Stoke’s Rap Community Hits Back At Crewe

Hip hop artists in Stoke have rapped back at two teenagers from Crewe whose song, 'Streets of Crewe', has been an internet "sensation"...

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Internet-rap-stars-critics-controversial-video/story-16209019-detail/story.html

MJB and Illusion’s hard hitting portrayal of Crewe, a place where you can see "10-year-old children buying fags", has been mocked in Stoke, home of the most vibrant hip hop scene in England.

"The song's a fantasy," says MC Davezilla of the Stoke Solid Crew. "Ev’r’one knows Crewe’s a dump, but ain’t no guns. Word."

"Ain't nobody worth shootin' there, just white trash, ya feel me?" added MC Stevezilla, a member of the same crew.

You can watch the video for 'Streets of Crewe' here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OfRT2Z2cLY

Norton rapper Denny G was the first MC to rap back at MJB and Illusion:

Those Crewe boys make me laugh so hard

Make me think "what a pair of fucktards"

If they come and try it

I’m gonna let em have it

Shove my uzi up their muthafuckin' arse and fire it

Longton-based rhymemaster Prince Killa, who made the notorious album 'Straight Outta Longton', soon added his thoughts via the medium of rap:

Yo daddy so proud o’ ya

I wish you were Marvin Gaye

So yo daddy would kill ya

Aiiii

Finally, here was MC Davezilla's response:

Don’t lie to me fool

Ain't no guns in crewe

Betta not cum to stoke

Cus we’ll shoot ya in the throat

Everyone in Stoke's hip hop community is eagerly awaiting a response from the Crewe massive.

Super-Villains Look To Stoke

For years, Stoke City fans have sung that "Stoke are super" (to the tune of Cliff Richard's 'Devil Woman'); little did these wife-beaters, alcoholics and psychos know that it might actually be true!

It has been reported in today's national newspapers that several international super-villains are looking at locating their bases in Stoke.

"Stoke's high number of aggressive, unemployed, nutters would make ideal henchmen," says employment expert Sharon Quigler. "And with Stoke's location in the middle of the country, plenty of cheap land and property available, and mountains for sale in the northern Fegg Hayes area, Stoke could be the ideal place for any super-villain to set up base."

Only one super-villain, Dr Klondike, currently based in Monte Carlo, has so far commented on the reports. "Stoke is one of a number of locations we are looking at," he said.

Independence For Stoke Would Be "Mint" Says SNP

SNP (Stoke National Party) councillor Barry Bravo says independence would allow Stoke to build a stronger city, by putting economic control in the hands of its voters, and it would allow the city council to build a big wall to the south of the city to stop people from Stone getting in.

Speaking before party leader Steve Cockblaster launched the Stoke National Party's official campaign for independence, Bravo said the central point of independence was to hand political power over to the people of Stoke. "What we're arguing is that it's best to have a situation where the big decisions about Stoke, about our future, are taken by the people who care most: Stokies," Bravo told Signal Gold's 'Politics Goes Pop!' programme.

"It's not about breakup of Staffordshire or England, it's not about separation," Bravo added. "We can continue to share things like the M6 or deliveries of Wright's Pies where that makes sense but independence puts powers over our economy and political life into the hands of the people of Stoke, who've proven themselves to be clever political analysts in recent years."

Bravo rejected suggestions that Stoke's independence would be undermined because it would continue to use sterling as its currency and allow the Bank of England (and not the Bank of Stoke) to control monetary policy. He said that an independent Stoke and the UK would share very similar economies: "Stoke's call centre and betting shop wealth added to whatever money the rest of the UK could generate would greatly help the overall balance of payments for both countries."

"Lower Class" People Should Be Allowed To Vote, EU Tells Tories

Working class people in Stoke and the UK must be given the right to vote, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) has ruled, though Tory ministers may determine to differentiate the different types of "lower classes".

The appeals section of the Strasbourg court reaffirmed its decision that blanket disenfranchisement of all those who the Conservative Party would consider to be "lower class" or "mongrels" is illegal and imposed a fresh timetable for Britain's delayed compliance with similar past rulings.

Tory MP Philip Davies

The Tory party has been repeatedly told by Europe to give equal rights to all. The Tory-led government last year voted overwhelmingly to defy the ECHR and re-introduce a ban on any "lower class" or "different-looking" people being allowed to vote at elections.

The Strasbourg court gave the UK government six months to comply with the ruling, saying further unnecessary delay could not be contemplated given how much time has already passed since the court's ruling. A Tory spokesman said: "This is a judgment which is a pain in the arse to implement. But we will consider it carefully, and its implication on the issue of voting in the UK, but we will come to the conclusion that we are right and only people of proper breeding should be allowed to vote."

Sanctions Against North Longton Being Breached, Says UN

Ten thousand packets of cigarettes, 1200 bottles of Lambrini and a handful of second-hand Vauxhall Nova cars are among the latest reported breaches of a UN ban on luxury goods sales to North Longton, according to a confidential draft UN report that Eye on Stoke has obtained. Don't ask us how.

Fenton councillors told a UN panel of experts that North Longton had also imported thousands of "Paul's Boutique" hoodies and thousands of pounds worth of spray tan.

"Paul's Boutique" clothes,
not at all chavvy

Two rounds of UN sanctions imposed on North Longton for recent firework tests it carried out ban the sale of luxury items to locals. It was also hit with a arms embargo and is forbidden from trading in mobile phones.

The UN panel also said it was investigating possible North Longton firework-related sales to Crewe and Stone.
The panel of experts wrote that North Longton residents and visitors said luxury cars such as Vauxhall Novas were seen in the city and that luxury goods, including fake Timex watches,  were openly available.

The report is printed on embossed paper, and watermarked with a picture of Angelina Jolie.

Stoke's Council Of Elders Pledge To Keep Greece In EU

Stoke's leaders have wrapped up their negotiations on the European crisis at Camp David on Saturday with a pledge to keep Greece in the eurozone and to promote growth.

The communique represents a victory for Stoke's elders, President Obama and the new French president, Francois Hollande, over German chancellor Angela Merkel, once described as "an unfuckable lard-arse" by Silvio Berlusconi.

But it may be shortlived. The communique was short in detail and Merkel could re-establish her dominance next week at an informal European meeting to be held in Fegg Hayes.

Stoke's elders clashed with Merkel on Saturday, demanding she drop her G8 resistance to setting out a clear path for Europe out of its crisis. Measures resisted by the Germans included a looser monetary policy for the European Central Bank that would enable quantitative easing similar to that deployed by the American Federal Reserve and the Bank of Stoke.

Cameron: Parenting Classes Not Just Aimed At Working Class

Parenting classes are being introduced for everyone, not just for working class people or Stokies, Prime Minister Dave Cameron has declared as he announces measures to help the "momma-bitches" and "poppa-bitches" raising Britain's next generation of "hoes" and "pimps".

Cameron, whose 'Well Reem Parent' initiative will fund parenting classes to new parents through £100 vouchers handed out at Boots stores, said: "This represents years and years or research that's all in my head". He added he wanted Britain to be a "fanny state" rather than a "nanny state".

The parenting classes in 10 two-hour sessions will offer advice on reading, writing, behaviour and spray tans. The prime minister has already launched a strong defence of parenting classes. "It's ludicrous that we should expect people to train for hours to do a spray tan or wax a woman's fanny, but when it comes to looking after a wee nipper, we tell people to just get on with it," he told reporters in Essex.

The idea, drawn up by the prime minister's departing media guru Andy Coulson, is the government's response to the London riots of last summer.

"Crim" Released, Probably Guilty

Mackenzie Shenton became one of the youngest people ever to be released from criminal detention in Stoke today when Fenton Magistrates Court, the highest court in Stoke, released him after he served seven years in a cell at Hanley Police Station after having been arrested for "lingering with intent".

Shenton, 24, emerged with his mother, Sue (aged 50), on to the steps of the court, where, in front of a crowd of chavs and crims, he was sprayed with WKD by the friends and supporters who have long campaigned for his release.

Shenton, of Longton, was just 18 when he was arrested by Staffordshire Police for "lingering with intent" near to Tesco in Longton. He was kept in cells awaiting criminal charges for seven years. The magistrates court is now expected to ask Staffordshire Police to drop all charges against him.

Outside the court, Staffordshire Police spokesman, PC Barry Shanks, said: "I am just shocked. I knew this would happen, the courts are a load of shite. Staffordshire Police has gone through hell, keeping this little scrote in our cells for seven years without charge, it is like we were all being tortured. All of us have suffered. We kept him out of society's reach, and this is the thanks we get?"

The only evidence against him was two witnesses who claimed Shenton was "looking shifty" near to the supermarket. One of the witnesses was a middle class old woman, the other was a Daily Mail reader.

Shenton's release comes after a campaign run by friends and family and supported by the entertainer Jonathan Wilkes. Wilkes criticised Staffordshire Police and demanded answers. He said there had been "a cocking outrageous miscarriage of justice" on BBC's Blue Peter. He also added: "This is up there with OJ Simpson's sensational trial of the 1990s as one of the best, and you can read all about my take on it in my forthcoming book, 'Jonathan Wilkes: The Long Walk to Freedom'."

More Stoke Facts

More than 25,000 people live in each square mile of Stoke.

Tunstall's Chinatown has the largest Chinese community in the Western world.

In 2011, Stoke had 150 million visitors. Most of them were people driving along the M6.

Stoke was purchased from native Americans for £24.

A typical Native American

Stoke is known as the "Venice of England" for its canal system. The canals are the Trent & Mersey Canal and Cauldon Canal.

Stoke is home to 58 different species of nettles.

South Longton is 75% landfill.

More Famous Stokies

Captain Edward Smith
Captain of the RMS Titanic. Which sank. James Cameron blames him, I couldn't be bothered to find out if he's right or not.

Rachel Shenton
Actress who stars in TV show 'Hollyoaks' and web series 'Blood and Bone China'.

You can watch 'Blood and Bone China' here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/BloodandBoneChina

Sir Oliver Lodge
Physicist and writer who also conceived the spark plug.

Slash
Former Guns N' Roses guitarist was raised in Stoke before moving to America.

Wendy Turner-Webster
Anthea Turner's sister.

100 Not Out!

Local old woman Doris Ahmed reached her 100th birthday yesterday, and celebrated with booze, cigarettes and male strippers!

Doris thinks she reached 100 because she still likes to live well: "I still look after myself. Every day, I have a small bottle of whiskey and a packet of fags."

Son Barry, aged 62, who lives in a caravan in Bentilee, said: "Mum used to enjoy clubbing and was a bit of a character around Hanley's trendy nightspots. She would go out often and would party with quite a lot of people. She would sometimes be gone on benders for days at a time. She was voted Stoke's 'Mum of the Year' on 3 occasions."

Care home manager Lynn Garner said: "Everyone at the home would like to wish Doris a very happy birthday. And thank her for the strippers."

Longton Rocked By Blasts

Longton has suffered its worst terrorist attack since the start of the recent gang ceasefire when 25 people were reported killed and nearly 400 injured in twin suicide car bomb blasts near Tesco.

Westsiders blamed Southsiders for the attack on Thursday, saying it was carried out "in the service of the interests of Israel". Southsiders in turn accused Westsiders of carrying out the bombings to smear them as terrorists.



Longton, before the bombings

The death toll was the biggest in Longton since the start of the peace process of recent weeks. "Two booby-trapped Vauxhall Novas loaded with more than 1,000kg of fireworks and stink bombs and driven by suicide bombers carried out the terrorist blasts," said a statement by Longton councillor Ken Walley. The explosions left two large craters, later filled with water and used as "fun pools" by locals. Stoke City TV showed bodies lying in the street amid smouldering vehicles.

The blasts have been condemned internationally. Kofi Annan, the special envoy for the UN and Arab League, said it was vital to implement his six-point plan for peace in Longton. Buck Clamknocker, the US ambassador to Stoke, said the bombings "remind us of the urgent need for a political solution in Stoke before it is too late".

One angry local racist the bombings as the work of "EU-backed eurocrats". A Port Vale fan website showed the man pointing to the debris and saying: "Is this freedom? This is the work of asylum seekers."

"Bunters" Join Civil Service Strike Just To Annoy Jeremy Clarkson

Stoke's teams of "Bunters", private badger hunters employed by the city council to keep Stoke's badger population under control, have joined in today's strike by civil service unions to show their support for the protesting angry workers, and to annoy Jeremy Clarkson.

It is estimated that up to 400,000 public sector employees are protesting nationwide against the government's austerity programme, with thousands of people expected to attend events in Stoke. Surveys suggest 80% of strikers are protesting solely to rile Mr Clarkson.

About 2,000 bunters are due to march in Stoke today and plan to wear black caps to mark job losses. Speaking on Signal Gold's breakfast show, one  bunter said he was striking just to annoy Jeremy Clarkson. "I couldn't care less about the unions, but I really hate that smug tory bastard Jezza Clarkson. I'm striking 'cus I know how angry he'll get. And have you ever noticed how he looks like a cross between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles? How weird is that?"

Government ministers have criticised the strikes. Michael Gove said: "This strike is completely unnecessary and we believe Jeremy Clarkson will find it unacceptable. The happiness of right-wing celebrities is of the utmost importance to this government and we will use contingency plans to ensure we can distract Clarkson with sports cars."

Longton Gangs Call Truce

Two of the largest rival gangs in Longton have recently called a truce, leading to its first murder-free day for years. Much of the violence is blamed on Longton drug cartels that use the town as a transit point for the whole of Stoke. Imprisoned gang leaders announced in a press conference in the play pen area of HMP Werrington today that they have declared Stoke's schools as peace zones. It was an event greeted with astonishment and celebration: on Wednesday 09 May nobody was murdered in Longton.

That this should be news underlined how much this small Stoke town has become accustomed to about 15 murders a day, one of Stoke's highest rates. The murder-free day reflected a dramatic fall in gang violence, beginning during school holidays in April. Last week there were, on average, about five killings a day.

A "gang-banger" in Longton

But the now relatively-peaceful slums of Longton are hardly jubilant. Instead, they are watchful, tense and suspicious. "This is a peace negotiated behind closed doors that fails to address the underlying causes of violence," said local priest Derek Murphy, who works in communities riven with gang violence. "This is a thug's peace."

Such scepticism is widespread. Bloodshed has decreased not because poverty has disappeared, or because the ramshackle town has acquired effective police, courts and jails, but because the two most powerful gangs, the Southsiders and Westsiders, have called a truce.

"There will be 200 fewer dead Longtonians a month," said Mick Walley, a former gang member who now rehabilitates others through the group Longton Homies. "This is an opening, part of a peace process that we have been pushing for years."

Badger Rescued (Or: Health And Safety Gone Mad)

A 999 call spoke of a badger entangled in plastic in a pond... and the fire brigade responded by sending five crews comprising 25 firemen and three engines. But when the crews arrived, they refused to enter the knee-deep water because of potential safety risks.

They then stood by and watched as an angry loner stripped down to his pants and untangled the badger from the plastic bag. The badger was unharmed and the angry loner hailed as a hero.

On Sunday night, Staffordshire Fire & Rescue Service denied its response had been excessive insisting it was "standard procedure" for 25 firefighters to be sent to emergencies due to strict protocols. A spokesman said: "We don't know what we are facing when a 999 badger-related call comes in. The crews were scrambled to a back yard in Carcass Road in Burslem at about 2pm on Saturday to see what they could do. In this case, not much."

An RSPCA inspector had rushed to the pond, where a large crowd had gathered, but subsequently called 999 because she did not have the proper badger rescue equipment. Within minutes of arriving, fire officers deemed it unsuitable for firemen to wade in to save the floundering animal.

"It is health and safety gone mad," said onlooker Ginny Lakefister. "It was a kiddy's play pond, they could have gone in."

Cost Of New Death Row Facility On The Rise

The cost of new housing for HMP Werrington's growing number of Death Row inmates will exceed estimates by nearly £20 million, and the compound could run out of space soon after it is completed, according to a city auditor's report released on Friday.

The auditor's new £200 million price tag for the project, which is expected to be completed by 2015, is new bad news for a city council facing millions of pounds in budget shortfalls.

"This is a giant bollock of a black hole," said councillor Caecilius Holt. "It's a never-ending gravitational force that'll continue to suck away Stoke's money that should be spent on local government, education, health and hog roasts."

HMP Werrington's current Death Row

The new complex would house a maximum of 1,000 death row inmates, providing adequate capacity upto 2000 if most inmates are housed two per cell, the report said. But if plans for double-celling are challenged in court and the council loses, HMP Werrington could run out of space in three years. "We would simply go back to square one after having spunked all this money," said councillor Jamie Muffman.

Plans for new housing for HMP Werington's Death Row inmates got its initial boost five years ago when prison officials requested £100 million and the council elders approved the spending. New facilities were needed, prison officials said, because the existing units don't meet Stoke's standard for maximum-security facilities.

The city council placed its latest construction cost estimate at £200 million, with extra funds to be raised by selling advertising space on prison walls and on prisoners themselves.

Local Drugs For Local People

A ban on "outsiders" (non-Stokies) buying marijuana came into effect in parts of Stoke today, with a protest planned in Longton. 

Cannabis is technically illegal in Stoke, but it is sold openly in small amounts all over the city under the city council's famed tolerance policy.

The city council has said that, as of today, only people with a Stoke accent, or a tattoo of one the badges of local football teams Stoke City or Port Vale, will be allowed to purchase the drug, and non-Stokies are not eligible.

The policy does not take effect in Longton until next year, and may never do so. Locals oppose the idea and drug dealers there will disobey the policy. Stoners plan a protest there later today, if they can be bothered to get up on time.

In Profile: Donald Neilson (aka: "The Black Panther")

Although he was actually born in Yorkshire, Donald Neilson is so synonymous with the local area that he's become a kind of honorary Stokie over the years, much like Peter Crouch is today!

Born Donald Nappey on 01 August 1936, the same day as Yves Saint Laurent and opening day of the Berlin Olympics, Donald Neilson would go on to become known as one of the most famous serial killers and criminals ever to have operated in the Stoke area!

After a relatively normal childhood, bar teasing for his surname, and some time in the Army, where he was also bullied because of his name (thanks to "our brave boys"), Neilson eventually changed his name from Nappey so his daughter wouldn’t have to go through the same experiences of bullying that he did!

Settling with his family in Bradford, Neilson had to go "on the rob" to make ends meet, and he became one of this Britain's most innovative and ground-breaking burglars, committing hundreds of break-ins without arrest! He even fooled police by changing the methods of his break-ins on a regular basis to fool the police into thinking they were after multiple robbers! Unfortunately, being a ground-breaker doesn’t always pay the rent, and Neilson (now living in Cheshire) moved on to armed robbery, targeting post offices.

It was now that he claimed his first kills, and his nickname "The Black Panther". He got this name after the wife of one of his victims described Neilson as "so quick, he was like a panther". This, added to his preference for wearing black clothing when he was on the rob, is what gave him his name!

The "Black Panther" now became Britain’s Most Wanted Man, and Neilson plotted his most audacious crime to date: the kidnapping of Lesley Whittle, heiress to a coach transport fortune! Taking Whittle from the family home in Shropshire, Neilson brought her to Kidsgrove, where she was kept at the bottom of a drainage shaft. Whittle was to die here, but it is still unclear to this day how this happened.

Nine months later, in December 1975, Neilson was eventually caught. After taking two police officers hostage at gunpoint (in their own car), two members of the public helped to overpower him, handcuffing him to some railings. The locals got a bit carried away and continued beating the crap out of Neilson when he was chained up, so much so the police officers had to intervene to protect him from the public!

Returned to Kidsgrove Police Station for questioning, Neilson confessed to Lesley Whittle’s kidnapping but said that Whittle had hung herself accidentally.

Shamefully, Neilson did not stand trial in Stoke, but instead in Oxford (damn southerners claiming all the glory, as usual). Worse still, he would serve his time at HMP Norwich, not HMP Werrington. Neilson was eventually convicted of 4 murders, kidnapping, blackmail, burglary, GBH, possession of a firearm and possessing a shotgun with the intent of endangering life. He was sentenced to five life sentences plus a further 61 years. He always claimed that he did not kill Lesley Whittle, but that she died by accident.

Neilson died in December 2011.

Stoke Votes Tulisa "Most Influential Woman"

Singer Tulisa been voted the most influential woman of the last 100 years by readers of local paper The Evening Sentinel! The 23-year-old (real name: Tulisa Chavros) took over two-thirds of the votes, which topped 100,000.

In second place was Margaret Thatcher, while Cher Lloyd, Anthea Turner and Sue Barker made up the top five.

They and other contenders will feature in an upcoming photo exhibition at Hanley library called 'Stoke: Our Love of Women'.

Sunday marks the 100th Stoke Women's Day, an event which is celebrated around the city. The first Stoke Women's Day was held in 1912, sponsored by WKD, to highlight 'unacceptable and often dangerous' conditions if women worked for a living, meaning they’d be better off staying at home raising the kids. That day brought more than a 100 Stokies out into the street and now some forthcoming events are being held to celebrate women's contribution to Stoke.

The full results of the poll:

Tulisa 70.5%

Margaret Thatcher 5.5%

Cher Lloyd 5%

Anthea Turner 4.5%

Sue Barker 4%

Beyonce 3.5%

Cheryl Cole 3%

Coleen Rooney 2%

"Peter Crouch’s Wife"1%

Emmeline Pankhurst 0.5%

Others 0.5%

Peter Crouch: An Apology

Last week, Eye on Stoke reported that Peter Crouch once killed a man with a snooker-ball-in-a-sock before using the dead mans blood in a Voodoo ceremony, after which there was a naked "roasting" orgy involving soccer stars Rory Delap and Wayne Biggins, as well as a bevvy of local beauties including Anthea Turner and Crystal O’Future.

We also reported that Mr Crouch "puts a tube containing bees on his knob" with the intention being that "the bee-stings will make his knob bigger".

We now accept that these stories were untrue and apologise to Mr Crouch.

Euro 2012 Boycott?

Stoke's Council of Elders have said they will boycott football tournament Euro 2012 in protest at the jailing and subsequent treatment of Ukraine's opposition leader Yulia Tymoshenko. A spokesman for the Elders said they would only visit Ukraine if Ms Tymoshenko is released from prison and human rights in the country are improved.

The councils stance has been backed by German chancellor Angela Merkel, and other EU leaders have since said they may join Stoke and Germany in boycotting all matches held in the Ukraine, who are co-hosting the event with Poland.

Ms Tymoshenko is being held in a prison in Kharkiv. Photographs surfaced last week of bruises on her body, which she says were inflicted by prison guards, but several Ukrainian celebrities have said the injuries were self-inflicted. Tymoshenko, the former prime minister, was jailed for seven years in October after a politically motivated show trial.

England is in the same qualifying group as Ukraine, and plays the host nation in Donetsk on 19 June.

Dave Holdcroft, Stoke's councillor for Europe, said the city council should make it clear that there will be no official Stoke presence at Euro 2012 unless Tymoshenko is released immediately and given medical treatment. If Kiev refuses to heed to Stoke’s concerns, England's three matches should be played in neighbouring Poland instead, or back home in Stoke.

The criticism from Stoke has provoked a sharp response from Kiev. On Sunday, foreign ministry press spokesman Niko Rotoshiv accused Stoke of cold-war thinking. "I didn't think that the statesmen of Stoke are capable of using the methods of the cold war. I hope this threat of a boycott is a big sweaty load of hairy bollocks."

In an apparent swipe at Stoke's cosy relationship with Russia, Rotoshiv added: "Other countries in the region have more problems with democracy than Ukraine, but Stoke politicians are happy to get their free tickets and shut up for events held there."