Royal Bank Of Stoke Tax Evasion

One of Stoke's biggest banks, the Royal Bank of Stoke, has admitted using HSBC’s Swiss accounts as a way of avoiding tax.

"A few years ago, we announced pre-tax profits of £100 billion, with post-tax profits being exactly the same number. Nobody said anything at the time or thought anything off about that so we carried on doing it," the bank said in a statement published in the classified section of the Sentinel.

The bank, which has the royal seal of approval from the monarchy of Uzbekistan, has promised to start paying some tax once it gets its accounts in order.

"Most of our accountants now live in Switzerland, so communicating with them is a problem," Hanley branch manager Tek Grimley explained. "When they're back over here visiting though, we'll set them to work right away on setting up the tax stuff."

Stoke Celebrates Oscar Success

The city was celebrating this morning after local champion Oscar Pikey placed fifth in yesterday's county pie-eating championship.

"Being the champion, or CHOMPion, of Stoke is a heavy burden on the monkey on anyone's back," Oscar said. "I was glad to give the thousands of travelling fans something to cheer about."

Oscar finished behind pie-eaters from Leek, Stafford, Burton and Longsdon, but ahead of rivals representing Newcastle and Stone.

"As long as I finished above those two dumps of towns, I'd have been happy," Oscar explained. "Even if it meant finishing third from last."

Condom Sales Fall For Valentines

Sales of condoms in the city have fallen sharply in the run up to Valentine's Day, the city council has said.

"Most men know their women are gonna put out anyway, so now's as good a time as ever to try to talk her into letting them have a go without saddling up," relation expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Uncle Terry commented. "And while they're at it, may as well try to pop it up t'other as well."

"Most condoms sold in the city are used as balloons anyway," full time cynic Jim Schrute said. "This means nothing."

Shopkeep Surprised By Sales Rise

Local retailer Cedric Nentertainer has expressed bemusement at the recent upturn in sales of various gifts at his shop.

"For some reason, I'm getting a rush on flowers and chocolates," he said. "I've sold fuck all lately too. These people are idiots. The flowers are gonna wilt if they're not in the ground. And this is not planting season."

Wife Beating Increase Blamed On Fifty Shades Of Grey

A recent increase in incidents of wife beating in the city have been blamed on the 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' book and film franchise.

"I never realised how sexy getting smacked around was until I read the books," local housewife Tina Backslash said. "Now I love it. It's so trendy, all my girlfriends are doing it."

"My hubbie turned a room in our flat into a red room," Lisa Nanker said. "It's got a Black & Decker workbench, his stash of pornos, his password protected PC and his football boot collection in it. It's so hot. I can't wait for him to smack me in there one day, rather than just beat me in the living room."

An estimated 50% of Stoke husbands already beat their wives, a decline of 10% on this time 100 years ago, according to official figures. This figure is expected to increase dramatically when the film is released this weekend.

"We've been going in the right direction this past century," councillor Katy Terry said. "This kind of thing puts us right back like a bunch of twats."