He's Back!

One of Stoke's most feared and reviled crims, the nawty wittle boy, has resurfaced and terrorised a wedding party in Burslem.

Dressed in his trademark nappy and bonnet, the man, thought to be around 40 years old, stormed into Ballroom 17 at the Burslem Hilton hotel and proceeded to cause chaos.

"While you're down there..."

Pranks included pushing over the uncut wedding cake, claiming the first dance with bride Mandy Pitstop and grabbing the DJ's microphone to make an impromptu best man speech, done in baby talk, and referring to the bride as him mummy.

The man then stood in the middle of the dancefloor and pissed himself, while staring at the bride and groom, before saying his catchphrase ("I been a nawty wittle boy") and running off into the night.

New Bus Timetables

First Midlands has unveiled its new bus timetables and routes for the city, which will go into effect from tomorrow.

The biggest change is that all bus routes will now pass through Fegg Hayes and all bus drivers will have to wear the official new First uniform, which is a Pottermus onesie.

"We're not happy about this," bus driver union spokesman Keith Bepden said. "Aside from looking ridiculous, the uniforms are completely unsuitable for driving in. A driver shouldn't have to worry about being able to see the road or oncoming traffic through the mouth hole of a big hippo suit."

"Easy now," rival First spokesman Tengy Bapfeet replied. "This company is a symbol and representation of Stoke in public transport form, and nothing says Stoke like Pottermus. The uniforms are here to stay, we've had great feedback from customers. Fuck the drivers, the stuck up bastards."

Buttons Unleashed

One of Stoke's most prolific bloggers, the self-styled "average Stokie", Frank Buttons, has decided to write his autobiography following dissatisfaction with the readership numbers of his blog, Buttons Online.

Provisionally entitled Buttons Uncut, or possibly Buttons Unleashed, the book will detail Frank's life in Stoke and personal passions, which include model railways and rock icon Phil Collins. The two chapters about the bald rocker will include one on why Phil is the most underrated and under-appreciated rock star of our times, and the other will simply list Phil's best songs from across his career, as well as anecdotes from Frank about the songs and memories he has of them.

The book will also feature occasional chapters where Frank puts the world to rights, spouting off about immigration, benefit cheats and gays.

Frank will self-publish the book and will release it in time for the busy Christmas market.

Couples Charity Drive

Several couples from Fegg Hayes have got together to help raise money for a local children's charity, the Little Tommy Trust.

The wife swappers will be hosting a free-for-all party this Friday at Fegg Hayes Town Hall, with a £10 entry fee.

Singles are encouraged to join in the fun too. "This is for a good cause so we don't want to discriminate," organiser Barry Hotcakes said. "It's what Little Tommy would have wanted if he hadn't been mauled to death."

ConCon

This past week, Stoke has played host to one of the most important conventions of the year: ConCon, a convention about conventions.

One of the main announcements of the week long event was that Stoke has won the rights to host BronyConUK 2015, one of the most loved and feared shows on the convention circuit.

Bronies are men who love My Little Pony, but in a non-weird or sexual way... or so the press release claims. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever!… the press release says. Again.

BronyConUK 2015 will be held at the Burslem Hilton in July. Tickets are already available to pre-order.

New Stokie Dictionary Announced

The line up for the official 2015 Stokie dictionary has been announced, and word fans can rejoice as many local favourites have been included into Stoke's official vocabulary.

New words that have made the cut include bro*, broral** and bromophobia***.

"These new words reflects Stoke's position as a leading university city as these are mainly words the young people use, especially frat boys and uni students," language expert Clarence Pigpuncher said. "The future is bright, the future is Stoke."

Words that have been left out of the latest dictionary, and as such are no longer considered suitable for use in polite conversations in Stoke, include: assclown, fuckglove, fucktart, scragg-end and shitsocker.

* bro = close friend, party dude

** broral = when one bro sucks off another bro, normally when the bro receiving the sucking off is feeling down. Perceived as homosexual by people who don't understand the special bond between bros, but it isn't

*** bromophobia = a fear of bros, a fear that one of your bros might be gay, or what they do is gay

Staffordshire Police To Take Christmas Break

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks has confirmed that the force will be closing down over Christmas.

"Because of government cutbacks, and staff wanting time off over Chrimbo, we have decided to close for a couple of weeks from 22 December until 04 January 2015," PC Shanks explained. "Before and after that we will be offering an almost full service. An awesome service, some might say. But for this time period, we won't really be doing anything."

PC Shanks has played down fears that the lack of police will lead to an explosion of crime in the city.

"The facts are that most crims are too lazy to do anything over Christmas," PC Shanks said. "Having bobbies on the beat is kind of pointless. And some of the work local vigilantes have been doing recently is outstanding, real top stuff. You'll be alright, don't worry. These things have a way of working themselves out."

Stoke Illuminations Turned On

The annual switching on of the world famous Stoke Illuminations took place last night in Hanley in front of astonished onlookers and well wishers.

Special celebrity guest Paul Danan did the honours shouting "Light me up, motherfuckers!" as he pressed the switch.

Hanley's War Memorial

The night took a turn for the worse when the event was invaded by middle eastern terrorists, who killed random members of the public and took hostages.

Fortunately, a group of pensioners took matters into their own hands, beating up the terrorists with hammers and burning their dead bodies.