Uncle Terry Will Sort It Out

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Hi Uncle T, I've always been scared of showing my meat lolly to women cus I have what is known medically as a "micro penis". I really want some fanny but don't want to pay for it, what should I do? - Ted, Cobridge

I would say find yourself a nice girl who won't mind that kind of thing, but we both know that would be bullshit. You should look to Max Clifford as an inspiration; he, like you, had a tiny love snack, but through hard work and making himself wealthy and powerful, he was able to trick women into sorting him out.

Yo T-Dawg, my useleass boyfriend smokes weed all day and this makes him shit in bed, how can I get some hotter action? - Tracy, Milton

Tracy, men who smoke weed are useless. Assuming your man ain't going to be giving up the drugs any time soon, you need to get him on something sexier, something that will get his engine purring. My advice: get him on the cocaine. There's a reason that's the drug of choice for horny celebrities - because IT WORKS.

Terry, my mother-in-law is a right pain in the cock end, I want her out of the picture before she convinces my missus to leave me. How can I make it happen? - Nigel, Hanley

You have three paths: turn your bird against her mum, turn your nightmare-in-law against your bird, or get rid of your problem the old fashioned way. As EYE ON STOKE's lawyers have told me I can't advocate murder, that leaves the first two options. I would suggest finding a scheme that turns them against each other, like stealing from your wife's momma and framing your wife.