Fegg Hayes Airfield

Fegg Hayes Airfield is a former wartime US Army Air Forces airfield used during WW2. It is now abandoned and used mainly as a hangout for layabouts, chavs and – occasionally – scroungers.

The airfield is located through the hedge behind the statue of Betty Paige on Humps Road in eastern Fegg Hayes. It was used by passing squadrons from early 1944 until June 1945 as a resupply point and "booty drop zone".

Fegg Hayes Airfield

Despite this, the leaders of what was then known as the Peoples Republic of Stoke declared that no Stokie women actually got pregnant by any of the American guests during the war.

"Aye, I looked after a few of the airmen when I wasn't on the frontline myself," land girl and royal marine Kaylee Hulse, now 98, said. "But their American gametes were much too weak to penetrate our tough working class Stokie ovaries, so they didn't get through thankfully. Everyone was a winner."

Skipper Grateful To The Boss

Stoke City soccer star Terry Skipper has opened up about his recent off-field problems.

In an emotional interview, that drove most who witnessed it to TEARS, Skipper said: "I won't go on about the specifics of my problems, literally everyone knows what they were, I don't need to go on about them anymore."

"I was at my lowest ebb," he continued. "Even lower than that time that video came out of me roasting those ladyboys with my posse while racially abusing them. Or the time I chucked some rotten eggs at a group of spastics. This was worse, but as I said, I don't want to keep going on about it, no-one wants to hear anymore about it."

"I went over to New Jersey and spent some time with 'the boss', Bruce Springsteen. He really helped me get myself together and move forward."

Short Story Competition: 1st Place

'Marilyn In Stoke' by Kevin Gout

Marilyn Monroe wiped her mouth. She had never had a man who tasted so good. Big Kev took his hands off Marilyn's head and placed them on top of his own, and leaned back.

He had travelled back in time from Stoke in 2015 to Los Angeles in 1962. His job was to kill Marilyn Monroe, but he had ended up falling in love with her.

He was the kind of guy the chicks loved. He was a real man. A straight-talker, a doer, with a grizzled face and a thick Stoke accent. Sure he drank too much, had a beer belly, thinning hair and dodgy knees, but if anything, this made the ladies love him more. These were the vulnerabilities that made him human to them.

He didn't need Marilyn, he had the cream of Stoke's women in 2015 waiting for him. But there was something about this crazy dame that got to him like no-one else had, not for a long time.

He had started to formulate a plan. It was so crazy it might just work. He would find a Marilyn doppelganger and leave her in Marilyn's deathbed in 1962, and take Marilyn back with him to the present. The real question though, was not if Stoke was ready for Marilyn Monroe, but was Marilyn Monroe ready for Stoke?

Short Story Competition: 2nd Place

'God Barry' by Barry Machin

As Barry drew the sword from his pathetic wife's now lifeless corpse, laughing as he wiped the blood on the terrible pink curtains he had had to put up with in his bedroom (and it was his bedroom, he had paid for the house with his money) for all these years, he realised: I am a God.

Barry went downstairs and opened a beer. If he wanted to drink during the day, he could now. There was no-one to stop him. He could go to the football now, every Saturday – home and away. Finally get that moustache he always wanted. Everything was coming up Barry.

Short Story Competition: 3rd Place

'Oatcake vs Pikelet' by Terry Hooch

"There's no place in Stoke for sweet foods," the oatcake said to the pikelet. "This is a savoury town and I'm a savoury treat. Just the way the people like it."

"Get lost granddad!" the pikelet replied. "You're past it. Yesterday's news. The youngins of today want something sweet, round and firm, not something old and floppy like you!"

"When I were a lad, youngins knew they're place and respected their elders," the oatcake said.

"Yeah well this ain't Downton Abbey, daddio," the pikelet laughed, and did some street dancing to the oatcake to flaunt his youth in his savoury face.

The oatcake pulled out a gun and shot the pikelet dead. He knew the police would do nothing. Oatcakes ruled Stoke and everyone knew it.

Short Story Competition

The Stoke Literary Society has decided its winners of the Official 2015 Stoke Short Story Competition.

The top three writers all get ten pints of milk, with third place also getting a goat, second place a cow and the overall winner getting a white Vauxhall Nova.

The winning stories will be published here over the following days.

Autumn Music Preview

Music fans know that the biggest time of the year for new album releases is autumn, so let’s look ahead to this year's most anticipated releases!... by local artists.

Bev Collies – "Super Busy"

Bev is known simply as "The Voice" by local music fans, who include Stoke's ruling Council of Elders, for whom she has performed on numerous occasions at Stoke state functions.

On her new album, the third part of her so-called 'Burslem Trilogy', Bev explores the dark side of human relationships, including songs about her time as a mercenary in the Congo and her six failed marriages. The deluxe edition of the CD includes five additional different versions of Carly Rae Jepsen's classic 'Call Me Maybe', including the freeform jazz cover already a hit on Stoke's club scene.

Ted Stumpies – "1989"

Ted's eleventh studio album, released on his own record label Ted's Boutique, is a song-for-song remake of Ryan Adams's song-for-song remake of Taylor Swift's "1989" album.

"I'm a big fan of Ryan's music," Ted explained. "I've already covered his cover of Oasis's 'Wonderwall', so this seemed like a natural step in my musical progression."

The Farmer's Conundrum – "The Ballad of Dave Holdcroft"

Stoke's number one folk band, now that The Queensberry Rules have split up, release their third album this year in late October. It features a host of popular folk standards including 'The Milk Maid's Bison', 'Ballad of the Bald Beardsmith', 'Ye Olde Bastard and the Drunken Butcher', as well as original songs like 'The Ghosts of Burslem Aldi', 'The Green, Green Grass of Fenton' and 'O'er the Valley I Did Lose My Oatcake'.

Barry Money – "Live at HMP Werrington"

Hailing from the country music stronghold of Stockton Brook, Barry's latest album sees him perform for inmates on death row at Stoke's notorious HMP Werrington.

Dropping classics like 'Shotgun Sharon' and 'Girl Named Barry' into his set along with new jams like 'The Hangman's Nissan', the crowd lap up Barry's performance right up until the end of the set, when they go on the rampage, killing guards and roadies with feverish abandon. The sound of the riot itself is only available as a pre-order bonus track on the digital download from Apple's iTunes store.

Today's Sentinel Pulped Due To Printing Error

Three million copies of today's Evening Sentinel have had to be destroyed after a printing error lead to today's edition of The Daily Mail newspaper being printed off by mistake.

"This kind of thing happens all the time in the newspaper business," Sentinel editor-in-chief Barry Sentinel explained. "It's really not a big deal. Like, seriously."

"I only realised something was wrong when I noticed more pictures of posh society totty than normal," reader Scone Armatrading said. "I don't need to see bog-eyed girls with upturned werepig noses while I'm eating an oatcake."

"I didn't really see a difference," Peg Shifter commented.

"I thought it was funny there were no mentions of angry women from estates in Fegg Hayes getting ASBOs and shit," Big Dave Holdcroft added.

Copies of today's paper that were sold before the error was noticed have already become collector's items and are currently being sold on auction site eBay for thousands of pounds.

Kuntz Torn, But Happy

Gunther Kuntz

Stoke City 0-1 West Brom Baggies

The world's number one Tony Pulis lookalike, Gunther Kuntz, has declared himself happy with the result of yesterday's game at The Brit, but is sad for Stoke.

"I was Stoke fan for much years, so ja, I see both sides of the pastry on this one," Gunther said at the post-match press conference. "I am most happy for Tony. He deserve the luck."

Pulis's job was made much easier when Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, both of whom were foreigners.

"I was touched by the reaction Tony got from the Stoke fans before the game," Gunther added, referring to the standing ovation for the former Stoke and current Baggies manager. "Tony milked those teets for all of the love, I think it made the Stoke fans and players lose an edge or two, helping the Baggies win."

Swiss Day Ends In Disaster

Stoke's much vaunted Swiss day, held yesterday to welcome soccer star Xherdan Shaqiri to the city, ended in bloodshed when Stoke was invaded by warriors from Naples seeking revenge for their defeat by the Swiss in the War of the Seventh Coalition of 1815.

The day started as planned with Primark hosting a giant fondue party and triangles of Toblerone being given out in the city centre. This soon turned to bloodshed however when a Neapolitan tank rolled into the city centre and fired at revellers, killing dozens of people in tracksuits.

A platoon of soldiers followed the tank and laid waste to members of the public. Fortunately, a group of football hooligans, banned from following Stoke City to away matches, manned up and fought the Italian invaders.

The fighting was fierce but the Stokies eventually defeated the Neapolitans, sending them back to Italy with their tails firmly between their legs, where they belong.