Jumpers For Goalposts

Stoke City 0-0 Sunderland

This was obviously the best game in the Premier League this weekend, as proven by the fact that it was the last (or headline) game on 'Match of the Day' last night. Gary Lineker was literally too gobsmacked to offer any opinions on the encounter. Stoke player Marc Wilson broke his leg during the game, but the Stoke players have promised to draw penises on the cast every single day until it's removed, to help keep his spirits up.

Northampton 2-0 Port Vale

The Scamps fell to a shock defeat to Midlands rivals Northampton ("The Cobblers"), who Scamps fans tried to involve in the ongoing Jimmy Savile scandal by holding up signs saying: "Cobblers, What Did You Do To Help?" Manager Micky Adams was so upset after the game he fell into a funk and refused to dance at the after-match disco, even when 'Love Shack' was played by Vale's resident DJ, Big Dave.

Fegg Hayes Sharks 1-1 Kidsgrove Klux Klan (LATEST)

As neither team was happy with a draw, both managers agreed to play "next goal wins". 24 hours later, the game is still ongoing. Alejandro Pegg gave the Klansmen the lead after 6 seconds, only for Jane Grundies to equalise for the Sharks 8 seconds later. As the floodlights failed at half time, fans were encouraged to smoke cigars and cigarettes in the stands to shine light onto the pitch. Attendance: 76,532.

Football Focused

Stoke v Sunderland

Peter Crouch had been warming up for this game by perfecting his comedy Geordie accent, which he hoped to use to tease the Sunderland players during tomorrow’s game. However, Michael Owen pointed out that people from Newcastle (not Sunderland) are Geordies and that his plan was mental. Undeterred, Crouchy will instead use his "cockney geezer" voice to frighten the glum nor’easterners out of his way leaving him room to like score goals and stuff.

Northampton v Port Vale

The Scamps go to Northampton for a Midlands derby that will probably be the biggest game in England this weekend, barring a scorching Chelsea v Man Utd match on Sunday in the Carling Premiership. Scamps star striker Pope Tom has literally been wrapped in cotton wool all week to avoid injury, while club physio Terry Dumpty reckons he can now "fully deep heat a leg in 10 seconds" following extra training sessions this month. Boss Micky Adams is hoping to get some shoes repaired while he's in Northampton. "Leave 'em up at shop before game, they'll be right as rain by time game's over. Magic, just magic," said Adams at this morning’s press conference.

Fegg Hayes Sharks v Kidsgrove Klux Klan

Sharks manager Keith Gobbler may recall star left half Kid Blood to the team as he attempts to flood the midfield in a 1-8-1 formation. The Klansmen have been hit by an outbreak of rickets at their training ground and may have to field a weakened team, though star left half Kid Steamer has just been released from prison after serving a 40 year sentence for a triple homicide and will again be available for selection.

One-Armed Black Lesbian: Clarkson Is A Twat

A one-armed black lesbian from Stoke has told Jeremy Clarkson and The Daily Mail to stop blaming her for all of their perceived ills in society.

Speaking at a press conference at a stall outside of HMV in the Potteries Centre, once the site of a performance by 1990s Gladiator "Falcon", Mary Platterday pleaded with the right wing mouthpieces to leave her alone.

"I'm sick of hearing about how I'm to blame for everything that goes wrong in 'Broken Britain'," said the mortician. "My limb deficiency and sexual preferences have nothing to do with crime, poverty, economic downturn or benefit cheats."

"Clarkson can fuck right off," she added. "That nob-eyed, bald, racist, inbred-looking cock-waiter can go eat a bag full of dicks as far as I'm concerned. And The Daily Mail is a streaky turd of a publication read by racists, wife-beaters, angry pervs and nonces."

Stoke Company Unveils The Future

A local company has shown the world why Stoke is regarded locally a world-leading hub of innovation by unveiling the next generation of mobility scooters (pictured below).

The new design radically changes the chassis of the mobility scooter to something now resembling a smart car.

And what future developments does creator Mike Badger see for mobility scooters? "I see mobility scooters in the future seating more than one person, maybe even as many as five," he says. "And having bigger engines, maybe some storage space at the back, some gears and maybe even a stereo."

Nigerians Complain Of Stoke "Prince" Scam

People from across Nigeria have complained that they are receiving scam e-mails from someone claiming to be a prince from Stoke who needs their help to get money out of the city.

In exchange for help, the e-mailer promises cash rewards to the Nigerians. All they have to do is provide their bank details, which Nigerians claim will be used to rob them of money.

A Nigerian

"This is clearly a scam," says Nigerian ambassador to Stoke, Tijuana Okocha. "We have warned Nigerians not to give their bank details."

But the prince in question, Prince Steve of Fegg Hayes, is unrepentant. "This is a genuine offer," he says. "I need to get my money out of Stoke before the uprising comes. I can't believe no-one over there will help me."

Ball, Ball, Ball, Footy, Footy, Footy.

Manchester United 4-2 Stoke City
If ManYoo hadn't scored four goals, or even three or two, or no more than four, then Stoke would have won this game. But they didn't and they didn't. Peter Crouch drew admiring glances from all the women present and was the real winner of the game.

Port Vale 4-1 Wycombe
Southern perverts Wycombe were smacked like bitches by a rampant Scamps team who've now romped seven points clear in second place in the Endsleigh League fourth division. Pope Tom scored two more goals despite chants from Wycombe fans that he's "just a thin Robbie Coltrane".

Fegg Hayes Cosmos P-P Kidsgrove Thetans
This game was postponed when Kidsgove's team bus got lost and ended up in Newbury, Berkshire. The two managers tried to play the game over the phone but couldn't agree on whether Cosmos striker Ivan "The Terrible" Balaban would have scored a second half penalty or not. "He would blaze it over the bar, he's a bottler," argued Thetans manager Phil Collins. "No way, it would go in off the post then the goalie's bald pate," retorted Cosmos manger Keith Gobbler. The score was 1-1 at the time. A Touch Nightclub League panel will adjudge the final result using dice at a later date. The dice never lie.

"Butcher of Bentilee" Aims For The Top

In an exclusive interview with Stoke City fanzine The Oatcake, the serial killer known as "The Butcher of Bentilee" has said he is aiming to be Stoke's number one mass murderer.

"The Stoke Strangler may be getting the headlines right now but I feel like I am technically better," the Butcher said. "It's gonna take lots of hard work on my part but I think I've got the chops to make it big."

Actual serial killer not pictured

Whereas the Stoke Strangler likes to remain mysterious, the Butcher connects with his fans and potential victims via his Twitter feed @BentileeButcher. "In today's world, it's important to have a forum where you can connect with your fans," says the Butcher. "I have lots of banter on there and if someone sends me abuse I'll jokingly tweet that I'm gonna get them next!" he laughs.

As a lifelong Stoke City fan, the Butcher is also hoping to set a new national record. "I'd like to kill a fan of every Premier League team in the same season," he explains. "I've already done four teams this season and we've got ManYoo today, which is the big one as far as I'm concerned. That said, I'll never tire of killing Scamps [Port Vale] fans, they're my bread and butter."

New Bus Station Complex Could "Bring Stoke Into The 20th Century"

City councillor Jinky Watkins has been showing members of the public around Stoke's new bus station and retail park, 'Stoke Sentral', in Hanley and had said it will drag Stoke into the modern age.

"This development will show those shit-munchers in Derby once-and-for-all who's best," said councillor Watkins. "We're way better than those yokels and this will prove it."

The new development has been the subject of some controversy over the spelling of 'Sentral'. "It's spelt 'central'," says local PE teacher Pete Gonk. "Everyone will think that Stokies can't spell for shit when they see this."

Stokies "Dazed And Confused"

It has been reported that lots of people in Stoke have been seen wandering the streets aimlessly this weekend due to the lack of local football action.

"I really don't know what to do," wrote Stoke City fan Lil Gummer on Friday on MumsNet. "I've never realised just how boring weekends are without football. I'm just gonna go out and get wankered, what else is there?"

"Wake me up when the football's back."

With no games this weekend for Stoke City and Fegg Hayes Hurricanes because of international call ups, and Port Vale not playing until Monday night, there has been little to keep Stokies entertained.

"I've been binge drinking and fighting," says Fegg Hayes Hurricanes season ticket holder Kop Wensdale. "Life is meaningless without the Hurricanes."

City Council To Move Headquarters To Bahamas

Stoke City Council has unveiled plans to relocate many of its operations to the Bahamas to try and meet cost-cutting measures introduced by the Government.

"If it's good enough for the rich bastards who fund the Tories to live out there, it's good enough for us," says councillor Phil Gant. "And this way we won't have to pay any tax and we can top up our tans at the same time. Win-win."

Stoke City Council's planned new offices

The move has been welcomed by some city council workers. "I hear that the standard of office equipment out there is excellent, which is why I'm looking forward to the move," says receptionist Kylie Rimmer.

"I won't be going," says council youth consultant Phyllis Killer, 79. "The Bahamas has nothing that Stoke doesn't have and I for one will be staying here until the bitter end."

EYE ON STOKE Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

EYE ON STOKE (and the rest of the EU) has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 2012.

Chief Executive Monty Deschanel is overjoyed with the award. "EYE ON STOKE's work in trying to reunite the warring gangs of North and South Longton has been a clear influence on the judging panel, though I would have liked to have won the Nobel Prize for Journalism as well. Or at least have gotten a nomination."

EYE ON STOKE joins such illustrious names as Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Adolf Hitler in winning the prize. A star-studded awards ceremony hosted by Jimmy Carr and Amy Childs will take place in Oslo in December.

"I'd like to thank everyone who voted for us to win this award," added Mr Deschanel. "And I'd like to add that I hope those Toblerone-munching neutral Swiss bastards are kicking themselves right about now because they could have been a part of this award too. Suckers."

Blue Plaque In Honour Of Trentham Torturer

Councillors in Trentham have confirmed that they are planning on putting a blue plaque on the storage space used by the Trentham Torturer [Terry Butkins] to torture and kill his victims.

How the blue plaque would look

"Terry is perhaps the only famous person ever to come from Trentham," says councillor Ken Topdeck. "We should honour him and this is what he would have wanted."

"This is not what he would have wanted," says Sharon Butkins, Terry's former wife. "He would have wanted a statue."

City Council Ponders Building Names

Stoke City Council has said it will consider renaming its headquarters and other buildings in the wake of recent scandals.

The city council headquarters is currently called Sir Jimmy Savile House, while there is also a nuclear weapon storage unit (The Savile Bunker) and a staff canteen at Swift House (Salon du Savile) named in his honour.

City councillor Jinky Watkins explains the move. "This is like the Gary Glitter thing all over again. We had to rename almost half of our buildings when we found out he was a nonce. We thought we were onto a winner with Savile but it wasn't to be."

The council has yet to comment on whether it has any plans to rename its pest control base, The Freddie Starr Emporium, or not.

Jonathan Wilkes is said to be keen to have the buildings named after himself in the short term until a new celebrity name is found. "Wilkes is a safe pair of hands," commented councillor Watkins. "Just ask Robbie Williams, he has relied on those hands many a time."

Stoke Strangler Kills Trentham Torturer

The lifeless corpse of the serial killer known as the "Trentham Torturer" has been discovered by Bunters [badger hunters] this morning, along with a note from the "Stoke Strangler" claiming responsibility for the murder.

"I done this murder," wrote the strangler. "Cus I am the best. The Trentham Torturer was a big nonce."

Terry Butkins, the Trentham Torturer

The identity of the Trentham Torturer has been revealed by police to be 53-year-old Terry Butkins, a hot dog vendor popular with tourists at Trentham Monkey Park, where he worked.

Mr Butkins was a major player on the local go karting scene and was an enthusistiac collector of hammers. His collection will be auctioned for charity.

Trentham Torturer: I’m Better Than Stoke Strangler

One of Stoke's most prolific and respected serial killers, the Trentham Torturer, has today fired a broadside at the newest kid on the block, the Stoke Strangler.

"He's just a noob," says the Trentham Torturer. "He's little more than a chancer. Anyone could go up to a bunch of annoying youngsters and kill them with their bare hands, I know there are times when we've all wanted to do things like that. But it's too easy, there's no artistry, no magic."

Current golden boy the Stoke Strangler has already notched up an impressive 9 known kills, including 6 in one go last week when he took out an entire street dance crew in one attack. However, he’s still some way behind "Trenty", who currently has 21 known victims.

"My kills are works of art," explained Trenty, when special guest on the 'Signal Gold Serial Killer Breakfast Show' on Sunday morning. "They're carefully planned down to the smallest detail and executed to perfection. The Stoke Strangler is little more than an uneducated savage."

When Sunday Comes

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City

Plucky relegation-threatened Liverpool scraped a lucky draw against the Pottermusses in front of a crowd of bemused Scousers, who were warned before the game that their shell suits were a fire hazard and they had to watch the game in their pants and vests for safety reasons.

Exeter 0-2 Port Vale

Pope Tom was the hero once again for the Scamps by scoring two goals, which he immediately dedicated to the victims of Sir Jimmy Savile by pulling off his shirt to reveal a vest with the slogan "Savile was a nonce" on it. Manager Micky Adams has challenged his players to get more goals this season by declaring that he will eat a pie for every goal that the Scamps score.

Fegg Hayes North End Q-J Kidsgrove Rovers

The Nenders won this game which trialled UEFA's experimental new scoring system, where goals are counted in letters rather than numbers, and where extra letters were awarded for fancy tricks or sexy dances. Manager Keith Gobbler was pleased with the result. "It was literally a game of two halves," he told reporters from the world's gathered press. "And the only stat that literally matters is the final score. Hashtag-delighted."

Scamps Target Free Transfers

Port Vale manager Micky Adams has told fans that he is still interested in adding to the Scamps squad with the addition of free transfers.

"I'm hearing a lot of good things about an experienced French defender called Valeny," Adams told bus driver Keith Pegg. "He's big and mobile and will suit this division if the scouting reports are to be believed."

Valeny

"I'm also liking Minanda, a Portuguese attacking midfielder," Adams added to bus passenger Beryl Scrote. "He's just the kind of playmaker I could build the team around. I've seen some of his stats and they are impressive. I could also use a side back, and I've had a Scottish lad called Ruskin recommended to me by lots of people. I will definitely be looking into that one."

The Scamps are currently placed somewhere near the top of the Endsleigh League fourth division.

Stokie Selected By England

Stokies are celebrating after England football manager Roy "Don't Call Me Woy" Hodgson called up Stoke City mascot Pottermiss for the upcoming England matches against San Marino and Poland.

It is the first time Pottermiss has been called up to represent her country, though it's likely she will be only a squad mascot for the matches.

Pottermiss and Pottermus

However, Pottermus has once again been overlooked by Hodgson, much to the bewilderment of Stoke fans, despite having a good record as a mascot for England in the past, starting off celebrations at a rate of one every two matches.

"Pottermus is good, old fashioned mascot," says Daily Gargoyle football writer Harry Summer. "He's good at waving and does the odd jig, but you need more than to be an international standard mascot. The international game is more about keeping possession of the fans' interest for longer periods, and Pottermus isn’t suited to that style of mascoting."

Stoke Strangler Strikes Again!

Stoke's cheekiest serial killer, the "Stoke strangler", struck again last night, killing  a street dance crew as they performed for their own amusement in a back alley in Longton to the beats of 'urban' music.

"We don't know whether he planned this this or whether it was a crime of opportunity," says PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police. "Either way, this leaves us with a shit ton of paperwork. We're not happy."

Could these be the Stoke Strangler's next victims? Please?

Not everyone is displeased with the Stoke strangler's killing spree. Local woman Sharon Hammers has set up a Facebook page called "The Stoke Strangler is a Legend".

"He's fighting against 'the man' and stuff," explains Sharon. "And I hope he keeps on going cleaning up our filthy streets. We've got 27,000 'likes' already on Facebook and the number is growing."