Staffordshire Moorlands Special

We have had a lot of requests from readers in the Staffordshire Moorlands asking for news for the region as the news sources there are "gobshittingly fuckwitted" and "an offence to anyone with more than one brain cell". So, due to popular demand...

SMUC Call Strike

The Staffordshire Moorlands Union of Corn Worshippers (SMUC) have called a general strike for 22 December following a vote by members.

"The reasons for this strike are many and numerous and plenty and nothing to do with getting an extra day Christmas shopping for our members," SMUC general secretary Andy Caravan said in a statement.

Farmers Charity Night

The annual Leek Farmers' Charity Night was a rousing success, raising £81 for bald children. The Wanking For Charity event, held at The Big Barn, saw a massive turnout of local farmers and their sister wives.

The main raffle prize, a scarecrow with the face of a Frenchman, was won by Durlit Cockspike.

Reader Shout-outs

Can I get a shout-out to my daughter Prosecco Grindey, 6, who has been learning to read exclusively on EYE ON STOKE - Gill Ellis, Chell 

Good learning Prosecco!

I am a burglar from Middleport (don't print that part), can I get a hello and can you tell Staffordshire Police to stop arresting me for crimes I have definitely not done - Timmy Necker, Middleport

Sure thing Timmy!

Long time reader, first time e-mailer. I didn't vote three times for Brexit at three different polling stations to see us cave in to the EU's demands like this fuck the commies - Barry Nobbs

We think this should have gone to our Brexit inbox Barry, please re-send.

I get urges to stab people with my magic knife, a big up might stop me thanks - Super Stabby Mike, Norton

A big up coming your way Super Stabby Mike!

South Staffordshire Is Full Of Scrubs, Says Professor

"I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is someone who don't get no love from me," said Professor Dave Monkeys last night during his keynote address at the 2017 Stoke Science Conference at the Burslem Hilton. "That is why I avoid South Staffordshire."

During his speech, Professor Monkeys showed evidence he had collected showing that over 80% of people originating from the southern half of the county can be defined ac "scrubs".

"I used a big, complex formula that is all in my head to find a way of quantifying 'scrubness', with a line beyond which one can be classified definitively as a 'scrub'. Over 80% of Sou'staffordishirians go beyond this line, compared to only 20% of us northerners," Professor Monkeys explained.

Monkeys will be forwarding his evidence, in the form of a PowerPoint presentation, to the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm.

Fit American Actress To Marry Sloppy Ginger Brit

Fans of good-looking American actresses are in uproar after it was announced American hottie Meghan Markle is engaged to retired British ginger Harry Windsor.

"This is an outrage," lads mag fan Kenny Tankard said. "Fit birds like this shouldn't be noshing off gingers, it's nonsense, not natural. I blame Ed Sheeran."

"Totty like this should be getting with cokehead actors who need money, pushing them into risque film roles and magazine photo shoots they wouldn't otherwise do," Stokie Gummer Matthews said in a YouTube comment section, gaining 43 more thumbs up than thumbs down.

Stoke Demands Post-Brexit Hard Border

Reports have emerged that Stoke's ruling Council of Elders are going to demand a hard border between the city and the rest of Britain once the country exits the EU in 2019.

"I am not at liberty to disclose the thoughts of our glorious leaders," city council press secretary Barry Lemons said at his weekly press conference. "But it's clear that the will of the Stoke people is to take back control of our borders and stop cockneys and scousers from getting in."

How the proposed wall around Stoke will look

The hard border would involve building a giant wall around Stoke. "What's better is that we will make the UK pay for it, lol," Lemons added.

"The UK needs Stoke more than Stoke needs the UK," Timmy Yip SMP, member of the Stoke parliament for Chell, said. "That much is FACT. Leaving the UK again is our ultimate goal. We give £351 million a week to the UK, money we can spend on festivals and mobility scooters. A hard border is the first step in that direction, that's why we should push for it."

Sunday Service - Politics Special

With Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Cobridge

There's been a lot of allegations about MPs abusing their power to get handsy with people. The only hand I ever use to touch people with is the hand of God and they are always grateful.

With the lack of trust in our MPs, it's now time we were governed by God and his disciples. I am prepared to form a government with other religious leaders (only ones from the correct religion though) and finally bring Britain into a new golden age where MPs are chosen by the shepherd (i.e. God) and not the sheep (i.e. the British people).

Gordon Brown says America misled Britain over the Iraq war. God has never misled me, nor anyone. Even the time he told me to take the church's delivery of red wine to my house, he was testing me and I knew the truth.

Average Stoke Life Expectancy Rises Again

More good news for Stokies today as Stoke City Council announced that Stokies are living longer than ever!

"The average life expectancy for people in Stoke is now over 50 for the first time ever," councillor Jinky Watkins said. "If ever there was a time to binge on food, booze, fags and drugs, it is now."

The average Stokie can now expect to live to 50 years and 2 months of age, a one year increase on this time a year ago.

"This is largely down to the fact that the quality of drugs in the city has increased," local GP Dr Flip Mackenzie commented. "Better quality smack equals fewer deaths."

Nerd Punched For Not Shutting Up About How Good Super Mario Odyssey Is

Local gamer Derek Scragg found himself with reduced health earlier today when a work colleague punched him in the face!

Derek had spent the weekend playing the latest Nintendo Switch game 'Super Mario Odyssey' and decided to spend most of his day telling workmates how good it is.

"Aye, he wouldn't shut up about it," said the puncher, Terrence Pegg. "Just banging on about it all fucking day, did my head in. So yeah, I slopped his nut."

"I missed my chance at countering," Derek said. "I saw the warning symbol above his head but didn't press circle in time, as they say. It's a great game though, you really need to play it."

Stoke Turns Yellow As Storm Ophelia Gets Mad For It

Stoke got a yellowy glow for the first time in years today as Storm Ophelia blew sands from north Africa, making the sun appear red in the sky.

"This is the yellowest Stoke has been since the urine factory in Newstead exploded, sending a mist of stale piss across the city," environmental expert Humbert Leech said. "Good times."

Slowing drivers on the M6 caused massive pile-ups leading to thousands of deaths. Fortunately, most of this happened next to a morgue and cemetery for ease of collection.

Student Of History

By Steve Hyde, libtard and proud.

I'm about to start my 15th different degree course at Staffordshire University this month, thirteen more than the next best student in the uni's history. This year, I will be studying history. I know how lucky we are in this country to have such an advanced education system as I have travelled extensively to many of the poorer parts of the world and have seen first hand how stupid many people in those countries are. I'm ashamed to say that I exploited their stupidity on many occasions for my own benefit, getting them to do humiliating things for very little money and filming it for easy views in monetised videos on my YouTube channel. I could remove those videos but prefer to leave them up as a reminder of my past failings, and I give 10% of the ad revenue to charity.

To my fellow students, I say: keep learning, comrades! Together, we can take down the Man!

Brexit Means Fucking Brexit

By Dick Mellor

I wrote in 2013 about how much I want to wipe Britain's shitty arse of the dangling shit glob that was the EU, hanging out of our hairy arsehole, refusing to squeeze out and go down the shitter of history where it belongs.

I also campaigned vigorously during last year's glorious referendum, like a man a quarter of my age, full of vim and vinegar and proud British gametes, wanting to sow my EU-leaving seed into as many people as possible (figuratively speaking of course, I'm a happily married man and accomplished husband, as Mrs Mellor will testify to under oath, and has done on several occasions), making sure once and for all that we leave that stinking cesspool of corruption, eurocrats and foreigners behind us and get back to being the most powerful country in the world where we belong, looking down onto everybody else, spitting into their mouths when they are thirsty, pissing on them when they need a shower, chucking them leftovers when they need sustenance.

So when our supreme leader, our Aphrodite, our grey goddess Theresa May tells those limp-dicked, bent-titted, spunk-for-brains remoaning bastards that "Brexit means Brexit" I stand behind her, snooker ball-in-a-sock in hand, ready to crack some skulls and shit down some throats. End of.

Money Saving Guidance

With cash boffin Ted Gash

With the economy going tits up quicker than a murdered hooker in the Dead Sea, it's important now more than ever to manage your finances and search for bargains. Fortunately, I am here to help.

Ted's Chambers in Hanley is home to Stoke's best barristers and is currently running a "family and lovers" special offer. If you use them for any criminal trial you have before the end of 2018, any relative or spouse who is also up in court within the same time frame will get 50% off their bill. It's always best to plan ahead.

Having sex is fun, so why let a lack of money restrict your possibilities? Condoms are pointless in the 21st Century, so don't bother with them. Either blast your load on your lady's titties or shag women who are unemployed and they can get the pill for free. Job done.

Uncle Terry Will Sort It Out

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Hi Uncle T, I've always been scared of showing my meat lolly to women cus I have what is known medically as a "micro penis". I really want some fanny but don't want to pay for it, what should I do? - Ted, Cobridge

I would say find yourself a nice girl who won't mind that kind of thing, but we both know that would be bullshit. You should look to Max Clifford as an inspiration; he, like you, had a tiny love snack, but through hard work and making himself wealthy and powerful, he was able to trick women into sorting him out.

Yo T-Dawg, my useleass boyfriend smokes weed all day and this makes him shit in bed, how can I get some hotter action? - Tracy, Milton

Tracy, men who smoke weed are useless. Assuming your man ain't going to be giving up the drugs any time soon, you need to get him on something sexier, something that will get his engine purring. My advice: get him on the cocaine. There's a reason that's the drug of choice for horny celebrities - because IT WORKS.

Terry, my mother-in-law is a right pain in the cock end, I want her out of the picture before she convinces my missus to leave me. How can I make it happen? - Nigel, Hanley

You have three paths: turn your bird against her mum, turn your nightmare-in-law against your bird, or get rid of your problem the old fashioned way. As EYE ON STOKE's lawyers have told me I can't advocate murder, that leaves the first two options. I would suggest finding a scheme that turns them against each other, like stealing from your wife's momma and framing your wife.

Stoke Elects A Badger As Mayor

Following the death of city mayor Lemmy Longclaw last month, Stoke moved quickly to elect a new one - and voted in a badger!

Of course, this is Stoke, and as such, it isn't as ridiculous as it may seem as Stoke has had a badger for mayor since 1974, and the role is largely ceremonial with no real power attached.

The tradition comes from Stoke's war of independence when the city declared itself a republic and tried to break free from the UK. At the end of the war, when British tanks broke through Stoke's defences and pushed into Hanley, marking Stoke's defeat and the war's end, a lone badger stood in defiance of the British army, staring down the enemy and refusing to budge.

That badger, Lil Jimmy, was found guilty of treason and sent to Gibraltar to live in exile, but his stand became legendary and led to the city creating the role of mayor purely to vote a badger into office to honour his memory.

Stoke newest mayor is called Truffles and will start his new role tomorrow.

In Focus: Goldenhill

Goldenhill is located in northern Stoke, between Tunstall and Kidsgrove.

Goldenhill took its name from the big hill in the centre of town, which people used to stand on top of and have a piss. It was seen as a sign of good luck if you could rotate yourself around 360 degrees whilst doing one long unbroken circle of piss around you.

People from Goldenhill are known as "hill folk".

Goldenhill's official motto is "Canis est Agricola", which means "the dog is a farmer".

The average person in Goldenhill eats four crispy pancakes per week.

Pimping is legal in Goldenhill as long as you are pimping people you are related to.

Spaceships are outlawed in Goldenhill and aliens are to be killed on sight.

It is traditional in Goldenhill to smear gravy on your face before eating your Sunday lunch.

The phrase "Chinny reckon" was invented by Goldenhill native Barry Gobblesworth.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

People Who Say "Fake News" A Lot Are Thick, Says Study

A new study by nerds at Staffordshire University has found that people who use the term "fake news" are less intelligent than people who don't.

"Listen, this is not a dig at Donald Trump," Professor Jack Scrumps said. "I'm a big fan of the man, big fan. I once did a piss into the letterbox of one of his hotels. Good times."

The study analysed the social media posts of people rating overall intelligence from their output and linking it to uses of certain keywords and phrases.

"According to the study, Trump is a fuckwit," Professor Scrumps added. "The study doesn't lie."

Phrases that smarter people use include "gumption", "cut of your jib" and "no bad can possibly come from this".

Stoke Named Best Place In The World, Again

A survey of over 10,000 people in Stoke has found that the world's best place is Stoke.

"This result was not unexpected," said Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board. "This is not the first time we have taken this title, and it won't be the last. We are magnificent bastards."

London came in joint last place with 0 votes.

Here is a how the votes went:

Stoke - 90%

Paris - 3%

Kavos - 2%

Ibiza - 1%

Prague - 1%

Blackpool - 1%

Amsterdam - 1%

Benidorm - 1%

London - 0%

Fallout Makers Deny Copying Stoke

Bethesda Softworks, makers of the 'Fallout' video game series, have denied accusations that the games are a blatant rip off of life in Stoke.

"I recently played through Fallout 4," gamer Chubb Yates said. "On the PS4, not the Xbox One, I'm not a peasant. I noticed that the overworld of the game was incredibly similar to that of Longton. A bit too similar. More than is normal."

Longton, yesterday

"So I went back and played Fallout 3 and what did I find?" Chubb continued. "Norton, that's what."

Chubb contacted Bethesda employees on Twitter and got only one reply: "What is a Stoke?"

"Their silence speaks volumes," Chubb concluded. "I hope the city council quite literally sues the shit out of dem yankee bastards."

Crouchy's Autobiography To Be Preserved Forever

The Stoke Book Registry has announced that its 2017 selection is Peter Crouch's autobiography, 'Walking Tall: My Story'.

Every year, one important work of literature is selected to be preserved forever in the Library of Stoke.

"This is a massive honour for Crouchy," commented Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed, 105. "But well deserved. The book is a masterpiece, a journey into greatness, a tour de force of humanity AND humility, an experience so vivid one will feel like they are walking in Crouchy's shoes and seeing the world through his eyes."

The book follows the 2016 selection, 'A La Recherche du Temps Perdu' by Marcel Proust, and 2015's 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka.

Port Vale News

Port Vale have announced ambitious to attract more female fans to games at a press conference at Mothercare in Hanley today.

"We are living in the 20th Century now and women are an important part of Stoke and the world," club director Wayne Bungle announced. "They have their own money and free time nowadays so why not come to Vale Park and cheer the Scamps on?"

The club carried out a survey amongst its male season ticket holders to see what women like and would attract them to games.

"The results were clear: women like knitting, wine and dancing," Bungle continued. "As such, we will be opening a knitting section in the Sentinel Stand, employing male dancers in all four stands and opening our own vineyard in Burslem to produce Port Vale branded wine."

Following a standing ovation, and a little dance, Bungle finished the conference. "With this, Vale has shown itself to be the most forward-thinking club in the country. Onwards and upwards!"

Punters Fear Post-Brexit Prostitute Price Hike

Punters and Johns from around the city have urged Stoke City Council to ensure a price freeze on sex workers once Britain leaves the EU following last year's Brexit vote.

Dave Holdcroft, president of the Stoke Society of Shaggers [SSS], worries rising inflation and the departure of EU and non-EU citizens from Stoke will lead to a massive price rise for sexual services.

"The price of fanny has already gone up by 10% since June," Dave says. "Foreign fanny is normally cheaper, but when there's none of it about, what the fuck are we gonna do?"

"The fact of the matter is that Stoke slags just don't wanna be pros no more in the way they did in the past," Dave continues. "Local women have gotten lazy. The council needs to regulate and promote the industry, maybe even nationalise it, or Stokalise it, as you might say. This is important."

2016 Review: December

Ancient cave paintings were discovered by students in Packmoor on a school trip, which local historians claim to be over 18,000 years old!

"This is the historical find of the century," Staffordshire University lecturer Quentin Git proclaimed. "These give an insight into ancient humanity that no other similar find in the whole world has ever done. We've yet to decipher everything, like what words like 'dave' or 'shaz' or 'tupac' mean, or why they had a fascination with drawing ejaculating penises, but this changes everything we thought we knew about the world and humanity."