2014 Review: November

Pearl divers in Lake Burslem discovered the shipwreck of the legendary warship HMS Bollock.

HMS Bollock sank at its launch in 1879, after being hit by the ceremonial champagne bottle, and inspired the phrase "to drop a bollock", meaning "to make a mistake". It was one of the first ships made at the Burslem dockyards.

Due to the depth of the water in Phil Taylor Bay, known in nautical circles as "the graveyard of the great lake", the ship hasn't been seen since, but the advanced technology used by local pearl divers has enabled them to dive deeper then the Royal Navy is able to go.

2014 Review: October

Kip Boogers, the first man in Stoke to receive a double hand transplant, took up boxing.

Kip, who lost his hands in a Wii Sports accident, was given the varnished wooden hands as a temporary measure until science can come up with something better. He will fight under the name "The Bogeyman" and will enter arenas to the song 'I Love It' by Icona Pop.

"Frankly, I think it's unfair that someone with rock hard wooden hands should be allowed to fight, but technically it's not against the rules so we have to allow it," Stoke Boxing Board of Control's Ken Cash said.

2014 Review: September

Animal rights activists across the city celebrated when judges at Stoke's highest court, Fenton Magistrates, declared that whale hunting in Lake Burslem was effectively illegal.

"Local by-laws declared that animals can only be hunted quietly in Lake Burlsem using a fishing rod or bare hands," legal expert Kenny Hater said. As this law pre-dated Stoke's constitution, which allows the free hunting of any creature bigger than humans not including horses or dragons, the judges decided on the legal basis of "first come, first served" that this law should stand.

"Yer whaling vessels now serve no purpose on Lake Burslem and are officially fair game for pirates," fish expert Bill Spatz added. "Now be gone. Aye."

Dolphin baiting is still legal however and was recommended by the judges as fun for all the family.

2014 Review: August

Due to the accidental release of a DNA altering pathogen, Stoke's citizens reverted into feuding Neanderthal tribes intent on survival at whatever means necessary. By the time a cure was found, over 200,000 Stokies had perished in the ungodly battles. Only one man was arrested by Staffordshire Police for murders committed during this time while being a neanderthal, a man called Mustapha Islam. Elsewhere, Jonathan Wilkes released a new video on YouTube.

2014 Review: July

Residents of the Chinatown area of Hanley rioted and looted after local UKIP councillor Cob Barries refered to China as "an evil empire" and "crap at sport, especially when you consider their population size". By the time Cllr Barries later apologised to China's ambassador to Stoke, most of Etruria had already been destroyed.

War intensified between North and South Longton after one of the South's war hovercrafts was blown up while on patrol along the restricted zone between the two states.

2014 Review: June

Stoke's latest mission to the Moon ended in tragedy when Starship Colin exploded over the M6, near to the Keele services, killing thousands and leaving much of the area with radiation poisoning. Fortunately, winds from the north pushed the radiation cloud further south, where it eventually settled over Stone, making it largely inhabitable for non insects.

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.

2014 Review: April

A plague of scorpions hit the city, killing indiscriminately as they seized control of some of our most vital and strategically located towns. The scorpions were eventually bested when the Great Fire of Stoke swept through the city finishing off the stinging monsters, and much of the city's surviving human population.

The city council's plan to build beaches along all of both sides of the River Trent was finally completed, 60 years after the project was started.

2014 Review: March

An office worker from Birmingham was fired from his job after sending mail addressed to "Joke-on-Trent". After Stoke's Council of Elders protested, and threatened to refer to Birmingham officially as "Bummingham" in the future, Birmingham's High Command backed down and sacked the worker, leaving him destitute and broken.

2014 Review: February

Prehistoric paintings dating back as much as 30,000 years in the cellar of a house in Packmoor were wallpapered over by the owner, Pete Sparrow.

"They were an eyesore," Mr Sparrow, who bought the house in the 1980s from the city council, said. "Just a load of stick people worshipping some long forgotten gods to prevent a disaster, or something. It looks much better now, a lovely floral pattern. And I was sick of people coming to my gaff wanting to see 'em to be honest."

The paintings were discovered when the council houses were built in the 1970s, but have always belonged to the owners of the house and are unable to be protected, due to a quirk in international law.

2014 Review: January

Much of Stoke was destroyed by a giant earthquake that split the city in two, geographically and philosophically. As the two warring factions, the Hunters and the Warlocks, moved ever closer to using nuclear weapons, the sight of a dog and a cat huddling together for warmth in the middle of the disputed zone brought an end to the conflict and life returned to normal. The quake zone was eventually stapled shut.

Women Urged To Stay Safe

Stoke city councillor Ken Gollies has urged women in the city to stay safe this winter by giving up their jobs to stay at home and raise their families instead.

"It's a jungle out there right now," UKIP Cllr Gollies explained. "Women literally can't walk down the street nowadays with getting titted up or jizzed on by passing immigrant pervs. The best place for them is in the home, where they can be safe and warm."

"We're grateful of Cllr Gollies's interest and shall be passing his advice on to our members," Gaby Neville, leader of Stoke women's rights group Clunge Riot said.

Do They Know It's Christmas?

By Steve Hyde, the people's champion.

I've been down to Africa recently and have witnessed first hand the devastation going on there caused by ebola. The pictures I saw on the TV screen in my hotel at the safari reserve in South Africa were truly shocking. My diamond dealer there promised to give a cut of his profits to charities that will give aid, so I feel like I've done my bit to help. Have you?

It's coming up to the Christmas break for us uni students. This year I have been studying ancient languages, which is the twelfth degree course I've started at Staffs Uni. Not everyone in the world is as lucky to be as educated as me though. Many uneducated Eastern European women are being forced to work as sex slaves in our local brothels and parlours. If you are going to visit one of these places, and we all do it, then please make sure you go with a local girl, let's not fund organised crime.

We have a Christmas tradition in our family that my parents spend the holidays at their estate in Antigua, while I stay at home with the servants. This year will be no different, though most of the servants have asked for Christmas off. As I've got some of the lads coming round for a legendary bender, I don't think I can allow it. So spare a thought for anyone you know who has to work over the holidays.

Shopkeep Bemused By Turkey Sales

Local shopkeep Cedric Nentertainer has expressed surprise at a recent upturn of sales of turkey at his store.

"It's really most bizarre," he said. "I've sold fuck all turkeys all year, then all of a sudden people are buying them like crazy. I can't break their necks fast enough. I don't know what has gotten into people."

Dick Wilkesington

Local legend Jonathan Wilkes has been wowing the crowds in panto this year, let's take a look at some of the reviews left on the relevant internet web page.

"I've seen Olivier do Shakespeare, I've seen Dylan play Woodstock. And now, I've seen Wilkes do panto. Thus, the holy trinity of live entertainment is complete as far as I'm concerned." - Jock, Burslem

"To say that Wilkes owned the stage is no exaggeration, as he actually owns all of Stoke." - Harry Minge, Hanley

"Wilkes is the perfect all-round entertainer. I'm betting he'd be a cracking shag too. Top marks." - Betty, Fegg Hayes

"What would be weak material for a normal performer, Wilkes spins into panto gold, like a mad, innuendo-fuelled alchemist." - Mick Beanstalk, Longton

"God knows what Robbie Williams would think of all of this, but he'd probably love anything Jonathan Wilkes was in." - Jamie Dregs, Trent Vale

Scamps Merchandise

Port Vale have officially unveiled their Christmas merchandise range for 2014, a must for all fans of the club.

The highlight is a new range of fragrances for men and women, which include 'Micky Apres Dark' (Pour Homme) and 'Micky Erotique' (Pour Femme), a pair of fragrances by former Scamps manager Micky Adams, and 'Foyle Infinity', which is for both men and women.

Also available will be unofficial Lego figure play sets for all of the Vale's managers, including John Rudge and Brian Horton. The John Rudge set comes with a knife for stabbing Vale fans in the back with, a cement mixer and a spaceship.

Jewellery, clothes and wallpapers designed by famous Scamps fan "Fingers" Phil Taylor are rumoured to be coming in the new year.

School Closes For Christmas

Students, their parents and staff of St Barry's Primary School in Goms Mill were celebrating this morning after headmaster Terry Orange announced that the school would be closed until the new year, giving them a near four week Christmas holiday!

"After the tragic deaths of over 100 of our students and 12 of our teachers yesterday, when that big train derailed and smashed through the school, killing everyone it its path, we feel it wouldn't be right to continue the school term," Mr Orange said. "We hope the survivors enjoy the extended Christmas break and return on 05 January ready to learn."

Shopkeep Bemused By Sales Trends

Stoke shopkeep Cedric Nentertainer has expressed surprise at a recent upturn of sales of knitwear at his store.

"It's most bizarre," he said. "I've sold little in the way of knitted goods all year, then all of a sudden people are buying anything made of the stuff. I can't stock it fast enough. I really don’t know what has gotten into people."

Gay Man Beats Straightie

"I can't believe what I saw, everything I've ever believed in is a lie." Those are the words of body builder Jock Toshacks, who witnessed gay dancer Jules Swag beat gym trainer Tob Bunnies in an arm wrestling match at a local championship last night.

"This will send shockwaves through the straight community," cultural commentator and anthropologist Nicholas Scrubber said. "It will probably lead to straight people being labelled as being weak or sissy. Straight kids are likely to get bullied in school because of this. IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!"

"Maybe this makes me gay now," losing wrestler Tob said after the bout. "I've never done anything gay before. I've done broral obviously, but that doesn't count."

Stoke Strangler Voted Britain’s Best

Leading local serial killer the Stoke Strangler, whose real identity is still unknown, has been voted Britain's best ever by school children in the city.

"This shows that civic pride is alive and well amongst our nippers," city councillor Jinky Watkins wrote on the city's official website. "This can only be a good thing, especially if we ever go to war and need willing combatants."

The results were: 

Stoke Strangler (75%)

Fred West (12%)

Harold Shipman (5%)

Other (8%)

Last place with no votes was the Cockney Cutter.

Turn The Page!

Women in the city have been reminded to turn over the pages of their Sir Cliff Richard calendars to December to help beckon in the Christmas period.

"Sir Cliff has bossed Christmas for decades," fan Judith Portions enthused. "As soon as you see his lovely face, that's when Christmas truly begins."

"This year our Christmas prayers will have extra poignancy as we will be hoping for Sir Cliff to get let off the legal problems as well as our other wishes," Sir Cliff fan club president Mary Honkers said.

"Only a devil woman could accuse Sir Cliff of such things! Or in this case a devil young boy. Free the Living Doll One!" Judith added.