Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City
Plucky relegation-threatened Liverpool scraped a lucky draw against the Pottermusses in front of a crowd of bemused Scousers, who were warned before the game that their shell suits were a fire hazard and they had to watch the game in their pants and vests for safety reasons.
Exeter 0-2 Port Vale
Pope Tom was the hero once again for the Scamps by scoring two goals, which he immediately dedicated to the victims of Sir Jimmy Savile by pulling off his shirt to reveal a vest with the slogan "Savile was a nonce" on it. Manager Micky Adams has challenged his players to get more goals this season by declaring that he will eat a pie for every goal that the Scamps score.
Fegg Hayes North End Q-J Kidsgrove Rovers
The Nenders won this game which trialled UEFA's experimental new scoring system, where goals are counted in letters rather than numbers, and where extra letters were awarded for fancy tricks or sexy dances. Manager Keith Gobbler was pleased with the result. "It was literally a game of two halves," he told reporters from the world's gathered press. "And the only stat that literally matters is the final score. Hashtag-delighted."
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