Stoke Says: Bring Back Corporal Punishment

In an online poll by Port Vale FC, Stokies have voted overwhelmingly to say that they want to bring Corporal Punishment back to Stoke!

The American wrestler, real name: Daniel McDevitt, has worked widely on the American independent wrestling scene and has a cult following in Stoke thanks to his involvement with Maryland Chamionship Wrestling (MCW).

"Corporal Punishment is, like, totes one of my faves," commented Stoke Wrestling Society chairman Jack Weasles. "If we could get him to come to Stoke, that would totes show all my enemies who's the boss and who's the bitch."

Corporal Punishment has yet to comment on the poll.

Aviva In Stoke

As Stoke's premier blogger and watchdog (and paranormal investigator, though that's not really relevant here), I have been contacted by the PR company Edelman on behalf of insurance company Aviva asking if I can pass on a blog post about the history of Aviva companies in Stoke...

http://www.aviva.com/about-us/heritage/archivist-blogs/posts/573/

This has been done as part of a series to tell stories about the towns and cities the Olympic torch will visit and has visited. Below is my picture of the Olympic Torch Relay itself...

Unfortunately, this was taken the day before the actual relay passed through Stoke so there's not much to see, though you can see the Olympic rings, which are still there today.

Personally, I don't take out insurance or use banks, because that is exactly what "the man" wants me to do, but feel free to visit the Aviva link. It's not a porn site or anything, I checked it out first.

Stokies Shun eBooks

The buying of ebooks has yet to take off in Stoke, according to a report published by Munton Oatcakes in today's Evening Sentinel newspaper. Less than 1% of books bought by Stokies are done so digitally, compared to a national average of 10%.

Could this mean that Stokies prefer the feel of a paperback? Or could there be another reason?

"There's only about ten people we could find in Stoke who ever buy books, and nine of them don't have a computer," explains Munton Oatcakes CEO Dave Munton. "The one loser we found who has downloaded an ebook said they tried it once but it didn't take."

"How do I get porn on here?"

Could the recent success of badly-written erotic novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey' come to Stoke and revive flagging book sales?

"I don't think so," says Dave Munton. "Stokies like their filth more straightforward and more visual; we don't care for things like 'storylines' or 'character development'. That's why Richard Desmond publications dominate the local market."

Some publishing giants are confident that ebook growth will come to Stoke in time, but for now, the paperback and the tabloid have the advantage.

Cherie Blair Opens Her (Big) Mouth

Cherie Blair has indirectlty criticised women in Stoke, by saying that stay-at-home mums are unambitious and that this decision impacts negatively on their kids.

Blair, who is married to war criminal and liar Tony Blair, and is a greedy QC who has skimmed scandalous amounts of money from the state with fatuous Legal Aid cases she has taken in the past, complained that the aim of some young women was to shit out some kids rather than build a career of their own.

"People would want my autobiography even if
I wasn't married to a former Prime Minister"

She revealed her concerns at some event or other that she attended based on who she is married to rather than her own achievements, which was attended by many actual high powered and successful career women.

"I know that my job as a mother includes bringing my children up so actually they can live without me," Blair said at the event with no hint of irony, forgetting about her own 16 year old son's arrest for public drunkeness, and questionable mortgage deals she and her husband have been involved with in the past, at least one of which involved using their children in the mortgage deal.

Michael Gove: Let's Take Schools Back To The 1950s!

Millionaire education secretary Michael Gove has finally begun to do what every "right-mined" Tory in the country has been saying for years: he's making schools go back to what they did back in his day, back when he "were a lad"!

Instead of using progressive, modern teaching ideas, Gove has gone back to 1950s teaching methods, re-introducing roman numerals, abacuses and bibles to maths classes, in favour of calculators or actual mathematics.

 

Gove's new plans are to be trialled in Stoke. "Stoke’s schools are the closest we could find to what went on in the 1950s," explained Mr Gove, "So it won’t need changing a lot. In my opinion, the only maths children really need is knowing the numbers of bible verses. Everything else is just bullshit."

Local teacher Kerry Birch is unhappy with the proposals. "This just smells like the latest idea-fart from this big, ugly pompous arse," she says. "And I don't like the smell of it one bit."

Outrage As Crouchy Fails To Get Knighthood. Again.

There was quite literally riots on the streets of Stoke today when Peter Crouch was not named as a Knight in the Queen's birthday honours list.

"He deserves it for services to football, Stoke City, tall gangly blokes and dancing," said city councillor Jeff Noseworthy. "I know that I sent a petition down to 'that lot' in that London, obviously to no avail. Fucking southerners. Crouchy is one of their own as well, which makes it worse."

"The Queen wouldn't know talent if it fucked her right up the arse," commented 100-year-old proud Stokie Doris Ahmed. "Where as I would know, which is why Crouchy deserves the nod."

Buckingham Palace has yet to give any comment on why  Crouchy has never been given a knighthood.

Car Blown Up By Police "For Laughs"

Staffordshire Police police had to evacuate the area around Stoke City Footbal Club's ground today and carry out a controlled explosion on Jim Kennel's white Vauxhall Nova after he abandoned it just yards from the Britannia Stadium.

Mr Kennel was forced to park the vehicle near to the stadium after it broke down. While waiting for help the tourist decided to kill some time with a stroll round the nearby Power League football and leisure facility.

He left the car with a note on the windscreen pleading with traffic wardens not to give him a ticket.

On returning to the destroyed vehicle he said:  "I noticed that all my windows were smashed. That lot [Staffordshire Police] said to me that they'd used explosives to see what would happen, because it might be a 'larf'."

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks added: "Some of our officers may have gotten a little carried away today. We all know that white Vauxhall Novas are a popular car for terrorists and baddies, our brave boys blew up the car just in case.  We'll be keeping an eye on Mr Kennel from now on."

The car was eventually towed away, but not before a local traffic warden issued Mr Kennel with 42 tickets.

Stoke Councillor Leaves Cigarettes At T' Pub

It has been revealed that Stoke BNP councillor Dave Pilchard and his wife left a packet of cigarettes at the pub following a Sunday lunch, after a "barney" with his wife.

The couple left their ciggies at a table while they were arguing and they only realised when they got home.

The councillor rushed back to the Cock Inn in Norton where he found the cigarettes with staff. A city council spokeswoman said: "The councillor and his missus were distraught when they realised they'd forgotten their fags as they were gasping for a smoke. Thankfully, when they phoned the pub they were there safe and well. The councillor went down straight away to get them."

The spokeswoman declined to discuss how wasted Councillor Pilchard had got. "He was down the boozer all day, with a number of regulars, and they left in various states of undress," she said. "As you know, the councillor is a very busy man but he always tries to live as normal a life as possible with his mates."

Cock Inn regular Semp Godcomplex said: "It's frightening a local councillor can forget something so important as a packet of fags. How does he sleep at night?"

Fegg Hayes Building Society: We Want €100bn Too

After Spain's banks accepted a European bailout of up to €100bn, the Fegg Hayes Building Society (FHBS) has gone to the EU demanding a similar pay-out.

"The Spanish government states its intention is to request European financing for the recapitalisation of its banks," said FHBS cashier Sharon Kegger. "There's no reason why we can't dip our beaks in too."

Spain better not piss the money away on bullfighting,
warn Stoke's MEPs



It remained unclear, however, exactly how much of the €100bn Spain would need. "We should at least get some of the change if they don't spend it all," Kegger stressed. "This is a shit ton of clams we're talking about here."

There was confusion about conditions of the Spanish bailout. Stoke MEP Tracy Farscape has asked that Stokies be given a free holiday in Spain as compensation for the money Spanish banks will be getting.

Stoke City Council's finance ministers have warned they will closely monitor Spain's ability to stick to deficit targets and structural reforms, and will be asking for straw donkeys and footballers, as well as holidays, in return for defaulting on repayments.

Oatcake Chain Sold To American Company

One of Stoke's leading high street oatcake chains, Pot Herb Oatcakes, has been purchased by an American oil company in a deal saving 4,500 jobs and up to 397 oatcake stores across Stoke.

Ohio-based Giganta Oil, which is one of the world’s leading polluters, will take on the brands and assets of the retailer, which collapsed into administration a month ago. Zeb Cockburn, the administrator, has already announced the closure of around 350 stores, costing the jobs of nearly 3,000 oatcake chefs. The final number of stores acquired will be dependent on talks the American company's directors plan on having with their spiritual gurus and wives over the weekend.

Could oatcakes help to clean up oil spills?

Giganta Oil put itself in pole position to make the acquisition after it bought a new coat and necklace for the administrator's wife, making it a preferential creditor and giving it a strong position in sale talks.

The US company's chief executive, Zeb Wiener, said: "We are pleased to welcome these stores, the Pot Herb Oatcakes brand, and the 4,500 employees as members of the Giganta Oil family. We believe that, properly managed and with the appropriate capital structure, Pot Herb Oatcakes can be both an important and profitable retailer in both the primary food group and snack food markets over the long term, and not just an overseas base we can use to exploit Britain’s corporate tax loopholes."

Not everyone is happy with the takeover. Local jobseeker Steve Daley said: "I'd rather stay on the dole than work for some Yanks. Why did we bother winning WW2 if this is the thanks we get?"

Bentilee Says "No" To Austerity

The people of Bentilee have turned their back on austerity and voted in a referendum for town hall money be spent on bonfires rather than jobs.

In a vote last weekend, residents were asked to decide whether the town hall should spend £150,000 on starting (and later stopping) fires or paying local people to carry out odd jobs.

Bentilee mayor Phil "Hiroshima" Hardy had decided to put the money the town hall usually spends on summer employment to the vote. Although unemployment in Bentilee is 51%, the bonfire option won by 242 votes to 181.

"That much money isn't really going to create a lot of work, so I'd rather it was spent on fires," one Bentilee resident said.

As with many towns in Stoke, fires are a central part of local summer activities. The industry is in crisis, however, because the city council and local town halls are slashing their budgets.

The number of bonfires across the city has fallen 46% in five years, and many firestarters are cutting their losses and working freelance, or for pleasure only.

Last year there were 1,177 fires in Stoke, down from 2,176 in 2010.

Stoke Celebrates The Jubilee

People all over Stoke celebrated the Queen's diamond jubilee in style yesterday - by staying at home and watching TV!

Despite the rain outside, Stokies braved their living rooms rather than go to the pub for a traditional Stoke all-day Sunday drinking bender, a tradition as old as Stoke itself.

Longton High Street, yesterday

Drug dealers in the city also reported slow business, with sales of heroin the lowest since recods began.

A 41 gun salute was reported in Fegg Hayes, though this was not an official part of the celebrations, just some rival gangs shooting at each other at a local park.

Stoke Police Chief: Passion And Commitment More Important Than Technique

Stoke's highest ranked police officer, Chief Jimmy Legs, has defended the policing style of Stoke police officers after coming under criticism.

"Passion and commitment are more important than 'fancy dan' notions like technique or strategy," he said to reporters at a press conference in the BBQ area at Hanley Police Station.

This followed criticism in local paper The Daily Oatcake, where columnist Cheg Bakewell said Stoke's police officers were "too physical" and used "outdated policing tactics".

Stoke police question some suspicious-looking foreigners

"We police in a style that suits the officers we've got," added Chief Legs."If we had loads of 'fancy dan' officers, we'd police more in that style. Policing is a man's game, and contact is part of what we do. We can't help it if lots of crims are namby pambies who fake injury when we hit them with our truncheons."

Asked if it was time for Stoke's police stations to start using modern forensic techniques, Chief Legs responded: "There's nothing wrong with the way we do things, it's just a different way to what other police use. Beating suspects until they confess is just as valid as using 'science' and 'DNDA', or whatever it's called, to get guilty verdicts."