2012 Review: November

November saw the building of a giant wall around the city, known as "The Good Wall of Stoke".

The wall was ordered by the city's Council of Elders as a way to limit the influence of troublemaking outsiders, such as the French, hip hop artists and philosophers.

The wall along Stoke's north-east border

Stoke City Council's secret police did their bit for the city by rounding up undesirables, such as intellectuals and people who wear glasses.

Despite efforts by the resistance movement, lead by charismatic crazy-paver Jon Gash, Stokies fell into line with the new order and now lead happy lives.

2012 Review: October

Stoke was devastated by a MASSIVE earthquake in October, that ripped the city into two parts and killed over half of the city's population.

Packmoor, after the earthquake

Singer Jonathan Wilkes, who survived the earthquake by pushing less important people such as children and old people out of his way, commemorated the dead with a charity single, "Tremors of Love", that was a best seller among the city's devastated surviving population.

As a consequence of the earthquake, many Stokies, especially those from towns in the grim north, reverted to looting and violence as a way of coping with their grief.

2012 Review: September

With the change of season came a change of language in Stoke as French was chosen as the city's official new language when English was bought out by French energy company Dalkia.

The move to the new language and culture was a smooth one as most Stokies were already fluent in the latin tongue and enjoy croissants and cigarettes.

Elsewhere, the Russian state circus came to the city, coinciding with an increase in pick-pocketing, child-abduction and bear-maulings. These happenings are thought to be unrelated.

September also saw further kidnappings by pirates operating on Lake Burslem, when an elderly couple from nearby Leek were taken. The government of the Staffordshire Moorlands market town refused to negotiate with the pirates leading to the ruthless execution of the couple, broadcast live on the internet.

2012 Review: August

August is Stoke's holiday month, with children no longer having to skive off school everyday, and as a result, not much normally happens.

But in August 2012, Stoke saw a bombing attack on its underground system by Scottish separatist terrorists, an attack that killed over 10,000 people.

The attack came about as a response by terrorists to Stoke's Council of Elders's pledge to campaign against Scottish independence, after Scottish paramilitary groups had declined to help Stoke during its own war of independence.

Scottish terror leader Hamish McBurger was later killed during an American drone attack.

2012 Review: July

July saw the banning of cats in Stoke, after the city council said the furry creatures had reneged on their deal to control the city's rodent population in favour of getting fat and tom-foolery.

Fuck off.

Instead of cats, city council bigwigs have encouraged Stokies to get owls or snakes as pets, as they eat rats for fun and are less lazy than cats.

Elsewhere, a band of Orcs tried to enter the city via the south wall, but armed locals held them off with hammers.

2012 Review: June

Stoke was hit by a massive tsunami that swept up the River Trent in early June, leading to the deaths of over half of the city's population.

Global warming has been blamed for the incident, though not everyone agrees. "Global warming is the biggest load of shit ever," said EYE ON STOKE columnist, and parking attendant, Dick Mellor. "There's no evidence for it whatsoever. This was an act of God, punishing the deviant community of Stoke for their perverted ways. You know who I'm talking about."

The River Trent bursts it banks

Later in the month, Fred "Convict" Hallpass was released from prison after serving 76 years on death row at HMP Werrington for crimes he didn't commit. Staffordshire Police had beat a confession from him for multiple murders when he was just 7 years old.

"We still believe that 'Convict Fred' is guilty," said police spokesman Barry Shanks. "Getting confessions in this way is a tried-and-trusted method used by police forces all over the world, and for good reason: It works."

Upon release, Fred was re-arrested on suspicion of committing 73 unsolved murders that have taken place since he was originally imprisoned.

2012 Review: May

May started on a downer for Stokies when Etruria nuclear power station exploded, leading to the deaths of over half of Stoke's population. A powerful tribute graffiti mural has been painted at the site of Stoke's newest nuclear power station in Trent Vale to those who tragically lost their lives.

Meanwhile, local computer hacker Tez Littledyke won his high profile extradition case at Fenton Magistrates Court. The Scottish Assembly had wanted him extradited to the country after he hacked into their website and accessed information such as the secret ingredients for Irn Bru and Scotland's WMD capabilities.

2012 Review: April

Stoke joined the space race in April with the launch of SSS Oatcake, which exploded 10 seconds after lift off.

Fortunately for Stokies, the wreckage of the £23 billion space ship fell over nearby Kidsgrove, killing 453 people there, but leaving Stoke undamaged.

Meanwhile, Stoke's population tanned themselves and walked around the city topless in a tropical weather spell meant for Bermuda but which accidentally ended up over the city.

In Peter Crouch news, the gangly frontman released his debut rap album to rave reviews.

2012 Review: March

Disaster struck Stoke in March when Mount Terry erupted spewing lava across much of the northern and central towns of Stoke, eventually taking the lives of over half of the city's population. The fallen are remembered in a sculpture of the volcano in the car park at Sainsbury's in Stoke.

Survivors cheered themselves when badger baiting season opened with the murder of Stoke's oldest and biggest badger, "Large Ken". The badger's death, at the hands of men with broken WKD bottles, opened up a city-wide debate on the future of the sport, currently seeing bigger crowds than ever. Nigel "Nidge" Snotshot, manager of the city's biggest team, the Fegg Hayes Rascals, was called to a session of the Council of Elders to defend the sport.

2012 Review: February

Following rumours about Royalist involvement in the assassination of city elder Derek Wiggy in January, Stoke erupted into civil war in February.

Royalist forces from the south of Stoke, who wanted Stoke to remain part of the UK, took control of the city after a surprise assault on the north. However, Republican pockets of resistance continued to fight. Only Fegg Hayes remained officially not under control of the UK government and Royalist forces, and swore allegiance to Stoke's Council of Elders.

Fegg Hayes's stance inspired other towns in Stoke to stand up to Royalist invaders. Swamp guerrilla fighters in Sneyd Green took back the town, as did mountain warriors in Packmoor. After winning a series of battles, Republican forces marched into Hanley and placed their flag around the shoulders of the statue of Sir Stanley Matthews, just outside of Poundland.

With the northern forces being short of funds, Royalists stopped benefit payments and set up a blockade to stop urgent supplies getting to the north of the city. These blockades were easily breached by people from the Staffordshire Moorlands however who brought much needed cigarettes and alcohol for the resistance fighters.

Bolstered by the entire ranks of the British Army, Navy and RAF, the Royalists slowly asserted control back over the city, and after more than two weeks of war, during which over half of Stoke's population was killed, Royalist forces under the command of Michael Gove eventually captured Fegg Hayes and Stoke fell back under UK control.

2012 Review: January

2012 got off to an exciting and dramatic start in Stoke when the City Council elder for Fegg Hayes, Derek Wiggy, was assassinated by an angry loner who has yet to be identified.

Derek Wiggy's funeral procession in Fegg Hayes

Despite local man Gary Log being convicted of the crime based on eyewitness testimony from his ex-wife Tracy, the conviction was overturned when it transpired Mrs Log was in Tenerife at the time and couldn't have witnessed the crime, even with a complex series of mirrors that she claimed to have set up for just the possibility of something like that happening involving her ex-husband.

Elsewhere, Stoke's oldest man, Ken Barry, 61, married for the 7th time and claimed that the secret to his long life was a daily diet of oatcakes and cigarettes.

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

An EYE ON STOKE reader has reported that he spotted a Cockney on a bus in the city on Friday.

"I was surprised," said the man, who we shall call Jon Gash. "You don't normally see them this far north at this time of year."

Cockneys are easily spotted by their loud manner, bad dress sense and ugly faces.

"This one fit the profile completely," added Mr Gash. "Hearing that god-awful accent made me want to punch my own ears in."

Stokies have been warned to stay well away from any cockneys they may meet as they are thought to be especially aggressive in cold weather.

Would You Adam And Adam It?

By Dick Mellor, seeker of truth and justice.

I see that gay marriage is going to be allowed now. Dave Cameron may as well just get down on his knees, go gay and suck off the whole of the loony left right now because that lot won't be happy until we're all gay.

All this gay marriage guff makes me want to boke my brains out though my eye balls. If God had wanted us men to bugger each other, he would have given us blokes a fanny as well as an arse-hole, which is for shitting only in my opinion, and also in the opinion of our Lord. Unless you're a woman, in which case your arse is fair game.

I am literally banging my head against a brick wall over this, and not banging a man over a brick wall.

*Dick's latest book of photography, 'Stoke Nudes: 1976-1986', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

You're Just A Fat Spanish Waiter

West Brom 0-1 Stoke City

Stoke's win takes them above Arsenal in the league table, though Arsene Wenger is unaware of this as he has not seen it. Celebrity West Brom fan Frank Skinner drowned his sorrows after the game by going on a violent rampage around the West Midlands, though this may not actually be true.

Sheffield United 2-1 Port Vale

The Scamps crash out of the Milk Cup to manager Micky Adams's former team, who he got relegated on purpose so he could come back to Stoke, the home of football. After the match, Adams took the players round his mum's castle in the city for tea and scones.

Fegg Hayes Bastards 12-11 Kidsgrove Barnacles

The Bastards move from bottom to top of the league thanks to a first half quadruple hat-trick from star left half Kenny Loggins. Although the Barnacles scored eleven in the opening ten minutes of the second half, they were never in the game.