Fit American Actress To Marry Sloppy Ginger Brit

Fans of good-looking American actresses are in uproar after it was announced American hottie Meghan Markle is engaged to retired British ginger Harry Windsor.

"This is an outrage," lads mag fan Kenny Tankard said. "Fit birds like this shouldn't be noshing off gingers, it's nonsense, not natural. I blame Ed Sheeran."

"Totty like this should be getting with cokehead actors who need money, pushing them into risque film roles and magazine photo shoots they wouldn't otherwise do," Stokie Gummer Matthews said in a YouTube comment section, gaining 43 more thumbs up than thumbs down.

Stoke Demands Post-Brexit Hard Border

Reports have emerged that Stoke's ruling Council of Elders are going to demand a hard border between the city and the rest of Britain once the country exits the EU in 2019.

"I am not at liberty to disclose the thoughts of our glorious leaders," city council press secretary Barry Lemons said at his weekly press conference. "But it's clear that the will of the Stoke people is to take back control of our borders and stop cockneys and scousers from getting in."

How the proposed wall around Stoke will look

The hard border would involve building a giant wall around Stoke. "What's better is that we will make the UK pay for it, lol," Lemons added.

"The UK needs Stoke more than Stoke needs the UK," Timmy Yip SMP, member of the Stoke parliament for Chell, said. "That much is FACT. Leaving the UK again is our ultimate goal. We give £351 million a week to the UK, money we can spend on festivals and mobility scooters. A hard border is the first step in that direction, that's why we should push for it."

Sunday Service - Politics Special

With Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Cobridge

There's been a lot of allegations about MPs abusing their power to get handsy with people. The only hand I ever use to touch people with is the hand of God and they are always grateful.

With the lack of trust in our MPs, it's now time we were governed by God and his disciples. I am prepared to form a government with other religious leaders (only ones from the correct religion though) and finally bring Britain into a new golden age where MPs are chosen by the shepherd (i.e. God) and not the sheep (i.e. the British people).

Gordon Brown says America misled Britain over the Iraq war. God has never misled me, nor anyone. Even the time he told me to take the church's delivery of red wine to my house, he was testing me and I knew the truth.

Average Stoke Life Expectancy Rises Again

More good news for Stokies today as Stoke City Council announced that Stokies are living longer than ever!

"The average life expectancy for people in Stoke is now over 50 for the first time ever," councillor Jinky Watkins said. "If ever there was a time to binge on food, booze, fags and drugs, it is now."

The average Stokie can now expect to live to 50 years and 2 months of age, a one year increase on this time a year ago.

"This is largely down to the fact that the quality of drugs in the city has increased," local GP Dr Flip Mackenzie commented. "Better quality smack equals fewer deaths."