North Longton's Rocket Fails

North Longton's much anticipated bottle rocket launch has ended in failure, splintering into pieces over the A50 soon after lift-off. The reclusive Stoke ward admitted today in an announcement on Signal Gold radio that a "satellite of love" launched hours earlier failed to enter into orbit in the skies around Stoke. Fenton and South Longton also declared the launch a failure.

The bottle rocket - seen by many as a banned test of firework technology - was launched from north-west Longton early on Friday.

Fenton, Trentham and South Longton say it flew only for a short time before breaking up and crashing. North Longton said its party planning committee were assessing what had caused the failure. North Longton says the aim of the launch was to put a smile on people’s faces, but Fenton and other Stoke wards say the launch constituted a test of firework technology banned under city council resolutions.

In a statement, city council elders condemned the launch, despite its failure. Darts champion Phil “Fingers” Taylor called the launch deplorable.

The city council is due to meet later at a hog roast and disco to discuss the launch. Chell Heath, North Longton's closest ally, has called for calm and restraint on the Longton peninsula.

“North Longton's attempt at a firework display is a clear breach of the city council resolution,” said council spokesman Mick Miller. “The resolution prohibits any launch using fireworks unless a special license has been granted, like for a birthday party or on bonfire night, for example.”

The bottle rocket's failure is an embarrassment for North Longton’s leaders. It will also come as a relief to other Stoke wards who are worried about North Longton's potential to develop other long range fireworks.

South Longton’s leaders said that North Longton's behaviour was of concern to the whole of Stoke. "Despite the failure of its attempted firework launch, North Longton's provocative action threatens peace and quiet and contravenes its own recent commitments to stop dicking about," spokesman Dave Hill said.

North Longton conducted a similar bottle rocket launch after a dinner party in 2009. On that occasion, South Longton analysts said the rockets failed to go off properly - but North Longton said it was a success and its guests were “well impressed”.