Transfer Window Latest

Stoke City

Stoke have changed their policy of trying to sign tall African players with a bid for squat Scotsman Charlie Adam, who's a fan of 80s funnyman Russ Abbott. Potters manager Tony Pulis is also keen to sign more central defenders he can play at full-back.

 

Port Vale

Scamps guv'nor Micky Adams is keen on signing a new washroom attendant, with Betty Kinkade of Leek City his main target. Adams is confident a £250 bid will help him get his man. Elsewhere, a new ballboy is a priority, and Scamps chairman Jethro is hoping to bring one in on loan.

 

Spartak Fegg Hayes

The Spartans have been linked with making a £25million bid for Manchester United winger Nani, but face competition from Dynamo Kidsgrove, who are also keen on the wiry winger. Boss Keith Gobbler is also planning a late swoop for roly poly Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart from Tottenham.

Old Woman News Update

In 1997, EYE ON STOKE brought you the following heart-warming story:

Bog standard old woman Gill Horseradish thought she was on the employment "scrapheap" when she reached the age of 90 - until she got a job as a bouncer!

Taking the minimum wage job at Mistress Wendy's Massage Parlour in Cobridge, Gill soon found she had skills beyond hitting over-zealous men with hammers - she was also good at conflict resolution!

"As an old woman, I naturally like to poke my nose into other people's problems," explained Mrs Horseradish. "Which comes in handy when trying to solve problems our whores have with the 'johns' or their pimps."

Since the above was written, Mrs Horseradish has been sentenced to a 50 year prison sentence for racketeering. She will end her pitiful life at HMP Werrington.

Local Football Results

Stoke City 0-0 Arsenal

Peter Crouch managed to keep Arsenal's defence at bay in this Premier League game that was eventually abandoned when it became clear that no-one was going to score. Man of the match: Wayne Biggins.

 

Morecambe 1-3 Port Vale

The "Scamps" stormed to victory in this closely fought Endsleigh League game with two late goals from Pope Tom and another unnamed player in front of 164 spectators at Morecambe's home ground, The Witch's Cauldron. Scamps manager Micky Adams was pleased as punch with the result. "I'm quite literally as pleased as a punch with the result," he told reporters in the after-match jacuzzi.

 

Spartak Fegg Hayes 4-1 Red Star Kidsgrove

Fegg Hayes moved to the top of the Wrights Pies Conference thanks to four goals from goalkeeper Chump Martinez in the opening five minutes of this feisty match at The Castle in front of a poor crowd of 23,000. Seven players were sent off in inury time following a series of dives from opposing players.

Stoke Gets Improved GCSE Results

The number of students in Stoke who got at least one 'C' grade pass in their GCSEs has risen for the first time in 30 years, bucking national trends.

 

Stoke City Council has reported that 10 students across the city passed at least 1 GCSE, a rise on last year, when 8 students got a GCSE pass.

 

 

"This represents a 533% rise," says teacher Sharon Gump. "This shows that the system works and that we know what we're doing. This is the first time the city has hit double figures and puts us ahead of those thieves and scallies from Liverpool."

 

The city council is planning a pub crawl for the successful students.

Pulis: There's Still Room In Stoke's Squad For More Tall, Injury-Prone Players

With Stoke City on the verge of signing Tottenham midfielder Tom Huddletone on loan, manager Tony Pulis has said that he hopes to bring in even more tall players with bad injury records to the club.

"We've got Higginbotham, 'Big Mama' Sidibe, Huthy and Upson to name but a few," said Pulis. "And if Crouchy gets a few knee-knacks, you can add him to the list too. We'll never stop looking to add to that list, we're an ambitious club."

Stoke Destroyed By Nuclear Bomb

There was anger across Stoke today after the city was destroyed by a nuclear bomb launched from an as-yet-unknown country.

"I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty pissed off about this," said city councillor Pols Voice. "My wife will be annoyed too, as we just got a new patio. That's ruined."

Even if they survived the blast damage and thermal radiation effects of the bomb, any surviving Stokies can expect to be killed by the radioactive contamination in the air.

Survivors have been told to hide under tables to avoid the fallout.

Should Peggy Silk Get The Death Penalty?

Peggy Silk has one last chance to save his life. After 19 years on death row in HMP Werrington for the murder of two young women, he has been granted a final opportunity to persuade a Stoke elder that he should be spared execution by electric chair. There is one simple issue: should Peggy Silk live or die?

"There's no smoke without fire," says pool cleaner Hem Chatsworth. "Even if he didn't kill 'em, he probably molested 'em or something. Fry the fucker."

"The police wouldn't have charged him if he wasn't guilty," adds investment hunter Ken Barry. "So he must have done it."

"People say the death penalty doesn't reduce crime," says Derek Clamblaster, 50. "But it reduces it by one. Think about it."

"Scream, piggy, scream!" laughs Professor Jen Killbot of Staffordshire University. "I've always said: 'shoot first and asked questions later', and I see nothing to change that here."

Special Investigation: The Peter Principle

With Stoke's economy still in trouble, and a recent survey I undertook of my staff found that they consider the average manager to be "about as competent as a useless bastard", EYE ON STOKE will help to explain one of the reasons behind one of the problems hindering many businesses, known as "The Peter Principle".

The Peter Principle theorises that the average manager is promoted beyond their skill level, and is in essence, incompetent. The theory was first written by Dr Laurence J. Peter in 1967, later expanded with the help of Raymond Hull in 1969.

The theory states that when an employee has reached their level of incompetence, their trajectory within the organisation will end and that person will normally remain at that level, spending much of their time having to cover up their incompetence, often pinning the blame onto other people.

Other problems are also created. The incompetent manager will often be in charge of recruitment or deciding promotion, leading to a situation where an organisation is increasingly filled with incompetent staff, especially at higher levels.

Other parts of the theory include the idea that "work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence" and the notion of "managing upwards", whereby subordinates find ways to subtly "manage" their own managers to try and limit the damage they can cause.

For more on "The Peter Principle", you can read the Wikipedia article here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Peter_Principle

Alternatively, you can buy the book at Amazon (UK):

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Peter-Principle-Things-Always-Wrong/dp/0285631764/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344947209&sr=1-1

Tories Scupper Democratic Change In Stoke

Maverick Stoke City Councillor Ken Duggan is expected to announce next week he has been forced to abandon council reform after fuckwit Conservative councillors voted against proposals to bring greater democracy to the city.

Discussions are under way over how to fill the resulting void in the city's legislative programme, with measures to encourage tax cuts for the wealthy and tax breaks for employing butlers being promoted by senior Tories.

Duggan had wanted to implement a motion that would require Stoke's elders be democratically elected, a plan opposed by Tories. The positions are currently hereditary.

"The Tories can go fuck themselves right up their bollocks," Duggan said to children visiting Stoke City Council headquarters. "They're a bunch of greedy self-serving shitmunchers."