One Direction Blamed For Drugs Shortage

Stoke is currently facing a massive shortage of drugs after One Direction fans bought up most of the city's supply. After boyband members Terry and Kevin were caught on video using smoking marijuana, One Direction fans have been buying it in their droves to be closer to their role models.

"Like all fans, I copy exactly what my heroes do," says Louise Shrimpy, 13. "That's why I got lots of tattoos and am now on the spliff."

One Direction, yesterday

"I want to get a handie from Natalie Imbruglia like Harry got. That would be awesomesauce," adds Leeanne Turder, 12, from Fenton.

"I'd have no probs sucking off Simon Cowell to get into a group if that's what it takes," Nigel Goater said. "Just like the boys did."

"1Ders are batshit crazy," drug dealer Dave Plasterer said. "But they're my main users right now so I'm not complaining."

"If you tell them a member of One Direction did it they'll want to do it too," adds Fred Funk, another drug dealer. "I'm selling heroin to 11 year olds. It's fucking awesome."

Stoke Film Club Special Screening

Stoke film Club has announced its summer season line-up and the highlight will be a "film in the park" showing of Danny Dyer classic 'The Business'.

"With Danny's high profile because of 'Eastenders', it's the perfect time to relive some of his definitive performances in some of the definitive British movies of the past few decades," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot explains.

 

The film is a collaboration between three people known by film fans as the holy trinity of British cinema: director Nick Love and actors Danny Dyer and Tamer Hassan.

The film will be shown on giant screens at Central Forest Park in Hanley this Sunday afternoon at 3pm. All ages are welcome to see the film. Admission is £3.

Stoke Comic-Con Review

Stoke Comic-Con was a massive success this past weekend, and readers have been sending in their pictures and stories from the event.

Billy Cankers and Chardonnay Jumpers went dressed as Liam Neeson and Renee Zellweger.

Ted Burner, Jack Onkers and Laura Slots attended as Star Trek characters.

Barry Coppadine and Paul Ladders (pictured with Gary Bump in between them, as Jamie Oliver) were hits with fans as Ant and Dec.

Gillian Goggle from Bentilee went as Marilyn Monroe, winning best costume.

Stoke Poetry Week

Stoke's poet laureate Tracee Cartlidge officially launched this year's Stoke Poetry Week with a poetry slam down at the Reginald Mitchell in Hanley.

Reading from her new book 'Stoke Is Where The Heart Is', Tracee entranced the regulars with poems such as 'Crewe, Twinned With Baghdad', 'Take Off The Eye Patch' and the recent hit, 'Derby: The Redneck State'.

On her way home from the event, Tracee was gunned down in a drive-by shooting which also took the lives of 13 bystanders. Staffordshire Police believe the shooting may have been carried out by a rival poetry gang but aren't treating the death as suspicious just yet.

Praise For Pulis

Gunther Kuntz

World leading Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has praised the former Stoke manager for keeping new club Crystal Palace in the Premier League after looking certain for relegation before he took over.

"Tony has done good, ja," Gunther wrote in his official blog. "He prove himself the man, the main man of this league."

Gunther also awarded Tony his award for manager of the year for a sixth straight season.

"Fully deserved is this award for Tony," Gunther added. "He will have to work hard to win it again, but I believe in Tony."

Stoke Comic-Con

Stoke Comic-Con is being held this weekend at the Burslem Hilton, located on Burslem Road, in Burslem.

Nerds across the local area seem to be at record levels of excitement if message boards on 4chan are to be believed, which they aren't normally.

Stars appearing at the two day event include actor Timmy Weezer, who played a grump in 'Doctor Who' this one time, singer Barry Cones and politician Nigel Farage.

Sir Cliff's Still Got It

Poundland in the Potteries Centre has released its sales figures for its 2014 calendar line, and the clear winner is Sir Cliff Richard.

"Once women have a good gawp, they say, actually, he's in pretty good shape," Poundland sales girl Erin Hannon said. "Then they start to nod to themselves and buy the calendar."

"Sir Cliff is just the kind of man you can take home to your mum," shopper Jenny Bomb adds. "Because she's probably fancied him since the 50s and would still have a go on him if they could."

Chavs Happy With Apple Deal

The SUC (Stoke Union of Chavs) has literally given its thumbs up to the reported deal by monstrous electronics firm Apple to buy headphone firm Beats Electronics (aka: Beats By Dr. Dre, not to be confused with Beasts By Dre, an unrelated company based in Stoke specialising in taxidermy).

"The SUC has given its seal of approval to both Apple and the Beats range, so we see this as a pretty much perfect deal," spokesman Steve Gump said. "Everyone's a winner. Apart from the American taxman of course, but we say: fuck him and fuck tha police."

The Stoke Pretentious Society is unmoved by the deal. "Meh," spokesman Barnaby Pardew said. "They're both companies that sell overpriced tat to idiots. We've got more important things to worry about."

The deal will make Dr. Dre the richest person in hip hop, though a former member of staff at Singlepoint (part of the Phones4U group before its takeover by Vodaphone) claims that John Caudwell wants to release a rap album, which would see him be the richest.

Stoke Name Player Of The Year

Terry Skipper has been named the player of the year for Stoke City after a season that saw the Pottermusses amass a record points total in the Premier League.

"The lads have done good this season, you know," Skipper said after today's game against West Brom. "I really think, you know, we can go even more better next season, you know."

"The award if fully deserved," season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said about the inside left half who can also fill in as goalkeeper or manager. "The boy done good. Hopefully it won't go to his head and he starts roasting local glamour models with his mates or releasing rap singles or something."