Stoke Fans Roasting Opportunity

Some of Stoke City's biggest female fans got a chance to meet (then later go back to a hotel room) with some of the team's biggest stars today as they were paraded to fans at the official club shops at the Britannia Stadium and the Potteries Centre in Hanley. Men and children were also welcome at today's meet-and-greets but were treated as second class citizens by comparison.

Take your pick, ladies

"My dream roasting session would be me, Crouchy, Shawcross and Walters," says season ticket holder Gill Crank. "Then I could also find out once and for all if Walters has any black in him."

"I'd love the whole back four passing me round for a while then have Begovic turn up, then they hold me down while he has a go on it. Just lovely," says Hilary Gunters, 19.

"Stoke have been playing three up front lately, which is good because I'd like to get three at the back," laughs Adele Humphries from Longton. "So I'll take Arnie, Crouchy and Odemwingie. Any hole's a goal for those guys."

Manager Beaten By Stoke Sacked By Man Utd

David Moyles has been sacked by association football soccer team Manchester United in what some believe is a result of his team's loss to Stoke City earlier this season.

"As soon as he lost to our bunch of ne'er-do-wells and rascals, his time was up," Stoke fan Doris Ahmed wrote on The Oatcake message boards.

Moyles was appointed last summer to the role as a replacement for long-serving manager Sir Alex Fergluson, known to friends as "Ferglie".

"We are known as 'management killers'," Ms Ahmed continued. "Losing to our bunch of runts and misfits is enough to make anyone question their own existence."

Don't Worry, Uncle Terry Is Here

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I look a bit like a wanted serial killer. Should I disguise myself by going beardy or maybe have short hair? I currently have a 'tache, much like the serial killer, and would like to keep it if possible - Mark, Longton

The 'tache has got to go I'm afraid, either completely or merged into a beard. I would say go beardy. I would suggest that you shave the top of your head off too so you look bald. No-one suspects baldies of being killers, they're mainly perverts.

Tel, I am currently involved in an argument with a friend: he says that if Jesus had been Japanese, Christianity would still have flourished. I say that's fucking bullshit. Who's right? - Kenwynne, Trentham

You are right Ken, white people are inherently racist and wouldn't follow a Jap, no way.

For reasons I will keep to myself, I want to get women pregnant then dump them. Any tips? - Jeff, Bentilee

In terms of meeting desparate women, the internet is your playground and your supermarket. There's plenty of skanks on there desperate for attention. Once you've got one, I'd recommend poking a hole in your rubber johnnies with a needle or pin; that way you give the illusion of using contraception. Good hunting!

Beyoncé Snubs Stoke

Singer Beyoncé has been slammed by locals after someone noticed that Stoke is not on the itinerary for her 2014 world tour.

"This is a smack in the face, followed quickly by a punch to the nads, for all of her fans in Stoke," Gill Hocker said, out loud, in Fegg Hayes.

"We made her what she is today," Kerry Identikit added about the American, full name Beyoncé Knowles-Z.

"Beyoncé, Bitchoncé more like," Gill Ribena said. "This is the last time I download her music illegally."

Nintendo Snubs Stokies

Stokies have literally been rioting and fighting in the streets after it was announced last night that no characters from Stoke are to be included in Nintendo's forthcoming 'Super Smash Bros.' games for 3DS and Wii U.

"This'll show those Japs who's good at fighting," one rioter told reporters, who chose to watch and take quotes rather than try to quell the situation.

"Not even Crouchy?" fighting fan Gob Godfreys asked. "His robot-based moveset would be unique, appropriate for the franchise and awesomesauce all in one go."

The games will release this summer on 3DS and winter on Wii U.

"I'm at least hoping for Huth as an assist trophy," Stoke City fan Jill Gank said. "Pikachu wouldn't stand a chance against his elbow, the creepy little electric yellow bastard."

Pink Floyd's "The Wall" Coming To Stoke

One of music's most iconic projects is finally coming to Stoke, some 35 years after it was originally conceived.

"The Wall", by Southern prog rockers Pink Floyd, will be available on CD later this week, Chip Gresty of HMV in Hanley has confirmed.

"Someone came in last week and ordered a copy of the album," he explained. "We thought we'd order an extra one too in case anyone else wanted one. As soon as the spare copy arrives, it's going straight on the shelf. We've checked our stock histories and it's never been available before in Stoke. This is a game changer for Stoke as a city, culturally."

Tax The Stupid

By Dick Mellor

I see that David Cameron is complaining about the cost of the new England football shirt being £90. He's right to complain too, as the pricing is all wrong; but not too high as Dave says, they should cost much more!

I'm sick of seeing fat-bellied, slack-jawed, cock-eyed mongrels wearing leisure wear as they go about their lack of business. We all know who buys football shirts: the scroungers, the chavs, the drug dealers, the kind of people you see walking around in tracky trousers spitting on pavements for no reason. The scum of the Earth, basically.

I would create a special tax just to put on football shirts. I would even call it the "tax on the stupid" because I know that most football fans are too retarded to notice and too lazy to have ever done a hard days work in their life or have paid any tax themselves, other than the tax they pay on fags and booze of course.

*Dick's review of the 2013-2014 tax year is now available for Kindle from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

Threat To Military Tradition

Stokies are up in outrage after military cutbacks means one of the city's oldest military traditions may have to be scrapped.

"This is an insult to our brave boys," armed combat fan Terry Duck said. "I've sold my house and given all the money to Help For Heroes to show my support for them. The charity part of the organisation that is, not Help For Heroes Trading Limited, the limited company part not run as a charity but as a going business concern where they can be more liberal with their spending on peoples wages and expenses."

"This is the least we can do for our brave boys, let them spend months of time, at tax payers expense, practising marching up and down or something for our entertainment. It's a disgrace that this kind of thing might be axed, a fucking disgrace," pensioner Doreen Layton commented.

"I don't care about the bullying or raping of female soldiers that the top brass refuse to acknowledge or investigate, all I know is our brave boys put their lives on the line for us everyday, and for them to be told they can't do one of their things anymore is a step too far," Fred Worst added.

The 'Trooping Of The Coloureds' has been carried out in Stoke for centuries, and involves white soldiers blacking up as colonial commoners and performing ethnic dances in front of the public, before some of our brave boys come and beat them in a dance off with more elegant western dances, thus sentencing the blacks to be killed in mock executions performed in styles suggested by members of the crowd. It's a treat for all the family.

EYE ON STOKE Rival In Poor Lead Story Shocker

The Stoke Sentinel, one of EYE ON STOKE's minor news rivals in the city, proved the gulf in class between the two publications today with a lead story about a woman using her mother's blue badge to enjoy free parking in the city.

"This is tabloid journalism at its worst," EYE ON STOKE owner, editor and CEO Monty Deschanel said. "We would never stoop so low for a lead story. We'd rather do nothing and have the day off."

EYE ON STOKE is known for its hard-hitting journalism and news insight, and is the site you're on right now, in case you didn't know.

Dresden Doesn't Exist, Claims Professor

Speaking at the Stoke International Science Conference, Professor Keith Bunnies shocked delegates in his keynote speech by declaring that the Stoke town of Dresden doesn't actually exist and is just a figment of everyone's imagination.

"I have never met anyone from Dresden," he roared. "I have never met anyone who has been to Dresden. This town does not exist and was created as part of our collective guilt for destroying the German city of the same name during WW2, a move which in turn promoted Stoke to being the number one pottery manufacturer in the world. Before the war, only Dresden produced more pottery than Stoke."

Dresden in Stoke

"I don't know that I agree with this theory," said fellow Professor Mick Mallet. "He does have a point about Dresden though, I've never met anyone who's been there either. Makes you think."

Further speeches at the conference covered topics such as global warming and fracking.