Obligatory Titanic Story

One of Stokes wealthiest businessmen, Colin Muntford, has unveiled plans to build a replica of The Titanic, which he hopes to sail along the Trent and Mersey canal from Stoke to Preston Brook in 2016, before returning to Stoke to stay on Lake Burslem.

"Captain Smith, who James Cameron showed us to be at fault for sinking the Titanic, so it must be true, was born in Hanley, so I think it's now up to Stokies like me to make amends for what this villain did by rebuilding the ship," explained Muntford. "Titanic II will be quite literally exactly the same as the original Titanic in every possible way imaginable. But better. And no, it won't sink."

A scene from the movie 'Titanic' directed by James Cameron

Muntford said he had a "nod-and-a-wink" agreement with Richard Branson's company Virgin Trains to build the replica ship, which Branson has promised will so detailed as to be the same colour as the original, if they can get the right paint. Muntford also said he had invited Branson's private navy to escort Titanic II on its maiden voyage. He did not say how much the project would cost.

Muntford, who made his money through pyramid schemes, and is a major donor to UKIP [UK Independence Party], denies he has made any of this up to get publicity ahead of forthcoming local elections.

End Called To Disaster

Stoke City Council have now called an official end to the disaster phase, following a relatively mild day. That is all.

Hope For Cobridge

Poor road and river access continue to hamper the relief efforts. A massive jam built up at Smallthorne roundabouts, where the complex series of small roundabouts confused foreign aid workers. Meanwhile, roadworks on Potteries Way caused tailbacks there also.

Former American President Bill Clinton arrived on behalf of the UN, and immediately highlighted the plight of young women. "This disaster has had a devastating effect on families," he said. "Everywhere I have been in Cobridge, all I see is pregnant young women and single mothers having to do it all by themselves. The men aren't around anymore, probably killed in a meaningless war, but we are here, and we can help. I want to get hands-on with these young women."

Many people have been unable to see a doctor or dentist in Cobridge and have had to travel into other parts of Stoke for simple medical appointments. Bill Clinton described the situation as "not good enough".

US Navy search and rescue teams found a large group of young teenagers hanging around an amusement arcade who said they had nowhere to go. Their speech was barely comprehensible to the Navy team members. The teens were taken to be held at the nearby US military base until they can be adopted overseas. It is rumoured that Madonna has shown an interest.

More than 100 people have now been rescued from their crumbling homes. Many of them were too proud to accept help and had to be forcibly removed from their property while others were in such a state of shock they didn't even realise they needed help.

People in Africa have been encouraged to send clothes and food to the people of Cobridge. Leading African musicians are planning to record a charity song and to host a big concert to raise money and awareness of the situation.

The twelve hour Hope For Cobridge Telethon hosted by Jonathan Wilkes has raised more than £57,000. Organisers claim this as the biggest telethon ever. Highlights of the show included Bono hugging a member of the crowd who was wearing a Stoke City shirt to show how much he cares. Sting meanwhile brought along someone from Cobridge to highlight his plight. The man's tribal tattoos and piercings were of particular interest to the crowd.

Situation Worsens, Bono Gets Involved

As the situation in Cobridge fails to improve, the Cobridge Appeal Fund has been set up to help pay for the clean up. £120 has already been raised. Former Prime Minister Tony Blairs was quick to praise the generosity of the British people. "The generosity of people, even when some have so little to give, which is Gordon Brown's fault not mine, has humbled even me, Tony Blairs."

BBC News correspondents have described Cobridge as "apocalyptic", and estimate around 80-90% of buildings are uninhabitable. The BBC News team even came across an old man, having to sleep in a cardboard box in an alleyway. He was trying to heat up some food on a spoon with a cigarette lighter. He had to wear a belt on his arm to fight the cold.

Dieter Rathaus, an official from the German Department of Social Affairs has been to visit the affected area. "It's horrific. There have been reports of gangs preying on local residents and spraying graffiti on walls. I've seen houses with windows boarded up. I've never heard anything like it. All my colleagues are freaked out and shaken. People were crying."

Reports claim that a large number of people leave the affected area every morning between 8am and 9am. However, a similar number of people seem to arrive in the area between 5pm and 6pm. UN Police have fired rounds at the people trying to enter the area in the evening, to little avail.

British Rail and Virgin Trains have started to transport aid into the city. Richard Branson has pledged £150,00 from his Richard Branson's Changing Suit charity programme, which gives tailored suits to the poor and needy. His trains will transport the suits. British Rail meanwhile has removed seats from its economy class section to store water containers, purification equipment and pumps. "I've not seen anyone drinking water since I've been here," explained a Unicef ambassador, one of the first people to arrive in the area. "The people seem to live on fizzy drinks and alcohol. Oh, the humanity!"

The World breathed a collective sigh of relief later with the news that Bono has become involved in the campaign. "Celebrity is currency, and I want to spend myself in Cobridge," he said. "I love the work I do. It's a privilege to serve the poor. But we're not here today for a victory lap, we're here to overtake poverty. Because the situation in Cobridge is outrunning us. Every World era has its defining struggle and the fate of Cobridge is ours. And you know what's amazing? Everywhere I go, I see the same compassion as I see all over the world. And, increasingly, I see the same conviction that we can and we must join together to help Cobridge."

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, one of the first overseas politician to offer help to Cobridge, had some positive words. "The USA will be here today, tomorrow and for foreseeable future to overthrow any local warlords and to ensure peace here by any means necessary. I believe that Cobridge can come back even better and stronger in the future."

Jonathan Wilkes has announced that he will be hosting a telethon to help raise funds. Stars confirmed for the show include Sting, Bono and Pete Waterman. Robbie Williams will pre-record a message of good luck to Jonathan Wilkes for the show.

Cobridge Update

Thousands are spending a second night without phone lines or broadband access.

The first UN aid boats have come up the River Trent to provide much needed cigarettes and scratch cards to businesses hit hard by the disaster.

Freelance photographer Gil Trusthouse told Signal Gold radio that he saw a roadblock formed by teenage chavs. "They charged a fiver to let me through," he said. "This is clearly a call for help, an act of anger against God and Government," he added.

BBC Stoke reporter Percival Cok has said that the situation in Cobridge was becoming increasingly desparate, with no sense of a co-ordinated clean-up effort, and scant oatcake supplies and alcohol only trickling in.

This afternoon, officials at the UN have said that 10 of its 100 people based in the city have yet to report after going out into the city last night.

The US has been among those sending rescue packs by plane, although there are reports they have been mistakenly dropping wanted posters of Fidel Castro instead.

Prime Minister David Cameron has been quick to respond to the situation. "I think the harrowing area of Cobridge being broadcast on people's TV screens brings home to everyone the sheer scale of suffering that the people of Stoke go through," he said.

Nick Clegg also added his thoughts on the situation. "Broadcasting the harrowing area of Cobridge on people's TV screens brings home the sheer scale of suffering through which the people of Stoke are going."

Dramatic stories of survival and courage have began to emerge. Police have pulled fity-year-old Phil Machin from his shed, where he had been trapped for two hours after a leak in the roof caused the door lock to jam. His magazine collection is said to be "decimated". Elsewhere, efforts to rescue survivors trapped in a Yates's Wine Lodge in Cobridge have so far proved unsuccessful, with efforts being done by locals with simple tools or with their bare hands. Spirits are said to be low with those trapped inside.

Meanwhile, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has asked for donations of clothes and money. "The locals have been reduced to wearing tracksuits and hoodies on a daily basis," he explained. "It's terrible. We have to help."

Tragedy In Cobridge

There are reports of substantial damage in Stoke-on-Trent after the recent devastating rainfall and medium-strength winds. The epicentre of the heavy showers was in the densely populated area of Cobridge.

Phone lines to the town were cut off during the downpour, which was followed by two further short bursts of rain. The extent of the damage was initially unclear.

As dawn broke this morning, the toll of the rain fall started to become clearer. The first pictures show city streets strewn with litter and lots of dilapidated buildings.

Local Concillor Ken "Fish" Burgess described Cobridge as "a mess". "Sheds have collapsed, outdoor vending machines have fallen and grids are overflowing," he added.

Witnesses have reported fighting on the streets, but no sign of any significant relief effort so far. The Red Cross has warned of difficulties in providing emergency aid because of tailbacks on the M6.

The civilian head of the United Nations was told about Stoke and is said to be "appalled". In Washington DC, President Obama has been shown photographs of Cobridge. He gave "unconditional support" to the people of Cobridge for what he called the "cruel and incomprehensible conditions in which they are forced to live".

Young “Stoners” No Longer Dream Of Stoke

For decades, young people from the arid region of Stone, south of Stoke, would have made the journey north to Stoke to find work and a mate. But not this year or for this generation: a better future across the border is a promise they no longer trust.

“For years, we dreamed of Stoke, but now that dream has turned sour, like milk left in the desert,” says 18-year-old Bilbo Fuentes, sitting outside the saloon in the middle of Stone’s town centre. “There are no jobs and too many problems. We don’t want to go.”

In an historic shift, the tide of immigration from Stone to Stoke has stalled. Between 2005 and 2010, 3,400 “Stoners” (people from Stone) immigrated to Stoke, normally as soon as they finished school or college.

Potential migrants say that racial discrimination and hostility, efforts to deny employment, education and healthcare are factors, as is increased exposure to arrest and deportation.

“The reason they’re coming home is because they have no options and the people are more aggressive,” says Richard Garcia, a deputy sheriff in Stone. “It’s complicated, and people are debating it. If they don't have friends in Stoke and they have to pay for housing, it’s not worth it.”

For Stoners already in Stoke, the decision to return is still fraught with uncertainty. “But at least here they have the option of food and shelter, and they suffer less than in Stoke,” says Garcia.

Economic improvement in Stone, coupled with declining fertility rates (from an average of eight children per woman in 1980 to just over two now) suggests that Stone may soon no longer have a surplus workforce.

Hardened Stoke attitudes toward “foreigners” is keenly felt. Ken Chicharito, a saloon pianist, describes how his brother (from Stone) worked eight years at the same fast food outlet in Stoke. “One morning the police came and searched everyone. He had no papers so they took him to the airport and deported him to Pakistan. Now he's working in the construction industry over there.”

The choice to stay in Stone appears to have little to with the ongoing militarisation of the Stoke-Stone border that started in the mid-1980s. The border now costs £3.5million annually in fence construction and technology that includes drones, sentry guns, motion sensors and claymores. But, it seems, the measures do not in themselves dissuade migrants. “We will always get over if we want to,” says one of the young men in Stone. “If there were better opportunities in Stoke, we would go.”

Stoke To London: "We Don't Want Your Cockney Rejects"

Anger errupted like a volcano across Stoke today with news that the city of London is trying to house its unwanted citizens in Stoke!

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/plans-to-house-londons-poor-in-stoke-attacked-as-social-cleansing-7676065.html

"This is ridiculous," said proud Stokie Doris Ahmed, 99. "It's another example of the attempted cockneyfication of Britain. We don't want any filthy cockneys up here, they can stick to their own end."

The Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray agrees. "What part of the north-south divide don't soft southerners understand? We don't like you. Stay down there. We're happy in the 'grim north'. Send them to France. They're soft, racist, stuck in the past, and think that  they're the best at everything, just like cockneys. They'd fit right in there."

Mayor of London, Boris Johnson

Local celebrity medium Crystal O'Future has taken a more cautious approach to the news. "If BoJo [Boris Johnson] and DadCam [David Cameron] want us to take their trash, what's in it for us? Ever since Thatcher, the Tories have systematically destroyed Stoke's business centres with their economic policies towards mining and the manufacturing industry. Now they want us to help them out? Johnson and Cameron can go *uck themselves right up their own *ucking b*ll*cks, the *other*uckers!"

Carnival Time In Stoke!

23 April is always the biggest party day of the year in Stoke, and yesterday was no exception!

Normally held to celebrate St George's Day, this year's Stoke Carnival also celebrated the 30th anniversary of the ZX Spectrum home computer, still year-on-year the biggest selling computer in Stoke.

The carnival passes through Burslem,
amongst other places...

Even in a time of economic crisis, numbers are expected to be up – largely boosted by domestic tourism. Some 720,000 revellers are thought to have attended yesterday, a slight increase over last year's 710,000.

Massive ranks of seating and barriers are constructed along the route taken by competing street dance crews. The crews start major dress rehearsals (superb parties in themselves) after Christmas (having been practicing since last carnival's end!). In Stoke-upon-Trent, in the massive purpose-built buildings where the floats are prepared, preparations are underway months in advance and there are even international volunteering organisations bringing people to Stoke specifically to help set up infrastructure for the carnival.

...and ends in Hanley with a mass tribute to
Peter Crouch's famous robot dance

This year's carnival was a relatively peaceful affair, enjoyed by all. Only 32 stabbings and 15 deaths were reported, a new record low for the festival. Peter Crouch and Anthea Turner were named this year's King and Queen of the Carnival!

Political Prisoner Freed

One of Stoke’s most prominent political prisoners has for the first time described conditions in the notorious gulag camps at HMP Werrington where hundreds of pro-democracy activists have been incarcerated as Stoke College cracks down on dissent.

“For much of my time I was kept in solitary confinement,” said the 18-year-old. “But when they moved me to a cell it was forbidden to talk to me. If someone started to speak to me, they would immediately be thrashed and moved into worse conditions or sent to another gulag.”

Mr Skankton was one of the most popular opposition candidates to stand against Alex Bryantic in the disputed September 2011 Stoke College Student President elections. When protests broke out over claims of voting fraud, President Bryantic responded with a brutal crackdown that led to hundreds of arrests, widespread torture and the imprisonment of almost all those who ran against him.

Although some opposition students fled, were eventually freed or were placed under less restrictive house arrest, Mr Skankton and many others were sentenced to long jail terms after trials that were described by observers as little more than a sham. In the run-up to those trials many, including Mr Skankton, alleged that they were tortured by Stoke College’s secret police, which uses the name the SGB.

The release of Mr Skankton at the weekend, along with that of best mate Kenton Mammory, came as a surprise to many observers and was hailed as a sign that the diplomatic pressure is working. But Mr Skankton warned against making concessions to the Student President’s regime until all political prisoners are released.

“We have to continue because there are a lot of my friends and people who suffer for political reasons in prison today in Stoke,” he said. “They have to be released immediately, all of them, and unconditionally. The authorities at Stoke College don't understand any other language.”

Mr Skankton and Mr Mammory owe their release to their decision to seek a pardon from Stoke’s council of elders, an authority higher than that of student president. However, this allows the city council to emphasise that they have admitted their guilt and that they have been magnanimous in releasing them.

Skankton said he was determined to remain in Stoke but that he was under no illusions about what kind of college he had returned to. “The situation has become really difficult here now. After the elections the power machine stopped pretending and declared openly that there is a dictatorship at the college. The consequences are felt every day. I’m even considering moving from the Cauldon campus to the Burslem one where there’s a lot less hassle.”

Fire Service Use Forklift Trucks To Rescue Obese People

Five firemen from Hanley Fire Station have injured their backs and muscles while trying to manoeuvre overweight people in the past two weeks, it has been reported. It resulted in a total of 13 working days being lost as the injured officers recovered.

Now crews in Hanley are using forklift trucks to rescue fat people from fires and falls and to help the ambulance service move patients to hospital.

A report commissioned by Stoke City Council found overweight people at putting their lives at risk and diverting fire crews from attending more pressing 999 calls.

It noted: "Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service crews have had a number of firefighters injured while carrying out such rescues, usually muscular skeletal injuries, including back and muscle strains. As with any emergency situation, the risk for injury to staff is minimised but the rescue of people in these circumstances tends to be problematic due to the limited space in traditional houses, especially hallways and stairs."

Oatcake Company's Profit Warning

Stoke-based oatcake and pikelet manufacturer OatCorp stunned the Stoke Stock Exchange and investors today by admitting it had got its sums wrong when forecasting its profit performance for the year. The company warned that profits will be much lower than the City expected and said it had made a “mathematical error” in its business calculations.

The company's shares slumped by a third as it admitted profits for the year to the end of this month will be around £10,000, some distance short of the predicted figure of £437 million.

Some oatcakes

Kevin Featherline, a retail analyst at Keele University, described the update as the company “having dropped a bollock”. He said: “We had put faith in the company’s heartwarming growth story but are placing our estimates and recommendation under review after this latest issue.”

The company made a sparkling start to life on Stoke's stock market in 2010 but it scaled back its profit expectations as recently as February when it said its 376 outlets in Staffordshire had had a weak start to the calendar year.

Stoke Ready To Step In Should Bahrain GP Be Cancelled

The Bahrain Grand Prix should be cancelled, says Stoke BNP councillor Daz Winkle, and replaced with the Stoke Grand Prix!

As the Gulf state braces itself for further violent demonstrations following months of political unrest, Cllr Winkle said British Formula One stars Jason Buttons and Neil Hamilton should not take part in the controversial three-day event. He said: “It shouldn’t go ahead, I don’t think British drivers should go, I think the Formula One should not go ahead in Bahrain, now or ever. Stoke is ready to step up to the plate.”

Fellow councillor Beffy Hardcastle said the tracks of the Middle Eastern race circuit were “stained by the blood of the people who are asking for a vote”. Speaking on Signal Gold, he said: “There is blood on the tracks and anyone who drives over then will never be forgiven. There is no such blood on the streets of Stoke, and so the Grand Prix should be moved here.”

Earlier this week, Amnesty International said human rights violations are continuing in the Gulf kingdom despite government promises that the country is on the road to reform. It has yet to comment on human rights abuses in Stoke.

But British F1 star Jefferson Buttons has refused to become embroiled in the issue. When asked about the situation, the McLaren driver said: “You are here interviewing me as a driver and that’s exactly what I am going to talk about - motor racing. Either that, or my shampoo adverts.”

Death Row Inmates Lose "Last Meal" Privilege

Prisoners on death row at HMP Werrington will no longer be able to request a special last meal!

The new rule is all thanks to the execution of BNP-supporting white supremacist Dwayne Cockshaft-Smith who was put to death by lethal chair on Tuesday night. According to a death row “insider”, he ordered a very large meal and then chose to barely touch a thing on his place. The Daily Oatcake says his meal included: 2 chicken fried steaks in oatcakes, a quadruple-meat bacon cheeseburger, a multipack of cheese wotsits, a large bowl of boiled badger eggs and a bottle of ‘reggae reggae sauce’, with a loaf of white bread on the side. For dessert, he wanted a pint of ice cream with 6 pikelets.

Some pikelets

Cockshaft-Smith isn’t the first inmate to pull such a stunt and now Tory councillor for Trentham Roy Bargepole says: “Enough is enough. It is extremely inappropriate to give a person sentenced to death such a privilege, it’s nothing short of political correctness gone mad. Or health and safety gone mad. I forget which one.”

Prisoners on death row in HMP Werrington will be served the same food as other prisoners on the day of their execution. And if they decide not to eat their last meal? Then they will simply go without a main meal and will have to make do with the sweet dispensers in their cell. As for second helpings, that issue was not addressed.

Union Calls Strike

Workers in Stoke's food production are to strike for 72 hours next week in a dispute over pensions and benefits.

The Oatcake, Pikelet and Pork Pie Union (OPPU) has said its members will walk out at 4:59pm on tuesday until the same time on Friday, when they will work the remaining 1 minute of the day before going home for the weekend.

Michael Aspel supports the workers

The dispute is over union demands that all food industry workers in Stoke, including those employed by the city council involved in the production of cupcakes, pasties and sausage rolls, should be allowed to join the union and receive the same pension and benefits as their members, something the city council opposes.

OPPU general secretary Roy Harbinger said: "OPPU members have delivered a mandate for action. This dispute is about equality for workers in Stoke. Our members have no choice but to strike. That is all."

Council spokesman Ali Bongo disagrees. "A strike on this issue is about as unnecessary as another 'Transformers' movie," he says. "But, should the strike go ahead, we have plans in place to bring in emergency supplies from Wright's Pies in Crewe. No-one will go hungry in this city, not on my watch."

Rooftop Protest At HMP Werrington

The prison service is interviewing the hardened crims detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure at HMP Werrington to find ringleaders of a rooftop protest which ended about 3pm today. The masked inmates, armed with weapons such as a soap bar-in-a-sock, staged a seven-hour rooftop protest – to demand better food and range of satellite TV stations.

Clive Muffblaster, chairman of the Prison Officer's Association, blamed prison overcrowding for the protest. "It appears once again that overcrowding has resulted in serious problems in the pokey. Urgent action must be taken to reduce the current prison population, build more prisons, or introduce the death penalty to thin out the number of crims we already have before further disturbances occur."

HMP Werrington, today

He said staff at the jail blamed the incident on pressure arising from accommodating streams of crims from Longton, currently home to vicious warfare between gangs from North and South Longton.

One prisoner told The Daily Oatcake: "We are protesting because of the way they treat us here. It is a disgrace and the food is terrible. There's no 'haute cuisine', the vegetables are not fresh enough, or organic, the meat is not free range and the truffles served up on Saturday nights are a disgrace."

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks had predicted the early end to the siege: "Once they get bored and cold they will soon be down. 'Facejacker' is on tonight."

Councillor Suspended

Stoke councillor Roy Carper has been suspended by the city council while it investigates reports that he offered a £1m "bounty" for the capture of Port Vale manager Micky Adams.

He was said to have offered the money for the capture of Mr Adams and his predecessor as Scamps manager, Jim Gannon.

A typical Stoke disco

Stoke's Daily Oatcake newspaper said the remarks were made at a hog roast and disco on Friday. It said the peer called Port Vale's debt to the council "an insult to all Stokies".

"If the Scamps can piss away £1m of council money, I can announce a bounty of £1m on Micky Adams and his predecessor Jim Gannon," Councillor Carper is reported to have said.

He added that he would sell his hovercraft to fund it if necessary, according to the newspaper.

Woman Killed By Badger

A Goldenhill woman is believed to have been killed by a badger in a field close to Goldenhill Golf Course. The 50-year-old's body was discovered in the field in Birchenood Road at about 10am yesterday, Staffordshire Police said.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said the death of the woman, from Goldenhill, is not being treated as suspicious.

Actual badger elsewhere

He said the badger had not been put down following the discovery of the woman's body.

He added: "The woman's body was found in a field in Birchenood Road at around 10am on Friday April 13. Staffordshire Police are preparing a report for the coroner. It is believed that a badger in the field where the body was found may have caused her death when defending her eggs."

Welcome To Stoke City Resort

Stoke City have revealed plans to build a $1bn holiday resort in the United Arab Emirates that is due to open in September 2014.

Stoke City Resort Island will be supported by the government of the UAE. A presentation at the Britannia Stadium showed plans for sports facilities, a marina, luxury hotels, villas, an amusement park, a club museum, a futuristic 10,000-seat stadium with one side open to the sea and a giant statue of Peter Crouch.

The planned Stoke City Resort Island

"It is a decisive and strategic step that will strengthen our institution in the Middle East and Asia," said Stoke City spokesman Dave Box. "Stoke City Resort Island will be a major tourist and sporting centre of great dimensions and the highest level. This extraordinary complex will attract millions of people looking for quality leisure services."

The 440,000 square metre facility is expected to attract around one million visitors in 2015. Stoke City have said the artificial island's location put it equidistant between Europe and the far east, adding that more than half of the world's Premier League followers were based in Asia.

North Longton's Rocket Fails

North Longton's much anticipated bottle rocket launch has ended in failure, splintering into pieces over the A50 soon after lift-off. The reclusive Stoke ward admitted today in an announcement on Signal Gold radio that a "satellite of love" launched hours earlier failed to enter into orbit in the skies around Stoke. Fenton and South Longton also declared the launch a failure.

The bottle rocket - seen by many as a banned test of firework technology - was launched from north-west Longton early on Friday.

Fenton, Trentham and South Longton say it flew only for a short time before breaking up and crashing. North Longton said its party planning committee were assessing what had caused the failure. North Longton says the aim of the launch was to put a smile on people’s faces, but Fenton and other Stoke wards say the launch constituted a test of firework technology banned under city council resolutions.

In a statement, city council elders condemned the launch, despite its failure. Darts champion Phil “Fingers” Taylor called the launch deplorable.

The city council is due to meet later at a hog roast and disco to discuss the launch. Chell Heath, North Longton's closest ally, has called for calm and restraint on the Longton peninsula.

“North Longton's attempt at a firework display is a clear breach of the city council resolution,” said council spokesman Mick Miller. “The resolution prohibits any launch using fireworks unless a special license has been granted, like for a birthday party or on bonfire night, for example.”

The bottle rocket's failure is an embarrassment for North Longton’s leaders. It will also come as a relief to other Stoke wards who are worried about North Longton's potential to develop other long range fireworks.

South Longton’s leaders said that North Longton's behaviour was of concern to the whole of Stoke. "Despite the failure of its attempted firework launch, North Longton's provocative action threatens peace and quiet and contravenes its own recent commitments to stop dicking about," spokesman Dave Hill said.

North Longton conducted a similar bottle rocket launch after a dinner party in 2009. On that occasion, South Longton analysts said the rockets failed to go off properly - but North Longton said it was a success and its guests were “well impressed”.

Ceasefire In Longton

UN chief Ban Ki-moon and his envoy were encouraged that a ceasefire appears to be holding in Longton, but urged rival chav groups to keep their promises and said a single incident could derail the fragile peace.

Mr Ban told a news conference in Hanley that it is the responsibility of warring street urchins to keep their promise and hold to a ceasefire. "As of this moment the situation looks calmer. We are following it very closely," Mr Ban said.

"The world is watching, however, with sceptical eyes, since many promises previously made by teen chavs in Longton have not been kept. The onus is on the rival gangs to prove that their words will be matched by their deeds at this time," he said.

Shortly after the 10am deadline passed this morning, there was no sign of wedgies or knock-a-door-run attacks in Longton. But a Longton news agency said "six or seven chavs" launched a roadside egging that embarrassed a local nerd.

"This ceasefire process is very fragile. It may be broken any time," Mr Ban said. "We are just hoping the ceasefire lasts until the kids go back to school next week."

Asbo For Hovercraft Thief

A hovercraft thief has received an Asbo banning him from touching any hovercraft he doesn’t own for three years. Ryland Ricketts, 13, faces a lengthy jail sentence if he is caught handling or driving a hovercraft unless he has documents proving that he is the owner.

It is the first time that such a restriction has been placed on a hovercraft thief caught by Staffordshire Police’s hovercraft task force. Officers today asked the public to contact them if they spot Ricketts breaching the terms of his ban.

Ricketts, from Bentilee, had the Asbo imposed by Fenton magistrates after being caught attempting to steal a hovercraft at Lake Burslem. He was also placed under a three-month curfew and given a supervision order for 18 months.

A hovercraft on Lake Burslem

An accomplice, Steve Mailman, 12, also from Bentilee, was jailed for six weeks in a maximum security facility after being convicted of theft. Both were caught red-handed by the police’s hovercraft task force during a police barbecue at Lake Burslem.

Mailman was spotted loitering around a decoy hovercraft for several hours and was joined by Ricketts, who cut the lock securing the hovercraft to a cardboard cutout of Port Vale manager of Micky Adams. Ricketts was detained immediately while Mailman attempted to escape on a yacht but sailed straight into the path of a police pedalo.

Barry Shanks, police spokesman, said: “This is a significant decision of the court which has resulted in harsh sentences for these ne'er-do-wells. Hovercraft theft is a crime that can have a considerable impact on victims and we will continue to target those involved.”

The hovercraft task force, set up in 2010 with funding from Stoke City Council, has made more than 2 arrests since its inception.

Stoke Better Than London Admit Cockneys

Cockneys have conceded Stoke is a superior city to London, an astonishing new tourism survey reveals today. Officials responsible for selling cockney attractions to the world say visitors would be better off heading to Stoke.

Cockneys have regularly boasted that nowhere beats their restaurants, pavement cafés and tourist attractions, such as the Tower of London. But now Stoke is accepted as the more impressive city in every aspect, from its cuisine and taxis to its landmarks such as the statue of Sir Stanley Matthews and the Potteries Centre.

London, yesterday

The survey, which graded 116 criteria ranging from road signposts to the quality of museums, found that very few people in Stoke could respond to any other European language beyond English.

Public transport in London is considered particularly poor, with tickets difficult to buy and the roads old and dirty. Furthermore, the chances of getting stabbed on any given day in London are around 50% in some areas.

City of London spokesman Jamie Dalrimple said: "The survey reflects reality. London is a shithole and there are definite improvements to make."

Scientists Replicate The Sounds Of Stoke

A team from the University of Central Lancashire in Preston have used physics and mathematics to replicate the natural sounds of Stoke.

They have also modelled the effects of atmospheres, pressures and temperatures on the human voice in Stoke, and found that a cockney in Stoke would sound like a Smurf.

Some typical Londoners. Note the bad dress
sense and inbred-looking faces.

Professor Bob Knieval, of the university's Institute for Sound and Noise Research, said: "We are confident of our calculations. We have been rigorous in our use of physics taking into account atmospheres, pressure and fluid dynamics. In Stoke, the pitch of your voice would become much deeper. That is because the city's dense atmosphere means that the vocal cords vibrate more slowly. However, the speed of sound in the Stoke is much faster than it is in London, and this tricks the our brain so that when we hear a cockney voice from London, they sound like Smurfs."

Despite many years of sound research, the scientists have no evidence of any cockneys ever visiting Stoke and their test results are only hypothetical.

Camera Veritas

Check out my new photo blog, "Camera Veritas":

http://cameraveritas.blogspot.com

Here is a sample of the kind of quality pictures you can see there:

"Turn Left" by Monty deschanel

And have a happy Easter! That is all.

Council May Publish Elders' Tax Information

Stoke City Council are committed to transparency will disclose whether council elders earn more than the threshold for the top level of income tax, says council spokesman Phil Collins.

The city council has faced widespread criticism for giving themselves pay rises while the 50p tax rate was cut and while regular Stokies have been hit hard with the so-called “pasty tax” on the sale of the hot baked goods, a staple food in Stoke.

Collins says: “We are not in a daily popularity contest but Stoke is in a daily business contest with the rest of the world. I think the council is helping Stoke to win that contest.”

Collins insists that council elders and he are “in touch” with ordinary people and claims that accusations they live in a “different world” are simply “the usual charge from the usual lefty-commie bastards”.

Collins says: “The council elders have been at the forefront of transparency, we are far more transparent about the way councils operate. Just the other day we published figures showing how much is spent annually on hog roasts. Do you think any cockney coumcils would do that? Didn't think so."

Mr Collins refuses to clarify the current status of his own tax affairs, but says he's "so rich I'm shitting cash".

5 Pensioners Taken To Hospital After Illegal Street Race Crash Disaster Mayhem

Ambulance crews were called to the scene of a crash in Festival Park in the early hours of the morning after a mobility scooter collided with a wall.

Five pensioners were taken to the University Hospital of North Staffordshire following the crash during an illegal street race at 2.15am.

Four ambulances, a paramedic officer in a rapid response vehicle and a trauma doctor were sent to the scene.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "Ambulance crews responded to a mobility scooter in collision with a wall at Festival Park during the early hours of this morning.  A female driver of the mobility scooter was treated for chest and leg injuries. A further female suffered a pelvic injury. Both patients were taken to hospital. Three other patients, a male and two females, were treated for minor injuries and were also taken to hospital for further assessment and treatment. These illegal street races need to stop. Pensioners are out of control in Stoke-on-Trent. I propose martial law."

Staffordshire University Expresses Fears About Gove's Plans To Reform A-Levels

Staffordshire University has expressed concern over education secretary Michael Gove's plans to ask members of the public to set A-level exams in two years' time, claiming that the system is "not broken".

Gove has written to the qualifications watchdog Ofqual, on scented paper, calling for exam boards and ministers to "take a step back" from dictating the content of the exams.

Instead, members of the public will be allowed to set questions and deciding what topics students will need to know. Schools will be advised to put their pupils in for only those A-levels that have been approved by the the public.

Michael Gove, today

"I am increasingly concerned that current A-levels, though they have much to commend them, fall short of commanding the level of confidence we would want to see," Gove's letter to Ofqual states. "In line with allowing members of the public to create their own schools, we will now allow them to set A-level questions."

But Staffordshire University said setting A-level questions was a "much more complex task than letting a few knuckleheads come up with questions off the top of their idiot heads".

"I fear that some of Gove's concerns are based on some dream he had that idiots know better than experts," said university spokesman Ken Lick. "I doubt that white van men are better placed than exam boards to undertake the highly complex task of setting examinations for many thousands of 18-year-olds."

Murdoch Quits As Signal Gold Chairman

Barry Murdoch has stepped down as chairman of Signal Gold Radio seven weeks after giving up a similar role at The Daily Oatcake newspaper saying he "could become a whipping gimp" for criticism of the radio station, in the wake of condemnation of his handling of The Daily Oatcake phone-hacking scandal.

The 59-year-old felt he needed to give up a position to avoid the risk of being forced to quit should he be severely criticised by a forthcoming report from Stoke City Council elders into the scandal.

Writing to the listeners of Signal Gold, Barry was seen as the heir presumptive to his father Terry Murdoch until last summer's revelations about the hacking of people's phones, said: "As attention continues to be paid to past events at The Daily Oatcake, I am determined that the interests of Signal Gold should not be undermined by matters outside the scope of this company."

Although Murdoch will hang on to his position a "fun consultant" of Signal Gold, the move caps a retreat by Barry from Hanley to Cannock where he hopes to rebuild his career as Oatcake Corporation's number three, behind his father and Kenin Burgess.

Local councillor Biff Kruger used the latest resignation to harden up his position on media owernship. Kruger said: "Terry Murdoch owns too many newsagents and cornershops in Stoke. Never again must we allow any individual or organisation to acquire such a concentration of power when it comes to media ownership."

Woman Told To Work As Hooker Or Lose Benefits

A Stoke woman who turned down a job providing "services'' at a massage parlour in Cobridge faces possible cuts to her unemployment benefit under laws introduced by the current government.

Kelly Holdcroft, an unemployed information technology professional, had said that she was willing to work in a bar at night and had worked in a cafe.

Could this be a massage parlour?

She received a letter from the Jobcentre telling her that an employer was interested in her "profile'' and that she should ring them. Only on doing so did the woman realise that she was calling a massage parlour.

Under the government's benefit reforms, anyone who has been out of work for more than a year can be forced to take any available job offered to them or lose their unemployment benefit.

When Ms Holdcroft looked into suing the Jobcentre, she found out that it had not broken the law. Jobcentres that refuse to penalise people who turn down a job by cutting their benefits face legal action from the potential employer.

Police Warn People To Check Their Drugs

Sue Ball, 50, was none too pleased to discover the crack cocaine she bought was actually plain old sugar! The Burlsem woman was not about to be ripped off, and called the police to report her dealer!

Ball called Staffordshire Police to report her dealer for theft, telling them she paid £30 for crack cocaine and was given sugar instead.

Some sugar

Ball asked the officers to arrest her dealer for theft and also asked them to secure a refund for her. She also reported the dealer to the Office of Fair Trading.

Officers went to the address where Ball claimed she had purchased the crack but the residents denied selling drugs and refused to allow officers into their home. The police officers decided to call it a night as their shift was nearing an end.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "People need to check what they've bought is the real deal. Only buy from a dealer you trust."