Hipsters Issue Beard Warning

The Hipster Council of Stoke (hCs) has advised that beards and tattoos are now too mainstream to be cool and should not be sported by its members.

"Literally every spaz you see has now got a beard and tats, it's time for us to move on," hCs spokesman Zachery Durden said. "And it's ok for me to use the word 'spaz', I'm using it an ironic way that no-one else will even understand for a year or two."

So what is going to be 'in' this coming winter?

"Dungarees, bow ties and lipstick for men," Monsieur Durden said. "We're looking at one or two other things as well. It's about time the centre parting/basin haircut combo had a revival and Clarks Shoes have been naff long enough now to be cool in an ironic way, but we've yet to decide on that definitively."

Stokecore Music

Stokecore is a broad fusion genre of music whereby any style of music is mixed with a Stoke sensibility and/or Stokie dialect to make something entirely new.

Pioneering Stokecore bands (included Baps Unlimited, The Fegg Gays and Hatecock) mixed heavy metal with Stoke. Later bands, such as Mr Peabodys Dinner, Bitches and The Derek Hulse Fan Club, mixed genres as wide as disco, reggae and mandopop (respectively) with Stoke to widen what Stokecore could be.

Local bands Pink Pole and Good Gravy are often credited with originating Stokecore in the underground scene before other bands took the idea on and made it mainstream. The Fegg Gays album 'Tar Duck' is cited as the first Stokecore album to hit number one in the local charts, and is often referred to as "the album that influenced a generation". Baps Unlimited (feat. Mick Bullock) scored the first Stokecore number one single with their anthem 'Slaughter at Boslem Gaol'.

Nowadays, as we all know, Stokecore is the dominant musical genre in the city. There is also an emerging Hardcore Stokecore scene, featuring artists who only record songs in the ancient Stoke language of Stokehili, that predates English by centuries, but is now only spoken by about 10% of Stokes population.

The Royal Wilkes Trail

The Royal Wilkes Trail is a hiking trail on the north rim of Knypersley reservoir, located at the very north of Stoke.

The paved trail begins in the car park at the southern end of Gracerock Road, better known as one of Knypersley's main dogging sites.

Knypersley Reservoir's northern shore

From the car park, the trail heads south west, along the reservoir, with signs describing the local flora and fauna, such as nettles and bulldogs. Viewpoints along the trail include The Whores Bath (a small pond), The Gay Window (a natural arch with flowers on it) and Bollock Pass (a path between two rocks).

Popular with tourists, the trail is around a mile in length, or about 894 Jonathan Wilkeses laid out in a line. Around 15 dead bodies were found dismembered along the route this morning, averaging about one every 107 metres. Police are not yet treating the deaths as suspicious, although this is subject to change according to the new Staffordshire Police terms and conditions announced yesterday.

Police Appeal For Witnesses

Barry The Clown

Police have appealed for witnesses after an incident yesterday that left a clown with a pie on his face.

Barry The Clown was entertaining at a children's garden party on Gash Road in Newstead when a cream pie was thrown into his face by one of the children, though by which one remains a mystery.

Staffordshire Police were called and detained the children for questioning. Under local laws, they can be held for 2 years without charge.

"We are determined to get to the bottom of this," police spokesman PC Barry Shanks said. "If any passers-by saw anything, now is the time to come forward. Clowns are people too and shouldn't be subject to these kind of calculated attacks. We are treating this as a hate crime."

Once the culprit is discovered, Barry The Clown plans on pressing criminal charges, and taking the case to a civil court to seek compensation.

Fegg Hayes Airfield

Fegg Hayes Airfield is a former wartime US Army Air Forces airfield used during WW2. It is now abandoned and used mainly as a hangout for layabouts, chavs and – occasionally – scroungers.

The airfield is located through the hedge behind the statue of Betty Paige on Humps Road in eastern Fegg Hayes. It was used by passing squadrons from early 1944 until June 1945 as a resupply point and "booty drop zone".

Fegg Hayes Airfield

Despite this, the leaders of what was then known as the Peoples Republic of Stoke declared that no Stokie women actually got pregnant by any of the American guests during the war.

"Aye, I looked after a few of the airmen when I wasn't on the frontline myself," land girl and royal marine Kaylee Hulse, now 98, said. "But their American gametes were much too weak to penetrate our tough working class Stokie ovaries, so they didn't get through thankfully. Everyone was a winner."

Skipper Grateful To The Boss

Stoke City soccer star Terry Skipper has opened up about his recent off-field problems.

In an emotional interview, that drove most who witnessed it to TEARS, Skipper said: "I won't go on about the specifics of my problems, literally everyone knows what they were, I don't need to go on about them anymore."

"I was at my lowest ebb," he continued. "Even lower than that time that video came out of me roasting those ladyboys with my posse while racially abusing them. Or the time I chucked some rotten eggs at a group of spastics. This was worse, but as I said, I don't want to keep going on about it, no-one wants to hear anymore about it."

"I went over to New Jersey and spent some time with 'the boss', Bruce Springsteen. He really helped me get myself together and move forward."

Short Story Competition: 1st Place

'Marilyn In Stoke' by Kevin Gout

Marilyn Monroe wiped her mouth. She had never had a man who tasted so good. Big Kev took his hands off Marilyn's head and placed them on top of his own, and leaned back.

He had travelled back in time from Stoke in 2015 to Los Angeles in 1962. His job was to kill Marilyn Monroe, but he had ended up falling in love with her.

He was the kind of guy the chicks loved. He was a real man. A straight-talker, a doer, with a grizzled face and a thick Stoke accent. Sure he drank too much, had a beer belly, thinning hair and dodgy knees, but if anything, this made the ladies love him more. These were the vulnerabilities that made him human to them.

He didn't need Marilyn, he had the cream of Stoke's women in 2015 waiting for him. But there was something about this crazy dame that got to him like no-one else had, not for a long time.

He had started to formulate a plan. It was so crazy it might just work. He would find a Marilyn doppelganger and leave her in Marilyn's deathbed in 1962, and take Marilyn back with him to the present. The real question though, was not if Stoke was ready for Marilyn Monroe, but was Marilyn Monroe ready for Stoke?

Short Story Competition: 2nd Place

'God Barry' by Barry Machin

As Barry drew the sword from his pathetic wife's now lifeless corpse, laughing as he wiped the blood on the terrible pink curtains he had had to put up with in his bedroom (and it was his bedroom, he had paid for the house with his money) for all these years, he realised: I am a God.

Barry went downstairs and opened a beer. If he wanted to drink during the day, he could now. There was no-one to stop him. He could go to the football now, every Saturday – home and away. Finally get that moustache he always wanted. Everything was coming up Barry.

Short Story Competition: 3rd Place

'Oatcake vs Pikelet' by Terry Hooch

"There's no place in Stoke for sweet foods," the oatcake said to the pikelet. "This is a savoury town and I'm a savoury treat. Just the way the people like it."

"Get lost granddad!" the pikelet replied. "You're past it. Yesterday's news. The youngins of today want something sweet, round and firm, not something old and floppy like you!"

"When I were a lad, youngins knew they're place and respected their elders," the oatcake said.

"Yeah well this ain't Downton Abbey, daddio," the pikelet laughed, and did some street dancing to the oatcake to flaunt his youth in his savoury face.

The oatcake pulled out a gun and shot the pikelet dead. He knew the police would do nothing. Oatcakes ruled Stoke and everyone knew it.

Short Story Competition

The Stoke Literary Society has decided its winners of the Official 2015 Stoke Short Story Competition.

The top three writers all get ten pints of milk, with third place also getting a goat, second place a cow and the overall winner getting a white Vauxhall Nova.

The winning stories will be published here over the following days.

Autumn Music Preview

Music fans know that the biggest time of the year for new album releases is autumn, so let’s look ahead to this year's most anticipated releases!... by local artists.

Bev Collies – "Super Busy"

Bev is known simply as "The Voice" by local music fans, who include Stoke's ruling Council of Elders, for whom she has performed on numerous occasions at Stoke state functions.

On her new album, the third part of her so-called 'Burslem Trilogy', Bev explores the dark side of human relationships, including songs about her time as a mercenary in the Congo and her six failed marriages. The deluxe edition of the CD includes five additional different versions of Carly Rae Jepsen's classic 'Call Me Maybe', including the freeform jazz cover already a hit on Stoke's club scene.

Ted Stumpies – "1989"

Ted's eleventh studio album, released on his own record label Ted's Boutique, is a song-for-song remake of Ryan Adams's song-for-song remake of Taylor Swift's "1989" album.

"I'm a big fan of Ryan's music," Ted explained. "I've already covered his cover of Oasis's 'Wonderwall', so this seemed like a natural step in my musical progression."

The Farmer's Conundrum – "The Ballad of Dave Holdcroft"

Stoke's number one folk band, now that The Queensberry Rules have split up, release their third album this year in late October. It features a host of popular folk standards including 'The Milk Maid's Bison', 'Ballad of the Bald Beardsmith', 'Ye Olde Bastard and the Drunken Butcher', as well as original songs like 'The Ghosts of Burslem Aldi', 'The Green, Green Grass of Fenton' and 'O'er the Valley I Did Lose My Oatcake'.

Barry Money – "Live at HMP Werrington"

Hailing from the country music stronghold of Stockton Brook, Barry's latest album sees him perform for inmates on death row at Stoke's notorious HMP Werrington.

Dropping classics like 'Shotgun Sharon' and 'Girl Named Barry' into his set along with new jams like 'The Hangman's Nissan', the crowd lap up Barry's performance right up until the end of the set, when they go on the rampage, killing guards and roadies with feverish abandon. The sound of the riot itself is only available as a pre-order bonus track on the digital download from Apple's iTunes store.

Today's Sentinel Pulped Due To Printing Error

Three million copies of today's Evening Sentinel have had to be destroyed after a printing error lead to today's edition of The Daily Mail newspaper being printed off by mistake.

"This kind of thing happens all the time in the newspaper business," Sentinel editor-in-chief Barry Sentinel explained. "It's really not a big deal. Like, seriously."

"I only realised something was wrong when I noticed more pictures of posh society totty than normal," reader Scone Armatrading said. "I don't need to see bog-eyed girls with upturned werepig noses while I'm eating an oatcake."

"I didn't really see a difference," Peg Shifter commented.

"I thought it was funny there were no mentions of angry women from estates in Fegg Hayes getting ASBOs and shit," Big Dave Holdcroft added.

Copies of today's paper that were sold before the error was noticed have already become collector's items and are currently being sold on auction site eBay for thousands of pounds.

Kuntz Torn, But Happy

Gunther Kuntz

Stoke City 0-1 West Brom Baggies

The world's number one Tony Pulis lookalike, Gunther Kuntz, has declared himself happy with the result of yesterday's game at The Brit, but is sad for Stoke.

"I was Stoke fan for much years, so ja, I see both sides of the pastry on this one," Gunther said at the post-match press conference. "I am most happy for Tony. He deserve the luck."

Pulis's job was made much easier when Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, both of whom were foreigners.

"I was touched by the reaction Tony got from the Stoke fans before the game," Gunther added, referring to the standing ovation for the former Stoke and current Baggies manager. "Tony milked those teets for all of the love, I think it made the Stoke fans and players lose an edge or two, helping the Baggies win."

Swiss Day Ends In Disaster

Stoke's much vaunted Swiss day, held yesterday to welcome soccer star Xherdan Shaqiri to the city, ended in bloodshed when Stoke was invaded by warriors from Naples seeking revenge for their defeat by the Swiss in the War of the Seventh Coalition of 1815.

The day started as planned with Primark hosting a giant fondue party and triangles of Toblerone being given out in the city centre. This soon turned to bloodshed however when a Neapolitan tank rolled into the city centre and fired at revellers, killing dozens of people in tracksuits.

A platoon of soldiers followed the tank and laid waste to members of the public. Fortunately, a group of football hooligans, banned from following Stoke City to away matches, manned up and fought the Italian invaders.

The fighting was fierce but the Stokies eventually defeated the Neapolitans, sending them back to Italy with their tails firmly between their legs, where they belong.

Stoke To Go Swiss For The Day

Stoke City Council has announced that the city will "go Swiss" for the day this Saturday to celebrate the arrival of Swiss footballer Xherdan Shaqiri to the club.

"Xherdy is a top, top lad," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "It's fitting to welcome him to the city by sharing his Swiss heritage with the rest of the plebs who live here."

The celebration is being timed to coincide with Shaqiri's debut for the club away to Norwich City.

"Even though Stoke are away from home this Saturday, Stokies will get to do traditional Swiss things like eating fondue and drinking absinthe. Stoke will also go neutral for the day and not go to war with anyone," Cllr Watkins added. "We will also have a massive welcome card for Xherdy propped up against the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley for people to sign."

Transfer Gossip

Stoke City haven't been linked with Shaun Wright-Phillips this summer, something that soccerball fans are not happy about.

"It's become a tradition for us to be linked with the diminutive winger then not sign him," Stoke fan Gary Hammers said. "I don't know why it's not happening. He's out of contract, it would be easier than ever to link us to him, I don't know why no newspapers have made it up yet."

Former Stoke gaffer Tony Pulis, now manager of West Boing Baggies Brom, is a long term admirer of former Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, carrying a picture of the Ivorian in his wallet at all times. Drogba has been spotted in a chip shop in West Bromwich, fuelling rumours TP could finally get his man.

Port Vale are looking to shore up their canteen this summer and have been linked with an audacious move for Stanley Matthews Academy dinnerlady Phyllis Funk. "Phyllis serves an excellent mashed potato, something the Scamps are looking to bring to the club." A transfer fee of £500,000 is rumoured.

Peter Of Packmoor

Peter Of Packmoor was a significant translator of books in Stoke in the eleventh century.

Translating books from Latin into pictures, he made literature popular and accessible for the common man, and was hailed a hero of his time.

Also known as Peter The Perv, most of the books he translated were graphic in nature, or had extra graphic materials added to his translated version. His version of the bible is largely sexual in nature.

He is remembered in Stoke in a statue tribute, currently residing in the cellar of Hanley Cathedral, though it once sat proudly in the city centre, right about where the Sir Stanley Matthews statue is now.

EYE ON STOKE Nominated For Pulitzer Prize

Reader Doris Ahmed has nominated EYE ON STOKE for the prestigious Pulitzer Prize, regarded by many as the highest journalistic prize available in the world outside of Stoke.

Sending her nomination by post card to a PO Box address, Doris explains her nomination. "EYE ON STOKE always has top notch news in a top notch style. Their Peter Crouch coverage is superb. Overall: yes."

Despite being over 10o years old, Doris likes to keep up-to-date with the modern world. "I love the internet. It's pure filth. Nothing like this back in my day. If this is the kind of thing I get for having killed a bunch of Jerries in the two World Wars I fought in, then sign me up for some more. The Hun won't know what hit it. I'd love it if we beat them again, love it."

Bogdor Library

The Bogdor Library, situated just north of the Fegg Hayes Royal Botanical Gardens, is a rare example of a British 16th Century parish library.

Founded in around 1585 by Sir Bog Dorkins, it was established to provide an education for the choir boys of the local church, St Doug The Destroyers. It was later given to the church on a 750 year lease.

A large portion of the library still exists to this day and provides an insight into scholarship, religion and kiddy porn excused as art.

Most of the library's treasures are pictures of choir boys, in various states of athletic action and undress.

A definitive history of the Bogdor Library can be found in the book 'My choir boy likes to party all the time!' by Professor Hannah Stump-Bunting.

Wayne Biggins Winners

The monthly winners of the official Wayne Biggins drawing competition have been announced, and here they are.

"Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden

In first place is "Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden from Stockton Brook. He wins a signed picture of the man himself, a white Vauxhall Nova and entrance to the yearly champion of champions competition.

"Britannia Waynium" by Scott Barker

Second place is Scott Barker, with his picture "Britannia Waynium". Scott wins a year's supply of pikelets, courtesy of Munton's Pikelets.

"Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies

Third place is "Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies. Bev wins a date with a leading Wayne lookalike, after which she will be expected to put out.

"LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall

In fourth place is "LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall, aged 37. He wins nothing.

Beer Stop

Stoke City Council has confirmed that it plans to build off licences at all of the city's bus stops.

"Most bus stops I drive past are littered with beer cans," city councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "It seems that the city's bus users like their booze, so why not give them an outlet for them right there? Everyone's a winner."

Alcohol counsellor Sam Ronkers is not happy with the idea. "About 60% of Stoke's adults and 25% of kids are already alkies, I can't see this helping."

"This will create jobs and help booze hounds and layabout scroungers get easier access," Cllr Watkins added. "I don't see the problem here, I really don't. No bad can come from this."

Derbyshire Prepares Troops

Cleetus van Rumple, the president of Derbyshire, has refused to comment on reports that the county has been lining troops along its border with Staffordshire.

"They're clearly there," hiker Jenny  Shrimper said. "I was walking near the border and saw like twelve of them. They were looking up at the Sun and drooling like mongs."

"We dang not comment on dem matters of der warfare," President van Rumple told Nato via a comic strip.

"We're not concerned by this in the slightest," Barry Beagles, Stoke's city councillor for war said. "We're armed like bastards. Bring it on."

Personal Ads

Medium-sized, middle-aged woman with bubbly personality seeks man, any man, for good times and showers. Barbara, C34498.

Man, 55, seeks much younger woman for romantic strolls by Lake Burslem, candlelit meals and explosive sex. Crack smokers welcome. Barry, B14352.

Gary Barlow fan looking for Gary Barlow lookalike (classic era only) for Gary Barlow themed fun. No Robbie Williams fans please. Wendy, S44752.

Gay man seeks straight woman for fraudulent relationship to fool family and friends. If you have gay male friends I can bot that is a bonus. John, G51249.

Young person seeks good looking other young person for selfie photo sessions and maybe other stuff if we get the time. Must be good looking, I'll know if you're not. Chloe, J72256.

For Sale

Bamboo spanking stick

Made locally. Like new, only used a few times on soft surfaces. £55 ono. Tel: 01782 250147 and ask for Terry. Videos of it in use are available for demonstration purposes.

Necklace made of human teeth

Beautifully crafted by a master necklacier. Teeth are African in origin, like mankind itself. Necklace is from Argos. £75. E-mail: barryteethtime@gmail.com for pictures or purchase. Teeth not sold separately.

Gary Glitter CD collection

All of the leader's albums in one velvet-lined cardboard box. CDs are in excellent condition though the box is not tbh. A joy for any music fan. £200 plus postage. Will ship abroad, though not to Syria or Australia on moral grounds. Call Kenny on 01782 633955.

Giant badger egg

Once in a lifetime find, being sold to fund recent drug addiction. Quick sale preferred. £2,500 though will haggle. Tel Jamie on 07903642007. No time wasters PLEASE.

Springtime For JCVD And Stoke

The Stoke Film Club has laid out its programme for spring, which include a Jean-Claude Van Damme retrospective and various events to celebrate the career of the action movie star, known as the "muscles from Belgium".

As well as screenings of JCVD classics, events will be held to coincide with films. Plans include a tramp hunting contest for 'Hard Target' and face kicking contests for all of his other films.

"Every year, our line up gets better and better," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot says. "We have fast become this Britain's most dynamic film club. Long may it continue."

The first film of the season, 'Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning', will be projected onto the side of the BT building in Hanley.

SNP Election Hopes

The Stoke National Party [SNP] is making a final push ahead of the forthcoming general election, where it hopes to make big gains.

SNP leader Dougie Banters is to outline his party's election promises tomorrow at Disney World in Florida, where he is currently on holiday with his wife and girlfriend, should they win the election outright.

"We expect to win most if not all seats in Stoke," Mr Banters said in advance of the launch. "If that pattern continues nationwide, we should get all seats in parliament. This will put us in a prime position to govern Britain until we get bored of it, then push for independence from this god-forsaken country once and for all."

Mr Banters has refused to rule out joining a coalition, though his preference is to win outright.

Jelly Badgers FTW

The city-wide annual vote to find Stokies' favourite animal-shaped food has been held, with Jelly Badgers voted number one for the fifth consecutive year, marking a remarkable turnaround for the chewy treat.

"If someone had said to me seven years ago that Jelly Badgers would be popular ever again, I would have ripped their throat out, done a piss and a shit down the gaping throat hole, punched their tits out then written 'liar scum' on their head with a permanent marker pen. Then told them to shut up and stop lying," food expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Chef Barry Cockles said.

Chocolate monkeys were second in the poll and beef turtles third.

Middleport To Get Heritage Status

One of Stoke's least important towns has suddenly become one of its most important following news that has been granted world heritage status.

"Middleport will now be protected as a 1980s preservation zone. We've never seen such a perfect recreation or embodiment of the 'grim up north 1980s'," Henry Caecilius of UNESCO said. "It's quite remarkable, like going into the past via some sort of machine which can travel through time. I don't know if a name exists for such a hypothetical machine. But that's what it's like."

Main Street in Middleport, yesterday

"Strangely, we've never even tried to look like the 1980s," Middleport's mayor Bob Clacker said. "But we'll take the hand outs, aye."

"The only worry now is that we'll be unable to put satellite dishes up," Middleport resident Chardonnay Birchall said. "Unless they're square or some bollocks."

Cockneys Anger At Stoke Fans

Angry West Ham football fans have bombarded internet message boards with angry messages following last weekend's 1-1 draw with Stoke City.

The cockneys are angry that Stoke fans sang songs claiming sexual relations between cockney legend Saint Bobby Moore and famous pervert Sir Jimmy Savile.

"You're out of order, you slags," one cockney, Terry Nigels wrote.

"Fack right awf, you mugs," another cockney, Terry Punchcock, added.

"Apples 'n' pears, apples 'n' pears," Terry Pigmounter added. "Guv'nor. Cam to my gaff again spoutin' this bollocks and I'll cut yar facking nuts off, yer muppets."

Man Raised By Wolves Decides To Move To Stoke

A man raised in the wild by Wolves has decided to settle down in Stoke.

Burt Cok, who was purchased as a child at an orphan auction by Wolverhampton Wanderers FC, better known as Wolves, explained why. "I'm sick of living in the wilds of Wolverhampton," he said. "I need some civility and class in my life and that is why I've chosen Stoke. Wolverhampton is like the Wild West."

Cok bears no grudges against the Wolves. "To be fair, the Wolves were good to me," he added. "Steve Bull was like an uncle figure to me growing up. Good times."

Tickets Please

Local fans of band The Worzels are in for a once-in-a-lifetime treat as one of their best-loved tribute acts has announced it will be coming to the city.

The Wrongzels have confirmed they will be playing in the Wayne Biggins Suite at the Britannia Stadium on 23 April. Tickets are expected to sell out fast so get your tickets quick! A 50% reduction applies for Stoke City players.

Stoker AM

Stoke City fans prepared for their inevitable victory over Chelsea FC today by invading the TV studios of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports.

Wearing Stoke's traditional red and white stripe shirts, representing the club's beginnings as a hairdressers before becoming a football club, the lads from Stoke joined celebrity guests John Leguizamo, Mario Melchiot and some Man City fans or other no-one cares about.

One of the lucky fans even got to have eggs cracked over his head by Mario and John, every pervert's dream.

Fenton Fenton Born In Fenton

Louise Scratchings got the nod she had hoped for this morning when Stoke's Council of Elders approved her calling her baby Fenton Fenton.

"Fenton's dad, Terry Fenton, would be so proud," she said. "If he had any interest in our child, whose paternity he disputes, or if we were still on speaking terms. I'll send a letter via our legal representatives."

The name had previously been rejected by the city council's naming department, but Scratchings appealed to Stoke's supreme rulers, the Council of Elders, themselves.

"This is an incredibly patriotic thing for Louise to do," a spokesman for the Council's spokesman said. "We feel the good outweighs the bad with this one, and the nipper's unlikely to go on to achieve anything anyway, so we gave it the literal nod."

Toxic Fog Could Hit Stoke

A deadly fog currently devastating Yorkshire could be headed to Stoke, experts have warned.

"I went to Rotherham the other day, it was a total fucking shit hole," truck driver Kenny Batter said. "I have to assume that this was entirely due to the fog, and Rotherham was nothing like that beforehand."

Rotherham, yesterday

"A mixture of the deadly toxins of the fog and the deadly toxins that already exist in the everyday air in Yorkshire is a deadly combination," science expert Tab Purples said. "Though I'm no science expert."

RAF Trentham has been ordered to point its nuclear weapons at the sky in case the fog arrives.

Stephen Milligan Day Under Threat

Next year's Stephen Milligan Day is in danger of being cancelled after Stoke Flex Ltd, the company who normally provide electrical cords for the celebration, went into liquidation.

"This would be a crippling blow to Stoke's social calendar," socialite Phoenella Smith-Smith wrote in her column in the Daily Gargoyle.

The day started as an ironic celebration by non-Conservatives of the death of Milligan, before Tories started joining in to try and reclaim the day, before pretty much everyone in the city started celebrating it as a city holiday.

"This is exactly how Christianity began," historian Paul Grundies said. "In 2000 years time, Milligan may be worshipped as a GOD."

Milligan died on 07 February in 1994, having a cheeky wank while strangling himself with electrical cord, dressed in stockings and suspenders, having a bin bag on his head and a drug-soaked orange segment in his mouth.

"Jesus died in slightly different circumstances," Grundies adds. "Though similarities exist."

Stoke Roses Triumph

The Stoke Roses have been named best new band at the Stoke Music Awards, held last night at the Burslem Hilton.

The band, a tribute to The Stone Roses, were overjoyed.

"We're mad for it, our kid," the Ian Brown lookalike said.

"'Avin it large!" The Mani lookalike added.

"I'd like to thank my mum and dad, and God," the John Squire lookalike said.

The Reni lookalike had nothing to say.

The band also double as a Michael Jackson tribute act.

Other big winners on the night included Jonathan Wilkes, who took home the inaugural lifetime achievement award, Jonathan Wilkes, who won performer of the year, and Jonathan Wilkes, who won man of the year.

Supervillain Threatens Revenge

Supervillain Doctor Destructo has threatened to rain death and destruction on Stoke after the city council rejected his plans to build a massive death ray in the city.

"Stoke is not ready for the pain I will inflict on it, muahahahaha," the evil genius said.

"This decision was not made on moral grounds," Councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "What the massive death ray will be used for is neither here-nor-there. What we object to is the culling of the residents and puppy dogs of Bentilee to make space for the weapon's construction. Bentileers are people too. Even if it doesn't always seem that way. They are not Bentilepers."

Doctor Destructo has the right to appeal the decision at a tribunal hearing.

Comic Relief 2015

Local good 'un Terry Seagull has manned up and vowed to donate lots of money to Comic Relief this month!

Terry will give £2.50 every time a woman sends him a picture of herself wearing nothing but a red nose, up until the end of March.

"I'll still accept pictures after that but I won't be making donations," he said.

"I would prefer it to be a current 2015 red nose as well," Terry adds. "Don't want an older red nose unless absolutely necessary. And no men either. That won't work, I'll know the difference."

Stokie Urges Stronger Welsh Links

Barry Tandy from Longton has urged Stoke City Council to forge stronger ties with the Welsh island Barry Island.

"If Stoke could twin itself with Barry Island, that would literally be superb," Tandy said. "A free trade agreement would be a good start, but I'm hoping for more."

Tandy denies that he only wants closer ties with the Welsh island, famous for being populated entirely with people called Barry, purely because of his name.

"The idea that I would make all this effort purely to further the Barry cause is slanderous, or maybe libellous, I don't know the difference," Barry said. "My lawyer, Barry Shenton, will be keeping an eye on social media and local blogs for such lies."

Stokie Goes Viral

Stokie Tom Nooks has become an overnight internet viral sensation after a video of him attracted millions of views on YouTube.

The video of him in his cell at HMP Werrington has him shouting "I need a shit!!" at a prison guard, before pulling his trousers and pants down and having a dump on the floor in his cell.

The "I need a shit!!" catchphrase caught on instantly, leading to t-shirts and dance songs using the phrase, and is being shouted by school kids in playgrounds and classrooms up-and-down the country.

Nooks, who is doing a ten stretch for possessing child pornography, is said to be happy with the video's reception and is hoping to record his debut album when his criminal sentence expires, which he plans to call 'Only God Can Judge Me'.

Royal Bank Of Stoke Tax Evasion

One of Stoke's biggest banks, the Royal Bank of Stoke, has admitted using HSBC’s Swiss accounts as a way of avoiding tax.

"A few years ago, we announced pre-tax profits of £100 billion, with post-tax profits being exactly the same number. Nobody said anything at the time or thought anything off about that so we carried on doing it," the bank said in a statement published in the classified section of the Sentinel.

The bank, which has the royal seal of approval from the monarchy of Uzbekistan, has promised to start paying some tax once it gets its accounts in order.

"Most of our accountants now live in Switzerland, so communicating with them is a problem," Hanley branch manager Tek Grimley explained. "When they're back over here visiting though, we'll set them to work right away on setting up the tax stuff."

Stoke Celebrates Oscar Success

The city was celebrating this morning after local champion Oscar Pikey placed fifth in yesterday's county pie-eating championship.

"Being the champion, or CHOMPion, of Stoke is a heavy burden on the monkey on anyone's back," Oscar said. "I was glad to give the thousands of travelling fans something to cheer about."

Oscar finished behind pie-eaters from Leek, Stafford, Burton and Longsdon, but ahead of rivals representing Newcastle and Stone.

"As long as I finished above those two dumps of towns, I'd have been happy," Oscar explained. "Even if it meant finishing third from last."

Condom Sales Fall For Valentines

Sales of condoms in the city have fallen sharply in the run up to Valentine's Day, the city council has said.

"Most men know their women are gonna put out anyway, so now's as good a time as ever to try to talk her into letting them have a go without saddling up," relation expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Uncle Terry commented. "And while they're at it, may as well try to pop it up t'other as well."

"Most condoms sold in the city are used as balloons anyway," full time cynic Jim Schrute said. "This means nothing."

Shopkeep Surprised By Sales Rise

Local retailer Cedric Nentertainer has expressed bemusement at the recent upturn in sales of various gifts at his shop.

"For some reason, I'm getting a rush on flowers and chocolates," he said. "I've sold fuck all lately too. These people are idiots. The flowers are gonna wilt if they're not in the ground. And this is not planting season."

Wife Beating Increase Blamed On Fifty Shades Of Grey

A recent increase in incidents of wife beating in the city have been blamed on the 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' book and film franchise.

"I never realised how sexy getting smacked around was until I read the books," local housewife Tina Backslash said. "Now I love it. It's so trendy, all my girlfriends are doing it."

"My hubbie turned a room in our flat into a red room," Lisa Nanker said. "It's got a Black & Decker workbench, his stash of pornos, his password protected PC and his football boot collection in it. It's so hot. I can't wait for him to smack me in there one day, rather than just beat me in the living room."

An estimated 50% of Stoke husbands already beat their wives, a decline of 10% on this time 100 years ago, according to official figures. This figure is expected to increase dramatically when the film is released this weekend.

"We've been going in the right direction this past century," councillor Katy Terry said. "This kind of thing puts us right back like a bunch of twats."

Stokemon

A group of local nerds are seeking funding to make a new video game they think will take off in a big way.

"The game will be an rpg called Stokemon," designer Barry Bosted explains. "You will play the main character called Dave Ketchup, who comes from a broken home but finds refuge as a footy hooligan. You must then travel round the country defeating (and capturing to join your gang) wild hooligans and trying to defeat the 15 rival gangs on their home turf. After completing that, you get to take on the Champions League Four, to find out once and for all who is the real champion of champions."

The game will initially be released in two versions: Stokemon Red and Stokemon White. In the red version, the antagonists will be Team Crewe, while in the white version, it will be Team Vale.

"We've not been inspired by Pokemon in any way, the suggestion is ludicrous," game creator Nigel Pledge says. "This is an entirely different type of game."

Anna Kendrick, Dream Girl

Hollywood has confirmed that rising star, and American sweetheart, Anna Kendrick is to be distributed to people in Stoke's dreams to help promote her current film Into The Woods, also starring Meryl Streep.

"Anna is one of the hottest properties in Hollywood right now," agent Arty Nickels said. "Everyone is a winner with this deal."

The dreams will vary from user-to-user, but will leave people with the lasting feeling that Anna Kendrick is adorable and that you need to see Into The Woods.

"In my dream, Anna came to my house and did all me housework," roofer Tom Bongo said. "Top bird."

"I dreamt that she messaged me on Facebook, came round my gaff, sucked me off then fucked off," unemployed layabout Nigel Monk said. "Perfect."

2014 Review: December

At the 2014 Staffordshire Awards, Stoke was named the county's best city again, while Cobridge was named the county's roughest area. Dick Whittington, starring Jonathan Wilkes, currently on in Hanley, was named show of the year. The bravery award went to Anthea Turner for going through her separation from husband Grant Bovey and man of the year was Peter Crouch.