Punters Fear Post-Brexit Prostitute Price Hike

Punters and Johns from around the city have urged Stoke City Council to ensure a price freeze on sex workers once Britain leaves the EU following last year's Brexit vote.

Dave Holdcroft, president of the Stoke Society of Shaggers [SSS], worries rising inflation and the departure of EU and non-EU citizens from Stoke will lead to a massive price rise for sexual services.

"The price of fanny has already gone up by 10% since June," Dave says. "Foreign fanny is normally cheaper, but when there's none of it about, what the fuck are we gonna do?"

"The fact of the matter is that Stoke slags just don't wanna be pros no more in the way they did in the past," Dave continues. "Local women have gotten lazy. The council needs to regulate and promote the industry, maybe even nationalise it, or Stokalise it, as you might say. This is important."

2016 Review: December

Ancient cave paintings were discovered by students in Packmoor on a school trip, which local historians claim to be over 18,000 years old!

"This is the historical find of the century," Staffordshire University lecturer Quentin Git proclaimed. "These give an insight into ancient humanity that no other similar find in the whole world has ever done. We've yet to decipher everything, like what words like 'dave' or 'shaz' or 'tupac' mean, or why they had a fascination with drawing ejaculating penises, but this changes everything we thought we knew about the world and humanity."

2016 Review: November

After Stoke's ruling Council of Elders announced it would be imposing sanctions against North Korea, supreme Korean leader Kim Jong-un threatened retaliation in the form of nuclear attacks.

Because of this, Stoke resumed its own nuclear weapons programme, carrying out tests in the desert areas to the south of the city. Unfortunately, a missile went astray and hit the nearby town of Stone, destroying the Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service headquarters, and irradiating the rest of the town. A concrete sarcophagus was quickly erected over Stone, trapping in the radiation and any survivors. This meant that no lives were lost in Stoke.

2016 Review: October

Barry's Comet, a near-parabolic comet that only passes Earth every 1,500 years or so, veered off its normal trajectory and crashed into Endon, destroying the town and most of its puny residents.

Rather than trying to help, Stoke City Council set up a hard border at Stockton Brook to stop survivors from flooding into Stoke. "When Endon chose to be a part of the Staffordshire Moorlands rather than Stoke-on-Trent, it chose to do without our help," city councillor Klam Rainbows explained. "And let's be honest, that comet is foreign and could have monsters or anything on it."

2016 Review: September

Disaster struck on the River Trent when a ship carrying a load of AIDS-infested monkeys crashed into Stoke College, releasing the primates and sending them onto a murderous rampage around the Cauldon campus.

After disposing of most of the students, the monkeys stopped for a wank break, at which time a SWAT team from Hanley police station swooped in to kill them with assault rifles, also taking out any remaining students, "just in case".

2016 Review: August

To combat the city centre "cabbagey" smell, Stoke City Council placed a giant 'Sweet Strawberry' Yankee candle in Hanley. The plan started successfully enough until strong winds got up one Saturday night, spreading the fire to nearby buildings, including several pubs and bars, where the alcohol and drugs accelerated the fire. Within hours, the flames engulfed Hanley, killing thousands. The intoxicating fumes of strawberry, beer and cocaine drew many other locals into the fire, eventually burning most of the city centre and its residents to a crisp. The fire was eventually extinguished by gypsies.

2016 Review: July

As Hurricane Barry swept through Stoke, flattening most houses and people in the western half of the city, the surviving residents of the city were touched by the story of Bobby Kittens, who was pulled out from rubble alive ten days after the disaster.

Convicted paedophile and child sex trafficker Bobby, 63, had survived by eating the flesh of children also trapped in the cellar of his house when the building collapsed on top of them. 'The miracle of Peep Street', as the incident became known, inspired documentaries and novels and earned Bobby the freedom of the city, giving him immunity from prosecution for any future crimes he may commit.

2016 Review: June

An aerial display by B-2 bombers ended in disaster when radio messages from an 8 year old boy on a CB radio led to the planes dropping their payloads over Milton and Norton, levelling the towns to the ground.

The boy, Timmy Tupper, who lives at 23b Flip Street in Middleport with his mum Janet, dad Barry, step-dad Terry and step-mum Leeanne, was playing on his CB radio and accidentally tuned into RAF Trentham's local frequency. After ordering the planes to loop the loop he screamed "Bombs away!" leading to the deaths of over 20,00 people.

Despite asking for clemency at his trial, Judge Ted Barcroft ordered the death penalty for Timmy, leading to protests from locals who wanted a stronger sentence. A charity single 'Let Little Timmy Burn' raced to the top of the charts.

2016 Review: May

A giant oil tanker travelling north on the River Trent collided with a booze cruiser, spilling 250 million gallons of oil into the river, causing massive ecological damage to the city, killing literally thousands of birds and fish, and ruining the river's beaches. Faced with a choice between trying to contain the spill or burning off the oil, Stoke City Council chose the latter, starting a fire that still burns to this day, polluting Stoke's air, but whose light has also led to a reduction in street lighting costs for much of the city.

2016 Review: April

25-year-old call centre worker Nigel "Panda" Wilkins was arrested by police in Shelton after he was discovered to have been kidnapping elderly locals and keeping them in his cellar, making them act out scenes from classic sitcoms for his amusement. His scheme was foiled when burglars broke into his house and discovered the pensioners. The crims were hailed as heroes and Staffordshire Police allowed them to keep anything in the house they could fit into their hands and one swag bag as a reward. Wilkins escaped from custody when police officers forgot to lock his cell at night after playtime and is still on the run.