Winter Sickness Report

Stoke's Medical Council, sponsored by Poveys Oatcakes, has released its report on sickness over the winter season.

"The number of people catching colds has gone down by 13%," Dr Phil Spartacus, author of the report boasts. "We put this down to increased unemployment leading to less people being able to afford to ever leave their house and thus catch less viruses."

The biggest claim from the report is that most coughs in Stoke are now caused by having pubic hairs stuck in the throat.

"Based on the evidence from local doctors, this is the conclusion we have reached," Dr Phil adds. "The facts don't lie."

Potteries Museum To Hold Wilkes Exhibition?

Following the success of the recent exhibition about Robbie Williams, rumour has it that the Potteries Museum in Hanley is gearing up to put on a show about Jonathan Wilkes.

"The Robbie Williams show was, for my money, testing the waters ahead of a show about Wilkes," said Wendy Whiggal, secretary of fan club The Wilkes Explosion and columnist in its accompanying monthly magazine. "That's the show the people of Stoke really want and it looks like they're going to get it."

"If a Robbie Williams show gets record numbers, then a Wilkes show would get even more record numbers," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board added. "We have a permanent display to Wilkes at Cobridge Town Hall and would be happy to help out the museum with their show."

The Potteries Museum has so far stayed tight-lipped about the rumours. "We do not comment on transfer speculation or gossip," museum director Mandy Pickaxe told listeners to Signal Gold'. "We have a chance to show the entire Staffordshire Hoard, or we can do a show about Wilkes. I'm not saying anything."

"I'll take that as a yes," Wendy Whiggal replied. "A load of old buried gold or the diamond of Stoke's entertainment scene. I think we all know which is best."

Holidaymakers Fury

Holidaymakers from Stoke have literally vented their spleens at what they described as a mis-selling of holidays by travel agents.

"We went to Club Tropicana, which is located in an unspecified Mediterranean country," Mick Transfats said. "Not only were the drinks not free, but there was also not enough fun and sunshine for everyone either. I'm fuming."

Ted's Holidays in Birches Head denies any wrongdoing. "Tish, fipsy and bullshit," said a spokewoman.

If you have a problem with a holiday, you are advised to contact a TV show such as 'This Morning'. If that doesn't work then you should contact a trade association that covers your travel agents.

Midweek Worship

With Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Cobridge

We should all say a prayer for the missing people of flight MH370. In mine, I pray that they all chose to follow the correct God before the inevitable crash that killed them.

People are angry that the NSA are spying on them via their phones or the internet. I don't know why because God has been watching us all for every minute of every day, ever since he invented the Earth and mankind. Which was 8,000 years ago.

The show 'Rev' is back on BBC 2, showing the lighter side of our life and work. What the people making this show don't realise is that there is no fun to be had as a reverend, this is God's work and is not for jokers.

Wanking Man Falls To Death

A local man has died by falling off a rooftop while masturbating, Staffordshire Police has confirmed.

"We don't know if it was suicide or if he was just too vigorous," police spokesman Barry Shanks said. "He may have just been peering over the edge to get a look at any totty below and lost his footing. Meh."

"I swear he was still tugging at it as he was falling," said eye witness Gary Spacker. "The eye contact with him was what made it uncomfortable for me."

"He went doing what he loved best," his mother Nora said at a wake in his honour. "I wish we could all be so lucky."

Controversial Pastor Dies

Ken Felcher, leader of the controversial Weston Coyney Baptist Church, has died, it has been confirmed by God. Via his family.

"Ken led a superb life, a God-fearing life, according to scripture," his son Terry announced. "He will take up his rightful place at God's side in heaven, where he belongs."

The church has hit the local headlines many times for its controversial practises, which include picketing the funerals of high profile people they deem to be ungodly. Targets included bisexuals, dwarves, people with unnatural hair colours and former players of Port Vale. Its members would often carry signs with slogans such as "God hates mongs" and "Vale scum" to funerals.

"We hope that people will show our leader some respect and not picket his funeral in revenge for everything we've done," Terry Felcher added. "Seriously."

Budget Special

With finance expert Ted Gash

How will the government's 2014 budget effect people in Stoke? Here's a handy guide.

Alcohol

There has been a 1p cut in the duty on beer. This means you will effectively get 1 free beer for every 200 or so you buy. Get drinking! The price of Scottish whisky will remain the same if you fancy something more manly.

Tobacco

The price of tobacco will rise by 2% above inflation. This may mean you want to seek out cheaper alternatives, like making the odd trip to Calais to stock up, or buying cigarettes from non-legal sources, like a guy who steals them from his workplace.

Benefits

Total benefits will be capped and only increase in line with inflation in the near future. This means you should claim as much as you can now to leave you better placed if there's lots more claimants in forthcoming years.

Nawty Wittle Boy Strikes Again

The scoundrel known as "Naughty Little Boy" has struck again, leaving Stokies wondering where he's been for the last 10 months.

The unknown man, who performs childish stunts while dressed as a baby, hit HMV in Hanley on Friday afternoon. Proceeding to the checkout holding a copy of 'Weekend At Bernie's' on DVD, the man reached down into his nappy and pulled a dummy out of his anus, before saying his trademark catchphrase to staff at the counter: "I been a nawty wittle boy."

Leaving the DVD and the dummy on the counter, the man scarpered away from the store, stopping at Spud-u-Like to steal a baked potato before leaving the Potteries Centre at the Body Shop exit, not to be seen again.

"This guy is a little shit," says Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "I hope he gets Down's Syndrome or something."

Scamps Unveil Stadium Plans

Port Vale presidential candidate Terry Harlot has unveiled ambitious plans to redevelop their ground Vale Park if he wins the forming presidential elections.

Mr Harlot unveiled the plans at a press meet-and-greet at Holdcroft's car dealership.

"I want to make Vale Park the best ground in the world," he told all present. "I believe that this project will enhance the Port Vale brand and help the local community. No bad can come from this."

The redevelopment will cost £340 million pounds and will come from naming rights and raffles. The new ground's capacity will be 86,000.

No Surprise At Rise In Underage Pregnancies

Stokies have reacted with indifference to news that underage  pregnancies are on the rise.

"The only thing that I'm surprised about is that the number is so low," said cultural commentator and the Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray. "I'd have put the number at like 50% of girls, not 42 for the whole city. I'm disappointed."

Teachers in city schools have been giving extra contraception advice in classes as part of the City Council's drive for Stoke to lose it's tag as the underage sex capital of Britain.

"We advise children to use any available bag or wrapping as makeshift condoms," says teacher Gill Mustard. "Be that a crisp packet or cling film, it's all good craic."