Stoke Accent Voted The Best

A poll of people in Stoke has found that the Stoke accent is the nation's favourite.

"This is a bit of a surprise," says bookmaker Henry Tootsworth. "We had Stoke's accent at 10,000-1 to win. This will break me."

The Cockney accent came last with 0 votes.

The full results are:

1. Stoke (80%)

2. Peter Crouch (15%)

3. "Black" (2%)

4. Geordie Shore (2%)

5. French (1%)

The Jonathan Wilkes Explosion

A new Jonathan Wilkes fan club has officially been birthed (and registered with Companies House) called The Jonathan Wilkes Explosion. It has been formed by a splinter group from The Jonathan Wilkes Experience, unhappy at the direction that the Experience is taking into long, freeform, stream of consciousness articles on the all-round entertainer and family man.

"We're called the Explosion cus we're gonna be like the big bang for Jonathan Wilkes fan clubs," says club secretary Wendy Whiggal. "In the future, everything else will refer back to the big bang that was the launch of this club."

The club was originally called The New Jonathan Wilkes Experience, then Jonathan Wilkes's New Experience, but high court injunctions taken out by The Jonathan Wilkes Experience put paid to these names.

"Dos Boca"

Here is another exclusive extract from Monty Deschanel's forthcoming autobiography.

The most fearsome boy at my international high school in Santiago was Carlos Flores, known as "Dos Boca", or "Two Mouth” in English. So called not because he talked a lot, or ate too much, but because he had a scar on his chin that looked like a second mouth. Kind of like a second mouth that had been stitched together and sealed up, just waiting to speak angry words again. In my opinion, Two Mouth was even crazier than Crazy Barry ("Loco Barry") the official school bully. Now that is a fight I would pay to see: Two Mouth vs Crazy Barry. I think anyone who lived in Santiago at that time would agree with me. No rules, no weapons, no clothes, just two physically intimidating but mentally unstable men brawling naked in front of a passionate Chilean crowd wanting blood.

The son of Peruvian ant miners, which should tell you everything you need to know, Two Mouth was an angry, angry child. His signature moves were tipping bins over people's heads and pissing on things. I don't think he could walk past a bin without tipping it over someone. Even if the bin was screwed down and there wasn't anyone within 2 miles, he'd make a screwdriver if necessary out of any available materials to release the bin then spend as long as it took to find someone to tip it over. He was dedicated to the cause at least. Even if you disagreed with him doing it you had to respect his perseverance at least.

As for the pissing, the excuse was always the same: "cat law". Apparently, cats piss on things of which they want to claim ownership. I've never checked if this is true. I remember the time Andrea Rojas wore a new helmet to school. Two Mouth immediately pissed on it, climbing up onto a school desk to give himself the height needed to spray the helmet. Andrea too was a subscriber to cat law and handed over the headgear.

(c) Monty Deschanel 2013

Monty Deschanel Exclusive

Here is an exclusive extract from the forthcoming autobiography of EYE ON STOKE owner, editor, CEO, chairman and creative director Monty Deschanel.

One thing that’s always puzzled me about life in England is the obsession with uniforms. Sure, I can understand a man wanting to see a sexy woman dressed as a cheap hooker or a French maid. For me though, being part French, the French maid's outfit is like a busman's holiday. I'm so used to seeing actual French maids dressed like that doing my housework that I don’t find it in the slightest bit erotic. It just makes me think of dusting trophies.

This obsession extends to all walks of life here, whether it's the corrupt politician in his suit and tie, the pervy vicar in his tight black outfit or the crazy paver in his boiler suit. That's all well and good for grown ups but I say: teachers, leave them kids alone. Making children wear uniforms is a form of oppression designed to drill individuality out of them. I know all about oppression as I've lived under several dictatorships, of both the military and political type, and they use the same reasoning and justification.

Of course, this justification for this is always anecdotal, and never based on any actual studies or evidence. There's always some rich, probably pervy old politician with shiny shoes who has never done a hard day's work in his life saying: "Well, I know I feel more professional when I wear a blazer and tie, so I think everyone else in the world should too."

I don't think children even need proper PE kits. I'm a big believer in shirts vs skins. We didn't have uniforms at schools in Chile, and many kids went to school topless regardless so it didn't take much organising. Pretty much everything in Chile ends up shirts vs skins anyway, including civil wars, whether you want it or not.

(c) Monty Deschanel 2013

Stoke To Host Its Own Hunger Games

Stoke City Council has confirmed that the city is to host its own Hunger Games.

"This is an exciting opportunity for Stoke," says Gerry Hams, city councillor for warfare. "The movie was a worldwide sensation and I don't see why we shouldn't wet our beaks too."

Like in the movie, two youngsters from each of Stoke's towns will be selected to fight to the death in Central Forest Park in Hanley. The winner will get £25,000 and a spot alongside Jonathan Wilkes as a judge on Stoke's Top Talent.

"This is the chance of a lifetime for the winner," adds Cllr Hams. "No bad can come from this."

Money Saving Tips

With money mad Ted Gash

Ted's Crazy Paving in Birches Head is offering to crazy pave the back of your terraced house for half price if you get the get the front done. Bargain!

Boots in Hanley is having a special offer: buy one box of condoms, get one free. I personally prefer to ride bareback (unless I'm with a hooker of course!) as I find it cheaper and more pleasurable, but if you're the sort to saddle up, then this offer is for you.

What's that? You had an accident? Guess what - it wasn't your fault! Ted's Lawyers in Birches Head will aggessively pursue legal action against anyone for very reasonable rates. Call them now and tell them who you want to sue.

Crouchy Blamed For Cable Problems

Stoke City star striker Peter Crouch has been blamed for a host of cable TV problems by local residents.

"Our cable TV has been terrible lately," says Mandy Pickpocket from Birches Head. "I blame Crouchy, mos' def'. He's happy to take the money for promoting the service but none of the responsibility when it fails. Typical footballer."

Residents have complained of pictures cutting out and no service for days at a time.

"I went to a Stoke training session to complain but Crouchy just fobbed me off with a signed beanpole," added Ms Pickpocket. "So I found out where his Mum lives and phoned her to tell her to tell him off. She said she would. I also asked Mark Hughes to drop Crouchy for three matches but I got bored by his response and left."

Question Of The Day

Let me paint a picture for you. With words. Not brushes.

It is the near future. Jennifer Paige, of 'Crush' song fame, has finally made a comeback, most likely. Dave Lee Travis is in court on trial for various crimes. The judge asks the jury for their verdict. "We, the jury, find DLT guilty of all charges before him and of all the other accusations made against him in court."

The judge raises his hand to call for quiet in the courtroom, where a group of pensioners are visibly shocked by the verdict and have all fallen over. "Mr DLT, I have no choice but to sentence you to… death."

As DLT is led away, crying probably, and maybe weeing himself too, an ITV reporter speaks to camera. "The return of the death penalty is what the British people wanted, and that is exactly what they've got."

DLT is strapped into the electric chair, the metal helmet thing lowered onto his head. The executioner general checks everything is in order then steps back to the console. Prime Minister David Cameron nods to give the go ahead.

The executioner general pushes the switch upwards. After a series of sparks, the crowd gasps... as buckets of gunge rain down on the beleagured DJ. The executioner general laughs.

DLT looks up. “EDMONDS!” he shouts. The crown turns to see that the executioner general is really just Noel Edmonds in an outfit. Noel is back, the gotchas are back… the House Party is back. The crowd rejoice.

The question is: would the return of 'Noel's House Party' justify this charade at the taxpayers expense? Leave your vote in the comments below.

Lord Hankey's Column

By Tory Peer Lord Hankey of Bentilee

The motto of my alma mater (St Percy's School For Boys in Newbury) was "destruo imbecillitas" (destroy weakness), and if there's one thing I'm passionate about, it's the complete and utter destruction of the HS2 rail link programme. Some of my ancestors built, or at least project-managed, the building of many of this fair land's train infrastructure and this project is a disgrace. It's unnecessary, environmentally damaging and ugly. It's like adding crazy paving onto Buckingham Palace.

I'd like to congratulate our Oriental friends in Tokyo on being awarded the Olympic games in 2020. I spent some time in Tokyo in the early 1970s, and I'm not embarrassed to say that I fully embraced the culture there, even after my early reservations. I briefly married a local girl out there, a lovely young lass called Kyoto, schooled in all the Eastern arts, who I'd met at the local opium den. The marriage was eventually annulled of course as I was still married to Mrs Hankey, who I'd completely forgotten about, back in Blighty. I don't know what happened to my Kyoto but I heard she went on to marry a French cartographer. Such is life. Anyway, it's safe to say that Mrs Hankey wasn't too impressed by any of this carry on and I had to sleep out in those ghastly guest quarters in the East wing for quite some time before I was allowed back into the marital chambers. I also recall joining a Yakuza gang out there called the Yamaguchi. One of those mafia types as I remember it. It was the damndest thing, driving around Tokyo, hanging out of cars shooting at people you don't know for a turf war you don't understand, I can tell you. I've since had the gang tattoos removed by lasers but the memories are permanent.

Council Vote Controversy Shitstorm

Stoke City Council has been heavily criticised after hosting a vote on its website for people to choose the worst religion.

"Just last week, our vote was for Stoke's best bollards," said city councillor Tuft Makepeas. "I didn't see EYE ON STOKE covering that. No, but as soon as we toss out a hot potato like religion, EYE ON STOKE is the first in there to catch it you fuckers."

Here's a selection of votes and comments from the poll:

"It's gotta be the Catholics cus of all of them paedo priests an that" - Jeff, Dresden

"Call me an ignorant racist but it's muslimism all the way 4 me" - Sharon, Cobridge

"They're all as bad as each other, bunch of simpletons who believe in all that shit" - Travis, Trentham

"All the rest of them aside from Christianity" - Mary, Stockton Brook

Helpiate Of The Masses

By Steve Hyde, showing the softer side of being hardline left-wing.

I met a crippled man in a chair, like Stephen Hawkings or something, just the other day. Seriously. I used an app on my iPhone to mimic his robot speech, to make him feel more comfortable, so that he would think of me as merely an equal and not his superior. Just doing my bit for the children of a lesser god.

Martin Luther King Day in the good ole USA of A reminds me of our own sorry past, when we treated black people as slaves and servants. I too was guilty of this, employing black women as cleaners and cooks at my student house. I did the right thing in the end though and sacked them from their menial jobs to liberate them from my white oppression. Fly free, blackbirds, fly free. I now employ some lovely Eastern European women.

Sunday Sabbath

With Reverend Nigel

The situation in Syria is getting worse all the time. I will say a prayer for the poor people there; without the love and protection of a proper God, they are surely doomed, even if they survive the current war.

Broadcaster Sir David Frost has died. If he tried to take me through God's keyhole before it was my time, I would have been most unhappy. That would have been the week that was (his demise).

My now former best friend, and organist, recently came out as gay. I offered to cure him but he was not interested. If you would like to be the new organist at my church, then please write to: Reverend Nigel Gedge, St Terry's Church, Cobridge, Stoke-on-Trent. Please mark your envelope with the legend "God's musician".