Scamps Ask Fans Not To Dress As Badgers Against Walsall

Port Vale has asked fans not to dress as badgers for their game today against Walsall. Walsall player Lee Kipper alleged a sexual assault against a badger from Burslem several years ago while in a log cabin on a hunting trip in the area.

"It was a serious assault and I'm lucky to have survived," Kipper recently told the Daily Gargoyle. "Had I not been carrying a machete, sub machine gun and sniper rifle, I may not have survived the attack."

One Scamps fan tweeted: "@portvale Will people wearing badger outfits be banned from the game?"

Vale replied in a press release: "Fans will not be banned but we'd prefer it if they didn't dress like badgers at our matches, home or away. We'd prefer it if they came as Boomer The Dog. Or Pikachu."

Ironically, the Scamps's club colours are based on a famous 19th Century albino badger.

Ian Watkins: I’m Not "H"

A man from Stoke called Ian Watkins has pleaded with Stokies to stop giving him abuse after it was revealed the real name of "H" from Steps is also Ian Watkins.

"H" from Steps. Requiescat in pace.

"My life has gone to spunk," says the Tina Turner fan. "Every day I have to put up with a torrent of abuse from people, much worse than I got when people thought I was a child sex offender."

"Yes my name is Ian Watkins," adds Ian. "Yes, I wear fluorescent yellow t-shirts and dance to campy cover versions of popular old songs. And yes, I've just started up my own pop band which happens to be called Stips. But this is no excuse for people's stupidity."

Ian Watkins: I’m Not That Ian Watkins

A man from Stoke called Ian Watkins has pleaded with Stokies to stop giving him abuse after his famous namesake pleaded guilty to numerous child sex offences.

"My life has gone to cock," says the Cobridge native. "Every day I have to deal with a torrent of abuse and hatred. People call me names like Little Timmy Todger Toucher, Paedo Griffin, Pee Wee's Perv House and more. It's madness and it has to stop."

"Yes my name is Ian Watkins," adds Ian. "Yes, I have got convictions for various sex offences of my own and am on the sex offenders list. And yes, I've just started up my own rock band which happens to be called Lastpuppets. But this is no excuse for people's stupidity."

Bursie Shore

Stoke will once again be at the forefront of this nation's factual televisual programming with the commencement of this new series about six people sharing a log cabin next to Lake Burslem.

"I've not seen previous iterations in this study so I don't know what to expect," says Professor Terry Muncher, Head of Social Sciences at Staffordshire University. "But this seems like a very interesting sociological study with potentially valuable information about young people and social interaction. I will be watching with a keen scientific eye."

"That such a successful documentary series is coming to Stoke can only be a wonderful thing," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "No bad can possibly come from this."

"I just wanna get drunk and shagged on camera and be famous," says cast member Debbie Box.

Tony Pulis: Cor Blimey Guv’nor

Former Stoke City manager Tony Pulis had better brush up on his cockney as he's only bloody gone and got 'imself the bloomin' manager's job at Crystal bleedin' Palace, ain't he!

Speaking at his first press conference, at which EYE ON STOKE was front and centre after camping out at the Palace ground the night before, TP spoke poetically to the assembled throng as he sensually massaged the English language into his thoughts and philosophies on the beautiful game and his challenge ahead.

Words that TP used at the press conference included: relegated, wrong, I like climbing, relish, Europe, pigeonholed, Christmas.

Stoke’s Oldest Man Called Stoke Dies

Tributes have been pouring in from all over Stoke for the city's oldest man called Stoke - Ted Stoke - who finally succumbed to old age at 43.

"Men like Ted are forged in the grit mines of Brindley Ford, not simply born," said friend and former enemy Jib Muller.

"Men like Ted are forged in the lava mines of Fegg Hayes, not simply born," said enemy and former spit-roasting partner Percy Pigeons.

"Ted never worked a day in his life," said his third from last wife, Sharon Bender. "Nor did he ever give me a penny in child support. But he was a great man."

"This is a sad day for the city," says city council spokesman Gary Coolio. "Ted has proven himself to be one of the best Stokies around and he will be missed."

Stoke will close down tomorrow and observe a day of mourning. All workers in the city are advised to stay at home.

Women "Pleading The Belly" On The Rise

The number of women in Stoke who "plead the belly" is on the rise according to official figures.

Pleading the belly is when a woman claims pregnancy at a criminal trial, meaning that she can't be prosecuted. The legal loophole was discovered by a cleaner at the house of one of Stoke's Council of Elders, who subsequently went on a crime rampage when she discovered that she herself was pregnant.

The law was originally introduced in pirate times when a popular band of female pirates who operated a frigate on the River Trent were eventually captured. To calm public anger after they were put to death and it was discovered that the women were pregnant, the law was created by the Council of Elders of the time, but it has never been repealed in Stoke.

While the legal department at City Hall work on changing the law, pregnant women are effectively immune from prosecution in Stoke.

"If pregnant women have any criminal cravings, now is the time to satisfy them," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "For the benefit of them and their babies."

Stoke's Health Service Boost

Health services in Stoke got a major boost today with the announcement of the formation of a new health advice and symptom checker website by the Stoke Hypochondria Society.

"Since the government fucked up NHS Direct, most people in Stoke have had no access to any kind of healthcare," says Hypochondria Society spokesman Jeff Turtles. "This is exactly what you need when you are convinced that something is seriously wrong with you."

Funding for the service has come from big drug companies. "We are not funding this as a means of increasing sales of our products to people who don't need really them," says a spokesman for the pharma industry, Ken Truffles. "If that happens it is merely a coincidence."

New Craze For Stoke Pensioners

"I do it for kicks. It's what keeps me going in my useless old age." So says bog average Stoke pensioner Kitty Divine as she stands on top of a bridge on the M6 – I won't tell you which one to preserve its anonymity – about to spit on cars passing below.

The practise of spitting on cars going under bridges has been around quite a while. Some believe it dates back to the Roman invasion of Britain while other historians claim it only dates back to the Twentieth Century. Nobody knows who is right.

"Some days, there's a big group of us," says Kitty. "A big group of pensioners on bridges on the M6 happily spitting on cars that go underneath. We set each other targets, like hitting a black car or a windscreen. There's quite a complicated scoring system. Getting an open convertible is the big score. It's a serious business. We often play for money. I've seen chumps lose their weekly pension in under an hour on ill advised bets."

Its not all serious though. "I've seen people's false teeth fall out as they try to spit," laughs Kitty. "It was fucking awesome."

The Revolution Will Be Instagrammed

By Steve Hyde, who is more left wing than Matty Etherington

Seeing the devastation in the Philipines fills me with sadness as I went on holiday there once. If I'm being honest, I spent most of my time there taking cheap opiates in the company of the plentiful cheap hookers they have over there. I regret not seeing some of the more cultural parts of the country when I was there as most of them will have been destroyed now. I could have got some really great pics for my Instagram. It really makes you think.

Our Fascist prime minister David Cameron is over in Sri Lanka to talk to the government/dictatorship they have there. It reminds me of when I went there a few years ago, inspired by the rapping of MIA, to fight on the side of the Tamil rebels. Unfortunately, due to communication and translation errors, I ended up fighting with the government and helping to eradicate the rebels. I'm not embarrassed to say I got carried away at times and may have committed what would some may consider to be war crimes, but this just empowers me now when I campaign against war because I've seen it first hand. Knowledge is power, and I have the knowledge of what it's like to raze entire villages, clans and cultures to the ground, and this gives me the power to go on doing my work against war and oppression.

Power to the people!

#Stoke

We all know that #Stoke regularly trends on social media like Twitter, so here is a round-up of some of the latest tweets on Twitter for those of you not yet on board with the 21st Century.

Grumpy Old Man - "A friends place has been robbed approx 3pm today in Burslem."

Peter Steger - "#Bambi für Robbie Williams aus #Stoke-on-Trent. Auch wenn er seiner Heimatstadt längst den Rücken gekehrt hat:Swing weiter und good luck!"

TyCob - "When the kids your babysitting for wasn't too watch start wars #stoke"

David Williams - "Apparently the new speed limit on Campbell Road is 17 mph. #stoke #idiots"

Alex Marriott - "Admitting that I've outwitted someone from #Stoke - similar feeling to that time I outran an anvil."

COOKI - "There's something quite beautiful about seeing children smoking and women with tattoos on their faces #stoke #sarcasm #shithole"

Worlds Most Valuable Oatcake To Go On Show

"Big Kev", perhaps the most famous oatcake in the world, and certainly the most valuable, is to go on display at the Potteries Museum in Hanley throughout December as a Christmas treat to Stokies.

The diamond encrusted culinary masterpiece was made in 1986 by a crack team of expert oatcakeers and jewellers to celebrate the National Back Yard Festival, held in Stoke that year. Owned by an investment bank in Zurich, Big Kev has not been on public display since 1997 when controversy overshadowed his appearance.

A typical diamond

"That was the time when a group of Chinese claimed to have created a more valuable one," says oatcake historian Geoffrey Hunger-Games. "It caused quite the stir. Their claim was soon shown to be fraudulent though: they had used real gemstones but a fake oatcake."

Since then Big Kev has been kept in a special vault to keep the diamonds in prime condition.

Local Dogs Outraged At Call Of Duty Portrayal

Stoke-based dogs have reacted with anger to the portrayal of our furry friends in the latest Call of Duty game.

"We are not killers as shown in the game," said canine spokesdog Rover. "Apart from that one in Bentilee who killed that family. Or that one in Burslem who mauled the little kid. And those others. We are cute and friendly."

In the game, Riley the dog accompanies the heroes and helps to kill the baddies of mainly indeterminate hispanic origins.

"The imperialist racism and people murdering each other is accurate to be fair," added Rover. "I don't have a problem with that."

Nightmare As Crouch Leaves Stoke

Millions of local hearts were broken yesterday when it was announced that Peter Crouch had been sold by Stoke City.

Local Bob Harder made the announcement on Twitter last night, leading to an outpouring of grief and a torrent of abuse for the handyman. Trending hashtags on social media included #PleaseStayCrouchy, #WeLoveYouCrouchy and #BobHarderIsATwat.

Fortunately for football fans, Crouch had only been sold on computer game FIFA 14 by Harder and not in real life.

"Crouch will leave Stoke over my dead body," says fan Doris Ahmed. "I would rather kill him than lose him, even in a video game. I have written to EA Sports to demand that Crouchy cannot be sold under any circumstances in the game. I may or may not have threatened to send parcel bombs in the future if my demand is not met."

Gas Leak High

A massive gas leak in Brindley Ford has lead to scores of locals getting high and a huge increase in visitors going to the area.

"It's quite funny really," says city health and safety officer Baul Botts. "This is the ultimate legal high in my opinion and I don't blame people for wanting to experience it. That said, with my health and safety hat on, I should probably warn people of the dangers, which I will in due course."

The source of the leak has not been identified yet as Stoke City Council sold of all of its gas masks and safety gear to meet government financial targets, and all officers who have been in the affected area to search for the leak have had to be pulled out due to getting high themselves.

Staffordshire Moorlands DC have offered to help out, but only at a severe price to Stoke's sovereignty.

Caption Competition Results

The results for the weekly Peter Crouch caption competition are in.

1st Place

"The pressure around Hutchence's neck would have felt something like this as he wanked himself off to death" - Gary Spanners, Birches Head

2nd Place

"Back off VP you fruity bastard" - Haytham Fenway, Burslem

3rd Place

"I mo fucken kill ya, ya foreign slag" - Fink Vixen, Middleport

First prize is a life size Peter Crouch doll, donated by Ted's Toys in Birches Head.

Stoke Film Club News

Due to a VHS machine chewing up the tape, tomorrow's planned screening of Jean-Luc Godard's classic Nouvelle Vague film 'Alphaville' has been cancelled.

In its place, 'Sex lives of the Potato Men' will be screened instead. Tickets are still valid. The film starts at 9am in Banqueting Suite 3 at City Hall.

Legendary Danish-French actress Anna Karina, star of 'Alphaville' and muse of Godard, who was scheduled to talk about 'Alphaville' after the screening, has agreed to still turn up anyway and answer questions afterwards about 'Sex Lives of the Potato Men' to the best of her ability, as she's never seen or heard of the film before.