Scientists Replicate The Sounds Of Stoke

A team from the University of Central Lancashire in Preston have used physics and mathematics to replicate the natural sounds of Stoke.

They have also modelled the effects of atmospheres, pressures and temperatures on the human voice in Stoke, and found that a cockney in Stoke would sound like a Smurf.

Some typical Londoners. Note the bad dress
sense and inbred-looking faces.

Professor Bob Knieval, of the university's Institute for Sound and Noise Research, said: "We are confident of our calculations. We have been rigorous in our use of physics taking into account atmospheres, pressure and fluid dynamics. In Stoke, the pitch of your voice would become much deeper. That is because the city's dense atmosphere means that the vocal cords vibrate more slowly. However, the speed of sound in the Stoke is much faster than it is in London, and this tricks the our brain so that when we hear a cockney voice from London, they sound like Smurfs."

Despite many years of sound research, the scientists have no evidence of any cockneys ever visiting Stoke and their test results are only hypothetical.