Crouchy To Get Bravery Award

Stoke City Council has announced that it will award Peter Crouch Stoke's highest award for bravery, the Victoria Ground Cross.

The award is announced after it was revealed that Crouchy lost two teeth (and may later lose a third) during the Carling Premiership match against Newcastle Tigers on Wednesday night.

"Our thoughts go out to Crouchy at this difficult time after his tragic loss," said councillor Jinky Watkins. "Our hopes and prayers are with him and his lovely missus."

You Couldn't Make It Up

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's leading thinker.

I'm sick of these shaven-headed, loose-trousered, teenage scrotes I see hanging around on our street corners on a daily basis, smoking "blunts" and drinking "voddy" and red bull like it's going out of fashion. It's about time we brought back National Service for these bog-eyed, slack-jawed, free-loading, fuck-brained wastrels who are collecting ASBOs and shitting out kids like it's going out of fashion. Let's get some discipline into these ugly, dick-handed, sparrow-arsed bastards by smacking them about for a year or two under the tutelage of "our brave boys" in the army. That'll wipe the smug, shit-munching grin off those spotty, gash-mouthed, twat-nosed fucktards.

I see that some droopy-titted, lightswitch-nippled, cock-eyed, hippie left-wing council or other in Yorkshire has told a couple of foster parents they can't look after anymore nippers because they're members of UKIP. You couldn't make it up. And if you did, everyone would think you're a right bender. This is what you get when you vote the loony left into power, like I didn't know that already. People in Stoke beware: this could happen here if you keep voting in that lot of commie bastards currently pissing onto our heads from their red ivory towers while laughing like cocks.

*Dick's latest sex manual, 'Sorting Out Your Woman, Good And Proper', is available now for Amazon Kindle, published by Dick Mellor Corp.

Entertainment Picks Of The Week

TV

Die Hard (Channel 4+1, Friday, 11pm)

The touching tale of a young black man's first day of work as a chauffeur. Also starring Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman. Rating: 4/5

Music

Pink Floyd: "Dark Side Of The Moon" (out now)

Available for just £8.99 in HMV in Hanley, this classic album is notable for being an unofficial soundtrack to film 'The Wiz'. Rating: 4/5

Radio

Wayne Biggins's 'White Album' Dissection (Signal Gold, Thursday, 8am)

In place of the usual breakfast show, Wayne Biggins instead dissects the classic Beatles album commonly known as "The White Album". Rating: 4/5

Stoke Man Gives Up Alcohol

It has been reported that a Stoke man has given up alcohol.

The unconfirmed story has sent shock waves throughout the city and has lead to panic buying of the Stoke's remaining alcohol supplies, now that there is in theory more to go around.

More news to follow.

Your Problems, Sorted Out.

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Terry, I'm currently seeing three different women at the same time and I don't know what to do - Dante Block, Trentham

This doesn't sound like a problem at all, in fact, it sounds like the opposite of a problem. Stop showing off.

My husband wants to take me to a swingers club and watch me have sex with loads of different men, but I don't want to do it - Sharon Conk, Hanley

Don't be afraid, this is a perfectly natural evolution within the union of marriage, it happens to us all at some point. If you love your husband, you will do it.

I'm scared that I might kill again, the voices keep telling me to do it, but I want to stop - The Penkhull Poisoner

It's always important to listen to what the little man inside tells you to do, and that's not me saying that, that is the reason Robin van Persie gave for joining Man Utd, and I think it holds true in life in general.

Crouchy Doppelganger Arrested

A man has been arrested in Stoke for impersonating Peter Crouch.

The man, Digger Barnes, from Bentilee, was eventually discovered enjoying a free stay at a massage parlour when a Crouch fan also present pointed out that the doppelganger was only 5 feet 8 inches tall while the real Crouch is an impressive 6 feet 7 inches.

It is believed that Barnes had enjoyed free drinks, hotel stays, restaurant visits and women while pretending to be Crouch, and recently performed the opening ceremony at a butcher's shop in Hanford.

Crouch is said to be impressed with the man's "gumption".

Page 3

Today's Page 3 girl is Sharon Treacle, 22, from Fegg Hayes.

Sharon is hopeful that the recent Middle East peace settlement can hold. "I hope and pray that Israel and the other lot can come together and find a peaceful solution to the current crisis," she says. "War there would destabilise the whole region."

To Me, To Stoke

Comedy pioneers The Chuckle Brothers have announced that they will be coming to Stoke's Regent Theatre on 13 April 2013. Details can be found here:

http://www.atgtickets.com/shows/the-chuckle-brothers/regent-theatre/

Here's hoping the Chuckles don't get caught up in the Jimmy Savile sex scandal and are able to perform their show.

Let's Bomb The Lot Of Them

By Dick Mellor, seeker of THE TRUTH.

I see that that lot of wrong-religioned nutters in the Middle East are at it again. Well, I for one think we should bomb the whole lot of them and be done with it. I'll happily press the button. They're both as bad as each other as far as I'm concerned. It's barren land anyway, I don't know why they're so bothered about it. If I learned one thing from the Bible, and I didn't, I learned everything, it's that you should build your house upon a rock, find a good foundation on a solid spot. Don't build your house upon sandy land, it's a waste of time.

I see also that more desperate fame-whores have been shipped off to a jungle in a former (and present?) prison colony for the amusement of onlookers. Normally, this would be a good thing, but not when it invades my TV screen in the form of 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' on ITV1. This lot of perverts should be left out there to rot as far as I'm concerned, or better still, let's drop a bomb on them. I'll happily press the button.

*Dick's latest pamphlet, 'Commies: How To Spot Them And How To Run Them Out Of Town Like Common Pigmies', published by Dick Mellor Publishing Corp., is available soon.

Business Experts Give Free Advice

Business leaders from across the world have come together to advise companies on best practise for organising office parties, events or extravaganzas.

The best course of action, according to the absolute best experts in the world, is for offices to set up a "party planning committee", made up of a committee head and two or three lesser members.

A party planning committee in action

"This is solid gold advice," said one world-class expert. "Only an idiot would not take this on board. A proper fupping idiot."

"Most events in the workplace are currently organised by mongs," added a well-known business genius. "Having a proper committee helps to fight such egomaniacal lunatics and their boring ideas."