"I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is someone who don't get no love from me," said Professor Dave Monkeys last night during his keynote address at the 2017 Stoke Science Conference at the Burslem Hilton. "That is why I avoid South Staffordshire."
During his speech, Professor Monkeys showed evidence he had collected showing that over 80% of people originating from the southern half of the county can be defined ac "scrubs".
"I used a big, complex formula that is all in my head to find a way of quantifying 'scrubness', with a line beyond which one can be classified definitively as a 'scrub'. Over 80% of Sou'staffordishirians go beyond this line, compared to only 20% of us northerners," Professor Monkeys explained.
Monkeys will be forwarding his evidence, in the form of a PowerPoint presentation, to the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm.
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