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For Sale

Bamboo spanking stick

Made locally. Like new, only used a few times on soft surfaces. £55 ono. Tel: 01782 250147 and ask for Terry. Videos of it in use are available for demonstration purposes.

Necklace made of human teeth

Beautifully crafted by a master necklacier. Teeth are African in origin, like mankind itself. Necklace is from Argos. £75. E-mail: barryteethtime@gmail.com for pictures or purchase. Teeth not sold separately.

Gary Glitter CD collection

All of the leader's albums in one velvet-lined cardboard box. CDs are in excellent condition though the box is not tbh. A joy for any music fan. £200 plus postage. Will ship abroad, though not to Syria or Australia on moral grounds. Call Kenny on 01782 633955.

Giant badger egg

Once in a lifetime find, being sold to fund recent drug addiction. Quick sale preferred. £2,500 though will haggle. Tel Jamie on 07903642007. No time wasters PLEASE.

Springtime For JCVD And Stoke

The Stoke Film Club has laid out its programme for spring, which include a Jean-Claude Van Damme retrospective and various events to celebrate the career of the action movie star, known as the "muscles from Belgium".

As well as screenings of JCVD classics, events will be held to coincide with films. Plans include a tramp hunting contest for 'Hard Target' and face kicking contests for all of his other films.

"Every year, our line up gets better and better," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot says. "We have fast become this Britain's most dynamic film club. Long may it continue."

The first film of the season, 'Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning', will be projected onto the side of the BT building in Hanley.

SNP Election Hopes

The Stoke National Party [SNP] is making a final push ahead of the forthcoming general election, where it hopes to make big gains.

SNP leader Dougie Banters is to outline his party's election promises tomorrow at Disney World in Florida, where he is currently on holiday with his wife and girlfriend, should they win the election outright.

"We expect to win most if not all seats in Stoke," Mr Banters said in advance of the launch. "If that pattern continues nationwide, we should get all seats in parliament. This will put us in a prime position to govern Britain until we get bored of it, then push for independence from this god-forsaken country once and for all."

Mr Banters has refused to rule out joining a coalition, though his preference is to win outright.

Jelly Badgers FTW

The city-wide annual vote to find Stokies' favourite animal-shaped food has been held, with Jelly Badgers voted number one for the fifth consecutive year, marking a remarkable turnaround for the chewy treat.

"If someone had said to me seven years ago that Jelly Badgers would be popular ever again, I would have ripped their throat out, done a piss and a shit down the gaping throat hole, punched their tits out then written 'liar scum' on their head with a permanent marker pen. Then told them to shut up and stop lying," food expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Chef Barry Cockles said.

Chocolate monkeys were second in the poll and beef turtles third.

Middleport To Get Heritage Status

One of Stoke's least important towns has suddenly become one of its most important following news that has been granted world heritage status.

"Middleport will now be protected as a 1980s preservation zone. We've never seen such a perfect recreation or embodiment of the 'grim up north 1980s'," Henry Caecilius of UNESCO said. "It's quite remarkable, like going into the past via some sort of machine which can travel through time. I don't know if a name exists for such a hypothetical machine. But that's what it's like."

Main Street in Middleport, yesterday

"Strangely, we've never even tried to look like the 1980s," Middleport's mayor Bob Clacker said. "But we'll take the hand outs, aye."

"The only worry now is that we'll be unable to put satellite dishes up," Middleport resident Chardonnay Birchall said. "Unless they're square or some bollocks."

Cockneys Anger At Stoke Fans

Angry West Ham football fans have bombarded internet message boards with angry messages following last weekend's 1-1 draw with Stoke City.

The cockneys are angry that Stoke fans sang songs claiming sexual relations between cockney legend Saint Bobby Moore and famous pervert Sir Jimmy Savile.

"You're out of order, you slags," one cockney, Terry Nigels wrote.

"Fack right awf, you mugs," another cockney, Terry Punchcock, added.

"Apples 'n' pears, apples 'n' pears," Terry Pigmounter added. "Guv'nor. Cam to my gaff again spoutin' this bollocks and I'll cut yar facking nuts off, yer muppets."

Man Raised By Wolves Decides To Move To Stoke

A man raised in the wild by Wolves has decided to settle down in Stoke.

Burt Cok, who was purchased as a child at an orphan auction by Wolverhampton Wanderers FC, better known as Wolves, explained why. "I'm sick of living in the wilds of Wolverhampton," he said. "I need some civility and class in my life and that is why I've chosen Stoke. Wolverhampton is like the Wild West."

Cok bears no grudges against the Wolves. "To be fair, the Wolves were good to me," he added. "Steve Bull was like an uncle figure to me growing up. Good times."

Tickets Please

Local fans of band The Worzels are in for a once-in-a-lifetime treat as one of their best-loved tribute acts has announced it will be coming to the city.

The Wrongzels have confirmed they will be playing in the Wayne Biggins Suite at the Britannia Stadium on 23 April. Tickets are expected to sell out fast so get your tickets quick! A 50% reduction applies for Stoke City players.

Stoker AM

Stoke City fans prepared for their inevitable victory over Chelsea FC today by invading the TV studios of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports.

Wearing Stoke's traditional red and white stripe shirts, representing the club's beginnings as a hairdressers before becoming a football club, the lads from Stoke joined celebrity guests John Leguizamo, Mario Melchiot and some Man City fans or other no-one cares about.

One of the lucky fans even got to have eggs cracked over his head by Mario and John, every pervert's dream.