Matches Of The Day

Stoke City 2-0 Swansea

Pottermusses manager Tony Pulis was so happy with the team's display that he bought all the players a pint and some pork scratchings after the game. Peter Crouch scored both goals and vowed to score again later with his wife to make it into a hat-trick, something no-one would begrudge him.

Bradford 0-1 Port Vale

The Scamps stormed to the top of the league after inflicting a famous victory over Bradford that will be talked about for generations. Pope Tom was the hero and, immediatley after the game, increased the "buy it now" price on the DNA samples of himself that he sells on eBay.

Fegg Hayes Athletic 0-0 Kidsgrove Galaxy

Both teams agreed to abandon this game at half-time after it became obvious neither team would score. "We just couldn't be arsed any more," explains Athletic manager Keith Gobbler. "And I had a wedding to get to anyway." The draw keeps both teams joint middle of the table.

Diagnostoke Murder

Stoke City Council has unveiled its latest plan to save money: judges and doctors will be expected to solve any crimes they come across without bothering the police!

"It's clear from TV that anyone can solve crimes," explains city councillor Bent Warlord. "And judges and doctors are in positions where they will meet the victims of crimes or hear rumours about shit that has gone down. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect them to at least have a go before they get the rozzers involved."

Judge Terry Hatepunch is outraged at the news. "As judges, we all like to solve a crime or two in our spare time, to hand out our own brand of special justice to those who slipped through the system. But to expect us to do it full time is a mockery of a sham of an outrage. I find this plan 'guilty' of being rubbish."

The city council is adamant it will not change its policy. "Giving out loads of parking tickets takes up a lot of time," says councillor Warlord. "Therefore, our rozzers don't always have the time to solve murders and shit. These plans work in America and are here to stay in Stoke."

Ted Hankey, Wherefore Art Thou?

"Capello's gone. Didnt see that coming." These are the poignant last known words of Ted Hankey, given to the world on 08 February via his Twitter feed @tedhankey.

But little has been heard of "our Ted" since, and Stokies are worried.

"Come back Ted, we will always love you," appeals darts fangirl Doris Ahmed. "You can always 'count' on my support, ha! You see what I did there?"

"I'm a proud 'Ted-Head'," says supporter Dave Murray. "And I'm getting worried. He isn't normally away for long unless he's gone on a bender, and this would be the mother of all benders. Though, if anyone could do it, it'd be our Ted."

Ted joined the PDC darts organisation earlier this year from the rival BDO, a move seen by some darts fans as being equivalent to a member of "The Crips" joining "The Bloods".

Stokies Ready To Call MPs "Plebs"

People all over Stoke have begun to realise lifelong dreams by being able to shout abuse at public officials, knowing they can do so consequence free!

The move comes in the wake of "plebgate", where Tory cabinet minister Andrew Mitchell has been told he will face no enquiry after verbally abusing a Downing Street policeman.

"I've been waiting for this moment to come for years," says Hanley resident Ted Fisting, 67, who has never voted in any form of election, other than voting for fit birds on 'Strictly Come Dancing'. "I’m targeting local MPs to give 'em a taste of their own medicine, and also to give the dirty bastards a taste of my own medicine, which has a rather bitter taste."

"I feel like Christmas has come early," adds burglar Ted Hindenberg. "I'll be giving it some to the rozzers and the MPs, the dirty bastards."

"I think we should show the same level of respect to our elected officials that they show to us," says Ted Pob, a daredevil and parish councillor in Packmoor. "Which is none, so I'm all for it! If any of those wonky-eyed, left-titted, bald-bollocked donkey munchers we call our local MPs ever come to Packmoor, I will quite literally give them a fucking mouthful, the dirty bastards."

Footy

Chelski 1-0 Stoke City

Failed husband Ashley Cole gave cockney urchins Chelski and their bandwagon-jumping fans an undeserved win against the Pottermusses. White trash Chelski captain John Terry (http://www.joe.ie/football/football-features/rap-sheet-the-crimes-and-misdemeanours-of-john-terry-0017160-1) only came onto the pitch in the 88th minute but celebrated at the end like he won the match single-handed. Bollocks.

Port Vale 0-2 Gillingham

The Scamps lost their top-of-the-table clash against Gillingham, much to the annoyance of manager Micky Adams, who went into his office after the game and wouldn't come out again until all the players got him ice cream and told him they love him. Gills chairman Paul Scally once settled out of court a claim made by current Stoke manager Tony Pulis over unpaid bonuses and his wife has been convicted of cocaine possession.

Fegg Hayes Pirates 17-0 Kidsgrove New Guinea

The Pirates moved from bottom to top of the Crazy Frog League after a tough victory against The Pigmies, whose tactical decision to play with an extra striker and no goalkeeper backfired. Pirates manager Keith Gobbler put the win down to steroids.

Working On A Building Site Isn't Fun Anymore, Says Misogynist

A Stoke man has stunned the Western world by claiming that all the fun has gone out of working on building site, after a dressing down from bosses.

"All I did was ask the coffee lady if I could get a milkshake, while I was gawping at her titties," says Longton misogynist Kev Foghorn. "It was just a bit of fun, no harm done."

After a dressing down from his female boss, Kev vented his anger to anyone who would listen. "This is quite literally political correctness going literally mad when a man isn't literally allowed to have a cheeky gawp. It's that lot of Eurocrats in Brussels I blame."

"I'm gonna move to Spain," adds Kev. "Theres no PC over there with that lot of lazy siesta bastards, you can be as sexist or racist as you want, they love it."

Tony Blairs Appointed Middleport Peace Envoy

Former British President Tony Blairs has been appointed a peace envoy to the troubled area of Middleport, home to fighting between rival groups of drinkers.

The rival groups both claim some disputed pubs as their "local", and neither side will back down. Some drinkers have even set up beer gardens in areas normally home to rival drunks.

 

"Now that I have brought peace to the Middle East, its time I brought peace to Stoke," says Blairs. "This will be my toughest challenge and will get me the Sainthood I deserve."

The situation in Middleport is not helped by the fact that the market has been flooded with cheap booze as well as the threat of invasions by groups of boozers from neighbouring Longport and Burslem.

Man Called Smallie Bigs Gunned Down

In an hilarious twist of fate, a Stoke man called Smallie Bigs was gunned down this morning in a drive-by shooting in Longton, 15 years after the similar death of the oppositely named rapper Biggie Smalls!

"After the deaths of the two WPCs in Mancland, the lads at the station have been a bit down," says Staffordshire Police's Barry Shanks. "But an incident like this perks everyone right up, it's a total 'lmfao' murder!"

There is no suspect yet but PC Shanks admits the police do have a line of enquiry that they are investigating. "My theory is that Puff Daddy was behind the hit on Biggie Smalls. So for this murder, we will be looking for suspects called Duff Paddy or D. Piddy. We've checked the local phonebook, there's no Duff Paddys but there are 47 D. Piddys in the Stoke area. They can all expect a visit from Staffordshire's finest."

Badgers Plan Farmer Cull

Stoke's main badger union, the SBU [Stoke Badgers Union), has called for a cut to the number of farmers in the area and proposes a humane cull of the beasts to control their numbers.

Human rights protesters are unhappy with the planned cull. "There’s no evidence that farmers spread disease to other creatures," says farmers' spokesman Geoffrey Bungles. "Ruining land is what they do, it's their instinct, they can't help it."

"Farmers are a menace to us and our land," says spokesbadger Barry Badger. "They spread diseases and ruin the land with their funny ways. They spread shit everywhere and they're a menace to other creatures. Get rid of'em."

Soccer Outcomes

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester City

Wealthy and influential people from countries that abuse human rights hold no interest for Peter Crouch, so he scored to ensure that Man City's owners returned home with faces like smacked arses, and hopefully to realise the error of their ways and give the women there equal rights and stuff. Man City fans aren't bothered by people abusing human rights so long as they spend shit tons of money on their team.

Plymouth 1-3 Port Vale

The Scamps have now gone a club record four games without losing. Robbie Williams gave Plymouth the lead in this game, not realising that Scamps manager Micky Adams is at his best when he has to think about what he is doing, and as soon as he realised that Plymouth were rubbish, he told his players this and told them to go out and win, which they did, with hilarious consequences.

Real Fegg Hayes 7-7 Athletico Kidsgrove

The Royals came from 0-7 down in injury time to grab a draw against their local rivals from Kidsgrove to grab an undeserved draw in front of 75,142 fans. Manager Keith Gobbler missed the game after his mistress went into labour in the club's chapel before the game. He is hoping for a son called Rodney.