Stoke Success At Glastonbury

If you go around to your dealer's place this weekend looking to score some "charlie", "whizz" or "fozzies", don't be surprised to find they're not home. No, it's not because the rozzers have taken them in, it's because Stoke has won the contract to be the official drugs supplier to the Glastonbury festival.

Live at Glastonbury, right now

"We sell our stuff at a fraction of the price that our colleagues down in that London do," explains drug dealing union spokesman Kev Wimper. "And we're a lot less likely to stab you too."

"This shows that businesses in Stoke are robust in the face of economic struggles," says city council business tsar James Wilkes.

Councillor Promises Crackdown

City councillor Jinky Watkins has vowed to come down hard on people who double-dip at cash machines.

"This is a real problem affecting daily life," said the councillor at a press conference. "This week I've been stuck behind idiots at ATMs on three different occasions where they've used two or more cards while there's a big queue of people waiting behind them. It's ridiculous. And they only get like £10 out on every card, just get £30 on one card you selfish fucktards."

Cllr Watkins says he will write a strongly worded letter to banks in the city telling them to cut it out.

Help For Heroes

Local man Terry Seagull has vowed to donate £1 to the popular charity Help For Heroes for every time a woman sends him a topless picture of herself.

"I'm really into 'selfies' right now," explains Terry. "And, like everyone, I want to back our brave boys. This seems a fitting way to show my support to them."

Terry hopes to raise at least £500.

Invasion Of Pervacy

By Dick Mellor, Not Working Class And Proud

I see that my old friends (and by friends I really mean enemies) at the Guardian are getting their frilly, fair trade knickers in a twist because the American government have been spying on us. Well, boo hoo Mr Guardian, if you've got nothing to hide then it's not a problem. Oh wait, I forgot, all Guardian writers and readers are filthy perverts, desecrating the bodies God gave them as a living totem to His magnificence through the smoking of illegal drugs and depraved sex acts such as pissing on each other for pleasure and anal fisting. If the US Government wants to watch me scour the internet and comment on news stories on the Daily Mail's website or see how much my subscriptions to Cynic Weekly and The Church Times are on my bank statements, then I don't mind one bit, and neither should you. unless you're a pervert, as I described above in moderate detail.

Stokie On A Roll

Terry Hillcock, who really made the world think yesterday when he noticed how quiet the Scissor Sisters have been lately, has sent further tremors through celebrity land with a barbed dig at power couple Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

"I was down t' boozer with t' lads," says Terry. "So I says to 'em: 'Eh, I hear that that Klownye West and Dim Kardashian have had a wee nipper.' I distinctly remember my mate Big Dave saying back to me: 'Yeah, nice one Terry.' I was pretty pleased with that one to be honest."

Stokie Makes Astute Pop Culture Observation

Retired pensioner Terry Hillcock, 37, sent shockwaves through the world of celebrity today when he observed that you don't hear much from American band Scissor Sisters anymore.

"I was taking my mama out all night," recollects Terry. "When I said to the people around me in the pub that the Scissor Sisters don't have the profile they had a few years ago. There was silence then people nodded and agreed, saying things like, 'Yeah, you're right there mate, you don't hear much of them anymore.' I was pretty chuffed with myself."

US Government Admits To Spying

The American government has admitted to spying on people in Stoke.

The admission comes after anger at reports that the Yanks had been using internet service providers and companies such as Google and Yahoo to spy on people in Britain.

America, yesterday

"Yah, we gone done it," said American government spokesman Clip Breecher. "But it was for fun only, y'all. We're not looking for them there terrorists, just a good laugh."

And will this practise be coming to an end now they've been found out?

"Nah, it's too late for that," said Clip. "We'll still be doing it. It's actually harder not to spy on people than it is to actually do it."

Sunday Prayers

With Reverend Nigel

There is continuing troubles in Northern Ireland. I say let them have at it. God is the winner either way.

TV show 'Arrested Development' has returned for a new series on Netflix. Jesus came back from the dead first, quit copying.

There's been lots of trouble in Turkey lately. That's what happens when you choose to worship false idols.

Some politicians have been allegedly offering parliamentary services for money. Jesus performed his miracles for free and yet we've put these corrupt politicians in charge instead of His followers like me? Put the vicars in charge now, it's what God would want.

Stoke Fans Welcome New Gaffer

Stoke City fans have welcomed new manager Mark Hughes to the club by demanding his immediate sacking.

"This is normal for all newcomers to Stoke in all fields of work," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "Stoke is a tough place and we need to know that people have got the gumption to be here."