Saturday 28 April 2012

Situation Worsens, Bono Gets Involved

As the situation in Cobridge fails to improve, the Cobridge Appeal Fund has been set up to help pay for the clean up. £120 has already been raised. Former Prime Minister Tony Blairs was quick to praise the generosity of the British people. "The generosity of people, even when some have so little to give, which is Gordon Brown's fault not mine, has humbled even me, Tony Blairs."

BBC News correspondents have described Cobridge as "apocalyptic", and estimate around 80-90% of buildings are uninhabitable. The BBC News team even came across an old man, having to sleep in a cardboard box in an alleyway. He was trying to heat up some food on a spoon with a cigarette lighter. He had to wear a belt on his arm to fight the cold.

Dieter Rathaus, an official from the German Department of Social Affairs has been to visit the affected area. "It's horrific. There have been reports of gangs preying on local residents and spraying graffiti on walls. I've seen houses with windows boarded up. I've never heard anything like it. All my colleagues are freaked out and shaken. People were crying."

Reports claim that a large number of people leave the affected area every morning between 8am and 9am. However, a similar number of people seem to arrive in the area between 5pm and 6pm. UN Police have fired rounds at the people trying to enter the area in the evening, to little avail.

British Rail and Virgin Trains have started to transport aid into the city. Richard Branson has pledged £150,00 from his Richard Branson's Changing Suit charity programme, which gives tailored suits to the poor and needy. His trains will transport the suits. British Rail meanwhile has removed seats from its economy class section to store water containers, purification equipment and pumps. "I've not seen anyone drinking water since I've been here," explained a Unicef ambassador, one of the first people to arrive in the area. "The people seem to live on fizzy drinks and alcohol. Oh, the humanity!"

The World breathed a collective sigh of relief later with the news that Bono has become involved in the campaign. "Celebrity is currency, and I want to spend myself in Cobridge," he said. "I love the work I do. It's a privilege to serve the poor. But we're not here today for a victory lap, we're here to overtake poverty. Because the situation in Cobridge is outrunning us. Every World era has its defining struggle and the fate of Cobridge is ours. And you know what's amazing? Everywhere I go, I see the same compassion as I see all over the world. And, increasingly, I see the same conviction that we can and we must join together to help Cobridge."

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, one of the first overseas politician to offer help to Cobridge, had some positive words. "The USA will be here today, tomorrow and for foreseeable future to overthrow any local warlords and to ensure peace here by any means necessary. I believe that Cobridge can come back even better and stronger in the future."

Jonathan Wilkes has announced that he will be hosting a telethon to help raise funds. Stars confirmed for the show include Sting, Bono and Pete Waterman. Robbie Williams will pre-record a message of good luck to Jonathan Wilkes for the show.

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