarta Mail newspaper, he said: "The number of viewers is quite possibly bigger than the population of Stoke."  Mr Globe, 64, who now works in Indonesia as a school caretaker, said he was not prepared for the amount of attention he has received.

Phil Globe does regular webcam shows for fans

The programme, which features expatriates singing in Indonesian, is watched by about 19 million people. "I didn't expect this to happen," he added. "If I'd realised it would get this much attention, I would probably have been too embarrassed."

Asked whether he would leave the country if offered a record deal,   he said: "It would have to be a pretty good recording deal. And a country with no diplomatic relations with Stoke or the UK."

Cobridge To Vote On Quitting EU

Voters in Cobridge could become the first in the country to be polled on quitting the European Union. A national pressure group ['Fuck the EU'] has shortlisted the constituency as part of its plans to stage a series of referendums on Britain's membership of the EU.

If Cobridge is picked to host the first vote, the group will open a town centre shop as a campaign headquarters, employing upto 2 local people as part-time cleaners.

Ian McKenzie, Fuck the EU's communications director, said: "The last time Britain had a referendum on whether we should stay in the Common Market was in 1975, since when it has changed beyond recognition from an economic to a political union, doing little more than giving us straight bananas and letting rapists walk the streets. In the EU, a paedo has more rights than me."

A straight banana

Derek Hatefield, BNP councillor for Cobridge, said: "I think local people would be in favour of a referendum and I think they would vote to come out of the EU. People have just about had enough. We are sick of human rights and straight bananas."

Stoke independent councillor Mick Akira is opposed to the vote. "This could really fuck Stoke's attempts at independence right up the arse," he said. "Stoke needs the EU if it is ever going to gain independence from Britain, mainly for the grants they would give us. Quitting the EU is handing down a life sentence for us to be stuck as part of the UK forever."

Councillor Steps Down Over Expenses Scandal

Stoke Conservative councillor Steve Boggs is to step down from office after a Daily Outcake investigation revealed he had claimed expenses to get his second home in Longton crazy-paved.

Boggs says he will not run in forthcoming council elections following public outrage over the £23,000 work on his property, which he refuses to pay back. "It was a legitimate public expense," said Boggs. "I understand the public anger over people claiming for shit like moat-cleaning, but this work needed doing."

A moat

Boggs is not the first Stoke councillor who has had to step down over expenses claims. Bentilee BNP councillor Dave Rommel was forced to resign by council elders in 2009 after it was discovered he had claimed expenses for cocaine and strippers at a night out at Lapland UK in Hanley. 

Guten Tag, Ich Heiβe "Tony Pulis Germany"

If you walked around the German city of Mannheim today, you might be mistaken for thinking you'd just seen Stoke City manager Tony Pulis!

Tony Pulis

Of course, it's not the real Tony Pulis, but lookalike Gunther Kuntz. Gunther has been working as a Tony Pulis lookalike for the past three years after having been spotted on holiday in Marbella by local lookalike agency owner Dave Skegness.

"When I first saw him, I thought, 'Fuck me, if it isn't Tony fuckin' Pulis,'" said Dave. "I'm a Vale man myself, 'Go Scamps!', so I thought I'd go over and give it some. Anyway, after shouting abuse at him for about three minutes, I realised he was a German bloke and not Tony Pulis. So I gave hime some more abuse for being a Kraut. Anyway, long story short, we ended up having a beer, shouting abuse at some Spaniards together, and I signed him up for my agency."

Gunther Kuntz
a.k.a. "Tony Pulis Germany"

"I didn't know Tony Pulis," says Gunther. "But when the offers of work started rolling in, I couldn't believe my luck. Because of the international popularity of the Premier League, I've been all over the world as Tony Pulis to places in Asia, Africa and of course, Stoke itself."

"A lot of the work is kiddies parties," says agent Dave. "The kids love Pulis. But we also cater for corporate gigs and advertising. Gunther goes under the name Tony Pulis Germany if you want to book him."

Relief As Man Gets Brutally Murdered

There was relief all over Stoke today as something newsworthy finally happened in the city; a man has been found dead in Hanley with 89 stab wounds and 23 bullet wounds to his lifeless body. Pending identification, the dead man has been named by police as "Jason Orange".

His body was found by a local rag-and-bone man called Mike Rutherford who was stealing copper pipes from the side of the dead man's house when he caught sight of the body through an open window. After filming the scene on his smart phone and posting the footage online, he phoned local newspapers and the emergency services.

Despite issuing a photofit of a man wanted for questioning (see above), Staffordshire Police are not treating the death as suspicious, but spokesman Barry Shanks has so far refused to comment further on the issue. "I've got nothing to say on absolutely nothing," he said.

Local Tory peer Lord Hankey is pleased that the recent news-slump is over. "We're back in the game, boys," he told reporters at the crime scene.

Nothing Has Happened? Still?

Continuing a slump of unprecedented proportions, nothing has happened in Stoke for the third day running. This beats the previous record from the summer of 1967 when nothing happened in Stoke for two successive days. Here's a picture of an angry puppy dog.

That is all.

Still Nothing Happening, Local Newspaper Staff Given Afternoon Off

Locals are mystified as nothing continues to happen in Stoke. Lord Hankey of Bentilee says Stoke is usually a busy metropolis. "Stoke is known in Britain as the 'city that never sleeps', but apparently Stoke has decided to take a nap. Life here isn't usually this boring. Fact."

Instead of news, here's a picture of a puppy dog on a chair.

That is all.

Slow News Day

I don't quite know how to say this, but: nothing has happened in Stoke today. As there's no news to report, here's a picture of some puppy dogs instead.

Some puppy dogs

That is all.

Lottery Winner Vows To "Piss It All Away"

After winning over £1.4 million on the National Lottery at the weekend, Bentilee resident Phil Umney has vowed to spend, spend, spend! "Booze, coke, hookers, not necessarily in that order," said Mr Umney of his spending plans.

"I've always dreamed of pissing away a fortune," he said to reporters this morning at Ca$hino, a gaming venue at Festival Park. "I'm gonna blow it all then go back on the dole," he added.

Phil and ex-girlfriend Donna

Phil has already dumped his girlfriend of three years, Donna. "I'm as sick as a parrot," she said. "We had a five year plan, which involved bringing through some of our own youngsters eventually, but that won't happen now."

Phil is unrepentant. "She was a bit dumpy if I'm being honest. I can do way better now I've got cash. It's all about the benjamins."

Murdoch To Launch The Sun In Stoke?

Could foreign media villain mogul Rupert Murdoch be about to launch a new Stoke version of his popular tabloid newspaper The Sun?

Currently in England, somewhere down south, Murdoch is giving assurances to Sun staffers over the future of the beleagured newspaper, currently embroiled in a whole shitstorm of legal problems, and is making plans for a new newspaper.

Rupert Murdoch, yesterday

The Sun, notable for showing topless pictures of women, both famous and non-famous, is currently this Britain's biggest selling daily newspaper with a circulation of at least 1,000 every day.

Murdoch himself rose to prominence as a chopper pilot in the Vietnam War before being declared as insane, then becoming a soldier of fortune with his former commando unit, travelling around America helping the oppressed and downtrodden.

Comedy Night Cancelled At Port Vale

A comedy event has been cancelled at Port Vale after thieves stole the stage. But it's not all bad news for comedy fans as today's game against Gillingham will still go ahead as planned.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Comedy-club-Port-Vale-club-folds-thieves-steal/story-15265729-detail/story.html

Vale, nicknamed "The Scamps", have not yet given a comment on the theft, although to be fair, no-one has asked them for one.

BNP Withdraws Drug Testing Bill For Immigrants

A BNP member of Stoke City Council has withdrawn his bill to create a programme for drug testing immigrants after one of his Labour colleagues amended the measure to require drug testing for councillors. "There was an amendment offered today that required drug testing for councillors as well, and it led me to have to then withdraw the bill," explained Cobridge councillor Chayam Baker. "Nothing fishy, I just forgot to spellcheck it."

In the past year, BNP lawmakers have pursued immigrant drug testing in more than 20 Stoke wards and some bills have even targeted people who "look foreign".

BNP beauty pageant

Baker, for his part, said he's coming back with a new bill on Monday, councillor testing included. He said he has no problem submitting to a test himself. "Give me the cup this time next week and I will be happy to piss in it," he said. "Anyone who knows me will tell you I regularly piss in cups."

Stoke Pulls Out Of Race To Host 2020 Olympics

Stoke has pulled out of the race to host the 2020 Olympics after City Council elders said it would be "irresponsible".

City Council spokesman Ken Dagger said they could give no guarantee to finance putting on the event, which has an estimated cost of $12.5 billion. The decision, unanimously made by the council of elders, comes one day before the deadline for cities to submit bids.

Stoke's planned Olympic stadium in Fegg Hayes

"As you can  imagine, the city elders have spent a lot of time reflecting upon this very tough decision," Dagger told The Daily Oatcake. "We've already made a commitment to build skate plazas and BMX tracks for the city. That should be sufficient sporting facilities for Stoke to have."

According to The Daily Oatcake, Stoke pulling out of the race gives a big boost to rival cities Doha (Qatar), Madrid, Istanbul, Baku (Azerbaijan) and Derby.

@tedhankey

Now that I've joined Twitter, who is the first person I've decided to follow?

Anyone who lives in Stoke, or who likes darts, will tell you that Ted Hankey is a king amongst men. Two time BDO world champion, and a big hit with the ladies, Ted is the kind of man that men want to be, and women want to be with.

You can now get a lot closer to Ted by following him on Twitter, like I am. Follow him now at:

http://twitter.com/tedhankey

If you can't be bothered to go there, or your work computer has blocked Twitter, then here is a selection of Ted's tweets:

"Capello's gone. Didnt see that coming"

"All that she wants is another baby...."

"Merry Christmas kids. Sank a bhuna and a kingfisher"

"16 pints down pub. Wanks out the question...."

"pumping out a bit of tiesto with afternoon practice. tidy."

Ted currently has 7,875 followers. Let's bump that number up!

Monty Deschanel On Twitter!

If you need to get more Monty Deschanel in your life, you can now get me on Twitter!

You can get me @MontyDeschanel or click the link below:

http://twitter.com/montydeschanel

Follow me now!

Stoke Man On Mobility Scooter Falls To Death

A Stoke man has fallen to his death at the Potteries Shopping Centre.

Phil Jobbo, who used a mobility scooter because he suffered from 'hammer toe', fell down a lift shaft after crashing through closed lift doors.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hammer_toe

Eyewitnesses report that Mr Jobbo reacted angrily to missing the lift. So angry was he, that he decided to drive forward and bang into the lift doors, repeatedly, shouting a swear word often dubbed as 'melonfarmer' on TV.

Phil Jobbo, when he was alive

Unfortunately, on his fifth bang into the doors, he crashed through and fell down the lift shaft to his death. A funeral will be held when his body can be put back together.

My Big Fat Stoke Wedding

Britain's latest craze is the new Channel 4 TV show 'My Big Fat Stoke Wedding'! The show has attracted a huge fanbase for lifting the lid on the normally secretive world of weddings in the Stoke community.

The programme features the often bizarre Stoke weddings, which feature extravant dresses and behaviour some people view as strange.

The show has come under fire from critics as it shows children pole dancing, men grabbing women and people drinking themselves into a stupour.

A typical Stoke wedding

Some Stokies have also criticised the programme. "It doesn't take much to bolster crude stereotypes about Stoke," says local Tory peer Lord Hankey. "The accent on bollocks like frills and flouncing is a missed opportunity to show contemporary Stoke culture as it really is," he adds.

Channel 4 has defended the programme. "The series is an observational documentary and is a fair and accurate reflection of what the programme makers experienced during filming in Stoke," a spokesman for the broadcasters said. "The programme clearly states that Stokies are complex, with many different customs, and the programme makers have taken great pains to ensure that Stokies are represented fairly. All the themes featured are backed up by first person accounts from within Stoke."

Whitney Houston Lookalike Found Dead

Sharon Claus, a lookalike of American singer and actress Whitney Houston, has been found dead in Stoke.

Her friend, and former enemy, Kaz Forester, confirmed her death this morning. While the cause of death remains unclear, Staffordshire Police said she was found dead in her hotel room at the Burslem Hilton.

The Burslem Hilton hotel

Police spokesman Barry Shanks told reporters Claus was pronounced dead at 3pm in her room on the sixth floor of the Burslem Hilton Hotel. "What are the chances?" he said. "The real Whitney Houston dies, then a lookalike dies right after. I mean, it must be a million-to-one shot, at least. In many ways this is a much bigger story than Whitney Houston dying. God rest her soul."

The lookalike was in Burslem for the Stoke film festival ["Stoke Your Fires"], currently underway. She died hours before she was expected to perform at local film critic David Murray's rebel Stoke Your Fires party on Sunday, held to highlight his unhappiness at being barred from the festival itself.

Stoke's Grit Teams Work Hard To Fight Big Freeze

More than 1,000 grammes of salt has been scattered on Stoke's main routes to help keep traffic moving. But pavements and some side roads remained untreated yesterday as cars slid into each other and pedestrians took painful tumbles on treacherous surfaces, much to the amusement of onlookers.

Earlier plans to pour hot water onto the ice have been abandoned after it was discovered that the water would later freeze again and make matters worse.

Conditions meant one gritting lorry became stuck in the McDonald's Drive-Through at Festival Park, and help was needed by nearby boy racers to free it. And the driver of another truck, off work on sick leave, told his bosses that in 16 years of doing the job he had never seen conditions like it and was glad he was not at work during the bad weather.

Firefighters had to cut free an injured woman from her mobility scooter which had skidded on black ice and hit a row of prostitutes in Cobridge.

Cob Crooks, head of leisure pusuits and board games at the city council, defended leaving some pavements untreated despite hundreds turning up at A&E after suffering falls. "I had crews out from 10am until 11am yesterday. We had two drivers on call during that time, both of whom offered to give up their lunch break during that hour, in exchange for double pay."

In Hanley East, Ray Muncher, BNP councillor for dry cleaning services, said: "Roads that council elders and councillors live on were given priority to be salted regularly. Any salt left over may be used on roads near to busy pubs or schools. The gritting crews have done us proud. City council elders were able to attend a hog roast last night without problems."

The conditions have led to renewed calls for the city council to take more action. Housewife Kaz Jinky, a 18-year-old mother-of-four from Tunstall, watched as a man dived out of his van as it slid out of control. "The white van had lost control and was coming down sideways and the driver jumped out of the door and fell into dog poo. It was funny, but I've still made several telephone calls to the council anyways to pour more hot water on the pavements and roads, but they haven't done anything about it."

Timmy Cockburn, who runs Cockburn Crazy Paving, decided to give the council a helping hand by standing on a street corner and shouting at people. "The roads were treacherous and we saw quite a few people falling over. It was so funny I almost shat myself."

Road Pile-Up Kills 23, Old Woman Blamed

A road pile-up in Longton has claimed 23 lives today, a new Stoke record. The pile-up happened after an old woman veered across Mosley Road on her mobility scooter setting off a chain reaction of crashes involving 12 tractors, 7 cars, 3 white vans and 8 other mobility scooters.

The old woman responsible refused a breathalyser test and punched bystanders before trying to escape on a nearby hovercraft. She has since blamed immigrants for the crash.

Messi "Couldn't Pull In Stoke On A Saturday Night"

Local ladies man Dave Murray has claimed that Argentine footballer Lionel Messi couldn't hack it as a lothario in Stoke!

"Yeah, he's got the fame and the money," Murray tweeted. "That may work for women in Spain, but I don't think he could handle the more physical nature of women in Stoke."

Ladies night in Stoke

Some have rubbished Murray's claim. "Messi is so rich and famous that he could pull women anywhere," says local business leader and sexpert Dave Munton. "The girls who work at my titty bar, Lapland UK, in Hanley, would be all over him like a rash. Fame and wealth work anywhere on women of low self-esteem, as I can testify to."

Lionel Messi

Murray disagrees with Munton. "Women from Stoke are bigger, faster and rougher than what he's used to in Spain," he says. "It's a completely different discipline pulling women here than in Barcelona. Fancy footwork counts for nothing. Stoke women don't like 'fancy Dans'."

Micky Adams To Be Next England Manager?

Football fans in Stoke have called for Port Vale boss Micky Adams to be installed as the new England manager following the resignation of Fabio Capello. Adams, 50, has yet to rule himself out of the running for the job.

A YouGov poll conducted for Stoke City Council revealed that 42% of people in the city want Adams as the next boss, with Harry Redknapp well behind in second with 25% of the vote. Fabio Capello came third with 17%. Local newspaper The Daily Oatcake added to the calls by running the front page headline "Stoke Wants Micky Adams" this morning.

Micky Adams: England's next manager?

Noted medium Crystal O'Future has contacted Sir Stanley Matthews, who has given his backing to Adams. "Sir Stan said to me: 'He's English, he knows his association football and he is doing a great job with  the Vale.'"

Bookmakers have not yet listed Adams in the running for the job, perhaps suggesting he is nailed on for the role.

Port Vale fans are divided on losing Adams to England. Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board tweeted: "Gutted Capello has quit, good guy and top coach. Got to be English to replace him, Micky Adams for me." Dave Munton wants to keep Adams at Vale Park. He said on Twitter: "Fck off FA you southern bstrds, Adams to stay a valiant 4eva #adams4vale."

Stoke Film Festival

Stoke's film festival, aka: 'Stoke Your Fires', gets underway tomorrow. You can find out more information here:

http://www.stokeyourfires.co.uk/news/

Due to a "disagreement" with the organisers of the festival, I will not be attending this year, despite having a major film ('The Steve Identity') in the pipeline. You can read about 'The Steve Identity' here:

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/2011/11/steve-identity.html

A colleague of mine, local film critic David Murray (not to be confused with Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board), has also been barred from the festival due to inappropriate comments he made during the two armed sieges in Stoke earlier in the year. Read more about that here:

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/2012/01/second-siege-in-stoke.html

That said, the festival promises something for everyone. As well as homegrown fare such as the last two 'Harry Potter' films, the festival will show foreign films such as 'Captain America', and fans of subtitled films will be able to enjoy 'Gnomeo and Juliet', being shown here with subtitles.

Idiot Of The Day

Number 1: Shaun Wilson

Take a good look at the idiot below; he is a burglar caught by DNA he left at the scene of a crime.

Combing your hair forward isn't fooling anyone

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Burglar-convicted-DNA-traces-left-half-eaten/story-15166814-detail/story.html

More specifically, he was caught by DNA traces he left on a half-eaten coconut cake at the cafe he had broken into. I should point out to any international readers that not all crims in the Stoke area are this stupid. Most are, but not all.

Stoke Are World Champions!

Stoke England have won the 2012 World Cup of Darts! Stokies Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis beat Australia in Hamburg to lift the cup.

L-R: Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/darts/16841012

Local darts fan and racist Tom Freud was overjoyed with the result. "It's not the first time we've gone over to Germany and won when it matters, is it," he laughs. "And beating the filthy Aussies in the final makes it even sweeter."

Temperatures To Fall Further In Stoke?

Stoke's highways officials have insisted they were well prepared for heavy snowfall which has brought the city to a standstill over the last few days.

Thousands of motorists were trapped for up to sixteen hours on routes including the A50 through Stoke on Saturday, with many motorists deciding to abandon their cars and make alternative plans to get to the pub.

John Thrash, spokesman for the Highways Agency in Stoke, which is responsible for roads in the city, said: "The Highways Agency was, in theory, perfectly well prepared for the snowfall this weekend, and is, in theory, perfectly prepared for any possible catastrophe you could imagine, including alien invasions and giant mutant turtles, both of the ninja and non-ninja varieties. The fact that the roads were not gritted and street lights not turned on was neither here nor there. Highways Agency staff worked extremely hard during their normal office hours of 9-5 to get traffic moving again as quickly as possible, although some staff had to leave work early beacuse of the bad conditions. Extra hot dog stands and independent recovery services were on scene to help some stranded vehicles and gave out free face masks of Phil Taylor to keep spirits up."

A Phil Taylor face mask

Problems on the A50 were exacerbated when a lorry, carrying a load of cotton wool, jackknifed on the westbound side of the carriageway at about 6pm. An 8km stretch of the road had to be closed for nearly 18 hours while Police tried to round-up the cotton wool, which was hard as it was difficult to distinguish it from the snow.

Stoke City Council has confirmed its gritters were out on four different roads between noon on Saturday and midday on Sunday. Councillor Daz "Chick" Benks, cabinet member for weather, said: "We've used around 0.35 tonnes of salt so far leaving us with around 3,150 tonnes. People forget that this has to last us all year, including the summer months."

Staffordshire PCSOs Handed New Powers

Staffordshire Police Community Support Officers (PCSOs) have been handed new powers in a shake-up of current rules.

PCSOs will now be able to keep any drugs or alcohol they seize  from suspects and can now handcuff people at will. However, PCSOs will not be able to beat suspects unless a Police officer is present.

"This is a great step forward for community policing," said Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks at a celebratory luncheon at Greggs in Hanley (the one near the public toilets, not the one near to Millets). "And will hopefully lead to a lot more arrests of crims and ne'er-do-wells."

Greggs the bakers

Not everyone is happy with the news. Police officers union spokesman Kenny Pegg said this is just another example of policing on the cheap. "This is just another example of policing on the cheap," he said. "We are seeing the number of real officers being reduced and these clowns in stab vests being given more powers, like their heads aren't big enough already."

But PCSOs union spokesman Kenny Pegg (Police and PCSOs have the same union) welcomed the move. "Some people call PCSOs 'clowns in stab vests', but this underestimates the fine work they do in the community. They are not big-headed, just caring and sharing, like your mum or something. But your mum carrying a big stick."

Would Spain Stop Stoke From Joining EU?

Stokies have long dreamed of independence, a dream that was briefly fulfilled in 1974 when Stoke became an independent republic. But does Stoke’s case for independence rely on Stoke joining the European Union?

"If an independent Stoke was a member of the EU, then we would be part of the single market and free movement of labour across the border could continue, if Stokies wanted to look for jobs, that is," says Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board. "More importantly, we would be eligible for massive EU handouts."

However, it is far from certain that Stoke would be able to join the EU. The Spanish are currently blocking Kosovo’s accession to the EU. Why? Because the Spanish, who don’t even recognise Norway as a state, let alone Kosovo, fear the implications of a region becoming independent and then joining the EU. They worry that it would encourage Basque separatism.

A Spaniard hard at work

"We have considered the possibility of declaring war on Spain," says Stoke councillor Nick Gifford. "Over the summer, there are literally thousands of Stokies in Spain at any given time on holiday. If they were to attack during siesta time, we could conquer Spain almost unopposed."

Footballer Stripped Of Captaincy

Local Sunday League footballer Phil Burgess has been stripped of the captaincy of pub team Bulls Head Wanderers after claims that he has not racially abused any opposition players. The allegation came to light after a heated match against local rivals Queens Head Rovers, when opposition player Derek Bangura said that Burgess had been the only Wanderers player who hadn't said anything racist to him.

"Phil is still available for selection," said Wanderers manager Steve Kemp, speaking at the Bulls Head bar while pulling a moonie at some women. "But he will not be captain again until I have investigated the matter."

Pub footballer

"I'm disappointed in Phil," said team-mate Mike Reid. "It's made me rethink how I see him, it's like he doesn't even like pub league football with this kind of behaviour. For all I know, he doesn't even beat his wife. It'd be better if he just quit now."

"Why bother playing at all if you're going to be like that?" asked fellow team-mate Paul Boggs. "It's like I don't even know who he is anymore."

Councillor Resigns Over Criminal Charge

Stoke councillor Dave Dennis has resigned from his position as Nightlife Secretary after city prosecuters announced he would face charges over claims he dodged an ASBO.

Councillor Dennis will be charged with perverting the course of justice, as will his former wife Sharon, mother to two of his eight children. They will appear at Fenton Magistrates Court on 14 February.

The charges relate to an incident that took place in Hanley in August 2003. It is alleged that Mr Dennis asked his wife to accept an ASBO on his behalf.

The alleged offence is said to have taken place on 16 August 2003. After leaving a friend's birthday party at gentlemen's club Lapland UK, owned by local business magnate Dave Munton, it is claimed that the councillor got into a dispute with a tramp in the club's car park, a dispute that lead to fisticuffs. The tramp took a pasting and has no memory of the fight. Mrs Dennis told Staffordshire Police she had beaten the tramp and was given an ASBO.

After their separation, Mrs Dennis claimed in a radio interview on Big Steve's Crazy Breakfast Explosion on Signal Radio that her husband had beaten the tramp "to a bloody pulp" but asked her to "take one for the team". She said she had always wanted an ASBO for the street cred and did what her husband asked.

Dave Munton: "I run a clean titty bar"

Dave Munton voiced his anger after the original incident. "I run a clean titty bar and incidents like this tarnish its reputation. You may as well just come and rub some shit in my face. Go on, do it. Do it now," he told The Daily Oatcake in 2003.

Stoke City Council elders are said to be pleased with Dennis's resignation.

Welcome To Stoke-on-Trent

Located in the centre of England, between Birmingham and Manchester, Stoke shines brightly as a beacon to all around it. Today, it is known and respected worldwide and regarded as one of the most important cities in the county of Staffordshire. But did you know that Stoke was only created as a town in 1910?

Stoke's location in England

The area we now know as Stoke-on-Trent used to be a collection of warring villages and towns, of which Burslem (originally called Boslem) was the largest and roughest.

Calls for them to be amalgamated into one conurbation began as early as 1817 when local warlords heard rumours of invasion by people from local county rivals Derbyshire.

Administrative rationalisation didn’t begin though until 1857 when Hanley council won Shelton in a cards game; Shelton was merged into the borough of Hanley. In 1865 Longton conquered Long End to form an expanded borough of Longton. In 1874 the towns of Stoke, Penkhull and Boothen formed an alliance fearing an attack from Hanley or Longton and came together as the borough of Stoke-upon-Trent. Two other towns, Fenton and Tunstall, gained urban district status in the 1890s purely to spite each other. Fegg Hayes declared itself an independent republic in 1899.

In 1910 the rationalisation process was completed when the "seven towns" of Burslem, Hanley, Longton, Stoke, Fenton, Tunstall and Fegg Hayes were brought together to form the federated town of Stoke-on-Trent, the largest such amalgamation ever to occur in North Staffordshire.

King George V, multiple winner of 'beard of the year'

City status was granted in 1925 by King George V, known affectionately as "the boring king". Stoke’s application was originally refused by the Home Office, who believed the application to be a joke. King George found the application while looking in a bin for some stamps. He was so impressed with the stamps on Stoke’s application that he immediately granted it city status. 

Stoke has expanded greatly over the years since the original seven towns joined together, and now has over 30 constituent parts, although no-one’s sure exactly how many as the City Council elders won’t tell anyone.

Stoke tried to declare itself independent from the UK in 1974 as a micronation, its citizens loyal to City Council elders rather than parliament or the Queen. Currency and stamps for the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent were issued briefly to locals before Stoke was invaded by the Royal Navy and its assets seized by the Inland Revenue. Council elders were publicly made to swear allegiance to Queen Elizabeth II and not themselves, and Stoke once again became a part of England and the UK.

Stoke has tried to expand in recent decades by trying to annexe neighbouring Newcastle-under-Lyme to the west, so far without success. Stoke and Newcastle have fought over other local areas over the years, particularly the key commuter town Kidsgrove and the gargoyle-filled town of Wolstanton, fights Newcastle have won. But as people in Stoke like to say: "Newcastle may have won those battles, but the war goes on!"