Stoke's Towns Fail To Reach Arms Deal

Stoke City Council has said it is "as shocked as a fucktard" by the failure of negotiations to secure a Stoke-wide arms treaty but hopes it remains a possibility.

Elders from all of Stoke's towns have spent the past month in Fegg Hayes negotiating a treaty, which needed to be adopted by consensus, so any one town could in effect veto a deal. Instead, officials on Friday decided to take no decision on a draft treaty.



A normal child in North Longton

One person every minute dies from armed violence in Stoke, and arms control activists say a convention is needed to prevent illicitly traded guns from pouring into conflict zones and fuelling gang wars and atrocities. They cite conflicts in North Longton and elsewhere as examples of why a treaty is necessary.

While most towns favoured a strong treaty, activists said there was a small minority, including North Longton, Bentilee and Boothen, who opposed arms control throughout the negotiations.

EYE ON STOKE Denied Olympic Accreditation

Britain's best news organisation, EYE ON STOKE (i.e. the site you're on now), has been refused media accreditation for the Olympic stadium, meaning that it won’t be able to cover the most high profile track and field events in person.

EYE ON STOKE's editor and managing director, Monty Deschanel, called the decision "a slap in the bollocks by the British Olympic Association". He continued: "We are truly disappointed that EYE ON STOKE, which has covered the glorious sporting achievements of Peter Crouch for many years, will not be inside the Olympic stadium to record more expected glory. They may as well have shit into my open mouth."

Doris Ahmed

EYE ON STOKE's readers have already reacted with outrage. Activist Doris Ahmed has set up a petetion calling on the BOA to reconsider its decision, which has so far attracted an estimated 75,000,000 signatures. Local councillor Jinky Watkins has also called for the decision to be reversed.

There’s no indication at this stage that there’s been a deliberate attempt to exclude the EYE ON STOKE explicitly because of the nature of its readership. Mr Deschanel says: "Something is very wrong if the media accreditation process is so unbalanced as to refuse access to a world-revered journalist from a well-known and respected website that caters to a readership that many other outlets don’t reach. They may as well have pissed into my open mouth."

Three Eye on Stoke journalists have received accreditation for the Olympic football competition, but that isn't enough for Eye on Stoke contributor Dave Murray. "No-one's bothered about the footy, we want tickets for the 100m dash. They may as well as farted into my open mouth," he says.

Stoke Won Olympics For London

Stoke was instrumental in securing the 2012 Olympic Games for London, having quietly lobbied many of the more rubbish IOC delegates, according to Stoke councillor Dwayne Gottlieb.

The success of the bid was previously put down to a number of prominent people, including Ken Livingstone, Sebastian Coe and David Beckham, and Stoke's role may come as a surprise to many.

Councillor Gottlieb told Signal Gold's Sunday Morning Hangover radio show: "It was the strangest bunch of fleshwads that Stoke has ever had to deal with, because it was about 120 of the great, the good and the pathetic," he said. "We thought that London's economy needed the help so we bribed some of the foreign lot to help get their vote."


"Thanks Stoke!"

Gottlieb's comments came as Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, toured television studios to make a fool of himself for the benefit of the nation's sense of humour.

On BBC 3's 'Snog Marry Avoid' show, Johnson said: "If you look at what David Beckham said, he thinks our city is as prepared as any city in the history of the Olympic Games and I think that's a great tribute to all of the celebrities who helped us."

Despite all evidence to the contrary, BoJo also claimed that the Games would be very good for Britain's economy. "This is a gigantic schmoozathon. I dare those who say that this will not be good for Britain's economy to come sit on my finger, then spin on it," he said

The Olympics start this Friday and run for an indeterminate amount of time until America wins.

Oatcake Taster Forced To Quit

Famous local oatcake taster Cheb Kingdom has had to quit his job after doctors warned the 22-year-old – who has piled on 12 stone after eating 1 kg of oatcakes a day since landing the much sought after role in 2001 – his cholesterol level was "dangerously high".

Mr Kingdom, of Trentham, said: "I'll really miss being 'Willy Wonka' of oatcakes. Eating oatcakes for a living really was the dream job. I was given a 'golden ticket' to sample the world's craziest, tastiest new oatcake designs and flavours and review them in the magazines. It was every Stokie's dream come true. I got so much pussy off the back of this job it's untrue."


Willy Wonka

Cheb's GP, Dr Phil Collins, said: "The only problem with eating oatcakes from 9 to 5, of course, is the predictable weight gain and high cholesterol. In the last couple of years, he's put on some considerable weight and I started calling him 'chub', rather than 'Cheb'. It's just banter."

Mr Kingdom has now started a new career as an author, penning a novel about a talking badger who can see the future and tries to stop World War 3 from happening.

Coming Soon To EYE ON STOKE

We meet the kind-hearted drug dealer who donates a percentage of his profits from sales of crack cocaine to local mental children.

Peter Crouch unveils a new dance move, provisionally entitled "white man's voodoo odyssey".

We name-and-shame the city councillor who once did a shit in the middle of a children's playground.

A competition to find Stoke's best vigilante crime fighter.

We go behind the scenes with one of Stoke's teams of "bunters", the city's famous badger-hunting units.

Stokies Not Impressed By "Boring" Euro 2012 Winners Spain

Local footie fans have been largely underwhelmed by the Spanish football team that yesterday triumphed at Euro 2012 and their mostly boring tiki-taka approach to football.

"They might have beat those fancy dan, fascist, spaghetti-munching Italians, but you get them down the Brit on a wet Tuesday night, up against the mighty Potters, they wouldn't stand a chance," says lifelong Stoke fan Linval Burgess.

Could Micky Adams have gotten more out of Spain?

"Never once during the tournament did I really see a Spanish player really 'get stuck in'," commented Scamps [Port Vale] fan Dave Murray. "Nor did I see any real 'passion' or 'commitment'. Boring."

"Spain have never seen anything like Crouchy," added 100 year old Stoke supporter Doris Ahmed. "He'd have that fruity bastard Pique on toast."

"It's funny that now they've won, everyone's conveniently forgotten about yet more racism from the disgusting Spanish fans. The Spanish really are some of the most racist fuckers in the world," added hospital radio DJ "Crazy" Kenny Tickles.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/jun/29/euro-2012-uefa-racism-fine

Councillor Urges Action On Banks

Stoke coucillor Hem Hellkiller has urged shareholders in Stoke's banks to rise up and purge their companies of corrupt executives, who he says have allowed "systemic abuse" to take root in the banking system.

Speaking to children at Sir Stanley Matthews First School in Hanley, Hellkiller says it is now clear that "the greedy fuckers at Fegg Hayes Capital", the investment bank that triggered the a recent market-rigging scandal, "should fall like an old man's bollocks."

"Lots of money"

To rapturous applause fom the children, Hellkiller described the problems in Stoke's financial sector as "a moral quagmire of almost 'Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3' proportions". He says that Stoke City Coucil is taking urgent action, including sending hate mail to "bad eggs" so they'll realise everyone hates them.

But he says shareholder power will be crucial. "Let's vote these nonces out. It will make my job a lot easier if I don't actually have to do anything myself. I'm going on holiday soon. Shareholders have a major responsibility here. I am bringing in legislation to give shareholders the ownership of bankers, so that they can beat the greedy cockmunchers at will if they get out of line."