Scamps Fans Urged To Smoke

Port Vale director Hobble Kenton has urged fans attending night games to LIGHT UP cigarettes to help LIGHT UP the stadium!

"To help our money saving measures, we are considering turning down the brightness of our floodlights by 10%," explained Mr Kenton. "If Scamps fans can do something that would add light inside the ground to compensate for this, like smoking cigarettes - legal ones only of course! - then this would be a big help."

Vale's next night game is against cockney scumbags Leyton Orient on 11 March. The club will be selling cigarettes in the stands at a discounted price and showing pictures of glamorous celebrities smoking to encourage fans.

Ecstasy Sales Peak For Valentines

Sales of party drug ecstasy hit a new high on Valentine's Day, showing that Stokies love to share the love on the most romantic day of the year.

"Ecstasy is known as the 'love drug'," explains drug dealer Jambo Kitchen. "And what better way to show your love for someone than by sharing a night with them while you are both off your tits on the drug?"

Stoke's Chamber of Commerce estimate a 800% of sales increase of ecstasy compared to the previous weekend.

"This is good business news for Stoke," says business analyst Jett Baker. "People on the drug will buy more water. The drug dealers will take their profits and buy jewellery, guns and BMWs. Many people and businesses will benefit from this."