2013 Review: Part II

April

Stoke’s tallest building has had its alcohol licence revoked and was torn down. The 30,000 foot high building, known as "The Standing Up Oatcake", was constructed at a cost to the taxpayer of £3 billion and was intended to be Hanley's new job centre. Despite the building being destroyed, owners FadCo still plan to appeal the revocation of the alcohol licence.

May

Stokie Benny Evangelista was shocked to discover that his penis had been banned by the EU for being "too bendy". A complaint was registered by his ex-wife Jenny following their divorce and upheld after picture evidence was presented. Facing a choice between having the offending member cut off or leaving the EU, Mr Evangelista decided to move to Thailand where he became a pimp to local hookers. 

June

Local secretary Kerry Harrison became a laughing stock in the city after an epic misspelling in an e-mail to her boss, UKIP city councillor Terry Catnip."I don't know what all the fuzz is about," she wrote in reference to Matt Smith's announcement he will be leaving 'Doctor Who'. The e-mail went viral and ended in the suicide of the bubbly blonde. "Bullying is not big and not clever," said Cllr Catnip, who had accidentally forwarded the e-mail to the whole of the civil service in Britain having added "read what the fuckwit has put now".

2013 Review: Part I

January

Hurricane Terry laid waste to much of Stoke to ruin the New Year celebrations for the 47,000 revellers killed as the storm hit Stoke just past midnight as people were still singing 'Auld Lang Syne'. Rumours that Jonathan Wilkes had died during the celebrations lead to an outpouring of grief not seen in the city since Wayne Biggins announced his retirement from football.

February

Tory councillor Ken Carp took advantage of the fact that he was the only councillor who managed to get to City Hall during the massive snow storms that crippled much of the city in early February by passing a series of laws for his own benefit. These included a city-wide 5pm curfew for people under the age of 35, the abolition of cats, the introduction of hovercraft lanes (to replace cycle lanes) and the banning of books he didn't like. Books that were banned included the Little Miss series ("the Mr Men's retarded, boring sisters"), 'Bonjour Tristesse' by Francoise Sagan ("too French") and all Dan Brown books ("they're shit").

March

Stoke City Council announced plans to build an underwater tunnel direct from Stoke to Kavos. "Most people from Stoke now holiday to Kavos," explained Michelle Barold, city councillor for holidays. "With this tunnel, we can expect people from Kavos to come holiday in Stoke too." The tunnel will cost £30 billion to build and will be funded through city council cutbacks.

Dirty Crouch Confessions

A new Tumblr page is taking the internet by storm: Dirty Crouch Confessions!

The site features the naughtiest Peter Crouch fantasies sent in by readers for the pleasure of others.

Here is a selection:

"When Crouchy had his 'tache, I wanted to rub my dugs all over it"

"Peter Crouch fingering me by the bins round the back of my local butchers"

"Crouchy, in a dress, bent over a black & decker workbench, getting a good hammering from me, while Pulis watches"

"I want Crouchy to do me up the wrong 'un while he's wearing only his Stoke football socks, pulled up to his knees"

"Just thinking about Crouchy fingering Pulis's arse in the changing rooms at the Brit makes me cum"

Police Warn Crims

Staffordshire Police have warned Stoke's criminal community: don't mess with us, we've got truncheons!

Speaking at a charity dinner at a hotel located in the thieves' quarter in Hanley, PC Barry Shanks laid down the law.

"We don't mind crims going after plebs," he roared. "But come after us, and we'll beat the shit out of them."

Criminal union spokesman Herv "The Perv" Jones was disappointed with the comments. "Police do little more than come after our members," he said. "They need to stop harassing us and do something else. I don't care what. Save some cats from trees or something."

Crewe Is Shit, Report Says

A new report published by Stoke City Council has concluded that Crewe is "shit" and that anyone who would want to go there instead of Stoke is "literally bonkers".

"When we set up our new report centre at a cost of millions earlier this year, people thought we were literally bonkers," council spokesman Jinky Watkins said at a press conference to launch the report earlier today. "But quality work like this is proof of our investment, as if it were needed."

Crewe, yesterday

The report takes into account eye witness reports from scores of people who have visited Stoke's neighbour to the west.

"We do not expect Crewe to comment on our discourse," report co-author Benny Wednesday says in his footnotes. "They would have to be able to read to do that, and we all know they can't. Fact."

Emergency Oatcakes Flown To Pulis

Staff at RAF Trentham have stepped in to help former Stoke City manager Tony Pulis get his fix of oatcakes by flying deliveries of the savoury delights straight to the man himself, even though he now lives down south!

"TP is an honorary Stokie and we're happy to help," says Lieutenant Cumberland Holdcroft. "We've been doing Tony's deliveries for years, he offered to buy his own but we wouldn't let him, for security reasons."

"You can't get proper food in London, literally everyone knows that," adds Corporal Chet Finnegan. "They're like savages down there."

Man Played By Idris Elba Dies

South African celebrity politician Nelson Mandela, best known for being played in an upcoming film by British actor Idris Elba, has died, Stoke's Council of Elders has announced.

"This must be a tough time for Idris," said council spokesman Ned Cummings. "We wish him and his family all the best."

"Mr Elba is a great ambassador for Britain and the acting world," added Nigel Maycock, Stoke's ambassador to the UN. "His hard work in getting quality leading roles for black actors will endure."

"He is an inspiration for millions," politics student Amy Williams posted on social network FaceSpace. "I'd never have developed an interest in politics had Idris not played a politician. His influence will live on for generations."

Pulis Scores First Win As Cockney

It is unknown how Tony Pulis celebrated his first win as Crystal Palace boss last night, but it is believed by many to have involved traditional cockney activities such as eating jellied eels, singing songs about old women's laments around a piano and donkey punching.

"This was a good win, Tony'll be pleased with that," commented Stoke fan Kip Barngate on a message board at one of Tony's fan sites.

"Mrs P will be getting covered in jelly and punched on the back of the head tonight, that's for sure," says Palace fan Ian Peale after the game. "That's the way we do things down here. The Pulis family better get used to it, innit."

African State To Join Stoke?

African state The People's Republic of Mwanjibatou has made an application to become a part of Stoke. Leader of the country Godfrey Mwanji made the application via satellite during an internet poker game with members of the Council of Elders.

Mwanjibatou, formerly known as The Democratic Republic of Babatou, left the commonwealth last year in an angry response at alleged homosexual acts performed by members of the current British government.

"They all get upto it at them private schools man," said President Mwanji. "We want a permanent seat on the Council of Elders and a nuclear weapon and we're in," he added.

The Council of Elders has so far refused to comment on the speculation. "We do not comment on transfer speculation," said spokesman Henry Hubertsworth.

Police To Auction Items To Pay For Christmas Party

Hanley Police Station has confirmed via satellite today that it will be auctioning off items taken from crims and suspects to raise funds for a series of festive celebrations.

"The lads have worked hard this year and deserve to let off steam over the holidays," says spokesman Barry Shanks. "Crims are too lazy to do anything then anyway and this will save the taxpayer a lot of money. People should be thanking us."

Items going to auction include BMWs (the car of choice for today's successful crim), baseball caps, Adidas tracksuits, Xbox 360s and various illegal drugs with a street value of over £1 million.

"Any money left over after paying for the parties will go into a big pot," explains PC Shanks. "That pot, and it really is a big pot, literally a pot, will be an emergency fund for future parties. It means we can use our government funding purely for police work. For a change."

Scamps Ask Fans Not To Dress As Badgers Against Walsall

Port Vale has asked fans not to dress as badgers for their game today against Walsall. Walsall player Lee Kipper alleged a sexual assault against a badger from Burslem several years ago while in a log cabin on a hunting trip in the area.

"It was a serious assault and I'm lucky to have survived," Kipper recently told the Daily Gargoyle. "Had I not been carrying a machete, sub machine gun and sniper rifle, I may not have survived the attack."

One Scamps fan tweeted: "@portvale Will people wearing badger outfits be banned from the game?"

Vale replied in a press release: "Fans will not be banned but we'd prefer it if they didn't dress like badgers at our matches, home or away. We'd prefer it if they came as Boomer The Dog. Or Pikachu."

Ironically, the Scamps's club colours are based on a famous 19th Century albino badger.

Ian Watkins: I’m Not "H"

A man from Stoke called Ian Watkins has pleaded with Stokies to stop giving him abuse after it was revealed the real name of "H" from Steps is also Ian Watkins.

"H" from Steps. Requiescat in pace.

"My life has gone to spunk," says the Tina Turner fan. "Every day I have to put up with a torrent of abuse from people, much worse than I got when people thought I was a child sex offender."

"Yes my name is Ian Watkins," adds Ian. "Yes, I wear fluorescent yellow t-shirts and dance to campy cover versions of popular old songs. And yes, I've just started up my own pop band which happens to be called Stips. But this is no excuse for people's stupidity."

Ian Watkins: I’m Not That Ian Watkins

A man from Stoke called Ian Watkins has pleaded with Stokies to stop giving him abuse after his famous namesake pleaded guilty to numerous child sex offences.

"My life has gone to cock," says the Cobridge native. "Every day I have to deal with a torrent of abuse and hatred. People call me names like Little Timmy Todger Toucher, Paedo Griffin, Pee Wee's Perv House and more. It's madness and it has to stop."

"Yes my name is Ian Watkins," adds Ian. "Yes, I have got convictions for various sex offences of my own and am on the sex offenders list. And yes, I've just started up my own rock band which happens to be called Lastpuppets. But this is no excuse for people's stupidity."

Bursie Shore

Stoke will once again be at the forefront of this nation's factual televisual programming with the commencement of this new series about six people sharing a log cabin next to Lake Burslem.

"I've not seen previous iterations in this study so I don't know what to expect," says Professor Terry Muncher, Head of Social Sciences at Staffordshire University. "But this seems like a very interesting sociological study with potentially valuable information about young people and social interaction. I will be watching with a keen scientific eye."

"That such a successful documentary series is coming to Stoke can only be a wonderful thing," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "No bad can possibly come from this."

"I just wanna get drunk and shagged on camera and be famous," says cast member Debbie Box.

Tony Pulis: Cor Blimey Guv’nor

Former Stoke City manager Tony Pulis had better brush up on his cockney as he's only bloody gone and got 'imself the bloomin' manager's job at Crystal bleedin' Palace, ain't he!

Speaking at his first press conference, at which EYE ON STOKE was front and centre after camping out at the Palace ground the night before, TP spoke poetically to the assembled throng as he sensually massaged the English language into his thoughts and philosophies on the beautiful game and his challenge ahead.

Words that TP used at the press conference included: relegated, wrong, I like climbing, relish, Europe, pigeonholed, Christmas.

Stoke’s Oldest Man Called Stoke Dies

Tributes have been pouring in from all over Stoke for the city's oldest man called Stoke - Ted Stoke - who finally succumbed to old age at 43.

"Men like Ted are forged in the grit mines of Brindley Ford, not simply born," said friend and former enemy Jib Muller.

"Men like Ted are forged in the lava mines of Fegg Hayes, not simply born," said enemy and former spit-roasting partner Percy Pigeons.

"Ted never worked a day in his life," said his third from last wife, Sharon Bender. "Nor did he ever give me a penny in child support. But he was a great man."

"This is a sad day for the city," says city council spokesman Gary Coolio. "Ted has proven himself to be one of the best Stokies around and he will be missed."

Stoke will close down tomorrow and observe a day of mourning. All workers in the city are advised to stay at home.

Women "Pleading The Belly" On The Rise

The number of women in Stoke who "plead the belly" is on the rise according to official figures.

Pleading the belly is when a woman claims pregnancy at a criminal trial, meaning that she can't be prosecuted. The legal loophole was discovered by a cleaner at the house of one of Stoke's Council of Elders, who subsequently went on a crime rampage when she discovered that she herself was pregnant.

The law was originally introduced in pirate times when a popular band of female pirates who operated a frigate on the River Trent were eventually captured. To calm public anger after they were put to death and it was discovered that the women were pregnant, the law was created by the Council of Elders of the time, but it has never been repealed in Stoke.

While the legal department at City Hall work on changing the law, pregnant women are effectively immune from prosecution in Stoke.

"If pregnant women have any criminal cravings, now is the time to satisfy them," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "For the benefit of them and their babies."

Stoke's Health Service Boost

Health services in Stoke got a major boost today with the announcement of the formation of a new health advice and symptom checker website by the Stoke Hypochondria Society.

"Since the government fucked up NHS Direct, most people in Stoke have had no access to any kind of healthcare," says Hypochondria Society spokesman Jeff Turtles. "This is exactly what you need when you are convinced that something is seriously wrong with you."

Funding for the service has come from big drug companies. "We are not funding this as a means of increasing sales of our products to people who don't need really them," says a spokesman for the pharma industry, Ken Truffles. "If that happens it is merely a coincidence."

New Craze For Stoke Pensioners

"I do it for kicks. It's what keeps me going in my useless old age." So says bog average Stoke pensioner Kitty Divine as she stands on top of a bridge on the M6 – I won't tell you which one to preserve its anonymity – about to spit on cars passing below.

The practise of spitting on cars going under bridges has been around quite a while. Some believe it dates back to the Roman invasion of Britain while other historians claim it only dates back to the Twentieth Century. Nobody knows who is right.

"Some days, there's a big group of us," says Kitty. "A big group of pensioners on bridges on the M6 happily spitting on cars that go underneath. We set each other targets, like hitting a black car or a windscreen. There's quite a complicated scoring system. Getting an open convertible is the big score. It's a serious business. We often play for money. I've seen chumps lose their weekly pension in under an hour on ill advised bets."

Its not all serious though. "I've seen people's false teeth fall out as they try to spit," laughs Kitty. "It was fucking awesome."

The Revolution Will Be Instagrammed

By Steve Hyde, who is more left wing than Matty Etherington

Seeing the devastation in the Philipines fills me with sadness as I went on holiday there once. If I'm being honest, I spent most of my time there taking cheap opiates in the company of the plentiful cheap hookers they have over there. I regret not seeing some of the more cultural parts of the country when I was there as most of them will have been destroyed now. I could have got some really great pics for my Instagram. It really makes you think.

Our Fascist prime minister David Cameron is over in Sri Lanka to talk to the government/dictatorship they have there. It reminds me of when I went there a few years ago, inspired by the rapping of MIA, to fight on the side of the Tamil rebels. Unfortunately, due to communication and translation errors, I ended up fighting with the government and helping to eradicate the rebels. I'm not embarrassed to say I got carried away at times and may have committed what would some may consider to be war crimes, but this just empowers me now when I campaign against war because I've seen it first hand. Knowledge is power, and I have the knowledge of what it's like to raze entire villages, clans and cultures to the ground, and this gives me the power to go on doing my work against war and oppression.

Power to the people!

#Stoke

We all know that #Stoke regularly trends on social media like Twitter, so here is a round-up of some of the latest tweets on Twitter for those of you not yet on board with the 21st Century.

Grumpy Old Man - "A friends place has been robbed approx 3pm today in Burslem."

Peter Steger - "#Bambi für Robbie Williams aus #Stoke-on-Trent. Auch wenn er seiner Heimatstadt längst den Rücken gekehrt hat:Swing weiter und good luck!"

TyCob - "When the kids your babysitting for wasn't too watch start wars #stoke"

David Williams - "Apparently the new speed limit on Campbell Road is 17 mph. #stoke #idiots"

Alex Marriott - "Admitting that I've outwitted someone from #Stoke - similar feeling to that time I outran an anvil."

COOKI - "There's something quite beautiful about seeing children smoking and women with tattoos on their faces #stoke #sarcasm #shithole"

Worlds Most Valuable Oatcake To Go On Show

"Big Kev", perhaps the most famous oatcake in the world, and certainly the most valuable, is to go on display at the Potteries Museum in Hanley throughout December as a Christmas treat to Stokies.

The diamond encrusted culinary masterpiece was made in 1986 by a crack team of expert oatcakeers and jewellers to celebrate the National Back Yard Festival, held in Stoke that year. Owned by an investment bank in Zurich, Big Kev has not been on public display since 1997 when controversy overshadowed his appearance.

A typical diamond

"That was the time when a group of Chinese claimed to have created a more valuable one," says oatcake historian Geoffrey Hunger-Games. "It caused quite the stir. Their claim was soon shown to be fraudulent though: they had used real gemstones but a fake oatcake."

Since then Big Kev has been kept in a special vault to keep the diamonds in prime condition.

Local Dogs Outraged At Call Of Duty Portrayal

Stoke-based dogs have reacted with anger to the portrayal of our furry friends in the latest Call of Duty game.

"We are not killers as shown in the game," said canine spokesdog Rover. "Apart from that one in Bentilee who killed that family. Or that one in Burslem who mauled the little kid. And those others. We are cute and friendly."

In the game, Riley the dog accompanies the heroes and helps to kill the baddies of mainly indeterminate hispanic origins.

"The imperialist racism and people murdering each other is accurate to be fair," added Rover. "I don't have a problem with that."

Nightmare As Crouch Leaves Stoke

Millions of local hearts were broken yesterday when it was announced that Peter Crouch had been sold by Stoke City.

Local Bob Harder made the announcement on Twitter last night, leading to an outpouring of grief and a torrent of abuse for the handyman. Trending hashtags on social media included #PleaseStayCrouchy, #WeLoveYouCrouchy and #BobHarderIsATwat.

Fortunately for football fans, Crouch had only been sold on computer game FIFA 14 by Harder and not in real life.

"Crouch will leave Stoke over my dead body," says fan Doris Ahmed. "I would rather kill him than lose him, even in a video game. I have written to EA Sports to demand that Crouchy cannot be sold under any circumstances in the game. I may or may not have threatened to send parcel bombs in the future if my demand is not met."

Gas Leak High

A massive gas leak in Brindley Ford has lead to scores of locals getting high and a huge increase in visitors going to the area.

"It's quite funny really," says city health and safety officer Baul Botts. "This is the ultimate legal high in my opinion and I don't blame people for wanting to experience it. That said, with my health and safety hat on, I should probably warn people of the dangers, which I will in due course."

The source of the leak has not been identified yet as Stoke City Council sold of all of its gas masks and safety gear to meet government financial targets, and all officers who have been in the affected area to search for the leak have had to be pulled out due to getting high themselves.

Staffordshire Moorlands DC have offered to help out, but only at a severe price to Stoke's sovereignty.

Caption Competition Results

The results for the weekly Peter Crouch caption competition are in.

1st Place

"The pressure around Hutchence's neck would have felt something like this as he wanked himself off to death" - Gary Spanners, Birches Head

2nd Place

"Back off VP you fruity bastard" - Haytham Fenway, Burslem

3rd Place

"I mo fucken kill ya, ya foreign slag" - Fink Vixen, Middleport

First prize is a life size Peter Crouch doll, donated by Ted's Toys in Birches Head.

Stoke Film Club News

Due to a VHS machine chewing up the tape, tomorrow's planned screening of Jean-Luc Godard's classic Nouvelle Vague film 'Alphaville' has been cancelled.

In its place, 'Sex lives of the Potato Men' will be screened instead. Tickets are still valid. The film starts at 9am in Banqueting Suite 3 at City Hall.

Legendary Danish-French actress Anna Karina, star of 'Alphaville' and muse of Godard, who was scheduled to talk about 'Alphaville' after the screening, has agreed to still turn up anyway and answer questions afterwards about 'Sex Lives of the Potato Men' to the best of her ability, as she's never seen or heard of the film before.

Bank Posts Profit

The Royal Bank of Stoke has posted a profit of 27 pence for the first half of the financial year.

"We're overjoyed with these results," says CEO Phil Oobies. "Following our record losses last year of 45 pence, we're glad to be back in the black. All profits will be reinvested in the business to help stimulate further growth."

Housewife Would Have Antichrist

Stoke housewife Rebecca Carp has said that she would be prepared to raise the offspring of the royal lord of evil, Satan.

Mrs Carp is reported to have told strangers she doesn't know that if a child of her's turned out to be the child of Satan, she would still love it and raise it as if it was a "norm".

"I was shocked," said an onlooker. "I'm of a delicate disposition and hearing such bile literally turned my stomach inside out. I've tried washing but the stain won't go away."

Stoke Film Club

The Stoke Film Club meets again tomorrow in Hanley at City Hall. This weeks film will be the 2011 remake of 'Footloose', following on from last week's showing of the original film.

The film presentation will be followed by a round table discussion of the relative merits of the two films.

"Kevin Bacon has been invited," says Stoke Film Club secretary Jenny Cockshoot. "We've had no response but we're hopeful he'll make an appearance."

Tickets are still available from Stoke City Hall.

Pulis Lookalike Gutted At Mackems Snub

Award winning Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz, known professionally as "Tony Pulis Germany", has expressed his disappointment at Tony Pulis missing out on the manager's job at Sunderland.

"Tony was perfect for this job," wrote Gunther on his blog. "Instead, they gave it to a gimp faced Uruguayan who smears shit on walls."

Sunderland lost their first game yesterday under Gus Poyet 4-0 to Swansea.

"This would not happen under Tony's fuehrership," added Gunther. "He knows how to drill men in red and white stripes, and the Sunderland players are used to getting shouted at."

Local Woman In Dictatorship Death Claim

Local housewife and busybody Rebecca Carp has vowed to punish local crims with the death penalty if she ever becomes dictator of an independent Republic of Stoke.

"I'm sick of crims ruining this city," says the embittered woman, 40. "Chopping their cocks off isn't enough for me, death will be dealt out."

Mrs Carp has no current plans to take the city by force but has not ruled out a future assault.

"I could do it if I wanted, but it's hard to find the time, having a bunch of kids an' all," says the Lionel Richie fan.

It's Official: Stoke Is Better Than London

Stokies are celebrating after a poll announced London as Britain's crappiest town.

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/oct/05/crap-towns-london-bradford-chipping-norton

Stoke came a respectable tenth in the poll, nine places better than the capital.

"If things go well, we could drop down to the teens next year," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "That's where we belong."

Workplace Mug Theft On The Rise

An alarming new trend is sweeping the nation, the theft of people's personal mugs and cups from their places of work.

"We see this as a corporate crime," says Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "White collar crime at its absolute worst. In some ways, this is one of the worst crimes a crim can commit, it's close to identity theft. We are taking this very seriously indeed and have already set up a taskforce and hotline."

EYE ON STOKE editor Monty Deschanel says: "This is a real crime that affects real people, not just high powered executives like me. You could be next. Think about that before your grubby, sticky fingers think about taking that Audrey Hepburn mug from the work kitchen."

Dennis Rodman Visits North Longton

Former basketball star Dennis Rodman has paid a visit to the troubled ward of North Longton to meet with firebrand council leader Den Biggins.

North Longton has been ostracised within Stoke for its use of fireworks at inappropriate times of the day and for imprisoning South Longton missionaries who have been there.

"We will not be talking about that," says Rodman. "I'm just here to shoot the shit, and maybe a few hoops," he told reporters from The Daily Gargoyle.

Mr Biggins, no relation to Wayne, or to a lesser extent Christopher, hit the headlines recently when he withdrew from diplomatic relations with Stoke's other towns and closed down their embassies in North Longton.

Hide-And-Seek Premier League Returns

The Barclays Hide-And-Seek Premier League returns today after its summer break and excitement is running high in the city.

"The new season comes with promise-a-plenty," says South Longton Vikings fan Gib Bros. "We've brought in some big money signings and I'm looking forward to a more expansive style of play this year."

More transfer fees have been spent than ever before as clubs chase domestic and European glory.

The big game of the day will be at Hanley Library where Hanley Hogs take on championship favourites Dresden Dandies. The Dandies have signed some young, exciting, technically gifted French seekers to add to their already strong English hiders. 

City To Honour The Power

Stoke City Council has confirmed plans to honour darts champion Phil "The Power" Taylor by handing out darts to children and placing dart boards around the city.

"Short of building a statue of the great man, this is as good as it gets," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "We hope to raise the next generation of champions too."

Enclosed with the darts will be a note asking children not to use them for tom-foolery, crime or stabbing.

Stoke Accent Voted The Best

A poll of people in Stoke has found that the Stoke accent is the nation's favourite.

"This is a bit of a surprise," says bookmaker Henry Tootsworth. "We had Stoke's accent at 10,000-1 to win. This will break me."

The Cockney accent came last with 0 votes.

The full results are:

1. Stoke (80%)

2. Peter Crouch (15%)

3. "Black" (2%)

4. Geordie Shore (2%)

5. French (1%)

The Jonathan Wilkes Explosion

A new Jonathan Wilkes fan club has officially been birthed (and registered with Companies House) called The Jonathan Wilkes Explosion. It has been formed by a splinter group from The Jonathan Wilkes Experience, unhappy at the direction that the Experience is taking into long, freeform, stream of consciousness articles on the all-round entertainer and family man.

"We're called the Explosion cus we're gonna be like the big bang for Jonathan Wilkes fan clubs," says club secretary Wendy Whiggal. "In the future, everything else will refer back to the big bang that was the launch of this club."

The club was originally called The New Jonathan Wilkes Experience, then Jonathan Wilkes's New Experience, but high court injunctions taken out by The Jonathan Wilkes Experience put paid to these names.

"Dos Boca"

Here is another exclusive extract from Monty Deschanel's forthcoming autobiography.

The most fearsome boy at my international high school in Santiago was Carlos Flores, known as "Dos Boca", or "Two Mouth” in English. So called not because he talked a lot, or ate too much, but because he had a scar on his chin that looked like a second mouth. Kind of like a second mouth that had been stitched together and sealed up, just waiting to speak angry words again. In my opinion, Two Mouth was even crazier than Crazy Barry ("Loco Barry") the official school bully. Now that is a fight I would pay to see: Two Mouth vs Crazy Barry. I think anyone who lived in Santiago at that time would agree with me. No rules, no weapons, no clothes, just two physically intimidating but mentally unstable men brawling naked in front of a passionate Chilean crowd wanting blood.

The son of Peruvian ant miners, which should tell you everything you need to know, Two Mouth was an angry, angry child. His signature moves were tipping bins over people's heads and pissing on things. I don't think he could walk past a bin without tipping it over someone. Even if the bin was screwed down and there wasn't anyone within 2 miles, he'd make a screwdriver if necessary out of any available materials to release the bin then spend as long as it took to find someone to tip it over. He was dedicated to the cause at least. Even if you disagreed with him doing it you had to respect his perseverance at least.

As for the pissing, the excuse was always the same: "cat law". Apparently, cats piss on things of which they want to claim ownership. I've never checked if this is true. I remember the time Andrea Rojas wore a new helmet to school. Two Mouth immediately pissed on it, climbing up onto a school desk to give himself the height needed to spray the helmet. Andrea too was a subscriber to cat law and handed over the headgear.

(c) Monty Deschanel 2013

Monty Deschanel Exclusive

Here is an exclusive extract from the forthcoming autobiography of EYE ON STOKE owner, editor, CEO, chairman and creative director Monty Deschanel.

One thing that’s always puzzled me about life in England is the obsession with uniforms. Sure, I can understand a man wanting to see a sexy woman dressed as a cheap hooker or a French maid. For me though, being part French, the French maid's outfit is like a busman's holiday. I'm so used to seeing actual French maids dressed like that doing my housework that I don’t find it in the slightest bit erotic. It just makes me think of dusting trophies.

This obsession extends to all walks of life here, whether it's the corrupt politician in his suit and tie, the pervy vicar in his tight black outfit or the crazy paver in his boiler suit. That's all well and good for grown ups but I say: teachers, leave them kids alone. Making children wear uniforms is a form of oppression designed to drill individuality out of them. I know all about oppression as I've lived under several dictatorships, of both the military and political type, and they use the same reasoning and justification.

Of course, this justification for this is always anecdotal, and never based on any actual studies or evidence. There's always some rich, probably pervy old politician with shiny shoes who has never done a hard day's work in his life saying: "Well, I know I feel more professional when I wear a blazer and tie, so I think everyone else in the world should too."

I don't think children even need proper PE kits. I'm a big believer in shirts vs skins. We didn't have uniforms at schools in Chile, and many kids went to school topless regardless so it didn't take much organising. Pretty much everything in Chile ends up shirts vs skins anyway, including civil wars, whether you want it or not.

(c) Monty Deschanel 2013

Stoke To Host Its Own Hunger Games

Stoke City Council has confirmed that the city is to host its own Hunger Games.

"This is an exciting opportunity for Stoke," says Gerry Hams, city councillor for warfare. "The movie was a worldwide sensation and I don't see why we shouldn't wet our beaks too."

Like in the movie, two youngsters from each of Stoke's towns will be selected to fight to the death in Central Forest Park in Hanley. The winner will get £25,000 and a spot alongside Jonathan Wilkes as a judge on Stoke's Top Talent.

"This is the chance of a lifetime for the winner," adds Cllr Hams. "No bad can come from this."

Money Saving Tips

With money mad Ted Gash

Ted's Crazy Paving in Birches Head is offering to crazy pave the back of your terraced house for half price if you get the get the front done. Bargain!

Boots in Hanley is having a special offer: buy one box of condoms, get one free. I personally prefer to ride bareback (unless I'm with a hooker of course!) as I find it cheaper and more pleasurable, but if you're the sort to saddle up, then this offer is for you.

What's that? You had an accident? Guess what - it wasn't your fault! Ted's Lawyers in Birches Head will aggessively pursue legal action against anyone for very reasonable rates. Call them now and tell them who you want to sue.

Crouchy Blamed For Cable Problems

Stoke City star striker Peter Crouch has been blamed for a host of cable TV problems by local residents.

"Our cable TV has been terrible lately," says Mandy Pickpocket from Birches Head. "I blame Crouchy, mos' def'. He's happy to take the money for promoting the service but none of the responsibility when it fails. Typical footballer."

Residents have complained of pictures cutting out and no service for days at a time.

"I went to a Stoke training session to complain but Crouchy just fobbed me off with a signed beanpole," added Ms Pickpocket. "So I found out where his Mum lives and phoned her to tell her to tell him off. She said she would. I also asked Mark Hughes to drop Crouchy for three matches but I got bored by his response and left."

Question Of The Day

Let me paint a picture for you. With words. Not brushes.

It is the near future. Jennifer Paige, of 'Crush' song fame, has finally made a comeback, most likely. Dave Lee Travis is in court on trial for various crimes. The judge asks the jury for their verdict. "We, the jury, find DLT guilty of all charges before him and of all the other accusations made against him in court."

The judge raises his hand to call for quiet in the courtroom, where a group of pensioners are visibly shocked by the verdict and have all fallen over. "Mr DLT, I have no choice but to sentence you to… death."

As DLT is led away, crying probably, and maybe weeing himself too, an ITV reporter speaks to camera. "The return of the death penalty is what the British people wanted, and that is exactly what they've got."

DLT is strapped into the electric chair, the metal helmet thing lowered onto his head. The executioner general checks everything is in order then steps back to the console. Prime Minister David Cameron nods to give the go ahead.

The executioner general pushes the switch upwards. After a series of sparks, the crowd gasps... as buckets of gunge rain down on the beleagured DJ. The executioner general laughs.

DLT looks up. “EDMONDS!” he shouts. The crown turns to see that the executioner general is really just Noel Edmonds in an outfit. Noel is back, the gotchas are back… the House Party is back. The crowd rejoice.

The question is: would the return of 'Noel's House Party' justify this charade at the taxpayers expense? Leave your vote in the comments below.

Lord Hankey's Column

By Tory Peer Lord Hankey of Bentilee

The motto of my alma mater (St Percy's School For Boys in Newbury) was "destruo imbecillitas" (destroy weakness), and if there's one thing I'm passionate about, it's the complete and utter destruction of the HS2 rail link programme. Some of my ancestors built, or at least project-managed, the building of many of this fair land's train infrastructure and this project is a disgrace. It's unnecessary, environmentally damaging and ugly. It's like adding crazy paving onto Buckingham Palace.

I'd like to congratulate our Oriental friends in Tokyo on being awarded the Olympic games in 2020. I spent some time in Tokyo in the early 1970s, and I'm not embarrassed to say that I fully embraced the culture there, even after my early reservations. I briefly married a local girl out there, a lovely young lass called Kyoto, schooled in all the Eastern arts, who I'd met at the local opium den. The marriage was eventually annulled of course as I was still married to Mrs Hankey, who I'd completely forgotten about, back in Blighty. I don't know what happened to my Kyoto but I heard she went on to marry a French cartographer. Such is life. Anyway, it's safe to say that Mrs Hankey wasn't too impressed by any of this carry on and I had to sleep out in those ghastly guest quarters in the East wing for quite some time before I was allowed back into the marital chambers. I also recall joining a Yakuza gang out there called the Yamaguchi. One of those mafia types as I remember it. It was the damndest thing, driving around Tokyo, hanging out of cars shooting at people you don't know for a turf war you don't understand, I can tell you. I've since had the gang tattoos removed by lasers but the memories are permanent.

Council Vote Controversy Shitstorm

Stoke City Council has been heavily criticised after hosting a vote on its website for people to choose the worst religion.

"Just last week, our vote was for Stoke's best bollards," said city councillor Tuft Makepeas. "I didn't see EYE ON STOKE covering that. No, but as soon as we toss out a hot potato like religion, EYE ON STOKE is the first in there to catch it you fuckers."

Here's a selection of votes and comments from the poll:

"It's gotta be the Catholics cus of all of them paedo priests an that" - Jeff, Dresden

"Call me an ignorant racist but it's muslimism all the way 4 me" - Sharon, Cobridge

"They're all as bad as each other, bunch of simpletons who believe in all that shit" - Travis, Trentham

"All the rest of them aside from Christianity" - Mary, Stockton Brook